Loneliness, the Root of it All

Kenopsia

Formerly RainbowConnection
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A kind of long blog post, but it's not like the other threads this time, I swear haha. I've kinda decided I'm sick of spiraling all the time, anyway. This post is just me sharing some stuff out loud concerning my true issues. Every tree grows from a root -- so here's mine. Maybe someone can relate.

I now fully understand that my spirals are nothing more than the manifestations of my isolation and loneliness. This makes sense, of course. My brain has discovered a way of getting something from other people without actually having to be close to anyone. I never have to cross the threshold of my fear of closeness; or, more specifically, my fear of absolute rejection. After all, if I reject myself first, then no one else can do it. I have some semblance of control. But I self-destruct and cause damage to others (and my relationships with others) in the process.

That's all to say that my real issue, unsurprisingly, is that I'm horribly lonely. I feel so embarrassed saying that word, but maybe someone else can relate. This isn't a new realization, of course. I've been lonely for a really long time. Years, more or less. It's not that I don't have some relationships in my life, but I think most of them aren't really that healthy. None of them fill the emptiness, anyway. I tend to resort to distractions because every time I'm forced to feel the loneliness in its rawest form, it hurts worse than anything else.

It would seem this is also why I've basically stopped caring about college or my future in general. I read a scholarly article that -- if I read it right -- states that loneliness and school procrastination are linked. You know, I feel like I suspected as much... so maybe I feel a bit validated? Or at least, I understand myself a bit better and feel a little less like just a lazy idiot? Idk.

But it's not that I don't want to care about myself and my life. It's just that the minute I decide I want to live, I am confronted with how trapped I actually am and how unable I am to express myself, and I can't bear that feeling. Yeah, I don't care about myself because it hurts too much to do so; I don't want to know myself because of the same reason. I'm afraid to know myself and even care about myself (the idea of change and responsibility is also pretty scary). So I don't fully know who I am, and I'm always denying what I want. But because I'm lonely, why even fight for myself? What's the point of liking myself or living my life if none of that is going to actually get rid of the emptiness? I'll still be lonely at the end of the day. That is the circle my mind is in right now.

Take wearing, for example. Yeah, it's a dumb example. But I almost feel like wearing again recently opened the gates in my mind just a crack. Once again, I realized I want friends. I again realized that I want a girlfriend or maybe a boyfriend. I realized I actually do like wearing. I again realized I want community, to meet others like me. I felt all these things, but with it also came the loneliness in its rawest, and that's what I felt the most. The feeling is just... I don't know how to describe it. It eats inside of you like you're rotting inside out. You feel cold everywhere. It's persistent no matter what you do; distractions only do so much. Idk, maybe you've felt it before and know what I'm talking about.

And I want to get out of it, but my thoughts at the same time push me back. I'm afraid. I don't even really know what to do. I unfortunately gravitate towards this unrealistic desire for other people to fix it for me, I think, or to say some magic words or something. I want a magic mcguffin. Obviously, I gotta curb that. But to a great extent, I feel completely powerless over my loneliness and my current state of being, even though most of my issues lie within me. So many anxieties and insecurities and so much shame and fear surround me. The problem is that I can't seem to connect with people properly, especially without me eventually pushing them away. I feel like a different animal than other people sometimes. I'm not, I'm not different than anyone, I just have issues lol.

I want to end by saying I feel privileged to be a part of this forum. I still don't really know where I belong on the ABDL spectrum, if I belong. But I guess I just wanted to express an odd but poignant kind of feeling. I wanted to talk about an issue; my true issue. The root of all my other issues. And if you experience the same thing, please don't feel obligated to share (but definitely share if you want to, I will read what you write), but know that I understand you. I hear you, kind person.
 
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Loneliness is a horrid thing indeed.

One thing to remember is that it is a state of mind and they are necessarily changeable.

My experience at least supports that becoming more content in one's self helps to both make time on one's own more tolerable and company less challenging.

