I’m torn. I don’t know what to do.

[gnd567]

Ever since I was a small child, making music has been my world. My desire to create music reignited my father’s passion for it too and we’ve spent nearly 15 years playing music together professionally. We spend many hours ever day working on some aspect of the business Our current band has been together five years and we’re starting to make a bit of real progress: airplay, local tv appearances and slightly better gigs

We only play live about 4-5 times a month but we work on it nearly every day. He also drives me to and from my main job, which involves playing guitar in a cover band 3-4 nights a week.

For the longest time, this is all I’ve ever wanted: to play music on the road.

But recently, I’ts becoming clear that this ISN’T all I want!. I want to continue playing music for a living but I also want something else.... a mommy.

If I were a normal, sighted person that wasn’t attached to his father at the hip, I could maybe get up the courage to go to a little’s munch and meet fellow ab’s and maybe a mommy.

But I can’t. I can’t take off without him because I never do. If I did, he’d know something was up. He’s nearly the only person drove me anywhere. He knows I have some social anxiety and he knows that I suffer from impotence and have never had a girlfriend and have never talked about watching one. He knows I have no real friends or side hobbies either.

I could tell him the truth but I really don’t want to. He kinda knows about the diapers. He opened a box of them once by mistake. I think he thinks they’re for medical reasons though because I wouldn’t go into it.

He’s so proud of me for not giving up despite all I’ve been through and he’s extremely proud of the music we make together and the bond we have. I’m pretty much the only thing he’s got because my sister moved out and my mother suffers from a lot of depression and I believe she has some resentment for him because he had to retire on disability.

If I told him about aBDL, CGL and mommies I think he’d freak. He’old school. He’s been known to have a difficult time with people living what you might call an “alternative lifestyle.”

I love music. It’s what I do. It’s a big part of who I am but my baby side is equally important to me and it’s suffering.

Part of me wishes I could just say “Screw it! Who cares what they think?’ But I can’t because my whole life could be turned upside down....

Worst part is it’s getting too hard to hide my sadness. They’re starting to see it. I try to hide it by pretending to have something to do in my room. I go there to cry into my pillow so nobody Heres me.

All I really want is to be put in a diaper, watch some Paw Patrol, drink some milk and snuggle up with my bear for a peaceful nap. Is that really that bad? Am I really wrong for wanting this? I’d do anything to make the pain go away.

Why does it have to hurt so damn bad?

 

[prizedcoffeecup]

No, you're not bad for wanting it. You might find it difficult to do this without continuing to do your damnest to break out of your shell, however...life is full of the most complex drama but has the simplest, yet most confusing to find answers, and being able to move forward in life is a huge but rewarding challenge.

It takes a hell of a lot and you might only be able to do it in short bursts at first, but go ahead and start talking to people in little bits whenever you can muster it. The usual basics people mumble about to each other even when they're complete strangers like the weather, little bits of events going on, etc. Even if it goes awkwardly, that's one more step to learning how to socialize better and the person will usually just continue about their day if it does. The biggest thing to know is that even though not everyone is friendly and some will be mean, but don't let the mean ones bring you down.

This should also help you with talking to your dad about the whole thing. Keep strong and search for new opportunities. I'm not the greatest at putting together advice usually but I hope this helps you out, and this is merely my own perspective of what is a good next step. I believe in you and wish you well figuring this out.

 

[Savagefoxchild]

you should tell your dad find a time where it's just you and him and talk to him about it even if you don't want him to know about it the stress from not telling him is going to get more irritating and painful overtime to you than actually telling him about it

not telling your dad about it will be even more embarrassing if he finds out through other sources

 

[prizedcoffeecup]

That's another option. Maybe less desirable, but if he disagrees at least try to come up with a compromise.

He might be oldschool but the idea of wearing dates back quite a long way to many people's surprise. It's just not quite as hard to find others the same way anymore is all.

 

[dogboy]

You could tell your dad just a small part about being AB/DL, just the surface and see what he says. If he's accepting, you could go deeper. When I started seeing a grief therapist, a psychologist, I started with just the immediate need, the death of my wife. Since then I've talked about other things, like having a boyfriend in college, and a few other things. Not everything has to be accomplished in one day or one conversation. Since he knows about your diaper past, test the waters at that level.

I think he certainly would understand your need for female companionship, so you could talk just about that, leaving the mommy part out for now. Details and going deeper can always be added at later dates.

 

[gnd567]

Thanks everyone.

It's just that I'm scared.
The reason I feel like I would have to explain it is because he knows that I have never had any interest in a conventional girlfriend.
And he knows that I would never go out in public without someone with me. And he knows that because I'm so open with him about most things, if I wanted to go somewhere where I didn't know anyone and I didn't want him or anyone I know to come along to drive me and lead me around that I was doing something that was very secretive. That might be damaging because he knows I'm not one to keep secrets and he might start suspecting all kinds of things.

That and like I said, he's old school. For example: Even though the reason he hasn't seen his first-born son in nearly 40 years is because my father and the child's mother (his then girlfriend) broke up shortly after the baby's birth and moved to different states, when he found out a few years ago that the child grew up to be gay, he was a bit shocked by it. I don't know how much he cared or if it bothered him much because he never really got to know him anyway but he definitely was a bit surprised.

Even though this isn't the same thing, I'm concerned he might view it to a bit "kinky" or "perverted." I wonder how I'd explain it without it sounding that way? He's very "vanilla."

I guess since he already knows I have diapers (he just doesn't know why) and he often wonders why he smells baby powder, that part of the groundwork has already been done? I now just need to connect the dots for him?


Even though we are very affectionate (hugs etc.) he raised me to be respectful but not to take any crap and to keep it "together" so it might be a surprise for him to find out his son has a baby side that likes diapers and wants to meet others that do the same. I'd also be sacrificing time we would be using to work on our project to go play with adult babies. I've got to make it where it's not too much for him to handle.

 

[dogboy]

I hear what you'll saying. If there ever is a right time, you'll know when it is. I wish I could be more help because you're such a nice person.

 

[gnd567]

I hear what you'll saying. If there ever is a right time, you'll know when it is. I wish I could be more help because you're such a nice person.

Thank you. I hope I can someday.