I need feedback on this story I'm going to do.

BabyKai

Est. Contributor
Messages
50
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Incontinent
Hi, I'm really into writing stories but this is my first ABDL story. I've written quite a bit so far and would love feedback, negative or positive. As long as you aren't rude about it (although I doubt anyone will be since it seems this website is just full of very lovely, caring, friendly people).

So anyway, I'm really nervous. I plan to finish this story in a month (and then upload it) as it will be a long one. I want to say it will be emotional and about friendship, acceptance and learning to be yourself but I might end up changing it as I write it. But for now, my idea is for it to be about that. I haven't got a name yet so any story names will be welcome. Heck, give me ideas on how you think the plot should go if you like, I honestly love hearing what other people think.



My Story:

A young man walked down an empty, quiet street. He looked like an average man in his early 20s. Short brown hair, green eyes and plump lips. His face had a reddish colour, more than likely due to the cold weather. He wore a white woolly jumper, denim jeans and thick winter boots. He stopped in his tracks, biting his thumb nail nervously, as he looked around in a highly paranoid behaviour. He sighed and muttered something to himself under his breath and carried on walking.

He'd waited a long time for this. It took him a long time just to think about doing this. He couldn't chicken out now. He took out a crumpled piece of paper and checked the address written hastily on it. Just a few more minutes and he'd be there. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. Putting the paper back in his pocket, he took out his phone and checked the time: 08:30am... He was going to be a bit early but he knew he'd more than likely spend 10 minutes outside trying to convince himself that it'll be okay. He knew himself too well.

When he finally got to the house, he did exactly that. He leaned back on a brick wall beside the neighbouring house, smoking a cigarette, arguing with himself in his mind.

I need this. I deserve this... I'm so pathetic, why am I such a freak? Oh shut up! We've gone through this so many times in my head it really is becoming pathetic!

He dropped his cigarette on the floor, stomped on it and walked towards the house. It was a modest house. It stood in a suburban street full of plants and trees. It was just a simple detached, two story house with a slightly grandiose black door. He got to the door, gingerly pressed the bell and waited. He heard someone walk towards the door and suddenly felt like running away, as fast as he could but he pushed those feelings down and stood his ground.

The door opened and revealed a young woman in her mid 30s. Sandy blonde hair with large curls down to her shoulders, bright blue eyes and a warm smile on her face. The shape of her face resembled something akin to a heart, it really made him feel welcome and calm immediately. As if he knew he was safe.

"Hello there, you're Jayden right?" The woman said with a smile. She leaned against the door frame, waiting for his answer.

"Yeah but I just prefer Jay." He said with a slight nervous undertone to his voice. She smiled again and nodded her head.

"Of course, I apologise. My name is Ruby. Come inside." She moved back, allowing Jay to walk into the house before shutting the door behind her. She ushered him into the living room and sat down.

"So, this is your first time?" Ruby asked. Jay nodded, looking down. "Oh don't worry, everyone's nervous when it's their first. How about we go upstairs to the nursery and get you settled." She stood up and waited for him to follow suit.

Jay nervously got up with a slight shake. He followed her up the stairs, one step at a time. She opened a door that had a large sign on it simply saying "Nursery" in big, childish handwriting. As soon as he saw the room he felt at home.

The nursery was quite gender natural. Not very girly, not very boyish. There was a large crib in the corner covered in blankets and toys. There was a shelf stacked high with nappies and clothes. A large changing table sat at the opposite side of the crib, already prepared for him. There was a toy chest that resembled a pirates treasure chest that looked filled to the brim to the point it could hardly close. And on the floor was a large playing mat with roads and houses printed on it.

He began feeling excited and without realising it, went into his little space. He smiled a toothy grin like a small toddler and walked into the room. Ruby laughed and said something about him looking right at home but Jay was too enthralled by the giant cot.

He had never been in such an amazing place before. He only started acting on his little side since he moved out of his parents house at 19 and into a flat with his best friend and now flat mate. He sometimes locked himself in his room and wore diapers and a onesie. He would suck on a pacifier and drink from a bottle while watching kids shows on his iPad... but that was as far as he could go. He was too scared to get any toys, never mind a ginormous cot.

