I want to hear everyone's best jokes they can recall! No chickens crossing roads...Or funny stories!

Wondercrinkee

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Some of the jokes/stories I'm afraid to say were from my Mom. She knew A gal who wanted to date a guy but her friend said, "I don't know if I can take on his last name!" My mother asked, "Why?" "Because it sounds like a fart in the tub! His last name was 'Bort'!"
 

Wondercrinkee

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How many PhD does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Depends on the size of the grant!
Thank you for that! I really needed that laugh!!!! That was funny! My face is still smiling!! Cute meow meow, you have there!
 
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AniwayasSong

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Some of the jokes/stories I'm afraid to say were from my Mom. She knew A gal who wanted to date a guy but her friend said, "I don't know if I can take on his last name!" My mother asked, "Why?" "Because it sounds like a fart in the tub! His last name was 'Bort'!"
My Doggo once licked a lemon wedge (I'd set aside on my plate, after using it in my iced tea).
Watching as he literally dragged his tongue across the rug, after?
Priceless! Utterly priceless!
 

Liondiapers

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me (current) three favorite:

me: "oh, did you see the news?"
them: "no, what happened?"
me: "an actor was stabbed. Reese... Reese… Reese whats-her-name?"
them: "Witherspoon?"
me: "no, with a knife!"
🥁

me: "oof i also read this in the news today. they had an obituary for an Italian chef today."
them: *no*
me: "he pasta-way!"
them: "lion, I’m gonna kill you."
me: "hehe you know what's worse? he was so poor when he died that he didn't even have a penne to his name!"
🥁

me: "ok i had one more joke i was gonna say. i made it up! it was about juice drinks, and it was really funny, but i can't unfortunately can't seem to remember the punch line…"
🥁

*mic drop*
 

ThePaddedTurtle

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a guy walks into the dentist to get a tooth removed. his dentist told him that he was going to use laughing gas. but the guy said that he got nervous about wearing a mask. The doctor said what about Novocain. the guy said that he didn't like needles. so the doctor gave him some Viagra. the guy said why am i using this. the doctor said that way you have something to hold on to.
 

egor

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I will share a farming secrete with y'all.

I you are watching the news and they are interviewing a farmer or Dairyman about their industry, how do you tell if they are lying?

Look and see if their lips are moving!!!!!
 

Wondercrinkee

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I will share a farming secrete with y'all.

I you are watching the news and they are interviewing a farmer or Dairyman about their industry, how do you tell if they are lying?

Look and see if their lips are moving!!!!!
I get it! I like it, reminds me of someone I know, actually!
 

Wondercrinkee

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Mommy mommy why must I keep running around in circles? Shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor!
OUCH! & funny! Thank you. I think we all need this, don't ya think? (Not the hammering feet, necessarily, but laughter during this time, so you are very thanked!) WE should keep it going because it's so needed and also so darn FUN! I have to think up more jokes...but my mind is a bit blank lately, but I have good ones to give in a while, I promise!
 

Zeke

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me (current) three favorite:

me: "oh, did you see the news?"
them: "no, what happened?"
me: "an actor was stabbed. Reese... Reese… Reese whats-her-name?"
them: "Witherspoon?"
me: "no, with a knife!"
🥁

me: "oof i also read this in the news today. they had an obituary for an Italian chef today."
them: *no*
me: "he pasta-way!"
them: "lion, I’m gonna kill you."
me: "hehe you know what's worse? he was so poor when he died that he didn't even have a penne to his name!"
🥁

me: "ok i had one more joke i was gonna say. i made it up! it was about juice drinks, and it was really funny, but i can't unfortunately can't seem to remember the punch line…"
🥁

*mic drop*
I’m warning you guys that if you keep the sick jokes up I’m going to break out some of them my dad used to tell. He was the king of sick jokes. He would get you involved with his long story and then make you regret the time you had invested when he gave the punch line. He was a salesman and, later, a sales manager which accounts for his natural ability to get you interested and involved in his jokes right up to the end. It’s been many years since I’ve heard from one of his jokes and I sure do miss him, I mean them. Stay padded, your butt can always use the cushion.
 

Wondercrinkee

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What do you call a man with a shuvel in his hands .

Dug
Too bad I can't submit some of the songs I wrote to that bar I saw...but that joke reminds me of the old joke, "What do you call a legless person?"
And everyone knows that answer...But I can't do it. I'm a care-giver so, nope on that thread. But such jokes go that way so easily. Like the hooker jokes, "How do you make a hormone?" "Don't pay her" But still... I really thank you for the funny. You and everyone have really kept the happiness going when we all really need it...
 

ArchtopK

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Joe woke up with a hangover after a night of Bar hopping with a memory of peeing in a golden urinal. He asked his friends, but no one remembered the same. So he spent the day trying to revisit all the bars he had been to the night before. Unfortunately, each visit resulted in the same dissapointment, no golden urinal; in fact most of the bartenders thought he was crazy. Only when he visited the last Bar, he told his story to the bartender, and the man smiled and yelled hey Tony, we found the guy who peed in the saxophone!
 
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