I feel bad that I feel bad

HappyPixels

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Just found out from a fellow trans buddy of mine that another trans friend of ours just got top surgery. I'm happy for him but I also feel like crap. Every trans person I know is getting surgeries, taking hormones, changing their genders on official papers...

And here I am doing none of that because I can't afford it. I don't even have the money for more than one pair of shoes, a boob job is definitely not in the cards for me. Now I'm in this weird mind space where I'm happy for my friends but I also want to curl up and cry because they have what I most likely never will. Then, of course, that makes me feel terrible. I'm upset over my friends getting things they want more than anything! I feel like such garbage.

I just wanna eat junk food, curl up into a ball, and watch cartoons. Can't afford junk food, though, so I think I'll play video games instead. I downloaded some in Japanese to help with my studies. Learning a language by beating up rattatas sounds fun to me. Maybe it'll be a nice distraction from the crippling dysphoria.
 
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SparkyDog

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What is the price of such surgery? Top & Bottom
A friend of mine here got top and paid 13 grand but could have stayed on long waiting list for covered surgery. Bottom surgery was covered no option to pay (except flight to different province)
3yr wait to finally get surgery
 
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CheekyCharlie

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HappyPixels said:
Just found out from a fellow trans buddy of mine that another trans friend of ours just got top surgery. I'm happy for him but I also feel like crap. Every trans person I know is getting surgeries, taking hormones, changing their genders on official papers...

And here I am doing none of that because I can't afford it. I don't even have the money for more than one pair of shoes, a boob job is definitely not in the cards for me. Now I'm in this weird mind space where I'm happy for my friends but I also want to curl up and cry because they have what I most likely never will. Then, of course, that makes me feel terrible. I'm upset over my friends getting things they want more than anything! I feel like such garbage.

I just wanna eat junk food, curl up into a ball, and watch cartoons. Can't afford junk food, though, so I think I'll play video games instead. I downloaded some in Japanese to help with my studies. Learning a language by beating up rattatas sounds fun to me. Maybe it'll be a nice distraction from the crippling dysphoria.
I know it doesn't help, but I'm studying Japanese too. Maybe we can study together sometime.

I'm sorry things seem so bleak... But can you friends help you find resources to get the medical help with your transitioning that you need? Maybe they don't know you're struggling? Especially with the wave of so many affirming they don't want or need hormones or surgeries to be considered trans.
 
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LePew

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Gender affirming surgeries are covered by some insurance companies fyi. It’s covered by the plan that I and my wife are on.
 
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Davvyboy

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HappyPixels said:
Just found out from a fellow trans buddy of mine that another trans friend of ours just got top surgery. I'm happy for him but I also feel like crap. Every trans person I know is getting surgeries, taking hormones, changing their genders on official papers...

And here I am doing none of that because I can't afford it. I don't even have the money for more than one pair of shoes, a boob job is definitely not in the cards for me. Now I'm in this weird mind space where I'm happy for my friends but I also want to curl up and cry because they have what I most likely never will. Then, of course, that makes me feel terrible. I'm upset over my friends getting things they want more than anything! I feel like such garbage.

I just wanna eat junk food, curl up into a ball, and watch cartoons. Can't afford junk food, though, so I think I'll play video games instead. I downloaded some in Japanese to help with my studies. Learning a language by beating up rattatas sounds fun to me. Maybe it'll be a nice distraction from the crippling dysphoria.
Don’t despair, you financial circumstances will change in the future and you we be able to follow suit with your friends.
 
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JaysonTheRegressor

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My insurance covered my top surgery and also covers most of my testosterone (I think there's a $20 copay) but
I remember when I was in your place and my trans friends were getting their top surgery and hormones and i was jealous
In due time though, even as you feel dysphoric it's still important to remember that you ARE indeed the gender you have discovered yourself to be and not the one at birth
 
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littleph0enix

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Cant talk to much about surgery since I have not looked in to it fully myself (though I do have friends that are living this), all I wanted to say is dont feel terrible or upset or even like garbage about your own wants in life since that is the kind of stuff that keeps us going forward.

There is by no means anything wrong with feeling down when you see others get what they want, in the end you are not wishing that if you cant have it that they should not too so dont go putting your self down over things going well for others.

Be happy for them so that they can be happy for you when things start to go your way, life is all about the give or takes and it is to short to spend putting your self down over something that means a lot to someone you know. (even if it makes life that much harder for your self)


Off note learning Japanese is pretty cool, how far do you intend to go? since there is Japanese and there is like being able to read and write on all levels.
 
