Help? I Now Have a Hate/Hate relationship With My Little Side and Don't Understand Why

BordieButt

Contributor
Messages
2
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Babyfur
  3. Diaperfur
  4. Sissy
  5. Little
  6. Incontinent
Shocking title I know, but let me explain


First things first backstory: My childhood was fucked.


My parents split when I was 3, my dad was a crackhead who would steal anything not nailed down for a fix including my toys, and he would spend his weekends watching me getting high in the bathroom.
When I was ten he married his rehab nurse and basically kicked me out of his life because she didn't like me, I didn't see him again till I was a teenager.


My mother had an abusive aunt who raised her, and this caused my mother to be very bi polar, when I was younger everything was fine, and most of her bs was directed towards my older sister.


I spent most my childhood in and out of nursing homes because my granddad didn't take care of himself and had a diabetic stroke that rendered him unable to care for himself. Most days I'd get off school go straight to the nursing home and spend the rest of my day there playing by myself, or talking to the nurses since my mother was focused on her father.
He died when I was 12 and my niece was born shortly after


The next year of my life was a combination of my mother taking her grief out on me, and ignoring my needs to help my sister.
I was basically spending every day at my sister's place for the next 2 years.
Because of this I had no social skills and no friends, my mother wouldn't let me go to other kids houses because she said their parents where pedos, and they couldn't come to mind because my mother was always too busy.
Kids saw me as an outcast because I had a visual disability, and I had no friends to help me. I was constantly getting bullied and in fights, and grew very depressed.


At age 13 I discovered ABDL and the furry fandom, this would become my escape for the next few years of my life.


My home situation got much worse, as my sister had to move back home due to a cheating husband, who she then remarried and he cheated again.
My sister and mother often ganged up on me, and I would often do my best to shield my niece from their abuse leading to me getting double.


At age 15 every came to a head, my grade went from mostly As to Cs at best, I told my mother about how depressed I was and about how the only thing keeping me going was the furry stuff, I made sure to leave the ABDL stuff, out of the conversation.
My mother ignored me, until a fight a few weeks later where she decided to Google furries and basically forced me Into an intervention style meeting where she chastised me, and beat me with a coat hanger if I tried to speak against her or leave.
She took my computer and this is where our fights got extremely bad, they where often physical with her getting in my face or physically harming me


In this time my father's mother contacted me and we began to try and rebuild a relationship.
After a terrible fight with my mother where I ran away and got hunted down by my uncle and then beat by my mother, I told the school advisor what was going on.


My mother lied about what had been going on and I was sent to the run away shelter in my town.


My father's mother came the next day and filed for custody, and she got it, but only temporary.
I lived with her for a few months when I began to have accidents, although my little side didn't mind as much, the teenage side of my brain freaked out, and my grandmother was supportive at first, helping my get protection and taking me to the hospital to get checked out.


My mother and grandmother at this point began a legal battle to try and get revenge against one another using me as the leverage.
My mother gave my laptop over to the cops who found my ABDL and furry accounts, and combined with my incontinence issues it was ruled that I needed therapy.
I went to it, and during that time I refused to see my mother over what she had done, and this caused me to fail their program.


My incontinence issues stopped for a while


However my mother and grandmother decided to have me committed in a child mental health facility.
This place looked like something out of a horror movie, and violated so many human rights that it's currently go hundreds of lawsuits against it from former residents.


They constantly tried to talk about my ABDL and furry side, but I refused, they never helped with the depression, and gave me a false diagnosis of bi polar based on what my mother had reported and my refusal to cooperate.I spent three months in there and almost had to spend more, but did finally get to go home to my grandmother's house.


I had to do more outpatient therapy, my incontinence issues also returned so was constantly going to the doctor to try and figure it out.
I had to move schools but found a great friend group and stuff was looking up.


Then my grandmother got child support from my mother, and stopped caring about me, she would often berate me for my issues, let my father steal from me, and be verbally abusive.
This all came to a head when my father came in one night to borrow money, methed out of his mind, he tried to swing on me, it connected, I blacked out, and broke my fathers jaw, he tried to fight me further and I attempted to protect myself. My grandmother forced him to leave and me to my room.


