I want to hear everyone's best jokes they can recall! No chickens crossing roads...Or funny stories!

[KawaiiBabyjenni]

What do you get when you cross Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a Jewish guy?

You get "Conan the Distributor!"

 

[KawaiiBabyjenni]

A man is walking down the street, when he sees another guy carrying a long pole.
He stops the man and asks "excuse me, but are you a pole vaulter?" "No" the man replies "I'm German, but how did you know my name was Valter?" (Note: in Germany W's have the same pronunciation as V's, so for the purpose of this joke a V was substituted for the original W)

 

[KawaiiBabyjenni]

Did you hear the one about the Polish Coyote?
He chewed off 3 of his paws and was "still" caught in the trap!

 

[KawaiiBabyjenni]

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table!

 

[KawaiiBabyjenni]

So I was recently in California, and I swear everyone there seems to think they're a porn star.
Now when I was getting gas, this attendant, I really think he was telling the truth cause before he finished he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the back of my car...

 

[mantilla]

A pirate walks into a bar.

Bartender: "Why have you got a steering wheel attached to your pants?"

Pirate: "Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

I bought a crevasse in the Brooks Range glacier ice field near Anchorage, Alaska...paid $50,000 for it. That was the fissure price.

Sorry for toying around with the subject.

 

[Floofywoof]

It's old and its long but its worth it.

Yankee goes down south to visit a friend in Louisiana, the Cajun takes him duck hunting and the man is just amazed at the whole entire process and event.

Afterwards he ask his Cajun friend "I have friends and colleagues up north who would love to go duck hunting how would I go about it"?

The Cajun said "Let me tell you son you gets you a good gun, then you gets you a good set of waders and a good duck call don't go cheap on nat but the most important thing is to get you a good duck dog but be careful that he doesn't have a loose rear end".

"A loose rear end what do you mean? "Asked the yankee.
"Well you don't want him to fill up with watter and sink then you'd be outa dog".

So the yankee goes back to NY and he gets him a good over under shot gun, a good duck call and some good waders then he looks up hunting dogs in the phonebook and calls a guy.

"Hi I'm looking for a good duck hunting dog".

The dog breeder said "Sir I have a fine dog male black lab one year old and already trained a steal at $1400".

Yankee said "that sounds good to me but before I buy him I need to check him out first I know a few things about these animals ".

Dog breeder said "That'll be just fine sir".

Next day yankee went and looked at the dog and it was every bit the dog that was described.
Then the yankee took his finger and stuck it up the dogs hind end pulled it out and shook his head. "Nope I can't buy this dog".

The breeder was confused "Why not"?

"His hind end is too loose if I send him out in the water he'll fill up and sink then I'll be out of a dog".

The breeder thought for a moment and then he reached down and grabbed the dog by his balls jerked down and gave em one good twist and that dogs ass got so tight it could crimp off a piece of hay bailing string.

Breeder looked at him and said "Sorry bout that had him set for quail".

 

[Diaperman95]

3 brothers out shooting their BB bun when they run out of BBs. So the oldest son ask mom for some money and if him and his brothers can ride their bikes to the local store to get some BBs. so mom gives him few bucks and asked him to pick up some beans so she can make dinner. So the 3 boys ride off to town and get their BBs and beans. He puts them in the front basket in the bag. But they got on a real rough way the way home and the bags popped open and the beans and BBs mixed. Mom doesn't realize until they are eating. A little while later the youngest asked if he could be excused to go to the restroom. The young boy starts screaming for mom and she comes running in the restroom and said what is it. He said I just crapped BBS. Mom said you will be okay clean up and pull up your pants. Then boy number 2 goes to the restroom and same thing he is screaming and just pooped BBS. So a little later the oldest gets up to go to the restroom and he starts screaming. Mom comes down the hall to the restroom and said I know son you shit BBS. He said Nope But I farted and shot the dog.

 

[jasonm03]

Q How many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh?

A Ten tickles

 

[tiny]

I asked a dozen people what LGBTQ stands for. But no one gave me a straight answer.

 

[Newbaby110521]

Most of ones I remember are from my late dad and far too inappropriate but here’s one I remember from my Beaver Scout and Cub Scout annual ‘A woman rushed into a shop and said ‘I need a mousetrap but quick I’ve got a bus to catch.’ The shop assistant said ‘I’m sorry madam but we don’t sell mousetraps that big,’

Another one I remember was from ‘The Silly Little Book of Monster Jokes.’ And it goes like this:
Little Boy: Mum why can’t I swim in the Loch Ness?
Mum: Because there’s a monster in it.
Little Boy: But dads swimming in it.
Mum: That’s different. He’s insured.

 

[GigglyKid]

If i had a pound for every person that didn't find me attractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

[DiaperedMoo]

I asked a dozen people what LGBTQ stands for. But no one gave me a straight answer.

I was going to ask them for a gay joke, butt fuck it. Gay jokes aren’t funny, cum on guys.

 

[GigglyKid]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? ​

One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter

 

[Zeke]

My Doggo once licked a lemon wedge (I'd set aside on my plate, after using it in my iced tea).
Watching as he literally dragged his tongue across the rug, after?
Priceless! Utterly priceless!

Yah, it’s hard to image that they react that way to lemon, but seem to thing ass tastes totally normal! And all this BS about dogs having such a good sense of smell when mine sleeps with her nose next to her butt.

 

[Zeke]

I will share a farming secrete with y'all.

I you are watching the news and they are interviewing a farmer or Dairyman about their industry, how do you tell if they are lying?

Look and see if their lips are moving!!!!!

You can always tell the really great farmers…they’re outstanding in their field!

 

[Zeke]

I will share a farming secrete with y'all.

I you are watching the news and they are interviewing a farmer or Dairyman about their industry, how do you tell if they are lying?

Look and see if their lips are moving!!!!!

That actually sounds like it describes politicians much better than farmers.

 

[Zeke]

I know of people that suffer from Optical Rectal Ciasmitites. That is the condition in which the nerves in your eyeballs cross with the nerves in your asshole and you get a shitty outlook on life!!!

As a near silver individual I suffer from Curfew Disorder. This is what happens when all of your Joints lock up after 10 pm.

My dad referred your Optical Rectal Clasmitites as Eyeball Rectimytis which resulted in the symptoms.

 

[Zeke]

One for the Train and railroad enthusiast community.

Why did the steam engine have a tender behind?
Because she was passing to many telegraph poles!

I once had a tender behind, but after over 5 years of being diapered 24/7 I now have Rhino Tushie.