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HappyPixels

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SparkyDog said:
What is the price of such surgery? Top & Bottom
A friend of mine here got top and paid 13 grand but could have stayed on long waiting list for covered surgery. Bottom surgery was covered no option to pay (except flight to different province)
3yr wait to finally get surgery

In South African money, top surgery is typically at least a hundred thousand. I make two thousand a month. It would take several years of me not spending any of my money to afford top surgery. Sadly, I can't do that because my dumb body needs things like food and there's rent to be paid, too.
Girlowl said:
I know it doesn't help, but I'm studying Japanese too. Maybe we can study together sometime.

I'm sorry things seem so bleak... But can you friends help you find resources to get the medical help with your transitioning that you need? Maybe they don't know you're struggling? Especially with the wave of so many affirming they don't want or need hormones or surgeries to be considered trans.

Most of my trans friends are broke too and we're always looking for cheap and free resources but there isn't that much in our country, let alone city. We're just not quite there yet when it comes to trans rights and such. They know I'm struggling a lot and, honestly, I feel like I complain too much about it and that brings up a whole other can of insecurities. And I would love to have someone to talk about Japanese stuff. I'm super awkward and I've been finding it hard to find study buddies.
LePew said:
Gender affirming surgeries are covered by some insurance companies fyi. It’s covered by the plan that I and my wife are on.

Sadly, I can't afford insurance and I'm not sure how much would be covered if I did. I once knew a woman who got a part of her hormones paid for but she really had to fight for it.
 

HappyPixels

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Davvyboy said:
Don’t despair, you financial circumstances will change in the future and you we be able to follow suit with your friends.

JaysonTheRegressor said:
My insurance covered my top surgery and also covers most of my testosterone (I think there's a $20 copay) but
I remember when I was in your place and my trans friends were getting their top surgery and hormones and i was jealous
In due time though, even as you feel dysphoric it's still important to remember that you ARE indeed the gender you have discovered yourself to be and not the one at birth

littleph0enix said:
Cant talk to much about surgery since I have not looked in to it fully myself (though I do have friends that are living this), all I wanted to say is dont feel terrible or upset or even like garbage about your own wants in life since that is the kind of stuff that keeps us going forward.

There is by no means anything wrong with feeling down when you see others get what they want, in the end you are not wishing that if you cant have it that they should not too so dont go putting your self down over things going well for others.

Be happy for them so that they can be happy for you when things start to go your way, life is all about the give or takes and it is to short to spend putting your self down over something that means a lot to someone you know. (even if it makes life that much harder for your self)

Thanks, you guys. My head just gets weird and goes to the worst possible place sometimes. I need to learn to be more positive.

littleph0enix said:
Off note learning Japanese is pretty cool, how far do you intend to go? since there is Japanese and there is like being able to read and write on all levels.

I'm hoping I'll one day be fluent. I want to read, write, and speak it.
 
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Kittyinpink

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HappyPixels said:
Just found out from a fellow trans buddy of mine that another trans friend of ours just got top surgery. I'm happy for him but I also feel like crap. Every trans person I know is getting surgeries, taking hormones, changing their genders on official papers...

And here I am doing none of that because I can't afford it. I don't even have the money for more than one pair of shoes, a boob job is definitely not in the cards for me. Now I'm in this weird mind space where I'm happy for my friends but I also want to curl up and cry because they have what I most likely never will. Then, of course, that makes me feel terrible. I'm upset over my friends getting things they want more than anything! I feel like such garbage.

I just wanna eat junk food, curl up into a ball, and watch cartoons. Can't afford junk food, though, so I think I'll play video games instead. I downloaded some in Japanese to help with my studies. Learning a language by beating up rattatas sounds fun to me. Maybe it'll be a nice distraction from the crippling dysphoria.
I'm sorry you're feeling down about it at the moment. May I ask your age ?
Only because I started hormones late compared to others , and I am very happy 😊. I have the money now , but only because I'm older and saved up . You will get there ! One small step at a time.
 

CheekyCharlie

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HappyPixels said:
Thanks, you guys. My head just gets weird and goes to the worst possible place sometimes. I need to learn to be more positive.



I'm hoping I'll one day be fluent. I want to read, write, and speak it.
Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed your location.

Well, no need to feel awkward with me. This is an open invitation to practice and learn 日本語 together ☺️. We can keep each other motivated. Not sure how far along you are. I'm still extremely beginner hehe, but I also want to become fluent one day. By one year I'd like to be able to understand and speak a few unscripted phrases
 
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