I want to be “broken“

[onecho]

I struggle with control issues (over myself, not others). I am diagnosed high anxiety and this is seen in how much I have to control the moment I’m in; I endlessly panic and over-analyze. As such, I can’t let go and hand over control. It’s only gotten worse over the years and it’s really destroyed my ability to regress.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, hopefully being a bachelor again and setting aside many of the stresses that feed into that anxiety will help lower that baseline. I really hope so, because the three meds I’m on haven’t done the trick.

While I can’t relinquish control in my mind, my heart has never yearned so much to be “broken”, like an unwieldy bronco brought to heel. I don’t mean I actually want ponyplay. As an aside, though, ABDL, BDSM, pony and puppyplay... they’re all couched in the same realm of control and submission; it’s often just a different system of reward and, of course, outfits.

The manner I want to be broken is through being put into my locking footie pajamas, and not being let out until I’ve lost control of my bladder and bowels. I’ve never experienced that. I don’t wish to become incontinant; I simply want to hit that point where no matter how much I fight it, I am unable to maintain control.

Not only that, but in having an accepting and understanding caregiver, I know she’ll accept and love me afterwards. There has to be this other element to the ‘letting go’: I’ll hit rock bottom, but momma will help me rise back up, as a mother soothes her child after they have an accident whilst potty training.

I hope this makes sense and isn’t too revolting. It’s not a sexual ends for me and it’s as close to that genuine BDSM mindset that I drift to. I just need to have the reins taken from me; I hate holding them, but my brain can’t let go. I need to be broken and then, afterwards, told lovingly that it’s okay to relinquish control and that I’m still a good kid.

 

[dynodoggo]

I think that's an entirely valid way of thinking. Since you said you always want control over your life its natural that you would want someone that you trust to be able to hand over that control even for just a little bit and not feel like crap over it. Having some sort of balance in that regard is healthy imo

 

[Cottontail]

I'm curious: Do you consider yourself a perfectionist, onecho?

If so, then while it probably manifests differently for you, I can still say that I understand how you feel. Many things in my career, hobbies, and other pursuits have been limited by my inability to "let go," and I've often wished that somebody was looking over my shoulder, ready to snatch a piece of work or something else away from me as soon as it met a more objective standard of "done" than I was willing to apply myself. Instead, I'll get all caught up in exactly how something is achieved, and endlessly iterate on it until every piece of a thing or a design conforms to some set of rules I've come up with. That way, if somebody ever asks me why I did something a certain way, I'll be ready to relate a philosophy that neatly connects and explains everything I've done.

Massive overkill, and fuckin' exhausting! It's a pity, in a way, that I feel so compelled to do the sort of work I do, because I often feel as though I'd be happier doing just about anything else. Some non-engineering job, non-technical hobbies... But no, I'm like a fly drawn to the blue light. I wish somebody would unplug that damned thing!

Anyway, I totally get the desire to have somebody else intervene and "break" you. It hasn't become a feature of my own ABDL fantasies yet, but it's something I've often wished for in other contexts.

 

[onecho]

I'm curious: Do you consider yourself a perfectionist, onecho?

If so, then while it probably manifests differently for you, I can still say that I understand how you feel. Many things in my career, hobbies, and other pursuits have been limited by my inability to "let go," and I've often wished that somebody was looking over my shoulder, ready to snatch a piece of work or something else away from me as soon as it met a more objective standard of "done" than I was willing to apply myself. Instead, I'll get all caught up in exactly how something is achieved, and endlessly iterate on it until every piece of a thing or a design conforms to some set of rules I've come up with. That way, if somebody ever asks me why I did something a certain way, I'll be ready to relate a philosophy that neatly connects and explains everything I've done.

Massive overkill, and fuckin' exhausting! It's a pity, in a way, that I feel so compelled to do the sort of work I do, because I often feel as though I'd be happier doing just about anything else. Some non-engineering job, non-technical hobbies... But no, I'm like a fly drawn to the blue light. I wish somebody would unplug that damned thing!

Anyway, I totally get the desire to have somebody else intervene and "break" you. It hasn't become a feature of my own ABDL fantasies yet, but it's something I've often wished for in other contexts.

That sounds pretty similar to what I experience, though I wouldn’t even say the control relates to anything productive.

Most of the time, it feels like anxiety simply for the sake of anxiety. If I miss this one medication I take thrice daily by even half an hour, I sense the worry creep up my back, almost as though I can feel my muscles tighten and my brain start to race. A lot of times, I’m not even panicking about anything, but when I feel that come on, my mind goes, ‘Come on, let’s find something to panic about! Let’s do it! I know something we can stress over!’

