Lack of relationship experience is holding me back

[Afterburner]

I am in my late 30s, and have only had one relationship. I was bullied a lot in school, which made it too difficult for me to have girlfriends as a teenager. I have only had sex once as of right now, so I don't have much experience and I don't really know what it's like to have a close relationship with someone. This is making it scarier for me to open up to someone about my fetishes, which I have several. I don't really know how important it is for my partner to be into bondage or diapers, for instance. If she is amazing in every other aspect, will I be able to look past the fact that she is not willing to participate in those things? (I'm not with anyone right now, just in the event that that does happen in the future).

I'm not ready to try fetlife yet, that is TOO far out of my comfort zone. I realize that I will narrow it down to people who share my fetishes, but I'm just not ready to do that yet.

It's funny, because I am actually a very good looking guy with a very engaging, charismatic personality. It's just the anxiety caused by the trauma from being bullied so much that is preventing me from getting into a relationship.

Right now, you might be thinking: hey, if it doesn't work out with a vanilla girl, it doesn't work out. Well, for someone who is extremely sensitive, empathetic, and anxiety prone, it just doesn't work that way. I can't just say, "oh well" and move on. I guess I'm just scared that I'm going to fall in love with someone that I can't share my kinks with and end up heartbroken. I guess the bottom line is, I'm scared of breakups. Which makes sense, because I haven't had many.

I'm scared to talk to some of my friends about relationships as well, because I can't really talk to them about my fetishes, that's just too risky. Sometimes it's better to talk about these things with people you don't know/just met, that way you don't have anything to lose.

I don't know if I could handle dating a girl who has kids or not, but if she shared those kinks, it seems like that would make it irresistible.

Thank you for taking the time to read!

 

[daddyconnor]

I agree with Daniel on this one. It sounds like you have a ton of trauma from your past to deal with or work out. Until you deal with that you won't be as competitive on the dating scene.

 

[Seasonedcitizen]

When you wake up tomorrow you will have a blank page. Don't let the shadows of your past lead you, they are behind you. Everything you want is just beyond your fears. All of us have our fears. They are what they are and only you can conquer them. Just tackle them one at a time.

 

[Afterburner]

Thank you for the responses, everyone. I have been using a procedure called EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to help heal the trauma, and it's working wonderfully. I think the main problem is, I feel trapped. I think all of my fetishes are bottled up inside, which is torturing me. On the other hand, I don't have anyone that I can talk to about it in person. I'm not ready to start meeting people in person yet to talk about it. I guess I just need to spill it all out and get it off my chest, and that's hard to do.

The second thing is the bullying. You describe yourself as engaging, charismatic and good-looking. You don't have to answer this, or course, but usually, that kind of person isn't a target for bullies. Not that I doubt that your were bullied or anything like that. I'm just not sure what other advice I could give you, except to try and work through that trauma so that you can end up being less afraid of rejection.

I was a very nerdy, awkward kid. The bullying started at a very young age, long before anyone hit puberty or developed personalities.

 

[Venesha]

I have a friend who has had similar troubles. Between health and finances he hasn't been able to date or in a stable relationship practically his entire life. He beats himself up over it constantly. Thinking he isn't worth anything simply because he doesnt have a girlfriend which I think is ridiculous.

I'll give you the same advice I gave him. Meaningful relationships are built, not just found. Don't go on dates just to find someone to sleep with unless that's all your after. If you want a meaningful, loving relationship you have to build up to it.

Be friends first then worry about everything else. Don't be so focused on the endgame that you miss out on everything in between.