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How to get a Girlfriend despite AB/DL.

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LuvsGurl

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Ok, It has come to my attention far too often that there are a number of people on here that use their ab/bl as the #1 reason they do not have a significant other. I have so say that this is sad, and aggravating all at the same time.

One must understand that I am not a true AB/DL, but mealy a girlfriend of someone that is. I am in the world because I see that it is part of his life, and it makes him happy. So in that I am happy to be part of the world as well, though there are times a diaper is handy don’t get me wrong.

But you see that is just it, you should not be trying to find people in spite of your lifestyle. Sure count yourself luck if you find someone that is already within the world. But only in the same way a person would if they had any other “hobby” in common.

There are a few trick I would like to put out there to anyone that is willing to hear what it is that we are looking for and what makes us willing to learn about something we never considered as part of our life.

A. Be a nice person Simple in theory, but I find this is not all that common a practice.
B. Be a good friend. Is a person dose not want to be friends with you, there is little chase for more. Besides just because the person you are friends with is not someone you like, they may have friends also, and these details of you personality get passed on.
C. Take chances. You never know if the person you like is going to turn you down until you try.
D. Always treat the other person like they are important to you, do not forget birthdays, and the like. But also DO THINGS BECAUSE IT IS TUESDAY.
E. Listen. This is a relationship, they take work, and patience. You have to see what it is that the other person needs and feels.

F. Do not Force the issue of AB/DLism. Many people will have some issue with it at first, but keep in mind that if it is the ender of the relationship, the foundation was not their to start with. If the couple is strong enough and issue like this can be resolved. Think of it as trial by fire, if they love you, they will be willing to try to understand. Though you must also understand that there are going to be steps for them to acceptance. They may or may not make it all the way up the latter, but understanding is the key, without it there is no chance for love.

Now understand that very little of this had to do with you lifestyle. Unless you attraction of people is based on the ab/dl portion you are still only looking for someone to love, so do that. Work out the details as you go along. The key is believe in yourself.

If there is anything else that someone would like to add or questions about this please let me know. But understand I am mealy putting a girls point of view on things, along with an “outsiders” point of view.
 

ForeverSmall

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Good Point!
It seems like looking for another ab is silly. Rejection is not really what I worry about. Maybye for DLs but not so much ABs. Since I am an AB I am afraid I am too much of a burrden. Lets face it a high school girl probably does not want thier boyfriend falling apart like a toddler every time they get upset.
 

LuvsGurl

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You never realy know. The thing about it is, if she loves you enough that you should stay togeather them she would be more then willing to understand, purhaps even "play along". They that is how I got into all this right?
 

PostTenebrasLux

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Having the female point of view is very valuable for a number of us on ADISC, I'd expect. Certainly valuable for me, at the least, so thank you for posting your thoughts and advice.

I think your recommendations look good--it's reassuring to me because those recommendations look pretty do-able (for the most part). A, B, D, and E are fairly straightforward. I not only believe in their importance, but I'm also confident I can be that way for someone. C is something I'd have to work on, but is not unrealistic for me.

What I would struggle with the most would be advancing the level of intimacy shared at a rate acceptable to whatever girl I might be with. I'm not comfortable pushing the boundaries; I have trouble knowing when its time for me to 'initiate' something. By default, I have this feeling that it's not OK to ask a friend out--she doesn't want me to do so, or that it's not OK to [anything else]. That leaves me with a civil nod, maybe a professional handshake, and some harmless remark about the weather. Then back to my cave. This...reluctance (for lack of a manlier term) on my part is what keeps me a few miles away from a meaningful romantic relationship.

I certainly have no great desire to bring AB/DLism into a relationship right off the bat, let alone talk to someone about it in real life. It would seem too awkward. However, I'd feel that awkwardness for just about any 'romantic' aspect of a relationship. I know liquor can get rid of that (multiple personal experiences...), but cannot support such behavior in meaningful relationships.

I should probably cease the whining though...I'm typically attracted to the kind of girl who is somewhat more outgoing and who also happens to be a legitimately weird individual. Broadly speaking, that's a good match for me.

Any advice on how best to pace the progress of a relationship? Hopefully something beyond "it depends on the girl/guy involved"... (Possibly a tall order--I'm certainly stumped.)

Good Point!
It seems like looking for another ab is silly. Rejection is not really what I worry about. Maybye for DLs but not so much ABs. Since I am an AB I am afraid I am too much of a burrden. Lets face it a high school girl probably does not want thier boyfriend falling apart like a toddler every time they get upset.
My understanding is that it's give and take. Watch the Simpsons much? There's lots of take there. Same thing in Family Guy. I should think of better examples...