Honest and kindness towards one's self are the keys to that door. I persevered for decades in the closet and under the belief that I was somehow deficient. The damage I did to myself remains but the illusion is broken, life feels much improved.

You are not alone and you are not incapable of producing affectionate feelings. These are both easy to challenge with real world examples. Put yourself among people, you have perhaps gotten too accustomed to isolation.

You seem to have come across a profound idea and it strikes me as another step taken towards who and where you want to be. I am encouraged and hope that you are too!
 
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Hey man. Our situations sound kind of similar. I’ve been struggling with feelings of loneliness for years, despite also having plenty of relationships; most of those have been largely online since I graduated high school, and talking with people through text is fine, and actually my preferred mode of communication (I’m not nearly as eloquent while speaking lol) but text isn’t that great for loneliness, yknow? I actually spiraled really badly myself a few days ago due in part to feeling alone despite, again, having relationships. In person relationships, with my family now, no less. When I get like that, I become terrified of even being seen by people, let alone speaking to them, so… The isolation certainly doesn’t help. You said that your relationships are pretty unhealthy… I think it would be best if you could turn things around and try to make these relationships healthier if possible. It could be a lifesaver! And maybe a step toward making new friends someday? Either way, you can’t expect change overnight, you just have to try to take things one step at a time, and try to be kind for yourself. Even if you don’t care about yourself, other people do. I had to learn that the hard way by making my aunt cry… I hope things don’t get quite that bad for you.

P.S. I feel like this got a little bit rambly… I woke up not too long ago, so forgive me, lol.
 
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I can sort of relate, how long have you been feeling this 'loneliness'. Do you feel like you're even detached from yourself as well as others? Your thinking and though patterns in this post are very similar to how mine were a while ago. Have you considered the possibility of depression, or something more mild but similar? Have you considered the possibility that your thoughts have warped and that a blanket of emptiness/anxiety may have been clouding your thoughts and feelings for a very long time.

I thought and felt this way for many years (with no major event triggering it or clear cause I might add, so maybe it was really just genetics) until I took antidepressants and practiced something called cognitive therapy, which is a practice of becoming mindful of your thought patterns and challenging them, particularly bad thoughts known as 'cognitive distortions', which are erroneuous and illogical thought patterns common to almost all depressed and anxious individuals. I don't feel like I did vefore the depression, but In general I've been feeling pretty good nowadays.
 
Azzie said:
Hey man. Our situations sound kind of similar. I’ve been struggling with feelings of loneliness for years, despite also having plenty of relationships; most of those have been largely online since I graduated high school, and talking with people through text is fine, and actually my preferred mode of communication (I’m not nearly as eloquent while speaking lol) but text isn’t that great for loneliness, yknow? I actually spiraled really badly myself a few days ago due in part to feeling alone despite, again, having relationships. In person relationships, with my family now, no less. When I get like that, I become terrified of even being seen by people, let alone speaking to them, so… The isolation certainly doesn’t help. You said that your relationships are pretty unhealthy… I think it would be best if you could turn things around and try to make these relationships healthier if possible. It could be a lifesaver! And maybe a step toward making new friends someday? Either way, you can’t expect change overnight, you just have to try to take things one step at a time, and try to be kind for yourself. Even if you don’t care about yourself, other people do. I had to learn that the hard way by making my aunt cry… I hope things don’t get quite that bad for you.

P.S. I feel like this got a little bit rambly… I woke up not too long ago, so forgive me, lol.
Hey kind person, I just want you to know I think you're very strong. Some of these feelings are almost a bit unexplainable. I've found the loneliness to often be even worse when I'm around other people. College was really rough for a long while because of that, and it's still not perfect now. And no, isolating certainly doesn't help, but I end up doing it, anyway, and it sounds like you do the same. Regardless, thank you for your kindness, and if I can do anything at all (even just be an ear to listen!), please don't hesitate to reach out. But hey, thank you for sharing.

lilSorcerer said:
I can sort of relate, how long have you been feeling this 'loneliness'. Do you feel like you're even detached from yourself as well as others? Your thinking and though patterns in this post are very similar to how mine were a while ago. Have you considered the possibility of depression, or something more mild but similar? Have you considered the possibility that your thoughts have warped and that a blanket of emptiness/anxiety may have been clouding your thoughts and feelings for a very long time.

