i wanna be a girly girl, but..

[Alexia]

hi everyone!

it's been a while since i accepted the fact that i'm trans and i'm still in the closet which really makes things hard when it comes to being myself but i recently decided to be myself regardless of what other people think. i'm a sweet girly girl and i wanna look and act appropriate to that. i also made a final decision on my girl name which is Alexia or Lexi for short. (i love my girl name soo much) the problem is that i just can't feel girly when my hair isn't long. i'm letting it grow but it's still gonna take at least a year to reach girly length.

then there's my voice.... i don't think i even have to say anything about it.. how can i pass as a girl when my voice makes me sound like a drunk russian? i tried changing it but that doesn't work. i know about vocal lessons but i just can't do that as i'm way too shy to make voices even if im alone where nobody can hear me.

then there's my body. i have a naturally slim and feminine figure which helps a lot, but my male body parts are making me feel very non girly especially because i'm a lesbian.. what if i find a cute girl and she rejects me because im not physically a girl? diapers really help here as they cover up my male parts while making me feel super girly but it's not a permanent solution.

i don't really know what kind of responses im looking for here. i just don't have anyone to talk to since i lost my long distance girlfriend

 

[Strawberry]

got to work on your pitch and holding it.. day in day out.. <3

 

[Alexia]

got to work on your pitch and holding it.. day in day out.. <3

thanks for the advice. anything helps im already feeling girly<3

 

[gigglemuffinz]

A few things.

1. I 100% understand feeling embarrassed about working on your voice. I super encourage you to try to work your hardest to get over it. It's been a struggle for me too, but years go by and you start super regretting all the time you spent more time being ashamed of yourself then working to make yourself a you that you can be happy about. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Your voice will sound funny at times. You are valid and what you are doing is hard and deserves respect. Don't give up on yourself.

2. There are absolutely people who will accept you as a woman, even with the parts you were born with. Lesbians, bi-sexuals, pansexuals, all kinds. I've met many different women who include trans women as their interests. Don't give up on finding love!

 

[Alexia]

A few things.

1. I 100% understand feeling embarrassed about working on your voice. I super encourage you to try to work your hardest to get over it. It's been a struggle for me too, but years go by and you start super regretting all the time you spent more time being ashamed of yourself then working to make yourself a you that you can be happy about. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Your voice will sound funny at times. You are valid and what you are doing is hard and deserves respect. Don't give up on yourself.

2. There are absolutely people who will accept you as a woman, even with the parts you were born with. Lesbians, bi-sexuals, pansexuals, all kinds. I've met many different women who include trans women as their interests. Don't give up on finding love!

heyy thanks for your kind words of support. Lexi really appreciates it <3

oh, and i just wanted to say that you really inspire me. at first i had no idea that you are trans too and i was very surprised when i found out because you're deffinitly the girliest girl in this community. i always thought trans girls can't be sweet and girly but you proved me wrong and now i hope to be at least half as girly as you someday. <3

 

[gigglemuffinz]

heyy thanks for your kind words of support. Lexi really appreciates it <3

oh, and i just wanted to say that you really inspire me. at first i had no idea that you are trans too and i was very surprised when i found out because you're deffinitly the girliest girl in this community. i always thought trans girls can't be sweet and girly but you proved me wrong and now i hope to be at least half as girly as you someday. <3

Aw, well thank you so much! You can be anything as you wanna be, and I believe you'll be the girl of your dreams sooner than you realize! ♥ Never let anyone dull your sparkle, never let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

[ShippoFox]

Me too.... But I can't do it. Criticism kills me. Too much anxiety.

 

[Alexia]

Me too.... But I can't do it. Criticism kills me. Too much anxiety.

i feel exactly the same about this. but i decided to go for it anyway. i simply don't care what other people might say. you're not hurting anyone by being yourself<3

tho im still anxious about coming out..

 

[ShippoFox]

I don't care what others think... But... I can't handle the criticism. I wish I could just do what I want and laugh at others opinions about it... But i have like a mental block.... I can't make myself do it

 

[Alexia]

I don't care what others think... But... I can't handle the criticism. I wish I could just do what I want and laugh at others opinions about it... But i have like a mental block.... I can't make myself do it

i know exactly what you mean. about a month ago i wanted to tell my best friend but i just couldn't do it. i only told two people which are both my internet friends so it was a lot easier to tell them since i never see them face to face. but at some point we'll have to do it.

and if you don't mind me asking, are you thinking about getting an hrt and surgery in the near future? i would really want to do it if i could afford it..

 

[ShippoFox]

No, I can't do anything like that anytime soon... regardless of what I wish. (as far as wishes... I wish I could suddenly become a girl tomorrow) It's expensive... and I'm just afraid. I want HRT, although I wish it wasn't necessary. Either way, I can't afford it. I hate my male parts, but surgery really terrifies me. And I really, definitely can't afford that. I don't know how I ever would be able to do so.

