Well, OK, I'm calmer now (Blue Rasberry vodka kinda SOUNDS awful, but actually it's kinda on-point, and for a heavy-set, honestly sinister looking dude who has permanent RBF until I remind myself otherwise I freakin' DIG what I call "Girly-drinks," a taste which I've exploited for the sake of gap-trolling on more than one occasion.) Eh, still can't get into the cause of my frustration but... if there were a button in front of me which would cause the destruction of the entire universe if pushed, I wouldn't use it, which is an improvement over yesterday.
Eh, let's just say I have something like 6 or 7 psychiatric diagnoses, but the ones I put the most stock in are ADHD, Bipolar II, and (this one is actually not officially a diagnoses, but it fits 10x better than ASD like my therapist once suggested, though the symptoms tend to manifest similarly) NVLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder). I was diagnosed with ADHD... way too late to prevent MAJOR emotional damage, but that was it. Basically that meant I went from being considered a lazy, worthless disappointment to everyone in my life to, when academic issues continued (parents demanded perfection in academics and behavior and when that didn't happen, their typical strategy was to double down) to a lazy, worthless disappointment WITH NO EXCUSES. Having my peers like me a lot better did help, but that also led me to the wonderful world of substance abuse, which eventually became a career path (the business aspect of it.) Even peer interactions, though, were... well, while I was no longer extremely irritating to my peers, I was (still am) a bit visibly... odd. Actually I used a combination of this and the correct application of violence regarding "Work" to create an image that somehow manages to be likable and terrifying at once when I got older, but this isnt the place to discuss that. My very distinct differences, particularly
the frankly GROTESQUE difference between my verbal intelligence and... well, everything else, made me a source of frustration for everyone and eventually I got a GED.
I went to college, fucked that up (twice) and my experience in the job market has been pretty much awful. I TRY to be a good employee, but really I'm... manually challenged and need directions to be VERY SPECIFIC. For the record, this is because (my theory anyway) most every set of instructions has more than one possible solution, and neurotypical brains are generally equipped witha sort of automatic Occam's Razor to trim the possibilities and come up with the most likely solution. That's just one of many little automatic executive functions which I lack, and for which I'd like to cut god's throat with a rusted piece of sheet metal. Well, anyway, many of you know what entry-level jobs are like? Quick instructions are given and quick follow-up is expected. Combine that with poor fine-motor coordination and a not-great working memory and... well, I've lasted at ONE job. Every other job has been... let's just say if I already had an unstable ego-formation to begin with, coming across verbally as brilliant then seeming like an utter dumbfuck over... and over... and over again has led to... well, I don't even know what to call it. Let's just say that while I was basically trained by an awful school life to accept humiliation in a work setting, the last person who tried to take me down a peg for no reason (and yes, I can very easily tell between ball-breaking and genuine bullying) in a social/"other-work" setting suddenly had to take a trip to the hospital. Let's just say my poor coordination is why he got off with some odd scars and only had to wear bandages over his eye for awhile. Well, he probably had to take antibiotics, too, and excessive prescription of those IS apparently leading to... damn. I always fucking do that. The digressions. My point is, if I'm in a non-hierarchical setting in which dominance is important, I don't seek to challenge others, but I handle humiliation very thoroughly and the fact that I'm not strong, or fast, or coordinated just means I have to do something utterly horrifying (or in this case attempt to and come close) when bullied without provocation. The fact that there's always THAT ONE (and honestly if they're just being an ass I'll tolerate it generally, but as soon as they try to deliberately humiliate me there's basically nothing I WON'T do to them, but with things like time contraints I just do the best I can and emphasize pain and shock value) interests me. You'd think they'd grow out of it eventually. I fail to see the appeal.
