Looking for advice regarding SO as an ABDL

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questioningone

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Hi, all. My apologies in advance if this gets rant-y or whiny.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I love him dearly. About a year ago I caught him wearing a diaper for the first time. Not a huge shock because I have friends who are ABDL and he had hinted that he was interested. I didn't think it would bother me. But lately it's been a more frequent occurrence, just a little more than I thought it would be. The biggest issues I have aren't specifically ABDL. It's waking up next to the scent of pee, and I believe he's starting to come out as transgender, and right now he's unemployed, and he's significantly older than me yet I feel like a good chunk of the time I'm the adult who has to keep everything together. Ugh, sorry, phrasing is horrible. I've always been extremely responsible, independent, and old for my age so perhaps that was part of the initial attraction.. but as a college student, I just can't take care of someone right now. I know he struggles with anxiety and depression, but that's been getting a bit better. As soon as he's employed I want to find him a kink friendly therapist. The other thing that is driving me crazy is that we know we want kids in the next 5-10 years, and I'm just envisioning this ABDL lifestyle and all these kinks and everything while raising a family... I'm not a traditional person at all and am 100% LGBTQ friendly (I am bisexual and definitely have my own kinks!) But I'm just so worried about having a baby and him being jealous or not wanting to take care of him/her etc. I love my boyfriend so, so much. But I just can't fathom knowingly putting my children in a situation that could negatively impact them in any way...
Again, sorry for this rant. I don't know who to talk to about this because I know that my feelings are based off of societal expectations and norms, and he is a wonderful person and I shouldn't be feeling like this about something so trivial. I really hope I'm not coming across as a bitch.. again, I have no intention of leaving him, but I need to be able to lean on him every once in a while.
Side note: I don't mind playing along every once in a while because I know it makes him happy. But I'm just concerned that if I encourage it I'll see more of it
 

paddedskibum

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These are all valid questions to be considering. I'm curious how you two are communicating? You said you suspect he is opening up as TG...have you asked him about it? Have you both sat down and talked about this, the future?

It drives me crazy when people complain about fetish type aspects in their relationships but yet NEVER communicate their feelings toward their partner. It should be the other way around. You RANT to your boyfriend not to the entire internet.

Sure you're seeking advice, I understand that, but I think the only person you can really get these answers from is your boyfriend himself.
 

questioningone

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Ack, should have been more clear. You're right, ranting to the internet is not going to help our relationship. Our communication about 95% of things is fantastic. He's my best friend. He knows I'm not into it at all and I've expressed my concern with our future family. He generally just comments that I'm focusing too much on the future (true, but not necessarily bad). That being said, he is rather sensitive and has dealt with far too much shaming in his life, and the last thing I want to do it bring it up in a way that hurts his feelings or makes him afraid to express himself. I think if he knew how unhappy it can make me he'd outright stop, and I don't want that at all.
I don't think either of us is clear about him perhaps being TG. He likes to cross dress and has always outright stated that he wish he was born a female, because he thinks his life would be easier (which I cannot understand one bit: as a tall guy your rape threat is practically 0, you never have to worry about pregnancy, PMS and birth control problems don't happen, and people take you seriously/don't objectify you sexually on a regular basis). I wish I could understand where he was coming from better, but I don't know how.
 

ClandestineWing

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A good long talk about it with your partner can do you wonders. Sometimes, we ABs have a tendency to get overzealous in the presence of an accepting partner, even just a tad. If you feel your boundaries are being tested, just let him know how you feel. Those boundaries need to be known and respected for the sake of true love.
 

paddedskibum

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I agree with everything that is being said, but I think it falls upon you questioningone to bring this up. As far as your boyfriend is concerned he thinks that you are "okay" with certain ABDL activities / items? I doubt he's a mind reader and despite endless social cues you need to be upfront about this. You can't continue to be in a relationship when you secretly harbor frustraion, or especially disgust. After some time this is going to eat at you and make it hard to continue on in the relationship.
 

