I want to hear everyone's best jokes they can recall! No chickens crossing roads...Or funny stories!

[Forced]

My friend said "what rhymes with orange" and I said "No it doesn't"

I like “Leanne Rhimes.....no it doesn’t”

 

[Forced]

How do you kill a circus.....go for the juggler

Police today discovered Luigi the pizza chef dead in his kitchen. He was found prone on the floor covered in cheese, tomato and all manners of meat products.
An officer at the scene said “he topped himself”

 

[Fluffydiapers]

Lol growing up in the 70s with 4 siblings I no we all drove my parents crazy lol I often joke that I thought my name was f-@#!n sob till I was a teenager lol my mom was the greatest may God rest her soul .mom had a short fuse .we never disobeyed her or we would get a wack from her hand lol or a shoe.love you mom in heaven from your son the fu#!n sob lol now I'm gunna cry

 

[TeddyBearCowboy]

Hey everyone, did you read the story in the news today about the person who was convinced he needed a brain transplant?

Luckily, the doctors were able to change his mind.

 

[Fluffydiapers]

Lol a funny thing as often as I wear adult diapers there have been a few times I have accidentally crapped my pants without a diaper on lol

 

[Woncrinklz]

Jokes: Cont.
12 things to consider as we close the door on 2020, one of the most difficult years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

 

[Fluffydiapers]

Jokes: Cont.
12 things to consider as we close the door on 2020, one of the most difficult years of our lifetime:

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house & told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the Backyard. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.

12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask & ask for money.

Ahhhhha to funny

 

[Woncrinklz]

Ahhhhha to funny

Cool!

 

[CutieProtector]

Everyone brace yourself for the worst joke ever, courtesy of an old friend, where the premise is funnier than the punchline:

In a world where it's illegal to drink Chinese people, where does one go to drink a Chinese person?
...
A Chineseay!

 

[Woncrinklz]

Everyone brace yourself for the worst joke ever, courtesy of an old friend, where the premise is funnier than the punchline:

In a world where it's illegal to drink Chinese people, where does one go to drink a Chinese person?
...
A Chineseay!

That's funny. But say it at a speak-easy! Funny. Gross, come to think of it, but funny.

 

[SAPexpanded]

"A mothers guide to breast feeding" by Nora Titzov

 

[egor]

My personal joke is what is dumber: 70 turkeys collectively or me owning them.

I can say for sure 70 turkeys are way more dirty, disgusting and attract more flies then 8 feeder pigs.

 

[egor]

I was cleaning out some computer message files today and I found these two.

The doctor asked me if there is any mental illness in my family? I looked him straight in the eye and said "NO! They just did a deep hole to live in and sail down the river of denial, claiming that everyone else is wrong but them!!!

Life has not given me lemons!!! I got major anxiety, anger issues, a deep love of comfort food, very little patients and a very big hatred of stupid people!!!!!!

 

[Chantacleer7]

I was cleaning out some computer message files today and I found these two.

The doctor asked me if there is any mental illness in my family? I looked him straight in the eye and said "NO! They just did a deep hole to live in and sail down the river of denial, claiming that everyone else is wrong but them!!!

Life has not given me lemons!!! I got major anxiety, anger issues, a deep love of comfort food, very little patients and a very big hatred of stupid people!!!!!!

You have me laughing!!!

 

[MeDisneyBaby]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

 

[egor]

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Ok I can blame crossing the line on this

What would oral sex with some DL's taste like?

depends

 

[Peepeegirl]

I saw one today that i thought was funny
Which place has more bedwetters?
In continents

 

[ArchtopK]

New Book
"It's a long way down" by Eileen Dover
With dedication to husband Ben and Faithful dog Rover.

 

[Woncrinklz]

Lol a funny thing as often as I wear adult diapers there have been a few times I have accidentally crapped my pants without a diaper on lol

Actually, my roommate did it today! I thought it funny since I did it too, way earlier in the year. Yikes! But oh, well. No loss. But it seems so crazed in my head when I know something is coming and I can't help it!!! It (the last time) was power-punched, so to speak, so I had absolutely nothing to do but go in a hot-flash trying to make it to the bathroom! Fly on the wall moment for sure!!!

 

[Woncrinklz]

Lol growing up in the 70s with 4 siblings I no we all drove my parents crazy lol I often joke that I thought my name was f-@#!n sob till I was a teenager lol my mom was the greatest may God rest her soul .mom had a short fuse .we never disobeyed her or we would get a wack from her hand lol or a shoe.love you mom in heaven from your son the fu#!n sob lol now I'm gunna cry

I soooo can relate!!!