Well, my point is, I'm well aware that that unless I switch up the nature of my "Self-Employment" and maybe do a little work on my personality too I'll end up dead or in prison before I'm 40. Sooo... ech, self-acceptance, whateverthefuck. My monumental lack of self-compassion kinda complicates things, though. So does the fact that I have absolutely nothing to be proud of (and before anyone even mentions the words "Articulate" or "Insightful" let me say two things: #1- Praising me for those is like praising an average 30 year old male for being able to eat, breathe, or take a fucking shit, and out of courtesy for the bowel IC folks, I mean a bowel movement regardless of its locale.) I know you mean well, but it's tiresome and for some reason it feels slightly insulting. #2- Neither of those things gets me a job or a place in society or an end to this BAKING SELF-HATRED I CAN'T MAKE STOP) and really feel like I don't deserve to exist. But I'd rather not just go quietly into the dark.
As for relationships, essentially I learned long ago that requited love was For Other People. I'll admit it; that one hurts a LOT. Basically, I was the always-rejected one back in school (and no, I don't blame them; please don't get me twisted for one of those pathetic incel fucksticks who think that women "Owe" them sex or affection. Shit like that's gotta be voluntary by it's very nature or it's just a form of slavery) and on top of that, having a fetish like THIS mixed in with a fragile ego means I came to grips with the fact that nobody would ever love me quite awhile ago, and though I do occasionally kick around the theoretical CONCEPT, I keep that shit in my head where it can't hurt me or inconvenience anyone else. I could never discuss this... kink with anyone I didn't already know was involved, because even if they were nice, I'd just SEE that sliver of contempt forming in their mind, and it'd bother me basically forevermore because yeah, I KNOW that's psychotic thinking, but I CAN'T STOP IT. I do have some sexual experience, but it's mostly to keep up appearances. I've never had a sexual encounter that was mutually enjoyable, and tend in all honesty to be pretty formulaic in my approach (they get theirs first 'cause manners, I get mine, I leave because for some reason sleeping in the same bed with someone feels... wrong to me; dangerous somehow.) I would however like to note I've never led anyone on and firmly believe in the importance of safe sex. I'm not an utter barbarian, and disease or god forbid reproduction are... well, let's just say now isn't the time for either.
So, yeah, I'm sad, lonely, pretty damn crazy (no pretty about it if we're being honest), hateful and I've got an evil streak too. Wanna know the fucked up thing? Ya met me on the street, you probably wouldn't notice. My posture is awful and I'm practically allergic to direct eye-contact, but other than that, I present pretty normally. People tend to like me. I respect people's boundaries (honestly the assumption that neurodiverse individuals are an automatically boundary invading Mongol horde is a fucking awful stereotype and I'd frankly like to find its originator and feed him his own chitlins; to clarify: MANY OF US JUST DON'T AUTOMATICALLY SENSE THEIR LOCATION IN THE SAME MANNER AS NTs, AND THIS IS EXACERBATED BY THE FACT THAT OUT OWN BOUNDARIES, WHICH WORK FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENTLY, ARE OFTEN VIOLATED AS A MATTER OF COURSE AS PART AND PARCEL OF EXISTING IN A SOCIETY DESIGNED BY AND FOR NTs. IF YALL CLARIFIED THAT SHIT, THIS WOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM) (I compensate for this issue by making sure that my own boundaries are... pretty thick, and I tend to come across as emotionally distant, though occasionally I overshare if it's with someone I... Trust isn't the word... someone I find intellectually interesting who has no reason I can see to do me harm.) Basically I pass well, but anyone who looks at the course of my life will see nothing but a POS. Honestly the ones I... find the most uncomfortable are the honest, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth types who think Executive Functions are what Jeff Bezos does in the crapper and seem to not only find my very existence offensive, but believe that it's their god-given right, nay- their duty! to put me in my place. That's because I FUCKING KNOW. Even worse, I can't bring myself to hurt folks like that. I can't even hate 'em somehow.
So there you have it, the story of an awful human being. Oh, and before anyone tells me to stop making excuses, I freely acknowledge that I made MANY bad decisions in life and am entirely responsible for all of them. STILL wanna tell me to stop making excuses? Well, in the next life I hope your circumstances are similar to mine and you do better, because I already know how awful I am, you arrogant fucking shitheel.
Have a Nice Day
(For the record, I REALLY hope nobody I know reads this. I TRIED not to be specific, but I know my writing style is... kinda distinctive)
