I want to hear everyone's best jokes they can recall! No chickens crossing roads...Or funny stories!

AniwayasSong

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Know why 'Blond jokes' are so short?

So Men can understand 'em!

Know how to drown a Blond?

Put a 'Scratch-n-Sniff' sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool!

::*FLEES* for mah life!... ::
 

Zeke

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Too bad I can't submit some of the songs I wrote to that bar I saw...but that joke reminds me of the old joke, "What do you call a legless person?"
And everyone knows that answer...But I can't do it. I'm a care-giver so, nope on that thread. But such jokes go that way so easily. Like the hooker jokes, "How do you make a hormone?" "Don't pay her" But still... I really thank you for the funny. You and everyone have really kept the happiness going when we all really need it...
Those jokes are from a time when people weren’t nearly as easily offended as they are today. There’s a lot of people that if they don’t have anything to be offended about they’ll “borrow” the offense that they perceive was committed against someone else. When I was a kid just about every adult would constantly tell you “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”. I couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to dwell on this but as I’ve gotten older I see how people that never learned this lesson are constantly finding themselves the victim and are constantly complaining at a time in history that we should be thankful for how good we have it in this world. They’re allowing those that say the things that they find offensive to have a power over them and often run crying to the government for laws preventing this from happening. I really miss the ribbing that people used to give one another years ago but are afraid to do so in today’s society. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m getting old enough that I probably won’t have to see where all this PC BS takes us to in the future.
 

ThePaddedTurtle

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Those jokes are from a time when people weren’t nearly as easily offended as they are today. There’s a lot of people that if they don’t have anything to be offended about they’ll “borrow” the offense that they perceive was committed against someone else. When I was a kid just about every adult would constantly tell you “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”. I couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to dwell on this but as I’ve gotten older I see how people that never learned this lesson are constantly finding themselves the victim and are constantly complaining at a time in history that we should be thankful for how good we have it in this world. They’re allowing those that say the things that they find offensive to have a power over them and often run crying to the government for laws preventing this from happening. I really miss the ribbing that people used to give one another years ago but are afraid to do so in today’s society. Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m getting old enough that I probably won’t have to see where all this PC BS takes us to in the future.
if you enjoy those jokes just watch some of david chapell's stand up shows on netflix
 

AEsahaettr

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What does the B stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
 
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egor

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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover???

The position of the dirt bag. (A joke my brother in law liked)
 

AEsahaettr

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What is the difference between and Snowman and a Snow woman? The snowballs!
Reminds me of a story from Reddit!

A bunch of friends are hanging out. One tells the following joke:

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass!

One of OP's friends is drunk as shit and loves the joke so he decides to go tell it to a girl they know. Op then recounts the trainwreck:

Him: What's the difference between jam and jelly?
Her: I don't know, what?
Him: I'M GONNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!

Needless to say the joke did not land as well as he hoped.
 

Chantacleer7

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Reminds me of a story from Reddit!

A bunch of friends are hanging out. One tells the following joke:

What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock in your ass!

One of OP's friends is drunk as shit and loves the joke so he decides to go tell it to a girl they know. Op then recounts the trainwreck:

Him: What's the difference between jam and jelly?
Her: I don't know, what?
Him: I'M GONNA FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!

Needless to say the joke did not land as well as he hoped.
That is a funny story, Sorry, Not Sorry LOL!!!
 

AEsahaettr

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Know why 'Blond jokes' are so short?

So Men can understand 'em!

Know how to drown a Blond?

Put a 'Scratch-n-Sniff' sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool!

::*FLEES* for mah life!... ::
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:


I do say this as a feminist, I should specify.
 

egor

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I know of people that suffer from Optical Rectal Ciasmitites. That is the condition in which the nerves in your eyeballs cross with the nerves in your asshole and you get a shitty outlook on life!!!

As a near silver individual I suffer from Curfew Disorder. This is what happens when all of your Joints lock up after 10 pm.
 

SAPexpanded

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One for the Train and railroad enthusiast community.

Why did the steam engine have a tender behind?
Because she was passing to many telegraph poles!
 

ArchtopK

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Three survivors are shipwrecked on a deserted island.
One finds a genie lamp and rubs it, and lo' and behold a genie appears and grants each survivor one wish.
[fill in what ever description you wish for the three, it has been told ethnically and politically]
survivor one: "I wish I was back home with my family" Poof and he disappears.
survivor two: " I wish I was at a resort in Bermuda sipping a martini" Poof and he disappears.
survivor three: "Boy, it sure is lonely now... I wish I had my two friends back"
 

egor

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A coastal sheriff confiscated and burned a major pot growing operation.

He was later fired because of environmental concerns.

He was guilty of leaving no turns un-stoned.
 

AniwayasSong

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Three survivors are shipwrecked on a deserted island.
One finds a genie lamp and rubs it, and lo' and behold a genie appears and grants each survivor one wish.
[fill in what ever description you wish for the three, it has been told ethnically and politically]
survivor one: "I wish I was back home with my family" Poof and he disappears.
survivor two: " I wish I was at a resort in Bermuda sipping a martini" Poof and he disappears.
survivor three: "Boy, it sure is lonely now... I wish I had my two friends back"
omgs! I'd forgotten this joke!
(You KNOW who was the first to get ated!)
:)
 

Iheartadultdiapers

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A drunk preist driving a motorcycle crashed and the guy behind him stopped to help him pick up his bike the preist said I am ok I have the Lord riding with me.well he kept crashing and and kept saying I'm ok I have the Lord riding with me.after the fourth crash he again said I'm ok I have the Lord riding with me ,then finally the behind him yelled ,, well you better let him off or your gunna kill him 😂 lol
 
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