i feel like drinking again..

MissAmy

little diaper princess
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it's been almost two full years since the last time i poured a glass of vodka but now i feel like doing it again 😔

a few years ago i was drinking almost every day and the only thing that made me smile was the thought that i can always just suicide to get away from everything. my family was deeply concerned for me, my mom and sister even broke down crying because they were so afraid i'll hurt myself, they tried to help but couldn't. eventually i got over it but not really.. i just kinda swept everything under the rug, convinced myself i'm okay when i actually wasn't. i learned to supress the bad feelings by distracting myself with other stuff (like being a sweet little diaper princess) but that doesn't work anymore..

it all started when i realized i'm completely starved of physicial affection.. i never got to know what's it like to get hugs and cuddles, i even thought about hiring hookers just to make me feel loved and wanted but i know that would just make everything a hundred times worse in the long run.

i think it won't be long before i lose all my savings to drugs and alcohol again.. i already have unsuccessful suicide attempts behind me but this time it might be different.

i'm just so sad.. i don't eat properly anymore and i'm sure something's going wrong with my heart besides other health issues that im unaware of
 

CutePrincess

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sorry, i can't offer much but I do not want you feel ignored.

at first i was like drinking isn't a big deal but .. with your history.. best stay away from it...
i doono what else to say other then see a therapist
 

Trevor

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Some people just can't safely interact with the stuff. My dad is one of them and thankfully, he eventually worked that out just before I came along. Find yourself some kind of support system to help keep you away from those things that are going to ruin you. I'm sorry this is something you have to deal with.
 

Sapphyre

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it's been almost two full years since the last time i poured a glass of vodka but now i feel like doing it again 😔

a few years ago i was drinking almost every day and the only thing that made me smile was the thought that i can always just suicide to get away from everything. my family was deeply concerned for me, my mom and sister even broke down crying because they were so afraid i'll hurt myself, they tried to help but couldn't. eventually i got over it but not really.. i just kinda swept everything under the rug, convinced myself i'm okay when i actually wasn't. i learned to supress the bad feelings by distracting myself with other stuff (like being a sweet little diaper princess) but that doesn't work anymore..

it all started when i realized i'm completely starved of physicial affection.. i never got to know what's it like to get hugs and cuddles, i even thought about hiring hookers just to make me feel loved and wanted but i know that would just make everything a hundred times worse in the long run.

i think it won't be long before i lose all my savings to drugs and alcohol again.. i already have unsuccessful suicide attempts behind me but this time it might be different.

i'm just so sad.. i don't eat properly anymore and i'm sure something's going wrong with my heart besides other health issues that im unaware of
I'm going through something of an anorexic phase myself right now. My advice is not to ignore heart palpitations or etc… lots of potentially dangerous things can cause this, such as low potassium (tomato soup is loaded with potassium, as an aside, and easy to get down when you don't feel much like eating). Be careful.

If I may probe a little, when you say that you are starved of physical affection, do you mean in an intimate / sexual context particularly? I'm inferring from the background story that your family loves and wants you as a person, but perhaps just insufficiently? Not every family is particularly big on hugs or physical affection in general. And of course, it's not the same as having a partner by any stretch.

Also, if physical alcohol addiction hasn't bitten you before (or even if it has), beware. It sneaks up on you. And even if you learn how to untangle yourself from it, how to wean off safely, it's often harder the next time around. It's like the rules change, and you're ensnared more deeply and more quickly than before. What worked for weaning off last time doesn't cut it the next time…
 

Janvier

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Don’t do it MissAmy. It isn’t worth it, trust me. It might feel good for a day or two, but you’ll be right back to abject misery quicker than ever before.

Maybe take a break from ABDL for a bit, if you are overdoing it and it has lost its magic. Stopping for a bit and then restarting can bring back the good feelings.
 

TexasToast11

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I wish I could Drink like the good ole days, But I am a Type 1 diabetic
 

dogboy

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I had to stop drinking in 1985 after a life threatening bleeding ulcer incident. I quit cold turkey and never looked back. I too suffer from depression and now from grief, loss and loneliness. I know that if I want to kill myself, all I have to do is drink a glass of rum, something I used to do all the time when I was young. It was a way to escape my demons and zone out, but I now make myself find positive ways to keep myself active and involved.