Kenn

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My former male co-worker was married and he and his wife had twins (it was originally triplets, but one died in utero). Several years into the marriage, he decided to get a sex-change operation. His wife was not pleased, and I suspect that they divorced. My point is that even though your SO may not now be considering a SCO, that my well be in his future, so be prepared for this if you continue your relationship and consider how this may impact you and your children.
 

paddedskibum

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she doesnt know what's going on in her relationship becuase she'd rather communicate on the interwebz. If you read her post it says, "she believes he may be starting to come out as TG" what does that even mean?

Alls I'm saying is how you can you even begin to go to this trouble worrying about something if it isn't something you have discussed with the person you love so much?
 

Vyse

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I feel people are getting a little harsh, and I think she may be downplaying how much this is bothering her.

She stated in her second post they have communicated, and while more communication never hurt, I believe he needs to see a therapist as she already mentioned after he gets a job regarding the potential transgender topic.

I would also recommend a schedule for "little time" say once a week or so, with some of it focusing on the opposite gender. I know I open up more as a little, and he may have more to say during that time. This would also solve issues down the road where a separate adult/little life is paramount for a family with children.

As to the urine smell, either bring it up, or purchase a diaper cover (plastic pants or such) to contain the scent better. Wish you the best of luck.
 

kikee

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questioningone said:
I believe he's starting to come out as transgender, and right now he's unemployed, and . . . I just can't take care of someone right now.
Have the two of You spoken about this ? - What leads You to believe that "he's starting to come out as transgender" ? - Has He said that He is interested in other men ?

Thoughts - If He is currently unemployed, He may be suffering from low self-esteem, a sense of rejection, and perhaps He is feeling depressed. - This may be His way of expressing feelings of vulnerability. and a need for attention & affection ?

Talk to Him about it.
 

paddedskibum

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When are you planning on having this conversation? Before you freak out about the recent TG developments you might want to step back and give him a chance to fully explain before you come to a conclusion. We could make assumptions all day based on what's going through your boyfriend's head, but again the only person you're going to find the answer from is your boyfriend himself.

Before you go assuming your boyfriend is gay because he is starting to show an interest in TG you might want to consider that maybe he's in fact a lesbian. My best friend in college was saving up for the surgery so he could become a woman and date other women.

If I'm not mistaken transgender is how the person "sees himself," or how comfortable they feel in their own skin. Looking forward to hearing how your conversation goes. We're all here for support :)
 

Snivy

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Quotes are in spoiler tag for reading space

Hi, all. My apologies in advance if this gets rant-y or whiny.
I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I love him dearly. About a year ago I caught him wearing a diaper for the first time. Not a huge shock because I have friends who are ABDL and he had hinted that he was interested. I didn't think it would bother me. But lately it's been a more frequent occurrence, just a little more than I thought it would be. The biggest issues I have aren't specifically ABDL. It's waking up next to the scent of pee, and I believe he's starting to come out as transgender, and right now he's unemployed, and he's significantly older than me yet I feel like a good chunk of the time I'm the adult who has to keep everything together. Ugh, sorry, phrasing is horrible. I've always been extremely responsible, independent, and old for my age so perhaps that was part of the initial attraction.. but as a college student, I just can't take care of someone right now. I know he struggles with anxiety and depression, but that's been getting a bit better. As soon as he's employed I want to find him a kink friendly therapist. The other thing that is driving me crazy is that we know we want kids in the next 5-10 years, and I'm just envisioning this ABDL lifestyle and all these kinks and everything while raising a family... I'm not a traditional person at all and am 100% LGBTQ friendly (I am bisexual and definitely have my own kinks!) But I'm just so worried about having a baby and him being jealous or not wanting to take care of him/her etc. I love my boyfriend so, so much. But I just can't fathom knowingly putting my children in a situation that could negatively impact them in any way...
Again, sorry for this rant. I don't know who to talk to about this because I know that my feelings are based off of societal expectations and norms, and he is a wonderful person and I shouldn't be feeling like this about something so trivial. I really hope I'm not coming across as a bitch.. again, I have no intention of leaving him, but I need to be able to lean on him every once in a while.
Side note: I don't mind playing along every once in a while because I know it makes him happy. But I'm just concerned that if I encourage it I'll see more of it