A few days later my dog got very sick, and died. I got very depressed and suspicious so I did some digging found my grandmothers journal and discovered she had in fact killed my dog as payback for fighting with my father.
I was destroyed, I couldn't sleep my grades fell again, though thankfully only in one class, my friend's mom who is more like a proper mother to me than my own, got worried about me.


I got pulled in by the principal of my school and told her everything.


Later that day while I was in my weekly club, two CPS agents took me away, I was sent back to a high security facility as my grandmother claimed I killed my dog and that I was going to kill her.
I spend 6 months there including my 17th birthday, while there I was constantly evaluated, but eventually proven not to be criminally insane, nor bi polar, it was clear to the court that my family was messed up and I was on my way to emancipation.


During this time my mother reached out, and I gave her a second chance, I finished High School two year early while locked up, and the eventually released me into my mother's care.


My incontinence issues persisted but eventually disappeared, and as such it was chalked up to Stress Incontinence.


My mother was better now that she and I where both adults under the same roof, I kept my furry and little side to myself .
However she still brought it up constantly when angry or trying to instigate a fight, and as I lived with her the fights grew in intensity


I spent 6 years with her


I got a degree, met a great guy, almost finished a second degree (finished after I moved out), and was finally lucky enough to get a new dog.
My mother found an old paci I never used once and flipped her shit, and we constantly fought, but it was better than my childhood until I got my dog.


My dog was being service trained to help with my vision impairments, and my mother wouldn't listen and constantly set the training back .
This caused many many fights, including ones where she got physical with me or threw things at me.


I moved out and in with my boyfriend, life moved on thing where going great, my boyfriend is a great guy .
It took about a year before I truly opened up and was able to freely be little around him, and seamlessly be both my big and small side without either causing me mental anxiety.



Flash forward to early this year:


my BF and I get into a fight, and he says some hurtful stuff about how my little side stressed him out, and how it's annoying and bratty.
My BF is also an ABDL, and he didn't mean it as bad as I took it originally, but it really messed me up.
He apologized and explained and the dust settled.
(I'm not going to give full context here as it'd take an even longer post than this one to explain it all and why he is the way he is, the short answer is his own problems mean that he can have difficulties communicating in a way that people can easily understand or that can come off as abrasive because he doesn't finish his thoughts in a full or cohesive way sometimes.)


But now I can't be small at all, looking at pics of my OC or myself in little space make my anxiety levels go through the roof and I feel violently sick.


I can still look at others engaging in ABDL stuff, or their own art, but the second I imagine myself or look at art of my OC I legit feel like I'm going to puke.
I had to give my pamps to my BF to put somewhere else because them being in my closet was enough to make me unable to sleep.


Now I'm having terrible nightmares, and I'm not able to shed my stress at all.
I used ABDL as my escape so it was both kink and coping mechanism.
So now I'm stressed to all hell, and can't sleep at all as I'm waking up gasping for air, or can't stay down for more than an hour or so at a time.


I made this post looking for answers as to why this happened, or what I can maybe try to do to help myself feel better.
I don't get why I just instantly hate the thing that's kept me going for so long, or know anyone personaly whose had a purge cycle this bad with this level of anxiety.


My BF feels terrible because he thinks it's all his fault, but I don't blame him fights happen, shit gets said that folks don't mean, or in a way they don't mean, and normally it's apologies and we move on.


My best guess is that it has to do with my childhood trauma, maybe something like my BF triggering those old wounds or something .
But I truly don't know, and I'm hoping someone can shine a light on what's wrong with me.
I don't need a cure, but just some idea of why I feel this way, although I'll take any suggestions on how this might be reversed, or advise on how to get back some of what has been and still is such an important part of my life.


Thank you all in advance for anything you can give me.
 

Kittyinpink

Asexual, pre - op transgender woman
Est. Contributor
Messages
4,659
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Sissy
BordieButt said:
Shocking title I know, but let me explain


First things first backstory: My childhood was fucked.