I'm still lonely and I grieve the loss of my wife every day, sometimes many times a day, but life goes on. We are meant to live through it so I do. I see my psychologist every week and that seems to help. I hope you are seeking professional help as well because there's nothing any of us can do to really help you. That must come from you. I realized that in myself after a year of being miserable after the death of my wife. I grew tired of the sorrow. That's really hard to live with and it was then that I realized something had to change. I didn't want to hurt my children any more than they had had ready been hurt and damaged by the loss of their mother. I had to heal in order to help them heal. I hope you can do that too because your family loves you and needs you in their lives.
 

KooshyBoy

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Don't know if you've ever been to AA or any other fellowship but that's what saves my life on a regular basis. I'm 14 years clean and sober. It's not possible on your own but there's plenty of people out there that can help.
 

Fireband

The musical wounder of ADISC!
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MissAmy,
I know the lonely feelings and wanting to turn to the bottle well. I wasn't even 21 when I tried to drink myself to the grave in a suicide attempt. The bottle used to feel like a friend, but it is NOT your friend. It is a manipulative foe, that will unravel your life til there is barely anything left. My birth family drank themselves to death or close to it, and I've lost two friends to the blasted stuff. Both died way too young.

As for the affection part, I also understand. I get a ton of it from my family, but that can't substitute for the affection of a partner. My dearly departed girlfriend died around this time last year, and I can't find some to click with. Sometimes I just play the saddest songs on my guitar until I'm tired enough to sleep at night. Even though I have good times, and some fantastic guy friends who are a ball to be with...I can relate to the yearning for a partner to love.

Just hang in there! Find a passion: music, computers, just anything to find some fulfillment. I'd be dead if it wasn't for music. A passionate hobby can be life saving. I do hope you find someone to love, who embraces you for who you are. Hookers don't work. I have several buddies who can speak on that behalf.

NO MATTER WHAT! Do what makes you happy. Be yourself. I hid my self behind masks for so long, I'm still getting to know my true self. Things will get better. I am here if you need me. Message me if you ever feel like downing a bottle, or killing yourself. I know those feelings and how strong they are. You are stronger. Those feelings are cowards. They prey on the weak and vulnerable like hyenas. Things will get better...just believe!!!
 

Pickullz

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Hey man, I know the feeling. A little over a year ago I was drinking a bottle of wine a night for three nights a week. I just had to stop eventually because of a medication change and now I can't handle my liquor anymore but believe me, there are days when I want to go out and buy a bottle of wine and just tune out for awhile. I drank three bottles of wine a week for two years straight. I stopped rather suddenly but I was aided by medication. Anyway, I've been sober for about a year now. Just don't give in to the temptation. I know how alluring it is but it's not worth it.
 

MissAmy

little diaper princess
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i went back to smoking weed which does make me feel better but i can't keep this up for long.. i just don't have that kinda money and my dealer isn't around anymore so i can't even get anything good.

i'm trying to re-learn piano but i can't practice very effectively if i don't smoke a fat joint before the session. i thought about doing other stuff to keep my mind busy but there's always something to discourage me from it
 

TexasToast11

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Please don't go back to drinking it's not worth it at all. I did a lot of stupid shit, I mean VERY stupid shit like driving home on a crotch rocket just piss drunk wearing nothing but a sleeveless shirt, camo shorts, camo crocs and racing a train listening to Iron Maiden. Like I said VERY stupid shit.
 

PapaBear001

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I know exactly how you feel. I am in my mid 40s and I haven't felt real compasionate affection since high school. For the longest time I felt I would never have a "Normal" relationship so I remained celibate dealing with what I thought at the time as my own unique perversion that no one else could possibly understand. Isolated and in dispare I found escape in drink, weed, cocaine, and LSD. The LSD was a lot of fun but it also brought forward many memories that I would have rather left forgotten. In the short term, it dulled the pain for a few hours but the problems are still there. Long term, I'm fucked. Figuratively of course. I'm still lonely and still having issues approaching women I am attracted to.

I do not recommend drink as a form of escape. Heavy drinking will cause physical problem that are worse than depression. I smoke a lot of weed. It is legal where I live so getting a permit based on my other medical conditions was easy but took some time.

My heart goes out to you as a kindred lonely sole trying to find our way. 😐
 
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