Ack, should have been more clear. You're right, ranting to the internet is not going to help our relationship. Our communication about 95% of things is fantastic. He's my best friend. He knows I'm not into it at all and I've expressed my concern with our future family. He generally just comments that I'm focusing too much on the future (true, but not necessarily bad). That being said, he is rather sensitive and has dealt with far too much shaming in his life, and the last thing I want to do it bring it up in a way that hurts his feelings or makes him afraid to express himself. I think if he knew how unhappy it can make me he'd outright stop, and I don't want that at all.
I don't think either of us is clear about him perhaps being TG. He likes to cross dress and has always outright stated that he wish he was born a female, because he thinks his life would be easier (which I cannot understand one bit: as a tall guy your rape threat is practically 0, you never have to worry about pregnancy, PMS and birth control problems don't happen, and people take you seriously/don't objectify you sexually on a regular basis). I wish I could understand where he was coming from better, but I don't know how.

Hi questioningone, sorry I could not answer your question, dealing with stuff but let me try to crack at this *ahem*

Let's see, I wouldn't immediately judge on his standards, he likes his diapers just like we all love ours but because he has a diaper on does not make him less of a man and trust me, you and your boyfriend probably have an equal relationship 50/50. I don't think his aspects would damage anything, kinks are weird, yes but that does not mean they are un-healthy. I would doubt he would get jealous over children in the next couple of years of both of you take good care of them together. Like I said earlier if he is dealing with those things you said, he will recover from them soon I hope but that does not mean he is like messed up in the head or anything.

I am sensitive, I think for the worst at times but it's not healthy for me so I need to chill the f*** out at times, you and him shouldn't even mention kids yet if you are not on the path of trying to have a kid first, you are young and so is he so you have all the time in the world before the word "baby" comes out. ClandestineWing made a very good point which I have to quote,

A good long talk about it with your partner can do you wonders. Sometimes, we ABs have a tendency to get overzealous in the presence of an accepting partner, even just a tad. If you feel your boundaries are being tested, just let him know how you feel. Those boundaries need to be known and respected for the sake of true love.

A talk will definitely help and while it may not solve things 100% it will definitely burst out some main things and set things straight and know what the actual situation will be in the long run. Always trust your partner, don't think less of him of what you discover about him because that happens to alot of people and most don't think right away, they just throw away a good relationship (which i'm not saying will happen to you at all) just tone it back a little bit and calm down, see where this can take you. It's also not like he is taking drugs or smoking anything illegal, it's another piece of clothing.

About the talk again: If he get's involved with it more and more, kindly tell him to tone it back down to a level you are perfectly comfortable with. There are levels of an Adult baby to just people who wear diapers in general. Check out some of these links about Infantilism, these will help you understand more about the situation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphilic_infantilism
http://understanding.infantilism.org/

Now about transgender: Have you confronted him about it? And if you have, were you gentle on the topic? My only advice is that you two should go to marriage counseling so that nothing else get's destroyed between you two. Maybe he prefers the female side but is still a man, have you asked what his true side is? What he likes most about that? Only you can handle it because you know your boyfriend more than any of us here do. He probably has his reasons for dressing, or acting? Like a girl... Who knows except for you and him and since he trusts you, only you can bring it out of him. Good luck!
 

questioningone

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ClandestineWing: Thank you, I hadn't considered that. I have always been soft with my boundaries regarding this because I don't want him to feel like he can't express himself, but it's good to hear that those are okay.
Vyse: Thank you, that's a fantastic idea! I would definitely love to do something like that, if I know it's not all the time.
Kikee: Yes, he is bisexual. That doesn't bother me at all, as I'm not straight either. And yes, considering his upbringing, I think this perhaps has a lot to do with those feelings... Thank you :)
Snivy: couples counseling is a good idea. Definitely a consideration..