I actually talked to my mom about this stuff one time. She seemed accepting, yet very reluctant to actually help. While I don't think she'd reject me if I transitioned someday, I don't think she'll actually help. This was about four years ago, give or take. We have never spoken of it even once since then. I've been too terrified to bring it up... as if I'd be confessing it all over again for the first time! And she has never asked about it.

 

[ShippoFox]

I'll rephrase. I do not want to care what others think so strongly... but I do.... I can't help it. I get very anxious when I'm feeling judged. I accept who I want to be just fine.... but I feel like no one gives a crap about that. I'd probably lose my mind on a daily basis... I can't handle people treating me like crap.... and I'd be no happier because of it. I can't truly win no matter what I do. Other people are only one problem. Money is another big one.

 

[ShippoFox]

I get what what you're saying (and, if I may - please use the reply with quote feature so, I know when you have replied to me - or, others)

There is a difference... to being respectful of others sensitivities... There's also the matter of what we project, of our own set-backs; as being in the name of others concerns - much as you stated about money...

However... you need not money nor other's approval - to be who you are...

With that - I'm inclined to suggest, that you have not accepted who you are... who you are, is not contingent on anything but, you...

This is one of those (is it an oxymoron?)...

Are you money?

Are you surgery?

Are you clothing?

Are you, other people?

My bet - is No - no- no- no...

What are you?
Who are you?

This is confusing. I know that I'm more than a physical shell & the clothes I wear on my physical shell... but still, it hurts a lot to not be able to express my real self.... at this point, I wonder sometimes what "real self" even means. what is transitioning within myself anyway? What do I actually do?

So, to go back a bit... I would speculate (guess), that you have been conditioned, to evaluate who you are (or your inherent goodness or acceptability); by the suppositions of others!"

Kinda right, I guess. I mean... I don't have the kinda family that's aggressively forcing religion on me, or anything like that. But I intensely fear the drama that would occur if I "came out" (or re-do so, when considering my mom) They're going to offer some sort of counter-point... and I'd be really anxious, sad, and frustrated. I don't usually deal with disagreements in "real life" very well in the first place.

For the most part... if you are having regular and persistent contention, with those around you... you almost always are certain to have unresolved issues within you...

uhmmm... I dunno. I don't hate my family or anything. They're the only ones I can really (mostly) count on for stuff. I am pretty sure i have unresolved issues though.

It could be, that you're too afraid... (understandable)

It could be, that you have more to learn (also understandable)

It could be, that you've deceived yourself (again, understandable)

Very much the first thing! VERY much. VERY VERY much.
Maybe the second one, I don't know.
I don't know about the third thing either.

Do you want to kick me in the teeth? (it 's okay, if you feel that way... )

Maaaaaaaybe xD But I won't... you're nice and trying to help

 

[ShippoFox]

^_^ Thanks!

I think, that one thing the confrontational issue illustrates is... we sort of get this notion, like we have to throw a switch *bam*

The other thing might be going about it, as though we're going to emerge as a completely different person too...
So the old you that everyone thinks they know - gone! The new you, they don't know, a stranger appears *bam*

For lack of a better term... maybe don't come out *bam* maybe, emerge over a period of time instead...
Start with little things and just sort of casually wiggle in to the natural you - both, you and others will be able to get comfortable as you go (or grow)...

These things tend to be in our minds, for quite a long time before we get the nerve and/or direction to move on to doing this... So, it usually won't feel so sudden to you rather, it feels like a long time overdue...

However, there can be a very disconcerted and abrupt or, awkward part to this - when we try to make the outside, reflect not only the inside yet, what you've imagined too... kind of like a fantasy...

The reality - tends to be a bit more harsh and unpredictable and trying - just for you alone...

As with any birth, we don't just hop-up and go...

Transitioning within yourself - is a turn away from fantasy... that you aren't going about it like you're hoping Santa Clause or a magic fairy, will *ting* transform you, into a princess...

Rather than telling yourself or others, that you wish you were; you tell yourself, that you are now, you already are now, what you desire to be - you live, that you are now, who you know yourself as...

If, this was a Broadway play or, a movie set scenario... You're going to play the lead role!

You have getting into costume and...

You have what's called, getting into character

Getting into character, is the primary part though, getting into costume, tends to help refine the character -

as you become more believable in appearance, you tend to act more believable too - which tends to lead to greater refinements yet again, to your appearance...

Going back and forth making slight adjustments here and there, to both costume and character you eventually reach a balance...

So, maybe now - we need a script... this is where you write the purpose and intentions of your role...

This is the final part of your triangle of self... it will interact with and, take influence from both, your character and costume...

You will test and rehearse, a little at a time... editing the script, adjusting the costume and, practicing the character...

Okay, so you're not really in a play (this is real-life) yet, you are most definitely, the lead role, in your life - own it!