He looked around the room even more and saw a large high chair in the corner. He jumped up and down in glee and was so excited to be here. Why was he ever so scared to come here? Why was he kicking up such a fuss outside the house? Why did it take him this long?

"How about we get you undressed and change your nappy?" Ruby said softly, gently putting a hand on his shoulder to guide him to the changing table.

Jay just nodded his head and climbed on to the table, his face showing how excited he was. He'd never been changed before. This was his first time. Oh no, now he was feeling nervous. His mood suddenly changed and Ruby noticed instantly.

"Jay, it's okay. Just breath. My sweet little one. Mummy's going to take care of everything." She said as she stroked his hair. Jay suddenly felt a swell of emotion bubble up out of his chest and he began to cry. He didn't exactly know why as he wasn't one to cry a lot. Only on rare occasions. He felt really loved. He didn't know why, considering he'd only just met this woman but she made him feel loved.

He'd never really known affection. His parents were the type of people who covered the basics and didn't bother with the emotional aspects of having a child. They cleaned him, fed him and gave him a roof over his head... but that was about it. If he ever wanted anything, he'd get it straight away... but that was with material objects. When he was younger he knew he could ask for a brand new N64 and get it the next day but if he asked for a hug... he never got one. It was rather confusing growing up. His friends were always so jealous of him because he was so spoilt but he was the most jealous out of all of his friends because he saw his friends get kissed goodbye before school and he saw his friends try to fight the kisses away feeling embarrassed, it annoyed him. When he got dropped off at school, his mum just drove off as soon as he left the car. Not even glancing back at him as she would drive down the road.

So this affection was alien to him... and he loved it. All the emotions he'd kept locked away for years came out and all the while, Ruby comforted him. She took his trousers off, and smiled when she saw he already had a nappy on. She took it off as delicately as she could. She wiped him with baby wipes, put baby powder on him and placed a fresh clean, disposable nappy on him.

Jay soon found himself back in his little mindset and cooed at her. She made funny faces, making him giggle and squeal with joy. She asked him to put his arms up so she could take his shirt off.

"Now stay still, little one, while mummy picks out a beautiful onesie for my handsome little boy." She


...

That's all I've written so far. Again, I'd love to hear feedback, negative or positive. Any story name ideas or story plot ideas will be welcome and appreciated a lot. Thank you for reading.
 

kerry

ADISC Moderator
Staff
Messages
1,429
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  1. Little
  2. Incontinent
Hi, Kai, and welcome to the Stories forum! Good to see new folks trying their hands at this. I'll make a general comment and then a few specific ones, OK?

In general, your writing is pretty good and clear here, but there isn't a whole lot going on. Jay is introduced and immediately goes to a local adult nursery (that just happens to be, apparently, right down the street from him: what luck!). It's cute, but there is no real "plot," because plot always involves conflict. This is wish fulfillment. My best suggestion, then, is to introduce an element of conflict to the story. Make Jay's world harder, more difficult, scarier. Perhaps make it possible that this nursery is a bit on the shady side. Or that he'd be seen coming here. Or something.

You need that to develop the reader's interest. :)

Good luck!



My Story:

Hard to tell, but so far you might consider just calling it "The Nursery." Maybe you have more in mind, though?
A young man walked down an empty, quiet street. He looked like an average man in his early 20s. Short brown hair, green eyes and plump lips. His face had a reddish colour, more than likely due to the cold weather. He wore a white woolly jumper, denim jeans and thick winter boots.

This is called "info-dumping." It's not a really great descriptive technique. The thing is that we don't really need details on the character's appearance unless they are really important. ("Average" is not important.) And when we do need them, they should just come out naturally within the narrative.
He dropped his cigarette on the floor, stomped on it and walked towards the house. It was a modest house. It stood in a suburban street full of plants and trees. It was just a simple detached, two story house with a slightly grandiose black door. He got to the door, gingerly pressed the bell and waited. He heard someone walk towards the door and suddenly felt like running away, as fast as he could but he pushed those feelings down and stood his ground.