My parents split when I was 3, my dad was a crackhead who would steal anything not nailed down for a fix including my toys, and he would spend his weekends watching me getting high in the bathroom.
When I was ten he married his rehab nurse and basically kicked me out of his life because she didn't like me, I didn't see him again till I was a teenager.


My mother had an abusive aunt who raised her, and this caused my mother to be very bi polar, when I was younger everything was fine, and most of her bs was directed towards my older sister.


I spent most my childhood in and out of nursing homes because my granddad didn't take care of himself and had a diabetic stroke that rendered him unable to care for himself. Most days I'd get off school go straight to the nursing home and spend the rest of my day there playing by myself, or talking to the nurses since my mother was focused on her father.
He died when I was 12 and my niece was born shortly after


The next year of my life was a combination of my mother taking her grief out on me, and ignoring my needs to help my sister.
I was basically spending every day at my sister's place for the next 2 years.
Because of this I had no social skills and no friends, my mother wouldn't let me go to other kids houses because she said their parents where pedos, and they couldn't come to mind because my mother was always too busy.
Kids saw me as an outcast because I had a visual disability, and I had no friends to help me. I was constantly getting bullied and in fights, and grew very depressed.


At age 13 I discovered ABDL and the furry fandom, this would become my escape for the next few years of my life.


My home situation got much worse, as my sister had to move back home due to a cheating husband, who she then remarried and he cheated again.
My sister and mother often ganged up on me, and I would often do my best to shield my niece from their abuse leading to me getting double.


At age 15 every came to a head, my grade went from mostly As to Cs at best, I told my mother about how depressed I was and about how the only thing keeping me going was the furry stuff, I made sure to leave the ABDL stuff, out of the conversation.
My mother ignored me, until a fight a few weeks later where she decided to Google furries and basically forced me Into an intervention style meeting where she chastised me, and beat me with a coat hanger if I tried to speak against her or leave.
She took my computer and this is where our fights got extremely bad, they where often physical with her getting in my face or physically harming me


In this time my father's mother contacted me and we began to try and rebuild a relationship.
After a terrible fight with my mother where I ran away and got hunted down by my uncle and then beat by my mother, I told the school advisor what was going on.


My mother lied about what had been going on and I was sent to the run away shelter in my town.


My father's mother came the next day and filed for custody, and she got it, but only temporary.
I lived with her for a few months when I began to have accidents, although my little side didn't mind as much, the teenage side of my brain freaked out, and my grandmother was supportive at first, helping my get protection and taking me to the hospital to get checked out.


My mother and grandmother at this point began a legal battle to try and get revenge against one another using me as the leverage.
My mother gave my laptop over to the cops who found my ABDL and furry accounts, and combined with my incontinence issues it was ruled that I needed therapy.
I went to it, and during that time I refused to see my mother over what she had done, and this caused me to fail their program.


My incontinence issues stopped for a while


However my mother and grandmother decided to have me committed in a child mental health facility.
This place looked like something out of a horror movie, and violated so many human rights that it's currently go hundreds of lawsuits against it from former residents.


They constantly tried to talk about my ABDL and furry side, but I refused, they never helped with the depression, and gave me a false diagnosis of bi polar based on what my mother had reported and my refusal to cooperate.I spent three months in there and almost had to spend more, but did finally get to go home to my grandmother's house.


I had to do more outpatient therapy, my incontinence issues also returned so was constantly going to the doctor to try and figure it out.
I had to move schools but found a great friend group and stuff was looking up.


Then my grandmother got child support from my mother, and stopped caring about me, she would often berate me for my issues, let my father steal from me, and be verbally abusive.
This all came to a head when my father came in one night to borrow money, methed out of his mind, he tried to swing on me, it connected, I blacked out, and broke my fathers jaw, he tried to fight me further and I attempted to protect myself. My grandmother forced him to leave and me to my room.


A few days later my dog got very sick, and died. I got very depressed and suspicious so I did some digging found my grandmothers journal and discovered she had in fact killed my dog as payback for fighting with my father.
I was destroyed, I couldn't sleep my grades fell again, though thankfully only in one class, my friend's mom who is more like a proper mother to me than my own, got worried about me.


I got pulled in by the principal of my school and told her everything.