 

[PCBaby]

Whilst i understand the feeling of wanting to pass control over to a caregiver/mummy/daddy eyc. you may find that being forced to use your nappy is actually more traumatic than what you are going through. A CG is there to clean you up, feed you, play with you, change your wet or messy nappies but above all to love you uncondiyionally. I've been a daddy and i would have found it almost impossible to force my little wet and soil himself.

 

[onecho]

Whilst i understand the feeling of wanting to pass control over to a caregiver/mummy/daddy eyc. you may find that being forced to use your nappy is actually more traumatic than what you are going through. A CG is there to clean you up, feed you, play with you, change your wet or messy nappies but above all to love you uncondiyionally. I've been a daddy and i would have found it almost impossible to force my little wet and soil himself.

I get where you’re coming from. The caregivers I’ve had have very much been the loving caring souls you mention. I agree with you on the mindset they should have. Maybe it’s more reflective of me wanting an actual “parent” than a caregiver, at least in some cases. I didn’t have the warmest mom; she wasn’t physically abusive, but I always felt like her love was, in fact, conditional.

For the last few years, even before my second marriage, I knew I would function best as a quasi-‘son’ to an actual parent; imagine being a member of a genuine family that I get adopted into. It’s that stability, that reliability I need to not only deal with my anxiety and autism, but this AB side, too. I guess that less sunny AB scenario makes more sense from the standpoint of ‘I’ve disappointed my mother’, as opposed to a caregiver.

I’ve been searching for a permanent ‘momma’ that I could move in with forever and I’ve been very blessed in that I've had a few at different points. However, they’ve all been actual moms. I think not only does that provide a sense of genuine experience, but it also makes their feelings more “real“. They’ve seen the ups and downs of rearing children. They know we, whether we are actually little or simply role play as one, have our sweet and not so sweet sides. We have days when we need to be cuddled, and some days where we need to be sent to the corner.

It’s that emotional bond I crave. Get changed and held by someone who cares is wonderful regardless of whom is providing the care. Where it shifts into heart-achingly magical, for me, is when that person is someone who knows the power of a true mother’s love for her offspring. They can impart that in a number of ways, and sometimes that’s through discipline, but is always followed up with love.

 

[frankenmup]

Is there a difference between being "broken" and feeling helpless?

 

[Cottontail]

A lot of times, I’m not even panicking about anything, but when I feel that come on, my mind goes, ‘Come on, let’s find something to panic about! Let’s do it! I know something we can stress over!’

In lieu of play partner who can indulge your loss-of-control fantasy, perhaps you can cede some control to an activity--a video game, for example--that actively pulls your mind away from the thing that's bothering you. Maybe you're already trying that. I suppose some people would say that ABDL is that activity. It's definitely not that for me, but we're all differently messed up. I need to be in a neutral-to-happy place before a diaper and a bottle can elevate things. When I'm feeling down, I can't be left alone with my thoughts, and being a baby is all about the thoughts (for me). For where it fits into my own emotional system, I'd say it's more meditation than medication.

Being "broken," while I can definitely see the appeal, strikes me as the negative of two equal-but-opposite approaches to what you're dealing with. I won't say that it isn't worth a try, as obviously there's no lasting harm in it. At the same time, it feels somewhat analogous to hitting your finger with a hammer to make your headache (relatively) less painful.

 

[PCBaby]

I get where you’re coming from. The caregivers I’ve had have very much been the loving caring souls you mention. I agree with you on the mindset they should have. Maybe it’s more reflective of me wanting an actual “parent” than a caregiver, at least in some cases. I didn’t have the warmest mom; she wasn’t physically abusive, but I always felt like her love was, in fact, conditional.

For the last few years, even before my second marriage, I knew I would function best as a quasi-‘son’ to an actual parent; imagine being a member of a genuine family that I get adopted into. It’s that stability, that reliability I need to not only deal with my anxiety and autism, but this AB side, too. I guess that less sunny AB scenario makes more sense from the standpoint of ‘I’ve disappointed my mother’, as opposed to a caregiver.

I’ve been searching for a permanent ‘momma’ that I could move in with forever and I’ve been very blessed in that I've had a few at different points. However, they’ve all been actual moms. I think not only does that provide a sense of genuine experience, but it also makes their feelings more “real“. They’ve seen the ups and downs of rearing children. They know we, whether we are actually little or simply role play as one, have our sweet and not so sweet sides. We have days when we need to be cuddled, and some days where we need to be sent to the corner.