The door opened and revealed a young woman in her mid 30s. Sandy blonde hair with large curls down to her shoulders, bright blue eyes and a warm smile on her face. The shape of her face resembled something akin to a heart, it really made him feel welcome and calm immediately. As if he knew he was safe.

Well, first of all: he dropped the cigarette on the "floor"? Outside? :) OK, that being considered, this isn't bad at all, and in this case the physical description of the woman may be acceptable: the calming effect her appearance has on him makes it so. But maybe more on this?

Your dialogue inside is pretty good but sparse, especially since you note that he's nervous. She'd talk with him longer, set him at ease. As to the nursery itself: a fair enough description, but it arrives so quickly in the story that we as readers don't know what to make of it. We don't know Jay. We surely don't know Ruby. As I said before: there is no conflict here.

He'd never really known affection. His parents were the type of people who covered the basics and didn't bother with the emotional aspects of having a child. They cleaned him, fed him and gave him a roof over his head... but that was about it. If he ever wanted anything, he'd get it straight away... but that was with material objects. When he was younger he knew he could ask for a brand new N64 and get it the next day but if he asked for a hug... he never got one. It was rather confusing growing up. His friends were always so jealous of him because he was so spoilt but he was the most jealous out of all of his friends because he saw his friends get kissed goodbye before school and he saw his friends try to fight the kisses away feeling embarrassed, it annoyed him. When he got dropped off at school, his mum just drove off as soon as he left the car. Not even glancing back at him as she would drive down the road.

And this part seems pretty summative: it's really interesting background, but would be so much better if you fleshed it out more.

All in all, I think you have a promising start here. Keep it up!
 

BabyKai

Est. Contributor
Messages
50
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Incontinent
Thank you a lot for that. I'll definitely work on it and use your advice. It's really appreciated.

I'll work more on talking about Jay and his character. And I've definitely got a good plot in mind now.

Thank you for advice.
 

dogboy

Est. Contributor
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
You're in luck because you got Kerry to comment. She's an English teacher and a writer. I enjoy writing and have a 180,000 word novel published via Kindle, so here's my limited comment. I hate character descriptions because they're so obvious. I would delete the first paragraph and start with the second. I would also eliminate the description in the 6th paragraph. Leave some mystery to the woman who comes to the door.

I was more into half of my novel before I gave a hint to my young male main character. He and his sister are riding bikes and he suddenly notices the shadow he and his bike make and there is a small description of how he enjoys seeing the shadow of his long hair blowing back. I just feel you have to be very subtle in character description. There can be information given through dialogue, or reflections in mirrors. Age can be revealed in a number of ways without saying, "Maude was 41 years old, attractive, wearing a smart navy blue suit which accentuated her curves." It sounds like bad pulp fiction.

I worked as a teacher assistant when I was writing my book and for a while, I worked in the school library. When I had free time, I would read the first page of hundreds of books just to see how the authors started there stories. There's something to be learned by doing that, from kid's authors to Ernest Hemingway.
 

BabyKai

Est. Contributor
Messages
50
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Incontinent
Again, thank you so much for the advice. I'm quite good at English and I'm always full of ideas, but getting my idea on paper is incredibly hard (especially with my ADHD, I can barely focus haha). All this advice is greatly appreciated and will be using it to help create this story. I've had this story idea for a long time now and have only just started writing it out.

The main idea was to follow this character through his life as he discovers self acceptance. He deals with losing friends and being disowned by family members. He goes through depression and when he reaches rock bottom, he discovers a community full of accepting people. Obviously there's more to the plot than that but that's the main bit.

I've changed my mind on how I'll start it. I'm going to start the story with him in his childhood. How he discovered that he enjoyed being a baby etc. Then the story will follow him through his childhood to his teens to adult hood.

I'll definitely go through my collection of books and compare how each author begins their books. That's a great idea.

Anyway, thanks so much for your advice. You two are brilliant and so helpful.
 
M

Maxx

Guest
Gender natural neutral.

Probably an unnoticed substitution by whatever word processor you're using. Even with all the modern tools, eyeball proofreading is still necessary.
 
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