Identity tug of war.

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
I've been exploring my gender identity for a few a year now trying to figure out who I am. I have recently asked some friends to use she/her pronouns with me, and they have been very supportive about it. Here recently however, I have been feeling angry and upset with myself. I come up with all these different scenarios in my head that cause me a lot of emotional pain. I can't help but feel most days that I am only lying to myself, and everyone around me. I have also gotten so upset that I spent a few nights crying and hurting myself emotionally, and physically. Some days I wake up dreading my existence, and longing to look in the mirror to see a different person. I don't know exactly what is going on inside my head, and the sooner I figure it out the happier I can be. I have looked into therapy, but I can't afford it. I feel very lost some days, and others I feel very confident with my identity. I have looked at myself in the mirror hoping to see what my heart is feeling. I have also been trying out different names hoping to find one I finally connect with. I have stayed with Kairi for almost 4 months now, and that is the longest I have stayed with a name. It also just feels right to me, and I don't really know how to explain that. This tug of war with my identity, and emotions has gone on for almost the entire year. My relationship with my self has gotten a bit better, but I still hit a bump in the road every now and then. Here recently I actually bought myself a really cute summer dress, and I have worn it in the privacy of my room. It makes me feel very differently about myself, and I would almost say I feel cute while wearing it. I am sorry that this is very long, but I needed to get this off my chest. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it. :)
 

CutePrincess

Moderated
Messages
1,013
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
This is called gender dysphoria, and it might be a worth of a try to see a psychologist about.


maybe having a name after the sea is a good thing. be like water, go with the flow and try to loosen up.
did you happen to hear your name from a video game as first hearing? TBH I am guilty of the same thing, though I used it on the internet for years :3
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
I have always been a fan of Kingdom Hearts, and I really like Kairi as a character. I also really love Sora, but I don't think that would be a very fitting name for a girl. Ironically I was born in March, which would make me a pisces. So I find it very fitting that the name I connected with the most has a meaning that is related to water. I have been looking into different therapist, but they are all very expensive. I know that I should be talking with one about what is swimming around in my head.
 

CutePrincess

Moderated
Messages
1,013
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
personally i think, it might be a conflict cuz of social norms (i/e "normie society) or least you feel, says you shouldn't be that way, same time your heart says something else. Only way to really work out your problems is with a psychologist about.

i know for sure i get direct such pressure from my mom but ya =/
 
Last edited:

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
So basically I shouldn't act on these feelings? I guess I can just stay quiet about it, and push them aside. I know therapy should be the route I take, but a tiny part of me doesn't want this to be wrong. I guess I can look around, and make some calls to a few places. Maybe get some price quotes, and hope for the best...
 

CutePrincess

Moderated
Messages
1,013
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
So basically I shouldn't act on these feelings? I guess I can just stay quiet about it, and push them aside. I know therapy should be the route I take, but a tiny part of me doesn't want this to be wrong. I guess I can look around, and make some calls to a few places. Maybe get some price quotes, and hope for the best...
this is why it is a good idea see a psychologist because we may not word something correctly and cause an influence that might be harmful. staying quiet is the worst thing you can do with just about any situation because your own stress will eat you alive.

I was simply explaining what my be the cause of your conflict, not how to handle it.
 

JennaWets

Contributor
Messages
9
Role
Diaper Lover, Sissy, Little
Do what makes you happy but if your truly questioning your gender you should talk to therapist that has experience in gender issues. Also check out reddit there is a ton of info on there about trans issues.
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
Thank you both, I am sorry if my last reply came across the wrong way. I really didn't meant it to have the tone it did. I promise I was not trying to be mean, and I would like to apologize that it seemed that way. I really appreciate your advice, and I called around to some therapy offices today. I will continue to look into different places around me, and hopefully find someone I feel like I can trust. I have been questioning and second guessing myself for a little over a year, and I've kept mostly to myself about it until recently. I hope to be able to find a therapist and crack this case, but until then I am going to continue on just experimenting in the privacy of my room.
 

CutePrincess

Moderated
Messages
1,013
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
Thank you both, I am sorry if my last reply came across the wrong way. I really didn't meant it to have the tone it did. I promise I was not trying to be mean, and I would like to apologize that it seemed that way. I really appreciate your advice, and I called around to some therapy offices today. I will continue to look into different places around me, and hopefully find someone I feel like I can trust. I have been questioning and second guessing myself for a little over a year, and I've kept mostly to myself about it until recently. I hope to be able to find a therapist and crack this case, but until then I am going to continue on just experimenting in the privacy of my room.
no its fine, just trying to help and looks like you are progressing, hope the future is a bright one
 

lilshelly

Est. Contributor
Messages
139
Role
Adult Baby, Little, Incontinent
For me it was a long drawn out battle with myself that I kept running away from. I knew it was not the norm but I also knew that I had deep seeded feelings about it.
I did talk to someone who knew exactly what was going on when I was 15. The word transgender had not yet been used. I was just going to be transexual. I didn't understand why I wanted to do this didn't know who to turn to. Long story short I waited until I was 28 which is when someone was able to explain things to me so I understood them. My advice go see a doctor. They will be able to help you navigate through it. I know costs might be an issue but if you establish care the doctor if they are any good will work with you.
 

MandyBear

Est. Contributor
Messages
454
Role
Diaper Lover, Little, Incontinent, Other
I've been exploring my gender identity for a few a year now trying to figure out who I am.
I have recently asked some friends to use she/her pronouns with me, and they have been very supportive about it.

