I'm completely ashamed and confused about my crossdressing.

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I'm 21 years old and when I first turned 11 years old I dressed up in my mom's panties and dress then ejaculated for the first time inside of them. Growing up I was always a typical boy, I liked sports, action figures, video games, hung out with other boys, etc. But I do remember now when I was really young I used to have pretty sexual dreams of becoming a Powerpuff girl and dressing how they did.

I've never masturbated in my life until this year(seriously) and the first time it worked for me was when I was wearing a diaper. Since then I started to buy female clothes and using those to get off in and i'm kind of bored of diapers at the moment but it always comes back.

My main fear is that i'm in denial about being transgender. The thought of it just urks me, not that there's anything wrong with it but my mind has the tenancy to look way more into things than it should and cause me MAJOR distress to the point where I can't even operate normally. Like, for example when I wore diapers I was afraid I was a pedophile or gay.

I'm okay with my male body because that's what i'm comfortable with and I don't care about being called a he/she and never really put much thought into it. However, there have been times where I thought to myself I wanted to be a real, genetically born(with chromosomes) girl just so I could wear the clothes and feel feminine. My sex drive seems to go almost hand in hand with my crossdressing though. I never wanted to take hormones because

I wouldn't want to ruin my good looking male body and never be able to go back to the way I was but I do feel more feminine in some aspects of life. I'm a prettyboy you could say and I'm really sensitive and shy.

But anyway, I'm just not sure if my crossdressing is tied to sexual urges or subconsciously i'm just in denial and actually do want to become a full time woman.. the thought of this just scares me. I just become so ashamed of myself when I crossdress and get done masturbating because I wonder to myself "why am I really doing this?". I mean i'm not gonna lie, if I transitioned and was anything less than a hot chick i'd be really angry because in a way when I crossdress that's what I imagine myself as.
I would definitely say your cross-dressing has all the evidence of being a purely sexual thing you are enjoying. Which is absolutely okay.

I really do not think it's anything more then that. There is being in denial and there is being annoyed by the idea. You seem to enjoy your male body, you just.. like many people, enjoy the thought of things being the other way around. It's a natural thing that happens sometime.

You haven't express any desire to be a woman because you feel this is a more suitable description of who you are, or out of some discomfort of being male. Not only that but you describe your ideal self as hot.. and of course we always want to be attractive, but along with everything else it points to a desire of the SEXUAL experience of a woman more then anything else.

Obviously I notice some feeling that being a male limits you, but very little beyond what it limits you sexually. You've mentioned a desire to embrace some feminine aspects in your life, but there is nothing that says you can't be a healthy, normal, totally-okay with being a male guy and enjoy crossdressing or feminine things. Enjoying feminine things does not mean you should run out and start calling yourself a trans woman. That would if anything be horribly sexist thing.

So yeah, that would be my own personal diagnosis. That you have nothing to fear.
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Thanks for your thoughts. I'm not even saying that being a trans woman is a bad thing but it is a life changing event and with me being the anxious, obsessive guy that I am I tend to look VERY far into things. Crossdressing is fun to me and if it ever turned into anything more that would be okay with me too. I just read things some places like "if you have to ask if you're transgender, you probably are!" and it freaks me out lol. But yeah, crossdressing brings out some kind of sexual side in me and I love to embrace it but I wouldn't ever want it to be something i'd want to change my body over.
andycandy said:
"if you have to ask if you're transgender, you probably are!".

This is an overly simplistic, platitude that has no basis in fact, so I wouldn't base your negative feelings on that statement at all. You have to be happy in your own skin. If you enjoy dressing as a female, and that's where it goes, be happy and enjoy it. There are a lot of people who do that, I'm sure, a lot more than us AB/DLs.
andycandy said:
My main fear is that i'm in denial about being transgender.

