In a relationship, but noticing other girls/women

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OhHeyThere

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Hey guys,
So I have been going steady with my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half. This surpasses my second longest by 8 months, so this is certainly the most serious relationship I've ever had. I wont go into details but we definitely click, and things are good. She's my Disney movie princess with a Taylor Swift-kinda vibe (and looks :D) The occasional arguments do happen, but I feel like we're all the better for it.

But recently, I've found myself checking out other girls, but more specifically just this one. I have never talked to her, as every time I possibly could, she has headphones in. All I know is what she looks like. I know nothing about her, but for some reason I find myself fantasizing about hanging out with her.

I have read this is a normal thing, merely wanting what I don't have, and to throw away a year and a half of commitment to my gf for a complete stranger is definitely not a good thing. I know it's a normal thing for someone to look at others while in a long term relationship, but this my first really long one myself.

I was wondering, those of you who have been in a really long relationship (or 2...or 5), how do you curb these random crushes that pop up? Or do you even have them in the first place? :p
 
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Maxx

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It's a matter of understanding random crushes for what they are. Some people have to learn that the hard way... by experience. Others of us realize early on that we can look at and admire something without owning it, maintaining it, and living with it 24/7.

Swimming pools, boats, and exotic cars are much the same thing. Its much better to have a friend that lets you enjoy them once in a while than it is to own it and have to put up with the cost and hassle of maintaining them. I admire the aesthetic beauty and technical elegance of my friend's vintage Porsche. At the same time, I know my cheap genes would never let me enjoy owning one. I'm fortunate that he comes around and let's me drive it once in a while.
 

Slomo

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So says every man that got caught by his wife as he looks at a woman walking by.

There is a difference between being married or in a serious relationship, and being blind. As long as you don't act on those wayward stares you're part of the normal group.
 
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Maxx

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So says every man that got caught by his wife as he looks at a woman walking by.

There is a difference between being married or in a serious relationship, and being blind. As long as you don't act on those wayward stares you're part of the normal group.

ie, every man.
 
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Marka

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Mixed messages...

[...]

But recently, I've found myself checking out other girls, but more specifically just this one. I have never talked to her, as every time I possibly could, she has headphones in. All I know is what she looks like. I know nothing about her, but for some reason I find myself fantasizing about hanging out with her.

I have read this is a normal thing, merely wanting what I don't have, and to throw away a year and a half of commitment to my gf for a complete stranger is definitely not a good thing. I know it's a normal thing for someone to look at others while in a long term relationship, but this my first really long one myself.

I was wondering, those of you who have been in a really long relationship (or 2...or 5), how do you curb these random crushes that pop up? Or do you even have them in the first place? :p

OhHeyThere,

There's a few different things to consider here...


  • Admiring and, having an interest and, even some degree of fantasizing about others, is normal... The question is in the context and degree of it...

* "...my second longest by 8 months, so this is certainly the most serious relationship I've ever had..."
In realizing this, are you feeling as though the universe is asking you, "Is this your final answer?"

*
"...merely wanting what I don't have.."
What do you NOT have, with your present partner?
What does this person ("a complete stranger" that you're fantasizing about), that you "know nothing about" have, that you want and, that the person in your life, doesn't afford to you now?

* "...and to throw away a year and a half of commitment..."
Well, if this relationship is nearing the end...
prolonging it under the obligation of sparing the investment - is actually more harmful and disrespectful, all around... and, it's akin to "throwing 'good' money, after 'bad' money" , it will not improve your investment - it simply delays the inevitable - it is not a noble thing, it is cowardly... Time and commitment are of little use when, you haven't given the true consideration to all who are involved (i.e. You, your girlfriend and, even the fantasy-girl)...

Sometimes... just putting yourself in, the other seat... can give you a sobering perspective...
Let's consider that your current LTR-person (girlfriend), is having this sort of crush and/or fantasy on someone-else, who she knows nothing about... And, is asking her friends if she should play-it-safe and not 'throw away' a time period (which being in the past - is already 'gone'); under the notion that it's this noble-commitment - even though, she says you're pretty good to have... but, maybe not "THE ONE" to keep around...

How would that make you feel?

I'm not meaning to chastise you, OhHeyThere.

It's just that where you have elements of wandering-eyes, where you've set-up the context of contemplating ending your current relationship - to my eyes, you've set a certain tone, that seems to go beyond appreciating attractiveness in others - the latter part alone, is normal and healthy.