I thought and felt this way for many years (with no major event triggering it or clear cause I might add, so maybe it was really just genetics) until I took antidepressants and practiced something called cognitive therapy, which is a practice of becoming mindful of your thought patterns and challenging them, particularly bad thoughts known as 'cognitive distortions', which are erroneuous and illogical thought patterns common to almost all depressed and anxious individuals. I don't feel like I did vefore the depression, but In general I've been feeling pretty good nowadays.
Thanks for reaching out, kind person. I do feel detached from myself, quite often, actually. Have you ever felt like life was gray? But more than that, it's like a persistent feeling that makes it so the whole world feels... empty? I don't really know how to describe it. Maybe it's living death. Other than the anxiety and spirals, it's very mundane, if so. But in other words, yeah, it's like a blanket/ clouded mind. I suppose I'm aware that my thoughts become warped, though I never trust which are real and which are exaggerated.

I do have depression, so you definitely hit the nail on the head. I'm also currently in therapy, and my current therapist is pretty helpful, especially compared to therapy in the past. I'm actually getting somewhere, haha. But yeah, I have some thinking problems. The feelings are there, too, of course. But I'm also super happy to hear you've been doing better, kind person. That's really good news and is very hopeful. Thank you for sharing with me.

Anemone said:
Loneliness is a horrid thing indeed.

One thing to remember is that it is a state of mind and they are necessarily changeable.

My experience at least supports that becoming more content in one's self helps to both make time on one's own more tolerable and company less challenging.

Honest and kindness towards one's self are the keys to that door. I persevered for decades in the closet and under the belief that I was somehow deficient. The damage I did to myself remains but the illusion is broken, life feels much improved.

You are not alone and you are not incapable of producing affectionate feelings. These are both easy to challenge with real world examples. Put yourself among people, you have perhaps gotten too accustomed to isolation.

You seem to have come across a profound idea and it strikes me as another step taken towards who and where you want to be. I am encouraged and hope that you are too!
And of course, thank you too, Anemone. I figure I probably need to learn to like myself, but ehhhh... no, I'll try. I think I'll try. I'll consider trying. I'll try to get better about interacting with more people, too. I appreciate your kind words, and I whether this is a profound idea that sticks or not, at least I've made it a little farther in my journey.
 
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I think I realized a little bit more about the "empty" feeling I spoke of in my initial post, the one I attributed to "raw loneliness" that hurts really badly. I don't think it's actually loneliness that scathes me, not exactly -- it's actually burning desire. It's want. I desperately want something, or multiple things.

I kind of identified this to an extent in my original post, but I didn't realize until now that that is the pain I feel, not necessarily some raw form of loneliness.

But of course, it's not the kind of desire that motivates me to try to obtain it. No, for some reason, it's way too intense. Perhaps it's because I simultaneously also feel how trapped I am at the same time, and thus, the desire goes no where except back at me. So it hurts.

The thing is, I don't even exactly know what I want. I do know that sometimes reading people's stories on ADISC causes the scathing desire to flare up in me and ember there for a while. I don't necessarily think the feeling is jealousy, though I'm human, so that's almost certainly an element mixed up in it... But I think the feeling is closer to wanting the same kind of thing they have for myself.

So I know ABDL is partially an element of the "desire." But I'm not even sure if it's really ABDL I want, or just the idea of what ABDL is to others and what I think it could be for me.