Later that day while I was in my weekly club, two CPS agents took me away, I was sent back to a high security facility as my grandmother claimed I killed my dog and that I was going to kill her.
I spend 6 months there including my 17th birthday, while there I was constantly evaluated, but eventually proven not to be criminally insane, nor bi polar, it was clear to the court that my family was messed up and I was on my way to emancipation.


During this time my mother reached out, and I gave her a second chance, I finished High School two year early while locked up, and the eventually released me into my mother's care.


My incontinence issues persisted but eventually disappeared, and as such it was chalked up to Stress Incontinence.


My mother was better now that she and I where both adults under the same roof, I kept my furry and little side to myself .
However she still brought it up constantly when angry or trying to instigate a fight, and as I lived with her the fights grew in intensity


I spent 6 years with her


I got a degree, met a great guy, almost finished a second degree (finished after I moved out), and was finally lucky enough to get a new dog.
My mother found an old paci I never used once and flipped her shit, and we constantly fought, but it was better than my childhood until I got my dog.


My dog was being service trained to help with my vision impairments, and my mother wouldn't listen and constantly set the training back .
This caused many many fights, including ones where she got physical with me or threw things at me.


I moved out and in with my boyfriend, life moved on thing where going great, my boyfriend is a great guy .
It took about a year before I truly opened up and was able to freely be little around him, and seamlessly be both my big and small side without either causing me mental anxiety.



Flash forward to early this year:


my BF and I get into a fight, and he says some hurtful stuff about how my little side stressed him out, and how it's annoying and bratty.
My BF is also an ABDL, and he didn't mean it as bad as I took it originally, but it really messed me up.
He apologized and explained and the dust settled.
(I'm not going to give full context here as it'd take an even longer post than this one to explain it all and why he is the way he is, the short answer is his own problems mean that he can have difficulties communicating in a way that people can easily understand or that can come off as abrasive because he doesn't finish his thoughts in a full or cohesive way sometimes.)


But now I can't be small at all, looking at pics of my OC or myself in little space make my anxiety levels go through the roof and I feel violently sick.


I can still look at others engaging in ABDL stuff, or their own art, but the second I imagine myself or look at art of my OC I legit feel like I'm going to puke.
I had to give my pamps to my BF to put somewhere else because them being in my closet was enough to make me unable to sleep.


Now I'm having terrible nightmares, and I'm not able to shed my stress at all.
I used ABDL as my escape so it was both kink and coping mechanism.
So now I'm stressed to all hell, and can't sleep at all as I'm waking up gasping for air, or can't stay down for more than an hour or so at a time.


I made this post looking for answers as to why this happened, or what I can maybe try to do to help myself feel better.
I don't get why I just instantly hate the thing that's kept me going for so long, or know anyone personaly whose had a purge cycle this bad with this level of anxiety.


My BF feels terrible because he thinks it's all his fault, but I don't blame him fights happen, shit gets said that folks don't mean, or in a way they don't mean, and normally it's apologies and we move on.


My best guess is that it has to do with my childhood trauma, maybe something like my BF triggering those old wounds or something .
But I truly don't know, and I'm hoping someone can shine a light on what's wrong with me.
I don't need a cure, but just some idea of why I feel this way, although I'll take any suggestions on how this might be reversed, or advise on how to get back some of what has been and still is such an important part of my life.


Thank you all in advance for anything you can give me.
After everything you have been through, lots of things are going to remind yourself of all that stress..
I went through some awful times , and I have learned to let go of those memories, simply because I never wanted all the conflicts, so I can just say to myself "I never asked for this , and I don't want this ." And I try and live my life with peace . I did find out that to do this, I had to find work that suited me . So my advice here is to be careful about your workplace, and make sure you put yourself into a stress free situation, giving yourself time to heal , to breathe and work out where you wish to go in life.
What I'm trying to say is look after yourself, and understand that you are going to be traumatised by your past. It will haunt you , until you make peace with it , and move on . I'm truly sorry you have suffered that much.. true strength now is living a good and happy life ! 😊 .. try and relax , and let go of those insecurities.. try and love your life .. and if you truly achieve happiness.. then you have won the better fight...
 
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