It looks to me that you may want to do some soul-searching, talk with your girlfriend about what she sees for your combined future - and, perhaps look into some relationship counseling...

You are a presumably healthy, young person and, there are many mixed messages coming from our society and peers too... I'm not whacking you with the proverbial newspaper saying, "bad dog!"

I am saying... take a closer look at what you are saying and feeling yourself...
Ask yourself, "What am I doing?"


I hope this makes some kind of good sense to you... I'm a little off-kilter from cold medicine atm...

My best and, for now,
-Marka
 

deerest

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It's normal. Women look too.


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dogboy

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It's a matter of understanding random crushes for what they are. Some people have to learn that the hard way... by experience. Others of us realize early on that we can look at and admire something without owning it, maintaining it, and living with it 24/7.

Swimming pools, boats, and exotic cars are much the same thing. Its much better to have a friend that lets you enjoy them once in a while than it is to own it and have to put up with the cost and hassle of maintaining them. I admire the aesthetic beauty and technical elegance of my friend's vintage Porsche. At the same time, I know my cheap genes would never let me enjoy owning one. I'm fortunate that he comes around and let's me drive it once in a while.

Gad. I do this all the time and I've found out if I don't buy the expensive thing that I really want, it continues to be mysterious, wonderful, incredible and the thing I desperately want that hasn't disappointed me yet. Once purchased and a year later, it's just another thing. There have been a few, and very few, exceptions to this, my recent piano purchase being one of them. I still love it and play it every day, but it's not a person.

The thing is, you don't even know what this girl's personality is like. I'm going to quote God again. Yes, Judge Judy. I've seen these drop dead beautiful young women on her show. Once they start speaking and the case unravels, you realize what horrible people they are. Typically, some poor idiot guy has given the young thing all of his money and she's raided his checking account.

So if you love your girlfriend and the two of you really hit it off, be thankful and realize that the grass is greener on your side of the fence.
 

Tetra

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No matter what's on the menu, we still look at the specials. Lots of truth in that saying!

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Maxx

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Gad. I do this all the time and I've found out if I don't buy the expensive thing that I really want, it continues to be mysterious, wonderful, incredible and the thing I desperately want that hasn't disappointed me yet. Once purchased and a year later, it's just another thing. There have been a few, and very few, exceptions to this, my recent piano purchase being one of them. I still love it and play it every day, but it's not a person.

The thing is, you don't even know what this girl's personality is like. I'm going to quote God again. Yes, Judge Judy. I've seen these drop dead beautiful young women on her show. Once they start speaking and the case unravels, you realize what horrible people they are. Typically, some poor idiot guy has given the young thing all of his money and she's raided his checking account.

So if you love your girlfriend and the two of you really hit it off, be thankful and realize that the grass is greener on your side of the fence.

I put my racing bike in that category. Hardly ever ride it unless there's prize money or trophies involved, but when I throw a leg over, its worth it.
 

AEsahaettr

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I was wondering, those of you who have been in a really long relationship (or 2...or 5), how do you curb these random crushes that pop up? Or do you even have them in the first place? :p

We're a month away from 12 years together.

I make amazing lasagna. It's unreal if I do say so. I love it, my wife Claire loves it, and all my friends love it. It's really outstanding. Imagine for a moment, if you will, that I make lasagna one night and it's amazing, and Claire likes it so much that she asks me a big question: will I promise not to make the lasagna for anyone buy her ever again? I'm a bit confused so I ask why. Well this lasagna is special, and it won't be as special if you make it for people other than me. I don't think this sounds romantic. It sounds weird, needy, and controlling. I love my lasagna. Lots of people love it. Claire wasn't the first. And how does not letting anyone else try it, ever, make any sense whatsoever?

The answer is that we're swingers. I get crushes on people. So does Claire. This is a part of who we are so what's the point of denying it? We started a few years ago and waited until we were really secure in our relationship before trying and since then it's been nothing short of amazing. I'll admit it's a little strange at first, but we both powered through that and we're so glad we did. Limiting ourselves to only a single sexual partner for the rest of our lives on the strange notion that somehow it increases our love for each other doesn't serve any purpose. So we don't. And not only do we get to indulge those crushes once in a while, we can do things that would be impossible if we led monogamous lives. Like the all-girl orgy she was in a few weeks ago, or the time she and another girl both had their lips on me someplace nice at the same time. I can go on and on but it's hard to share most the stories without running afoul of the PG-13 rating we keep here. Suffice that I have a lot of stories and they're all amazing.

Figure out what makes you happy. Then pursue that thing.
 
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