That's the thing -- ultimately, to me, the things I read and see are just ideas in my head. The things I want might not be what I want them to be. I might actually want completely fake things. In other words, I'm an idiot.

Side note, I'm doing a research paper on the fear of missing out right now, and I almost wonder if that could be a part of why I'm experiencing these feelings. I read a study that connected it to loneliness, too, in any case. And if loneliness is the root of my issues, then I think it makes sense for FOMO to be an ingredient in my concoction of feelings.

But I almost wonder if the ultimate root of my loneliness is, indeed, a detachment from myself. Perhaps I'm not lonely just because I'm disconnected from other people; I'm lonely especially because I'm disconnected from myself. And if I'm lonely with myself, then I'll never be able to truly bond with anyone. Yadda yadda, I gotta love myself and all that jazz. And I might still be off the mark in my analysis.

But I at least have a better understanding as to what that "pain" I described in my first post actually is. This is at least a development.
 
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@RainbowConnection in response to the question of "have I ever felt like life was grey/empty": totally. I journelled almost the exact same sentence in the past.

I've had depression and mild derealization ever since I was about 15, and the most noticeable changes were "the colors draining from life", decreased motivation, decreased feelings of happiness, feelings of disconnect with myself, others, and the world, amplified negative feelings, and a tendency for any kind of stress to get "stuck" in my body and mind, and insomnia where I would wake up in the middle of the night/early morning and be unable to fall back asleep regardless of how tired I was.

My antidepressants completely fixed the part where the stress got stuck in my body and mind, allowing it to pass more easily, completely fixed the insomnia, and also seemed to get rid of the amplification of negative feelings. They only partly helped with bringing back the color to life though. Doing the cognitive therapy also helped a lot I think. The warped thoughts can form a feedback loop that has to be corrected to get the full benefits. These drugs don't always work for everyone though, so don't expect too much, but sometimes depression has a physical/chemical component to it as well as mind/spirit component to it, and making sure the physical part is addressed as well can be important.

I still feel like a zombie sometimes compared to how I remember feeling before my brain changed from out under me, but now I prefer to think of myself as humourously "half-alive" rather than "half-dead". I'm able to find enjoyment in things and connect with others to some degree, as I slowly shuffle through life, and am at peace with what I have currently. I choose what I focus on and spend energy on carefully as my motivation is still pretty low, but I'm doing fairly good now. I can look forward to the future and enjoy my life, where I couldn't much before.
 
My situation was kind of similar. I had some friends in highschool, but when the covid came and I started studying at university, I found that I did not really make any new connections. For the first year of online studies, I did not notice any loneliness. The second year I realised that I was getting lonely, but I was comforting myself with that I can't do anything about it while studying online, and I had a lot to distract myself with.

The third year of my studies, the university opened and I was kind of looking towards making some friends, however I was unable to really talk to people. It felt like there was some invisible, thick substance between me and the outer world. It was very difficult to follow conversations, look people in the eyes while talking to them, etc.

I even started prefering having long walks in the forest in the dark, just because greeting oncoming hikers felt more scary than being in the dark forest, ten miles from home. I felt better when my whole person was reduced to just a headlamp.

During this time I also lost all interest in my studies and fell behind on my school responsibilities quite a bit. I still did some school work, but just enough to not fail any of my classes. Any assignment felt like it was too much to ask.

I also started isolating myself at home. I live with my parents. We have a good relationship, but for some reason, I started feeling very uncomfortable around them. I started spending as much time in my room as possible to avoid all interactions. I was getting up early, so I could have breakfast before they woke up. I always brought dinner to my room, so I could eat alone.

My hobbies became my meaning of life. They were the best distraction from all of this and I spent all the time I could thinking about them and doing them.

This went on for a better part of a year, but a few months ago, it started getting better.
I consciously stopped avoiding interactions, I started taking magnesium supplements, I exercise every day. I also kind of accepted my loneliness. My situation did not change much, but I just look at it differently.
 
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