It’s that emotional bond I crave. Get changed and held by someone who cares is wonderful regardless of whom is providing the care. Where it shifts into heart-achingly magical, for me, is when that person is someone who knows the power of a true mother’s love for her offspring. They can impart that in a number of ways, and sometimes that’s through discipline, but is always followed up with love.

I can see your point but to me "Forcing" equals abuse. I came from a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive family with both my mother and father involved, so my attitudes are probably very biased.

 

[mommysgirlthing]

i understand this, i struggle a lot with control. i interpreted this to my situation so i know it is diffrent, but in a way similar? Cottontail said it better than i can i think:

In lieu of play partner who can indulge your loss-of-control fantasy, perhaps you can cede some control to an activity--a video game, for example--that actively pulls your mind away from the thing that's bothering you. Maybe you're already trying that. I suppose some people would say that ABDL is that activity.

i have very unhealthy habits that stem from lack of control. I grew up as a parentified child, so i fed off of control. Disordered eating had taken over my life after i lost an extreme amount of weight rapidly due to lack of nutrition and over exertion (wrestling opened the door for this outlet). my disordered eating was a great grasp for control and ABDL gave me the sense of safety i was lacking. i could eat normally when i was small, and i could love my body (as much as i could) because in littlespace i could recognize that my tummy is where all my organs go, i need my tummy, i need the space it takes up and i need my weight. i could look at my legs and see that i need my tree trunk thighs, i need them to run and play. i would see that my body was more than something to control and more a home for myself. i allowed that mindset to carry over and now i am to the point where i dont need to count calories, weigh myself or abuse substances. ABDL gave me the headspace to love myself as much as i am capable of. ABDL takes away the control so that i can step away from myself and see where i am going awry. i have no idea if that makes sense.

long story short; i hyper control myself to unhealthy degrees. ABDL has taken away the need to harm myself to feel in control and "happy." now i can be safe, happy and healthy.

 

[MeDisneyBaby]

I am a very strong willed person, and even though I do have a very loving mommy, I still can't completely give up control. I feel it's a sort of safety mechanism. The odd thing is, I love and trust her completely and have no need to worry about this, but for some reason my subconscious still does.

 

[mommysgirlthing]

I am a very strong willed person, and even though I do have a very loving mommy, I still can't completely give up control. I feel it's a sort of safety mechanism. The odd thing is, I love and trust her completely and have no need to worry about this, but for some reason my subconscious still does.

giving up control is probably the hardest thing a person could ever do, to surrender yourself is something most people never do. its okay to not give yourself (momentarily) to someone else

 

[onecho]

Is there a difference between being "broken" and feeling helpless?

I would say the differentiation is found in the circumstances. Sometimes, through no fault of your own, external forces make you feel helpless. Being “broken” brings to mind an intentional force brought upon you with a specific ‘ends’ in mind.

 

[onecho]

I can see your point but to me "Forcing" equals abuse. I came from a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive family with both my mother and father involved, so my attitudes are probably very biased.

That’s most understandable. I’m sorry you had to endure that.

 

[onecho]

At the same time, it feels somewhat analogous to hitting your finger with a hammer to make your headache (relatively) less painful.

yup, that is one helluva applicable analogy. And maybe, mentally, that what I think I need. Is it what I actually need? I have no clue. All I know is I’m so exhausted, mentally and emotionally. I’ve fucked up two marriages, and the lives of all involved. I’ve essentially forced my family into homelessness because I couldn’t take the stress of being The Man in charge of the homestead. I have a wife who would give anything to see me let go, I have a momma and maybe another who would be willing to help, I’ve lived in a cubhouse... through all that, I’ve truly let go and felt bliss on a handful of occasions. The rest of the time I had to be in such control I just make my life and everyone around me miserable.

Wanna know why I think having control ripped from me would work? You know the time I felt most blissful and little? When I was having a panic attack and overdosed (just double, not a suicide attempt) on Clonazepam. I basically stood up, and black out it hit me so hard. My big bro caught me, and put me on the couch. I woke up a couple hours later, the day has turned to night, there were cartoons on, and my big was changing me out of my wet diaper - which I didn’t intentionally wet - into a dry one. He pulled a blanket over me and I went back to sleep.

That is the letting go I need. I had my control taken from me... and I woke up to heaven. Now, I am NOT endorsing using any chemical means to achieve it; I’m lucky that the side effects were pleasant and it was my prescription to start with. But... that is what I’m chasing. I think what I need is to have that control wrestled from me. I don’t know if mentally, with all my anxiety and bipolar bs, I can do that willingly. I’m freaking desperate, though. Just look at the ruins I’ve left in my wake.