Where will you start? Something as simple as some nice panties perhaps? I would start with that... if you haven't tried it already; there's more to it than you might think

Too late in the day to go shopping now? Start working on your life script, maybe practice some character traits...

Who are you?

Anyway, I hope I didn't lose you on that - that's what came out of the grab-bag this round...
What inspired me to write this one is... I think, many of us wait and want for so long, then we can't stand it anymore and *plop*, we come out, in a messy, awkward vengeance...

That tends to cause more shock and embarrassment, all around... which can stunt your personal-growth and/or incite some resentment around you...

I recommend to test little bits of the things like I mentioned above - in the real-world; if you don't set yourself up to be a sudden rush of chaos - you should find that family and others grow and adapt, right along with you (they might not realize it at first)... Just some ideas to keep it from being a declaration of confrontation... keep yourself comfortable as often as you can...

I dearly do hope that this is helpful and inspiring yet, please feel free to question, comment and, criticize, as you see fit...
Perhaps, it doesn't have to be dramatic...

For now,
-Marka

They'd probably easily pick up on it if I started doing feminine things. They seem to figure things out easily, for the most part. So it'd be just like admitting everything anyway.

I have some clothes, but they're a secret. I can only wear when I'm home alone (rarely) or in my room. (except the girly training pants they wont see... ashamed of how much money i spent on them, but they'll last til they fall apart, so not a waste of money! More comfortable than most panties appear to be.) I have to hand wash my stuff, then hang to dry in my room. And I buy stuff online because I don't drive.

what do I actually change about myself though, at this early stage, without being too drastic? Other than IRL cussing a little less (though people of all genders do say "bad" words....), and maybe being less angry and frustrated (a lot of which is actually caused by being "closeted"... and my family seems to show that anger isnt specific to either gender)... I dunno... I mean... I don't plan to totally dump who i am... just.... add to it, if that makes sense... I guess.

also, sorry for sorta taking over this topic, cuddlekitty. Though maybe my stuff will be helpful.... although i doubt it.

 

[Alexia]

also, sorry for sorta taking over this topic, cuddlekitty. Though maybe my stuff will be helpful.... although i doubt it.

don't you worry about it. from reading your posts it seems like we're in a very similar if not almost the same situation. the only difference would be the family response. my family would be okay with it and that would for some reason make me feel very uncomfortable. yea i know it sounds weird but people are strange.

i really hope i'll feel more confident in my girly personality when my hair gets longer. and if that works out i might finally feel comfortable with wearing glasses. accepting myself as a girl is the best thing i did

 

[ShippoFox]

don't you worry about it. from reading your posts it seems like we're in a very similar if not almost the same situation. the only difference would be the family response. my family would be okay with it and that would for some reason make me feel very uncomfortable. yea i know it sounds weird but people are strange.

i really hope i'll feel more confident in my girly personality when my hair gets longer. and if that works out i might finally feel comfortable with wearing glasses. accepting myself as a girl is the best thing i did

I don't know how to explain how my family would feel. I don't even totally know how they would feel. I guess my concern is more that they'd strongly push how difficult it would be, and that being why I should forget it...? Theyll remind me how expensive everything would be. They'll say they know me... That I'm just confused.

My family is actually pretty progressive. They support LGBTQ rights. My brother has irl gay friends. But me... I'm different... I'm part of the family, so I just... I Feel like I'm held to a different standard. Also, my mom isn't a fan of girly girls. And she's said she's happy she didn't have any girls.... How tragically ironic for me. It's stupid, but sometimes I feel like the universe listened to her wish and I got screwed because of it... No science to support that though. Also, I need to be careful not to say anything too specific... this isn't the EC board. *a little paranoid*

I'm pretty sure my dad would have a big problem with it though.... But... He'd eventually come around. Uh, someday anyway. I'm close to my dad though.... So it'd be very rough on me to know he's upset.

But really... I dont handle criticism and confrontation very well. I've never been good with it. I worry that this aspect dooms me to never be able to handle this...and I think it's, subconsciously, from being bullied constantly in elementary school. Funny how one of their lines at the time was that I'm too much like a girl. Another funny one was being accused of wearing diapers.

 

[Alexia]

-

aw.. sounds like you're in a bad position here. maybe you could still try to talk to them about it. maybe tell them that the expensive surgery is not essential for it. you never know, you might be surprised with their response. but then again, i don't know your parents as well as you do, so there's only so much advice i can come up with.

you could also just go ahead and tell them and see what happens. i don't think they'd disown you for that. but judging by what you said, i don't think you're comfortable with doing this..

i was being bullied in school too and as years went by i simply forgot about all the negativity i recived from it and moved on. but i know it's not like that for everyone..

that's all i could come up with for now. i wish i could be of more help to you but there's only so much a person can do. you could message me sometime if you wanna talk