I actually bought myself a really cute summer dress, nd I have worn it in the privacy of my room.
It makes me feel very differently about myself, and I would almost say I feel cute while wearing it.
Congrats for having supportive friends.
Have any of them asked you why you wanted to start using She/Her? What did you tell them?
If any of these friends above are girls, Talk with them.
I'm sure if they were supportive with calling you She/Her they will help you dress all the way and see how it makes you feel.
Adult girls/women like to play dress up too you know. :)

Yes, dresses tend to have that effect on girls. :)
Top three reasons to wear a dress: When you twirl, they do the thing. They are super cute and fun. You have no clean pants/jeans, LOL.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel cute, or sexy for that matter.
 
Last edited:

Gwendolyn

Est. Contributor
Messages
124
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Sissy, Carer
A full transition may or may not be for you. Trans feels fall into an entire spectrum. My advice is to take the time you need to figure out where your feelings are. If you think that you need help with that, go get it. It took me years to figure out where I personally landed in the gulf between masculine an feminine, and to be comfortable with it. You might find yourself somewhere in the middle too. There's nothing wrong with that. It just takes some extra work because there isn't a defined role on the other side to fit yourself into.

As for the dress discussion. I'll just leave these music videos here. If they resonate with you like they did me, you might just have some thinking to do.


 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
A full transition may or may not be for you. Trans feels fall into an entire spectrum. My advice is to take the time you need to figure out where your feelings are. If you think that you need help with that, go get it. It took me years to figure out where I personally landed in the gulf between masculine an feminine, and to be comfortable with it. You might find yourself somewhere in the middle too. There's nothing wrong with that. It just takes some extra work because there isn't a defined role on the other side to fit yourself into.

As for the dress discussion. I'll just leave these music videos here. If they resonate with you like they did me, you might just have some thinking to do.


I find it funny that you would link that particular MLP song becasue I love Rarity. That song to me isn't about what you're wearing, but how it makes you feel while wearing it. If someone doesn't agree with it, but it makes you happy or feel good then who cares about what they say. Her outfit in that song is really cute, and I would love to own something like that. In all honesty, I think anything that Rarity makes is really beautiful.
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
Congrats for having supportive friends.
Have any of them asked you why you wanted to start using She/Her? What did you tell them?
If any of these friends above are girls, Talk with them.
I'm sure if they were supportive with calling you She/Her they will help you dress all the way and see how it makes you feel.
Adult girls/women like to play dress up too you know. :)

Yes, dresses tend to have that effect on girls. :)
Top three reasons to wear a dress: When you twirl, they do the thing. They are super cute and fun. You have no clean pants/jeans, LOL.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel cute, or sexy for that matter.
To make a long story short, I had a poetry diary and one of my friends read a poem I wrote about being a girl. They asked me if I have something I want to talk about, and told me that no matter what it is he will support me. So I told him that I think I might be a girl, and asked him to please keep it a secret. A few weeks passed, and I decided to tell a couple more really close friends. They asked if I wanted them to start using she/her when talking to me or about me, and I said sure. So for the last few months they have been using she/her, and it makes me feel happier. I also feel as though there is this huge weight off of my chest now that I have told them.

I have talked with the 2 that are girls, and one has offered to do my make up the next time I stay with them. They both however have offered to take me shopping, but I decided it would be better to wait until I was 150% sure, and have talked it out with a therapist. I also recommended that we wait until I have started to medically transition if I ever make it to that step. I have requested some information from a few different therapist around me, and I am trying to decided on which one will be best for me.
 

MandyBear

Est. Contributor
Messages
454
Role
Diaper Lover, Little, Incontinent, Other
I have talked with the 2 that are girls, and one has offered to do my make up the next time I stay with them.
They both however have offered to take me shopping, but I decided it would be better to wait until I was 150% sure,
and have talked it out with a therapist.
I also recommended that we wait until I have started to medically transition if I ever make it to that step.
I would say take them up on their offers first.
She how you feel, how it makes you feel first before spending time and money on a therapist and deff before thinking about anything medical.
No one can tell you how you feel, what you're feeling or if this is for you or not.
Not me, not your friends, not a therapist. Only you!
Have your friends make you over. It will either just feel right, or it won't.
And there is your answer.
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
I would say take them up on their offers first.
She how you feel, how it makes you feel first before spending time and money on a therapist and deff before thinking about anything medical.
No one can tell you how you feel, what you're feeling or if this is for you or not.
Not me, not your friends, not a therapist. Only you!
Have your friends make you over. It will either just feel right, or it won't.
And there is your answer.
I have tried a little bit of "dress up" on my own, and I have very much enjoyed it. It made my heart sing, and it felt so amazing.
 

MandyBear

Est. Contributor
Messages
454
Role
Diaper Lover, Little, Incontinent, Other
That's good.
But was the dressing up part nice or was it how it made you feel?
Did it feel normal, like this is just right or how you should be?
Do you know what I mean?
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
That's good.
But was the dressing up part nice or was it how it made you feel?
Did it feel normal, like this is just right or how you should be?
Do you know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean, and it made me feel so natural. I felt very cute, and super happy. It made me feel as if I was finally truly connecting with myself.
 

KairiHeart

Contributor
Messages
11
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Little
Okay so important update, I have talked to my mother about therapy. I didn't tell her what it was for, but she said she would help me look for one. She also was mentioning a place pretty close to us, and said they were pretty cheap even without insurance. I am hoping to be able to meet with one of them, and hopefully figure myself out. I have felt like an unsolvable puzzle for such a long time. Maybe this will also be able to help with my anxiety, and depression as well. I am going to call the office before work tomorrow.
 
Top