I was majorly into wearing bras and panties during my teens. Like yours, my first experience involved using what I could find in the laundry. As soon as I had my driver's license, though, I went out and bought my own bras--with ample padding to compensate for my wholly inadequate moobs. :)

And, as it seems to be for you, this habit was mostly a sexual release for me. I've described it before as being like playing both sides of a heterosexual relationship at the same time. That's the best explanation I can come up with. Perhaps oddly, the thought of actual sex with another person didn't appeal to me at all at the time. That added human factor seemed like such an avoidable complication, not to mention that actually exchanging fluids "down there" seemed mega-gross.

When I moved away to college, however, I wasn't brave enough to bring the bras and panties, nor was I brave enough to leave them for my parents to find. So, very reluctantly, I tossed them. My large stash of Pampers and Huggies suffered the same fate, and for the same reason.

During the first few months of college, a switch flipped and I became sexually active. And, coincidence or not, the cross-underwear-dressing urges evaporated. That said, I'd also managed to develop an affection for girly diapers, and that never went away. For that reason, I count myself a sissy, albeit a very incomplete one.

TL;DR: Like those who've responded before me, I tend to think you're not a transgender-in-denial or anything like that. You're a guy who, like so many, finds girls' underwear and clothing sexy--just in a slightly different way. And you're (probably) far from alone in that regard, too.
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Just try and not give a shit, the negative feelings will pass and become normal to you over time, just like diapers did for you.
It is always confusing and troubling when you are in the midst of discovering something quite personal and intimate about yourself. I went through the very same feelings of confusion years ago when I began to realize that I was much more feminine in nature, found that I preferred the more "girlie" ways of dress and life. It took quite sometime to realize that my inner persona which was just begging to come out was all about me being a fem/sissy boi. And then add all that to the mix of finding out that I just adored diapers and wetting, well, that was just the icing on the cake!

It was then that I had to take stock of myself of which the first thing I asked was......."does any and/all of it give me pleasure of some sort?". I had to answer "YES" because I loved how it felt to wear feminine underthings, of how it made me look and feel inside and outside. I even had to answer "YES" even in more intimate way because of how warm and tingling being dressed in such feminine/sissy ways made me feel. So much so that long and tender moments of masturbation became such a joy for me.

The next question I had to ask myself was........"am I hurting anyone? am I hurting myself?" In that case the answer was a most positive feeling "NO".

The same questions I asked myself later when I found my absolute delight with diapers and wetting, and all the joys that are attached to such a pleasure. And just like my fem/sissyboi crossdressing ways, the answers where the very same.

The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was in that feeling that you are "totally alone", that there is NO ONE out there that feels the same way, that there is NO ONE that enjoys the same thing. That took time but once I found out that there were many others just like myself, well, that hurdle just vanished.

Once you get to that stage, then "coming out" is far more easier. It just takes the right time, the right place, and the right venue to do so.

I sincerely hope that you find comfort and a bit of guidance from my words:thumbsup:. Enjoy how you are, enjoy what you are, embrace the pleasures that make you happy, and most of all....love yourself
Love being who you are. If it doesn't feel right to you and those feelings don't go away, then it isn't meant for you. I'm transgender and have dealt with my feminine urges for years, I don't go about bragging about it but I'm not afraid or ashamed of it either. I wouldn't want to be any other way..
It doesn't sound like you're TG to me as you seem mostly happy to be male. I'm a heterosexual male who's somewhat of a "manly man" most of the time, and I've wondered what it would feel like to be a girl and have worn women's underwear at times. However, I don't feel as if I'm living in the wrong body, I'm just curious is all. It just sounds like you've got a kink for girl's clothing, which there's nothing wrong with.
Do you have happen to have OCD or any other anxiety disorders by any chance? The way you seem concerned about things and take the ideas to the extreme, even when you know them not to be true (eg diapers = am I a pedophile? which you know you're not), screams primarily obsessional (purely obsessional) OCD to me by my very amateur diagnosis. Maybe if you could get that under control, you could enjoy your kinks, sexuality, and overall life more.
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