The qualitative aspects of what we 'take' from a relationship probably don't have to match the aspects of what we 'give' to a relationship; the behaviors involved in taking and giving will vary widely. Seems like what's more important is that she feels like she's important to you, and that you demonstrate that fact through regular selfless behaviors on her behalf.

That's my over simplified take. It's something I keep in mind, even for platonic relationships.
 
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daria7483

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Great post, and one thing I wanted to add: ever noticed how nearly every "I told my boyfriend/girlfriend/friend" post on here has a positive outcome? That's a good sign. I really think people tend to be more accepting of this than we assume.
 

LuvsGurl

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Great post, and one thing I wanted to add: ever noticed how nearly every "I told my boyfriend/girlfriend/friend" post on here has a positive outcome? That's a good sign. I really think people tend to be more accepting of this than we assume.
That is mostly the way of things, if the relationship has any chance of lasting before the ab/dl aspect popped up.

As for advice on when go from step to step I would say that it is up to you, though in all honesty you should talk with DF about that. After all I can only give from my point of view.

Also on the give and take aspect one can have a lopsided relationship for only so long before the other person starts to feel the straine. Though keep in mind there are things thatcan be given that are very little for you to give, but will mean a lot.

Ideas: flowers/gifts on days that are not even "special", chosing their movie over yours once and a while (not a compramise title eaither ex. you want slasher, she wants bleading hearts, you get comedy), take her dancing, go to an event with her, take a walk in the park. And once and a while through her a bone in the sex department if you always play diaper games(for ages 18+).
All of these will still let you live your life as you feel most comphy, and yet she will feel cared for. :educate:
 

Raccoon

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I think we should keep this thread to *b/dl-related "how to find a so (significant other)" rather than how to find a so in general.

That said, GIVE UP ON FINDING A FELLOW AB - it might happen but it is rare. Especially for a guy looking for a girl. This is one scene where there are advantages to being gay, either sex. Look for an accepting, open-minded person, maybe who has their own kink; they might not get yours but they will respect it. Be willing to pedicure and massage their feet in return for changing your diaper. Be willing to wear the lumberjack or policeman outfit; I am.

Look into the bdsm community, but bear in mind that these will be folks with habits and standards that may surprise you: like guys with a wife who also has several male subs (with whom they play but do not have sex. Or maybe they do.) If you enter that community tread carefully and do all the research you can. Just because you are a nice person with a kink, not all other kinky people are nice or trustworthy. Remember that just because someone is similarly kinky DOES NOT mean you will be compatible in any other way.

If you are religious, then try any church/fellowship that is gay-friendly; I recommend the Unitarians, but there are others, including ones outside the Christian community. Buddhists tend to be easy-going more than others, in my own experience.

If you can talk to someone openly about other things then you should be able to talk about your fetish. Above all, if you are going to be in a PERMANENT relationship you should not aim to keep this a secret, that is unfair to you both. Lastly, an so may accept that you have a fetish but may wish not to join in; be prepared for that; this does not mean the relationship won't work.

And yes - the feminine perspective is very important and much appreciated. Thanx gals!!
 
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LuvsGurl

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I agree with Racoon, though also point out that you should start with the relationship portion, and slowly work your way into the fetish protion. If you were to jump out of a car screaming I like to soil myself, this may shock people befor they get to know you (yes I use an extreamism). Though for many people when this is brought to their attention out of the blue you may as well have done so.

You should let the person get to know you, that is what dating is all about. Do not hide the information or lie about it in any way. If the conversation comes up, be truthful, you will find that most people do not know that this portion of life exists. So you just have to be tactfull in the way that you bring the converstaion around, but it will have to be brought up. Darkfinn has pointed out to me many times that a person should always wait till they know the relationship to be longlasting, but at that point you will have to offer the information.
 

dogboy

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I dated with the DL part of me kept as the deepest darkest secret that I had. Of course this was before the internet, which meant that there wasn't the kind of flow of information that there is now. With information, there is a greater chance for acceptance. There were and are many other quirks and flaws to my personality, and those I revealed to my future wife, which she accepted. I tried to keep the DL part of my life buried as we started our married lives together, and started our families. Eventually it resurfaced and I was able to act on it on my day off, which did no coincide with hers. Eventually she found out and was very accepting of it as well. We are a free thinking product of the late 60's, so I suppose it's not that shocking.

That said, I believe Luv'sGurl has hit the nail right on the head. People can be more accepting than first imagined. What's primarily important is the relationship. Mine and my wife's was based on love, respect for one another, and shared goals. We had a lot in common, we enjoyed music, the outdoors, the water and fishing. In other words, we enjoyed being part of the world.