 

[onecho]

i understand this, i struggle a lot with control. i interpreted this to my situation so i know it is diffrent, but in a way similar? Cottontail said it better than i can i think:



i have very unhealthy habits that stem from lack of control. I grew up as a parentified child, so i fed off of control. Disordered eating had taken over my life after i lost an extreme amount of weight rapidly due to lack of nutrition and over exertion (wrestling opened the door for this outlet). my disordered eating was a great grasp for control and ABDL gave me the sense of safety i was lacking. i could eat normally when i was small, and i could love my body (as much as i could) because in littlespace i could recognize that my tummy is where all my organs go, i need my tummy, i need the space it takes up and i need my weight. i could look at my legs and see that i need my tree trunk thighs, i need them to run and play. i would see that my body was more than something to control and more a home for myself. i allowed that mindset to carry over and now i am to the point where i dont need to count calories, weigh myself or abuse substances. ABDL gave me the headspace to love myself as much as i am capable of. ABDL takes away the control so that i can step away from myself and see where i am going awry. i have no idea if that makes sense.

long story short; i hyper control myself to unhealthy degrees. ABDL has taken away the need to harm myself to feel in control and "happy." now i can be safe, happy and healthy.

That makes total sense, and I’m so glad you found that peace and us.

 

[mommysgirlthing]

That makes total sense, and I’m so glad you found that peace and us.

i am too! yall are awesome!

 

[dogboy]

With all that I've gone through in the last 12 years, being my wife's kidney dialysis partner and then losing her anyway, there are so many times I just want to give up. Giving control of my life over to someone has certainly crossed my mind. I'm tired of having to be responsible for everything. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety and aversion and it's the aversion part that's difficult.

The irony is that as a music director and leader, I take over the musical programming for a church, direct and teach others, am responsible for music selection, purchasing, the music budget and comforting church members. I do it all without much anxiety, but in my own personal life, I'll wait for months just to make a doctor appointment, phone about a bill I'm contesting, or other small things. My wife did these things but now she's gone and they can still be overwhelming for me. So I understand how you and others here feel. I see the world as a difficult place to negotiate.

 

[littlemoosey]

With all that I've gone through in the last 12 years, being my wife's kidney dialysis partner and then losing her anyway, there are so many times I just want to give up. Giving control of my life over to someone has certainly crossed my mind. I'm tired of having to be responsible for everything. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety and aversion and it's the aversion part that's difficult.

The irony is that as a music director and leader, I take over the musical programming for a church, direct and teach others, am responsible for music selection, purchasing, the music budget and comforting church members. I do it all without much anxiety, but in my own personal life, I'll wait for months just to make a doctor appointment, phone about a bill I'm contesting, or other small things. My wife did these things but now she's gone and they can still be overwhelming for me. So I understand how you and others here feel. I see the world as a difficult place to negotiate.

I think that the world has gotten more difficult, more... impersonal. In the old days if you had a problem you could pick up the phone and talk to a person that actually cared. Today you spend 5 minutes on a phone tree, only to leave a message. Or perhaps you have to send an email to which you receive a recipe response. Worse yet customer service from another country. Try and make a Dr's. appointment! In the old days as a new patient the receptionist sat down with you to run throught the particulars, now you have to navigate their website and print out a 20 page questionnaire, and govt releases. It makes you just want to stay at home and roll the dice.

Everybody is offended by everything, God forbid you breathe improperly you get doxed.

I agree with Onecho, I would just like to curl up sometimes and let someone else take the reins, to be just told what to do, what to wear. It would be liberating not to always have to make the decisions. A little doesnt have to run the show... it just happens in a firm and loving way.

 

[Cottontail]

My big bro caught me, and put me on the couch. I woke up a couple hours later, the day has turned to night, there were cartoons on, and my big was changing me out of my wet diaper - which I didn’t intentionally wet - into a dry one. He pulled a blanket over me and I went back to sleep.

That is the letting go I need. I had my control taken from me... and I woke up to heaven.

A big bro who was "fond of four-wheeled vehicles," perhaps, or am I stretching an old memory over a newer event? (I'm a bunny with an elephant's memory, for better or worse.) In any case, I'm really glad your intentions were more benign than suicide, and I'm also glad you had somebody there to pick you up--literally and in other ways. Indeed, I totally get the appeal. If it can be reproduced without controlled substances, it has my full endorsement. But, in all seriousness, I think we'd all like a bit of letting go. I'm not sure exactly the form I'd want it to take, and I'd probably prefer that it didn't involve resigning myself to using a padlocked diaper, but to a great extent, the ends justify the means. I won't judge. There's a BDSM stereotype of a CEO who likes to be tied up and spanked after hours. And I think there's a bit of that (or more) in all of us, metaphorically speaking.