Thank you all, this has been quite helpful for me. I think I needed to vent in order to get my thoughts/feelings in order before I talk to him.
 

Tyger

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If it makes you feel any better about the smell problems. Some diapers are better than others at covering smells. If you get some better quality diapers, or use good smelling stuff like baby powder, it can help reduce the smell, or at least change it. Sometimes using low quality diapers with a baby diaper as a inner stuffer helps too. Baby diapers tend to reduce the smell better.
 

Snivy

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If it makes you feel any better about the smell problems. Some diapers are better than others at covering smells. If you get some better quality diapers, or use good smelling stuff like baby powder, it can help reduce the smell, or at least change it. Sometimes using low quality diapers with a baby diaper as a inner stuffer helps too. Baby diapers tend to reduce the smell better.

:laugh: you missed the whole topic Tyger haha.
 

Tyger

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:laugh: you missed the whole topic Tyger haha.

No I didn't. I just didn't approach it because it was already well covered, but nobody said anything about how the smell was an irritant. :p
 

dogboy

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I thought the same thing as you Tyger, since communication and counseling were covered. My own feeling was that diaper smell could be overcome with better diapers. I'll add that for those of us who enjoy diapers, for much of our lives, we've had to go without wearing diapers, from when we were kids living at home, and sometimes through dating. Then suddenly, we find a consenting partner and we're wearing every night, thinking everything is fine with the partner. We find it hard to stop wearing or taking a break.

You need to talk about this and establish maybe when wearing is okay, and when not wearing and doing other things, like normal sex, or whatever, might be appropriate for the evening.

The transgender issue is something else altogether and definitely needs to be discussed in depth. If he just wants to dress in different attire, regress as a girl while wearing diapers, that's one thing. If he's uncomfortable living as a male, that's another, and you need to find out where his head is. I wish you well in all of this because you and he have a lot to discuss.
 

Tyger

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The transgender issue is something else altogether and definitely needs to be discussed in depth. If he just wants to dress in different attire, regress as a girl while wearing diapers, that's one thing. If he's uncomfortable living as a male, that's another, and you need to find out where his head is. I wish you well in all of this because you and he have a lot to discuss.

I agree with you on this one too. It is important to figure out what exactly it means for him to be transgender. I'm not real experienced on the topic, but depending on the level of importance that this side of him takes, could impact you highly, or little to none. There is always the possibility that when he regresses, he feels transgender and thus wants to wear girly things and feel like a "sissy" or feminine. I can't imagine that should impact you too much, it just might take a little while to get used to.
If he feels transgender as an adult, well I guess if you are Bi, maybe that might not be too much of a problem, but I could certainly see how it would be a problem if you are wanting a family, and he feels transgender to the extent of getting a sex change. If this is the extent, the best route I could see for you while remaining together and if you go through with it, is to get the kids born and then take care of the gender stuff, and hopefully it works out between the two of you since you are Bi. Honestly though, I can understand if you have difficulties with any of what he has wants or needs for, namely because you only becoming aware of the extent right now, and the difficulty is, discovering what is acceptable for both of you to be happy. If you can't find a happy zone of living for both of you, where you both give on certain issues, then it might not be a healthy relationship.
 

paddedskibum

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I'm surprised you seem conflicted in your current situation when you haven't even explained to your boyfriend that you're bisexual. Seems like that's right up there with ABDL, and TG.
 

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Some good advice given here. As has been stated a number of times, communication is going to be key for you both. I thought the bit about children was worth singling out. From responses on this site, it's clear that the vast majority of ABDLs are as capable of parenting as anyone. We also see a few who at least believe they're not capable. What I haven't seen is someone who thought they could be a parent and then found out they couldn't do it. Talk it out with him but also trust the results. If children are what you both want, kinks aren't going to stop you or ruin them.
 

Snivy

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No I didn't. I just didn't approach it because it was already well covered, but nobody said anything about how the smell was an irritant. :p

Ahh, covering the smell instead...Nice one Tigs!
 
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