Sexually, I suppose I was sought after by a number of people, but like many people on this site, I was shy, and assumed most people wouldn't be interested in me. That wasn't really so. Never the less, I was more concerned about who the other person was as a whole person, not just how they looked. Everyone ages and loses their appeal; then you are left with the real person. Most of us are those real people that have a capability to love and care for someone else. That's why LovsGurl's suggestions for dating are so good. If you are a good person, caring about others, kind and thoughtful, you will be sought out as well.
 

WildThing121675

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Sounds very good, and it is what needs to be done with a relationship. I have promised myself that if I was ever in another relationship I would do things differently than I had done the last relationship, which was not an ABDL thing. I had told her about it, but she was a bit weirded by it.

Luvsgirl, good post.

WildThing121675
 
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I definitely agree with the main point of this thread. Being yourself and allowing your significant other to understand you before "putting it all out there" is IMO the best way to do things. Building a comfortable and strong relationship with her/him is key before actually discussing such topics that may cover *BDLism. Some people i've noticed take the more serious route in admitting this to their SO by playing out the whole "We have to talk" scenario and then just spillin' the beans on everything. Personally, if I dated someone for a certain period of time and out of nowhere the relationship takes an absurdly serious shift in mood just to talk about something that may not originally seem *too* serious, I would be somewhat at odds with it :s

My suggestion is this: Build a relationship, get to know one-another, ect, ect, bring up the topic in casual conversation, see what your SO might be into or hold back as a secret and if its interesting enough to connect with *bdlism, then do so :D Bring up the desire to enjoy acting younger at times to relieve stress or whatever (tb/ab's obviously) and for dl's, I would suggest maybe "playing a game" with it. If in some magical way, you manage to make the SO to agree to wear a diaper, reward the action with praise. Telling them it's actually "pretty cute how they look with the diaper on" or something along those lines. Obviously when in a relationship, the person is happy when they see YOU happy :) In the end though, I stick with my beliefs that if you implicate a conversation to push out this topic, and you manage to explain about it without making it seem SOo extreme as others may put it, then who knows, you may have gotten your gf/bf to accept you AND made a new *bdl partner^^ Good luck
 

LuvsGurl

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I would say that the idea of keeping the "revalation" casual is a good thing, but there are few things that I know I would have taken affinse to when it was brought to me. I would have seen right away that the "playing of a game, and rewarding" was much like training a dog. I am sorry but the point is not to change then, any more then it is for you to change. If they deside to join the world it must be in their own time, and way.
I think the thing that made it easy for me, and others I have spoken with is when the person is honest, and says that they would like to see the SO wear or join in, but never flat out ask them.
When they are ready, if they are ready they will do things to "please you", and purhaps find things about it they like themselves.

Otherwise you are mearly being the one that will not accept, by not accepting them as needing time. If you do not wish them to try and change you, make shore that you resipricate that respect.
 

Darkfinn

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So... I can change you... just so long as I don't try to change you. In essence? LOL
 

LuvsGurl

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So... I can change you... just so long as I don't try to change you. In essence? LOL
:educate: in all acutality you are mearly changing my diaper, to change me is somthing that will take a bit more doing. Besides you know you love me as I am, otherwise life is dull.:biggrin:
 

ShippoFox

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It's all a LOT easier said than done though. Especially for someone that just isn't so great socially in the first place and hates rejection. I'm not really even looking for another AB/DL (though I would certainly consider it)... just someone that would be interested in it a bit. I'm also afraid that I'd not be a very good "male role" in a relationship. I mean.... well, I dunno how to explain it. I'm just not a very manly macho man. Don't get me wrong, I am a guy after all, so I'm not completely feminine. I do like some guy stuff. I just wish it was acceptable to wear dresses and be cute, so I want to be with someone that's gonna be okay with that around the house.

And I'm not sure about raising children. It would be an amazing thing, but I'm just not so sure about it. But that's not usually something that comes up right away in a relationship, as far as I know. That's not til way later. Still an issue that would come up though, plus it has the potential to be a relationship destroyer! And then there's the whole "dating" thing. I don't want to have to date 239301038 different people! And I've never really even been on a date before, so maybe I'm doomed already, but I hope not. It's just kinda hard also seeing so many people around me never finding a "forever" relationship. :(
 

Raccoon

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And of course things can be introduced gradually... If you can get her happily cooperating in experinenting with costumes and roleplay in general, with her having as much to do with choosing the play, you can go from pigtails to school uniform to various underthings to your specific preference... and say "Hey, I liked that, let's do it again..." You might even be less nervous with a kink not quite your thing and not get flustered... If she likes surprises (every other Friday you have a new costume from pirate-captured maiden to stern schoolmarm with a cane, to innocent village girl) she won't be surprised when diapers come out; she may discover some things she likes too. Remember she is your cooperative partner, not your servant.
 
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