Having Scary Thoughts (Please Help!)

gnd567

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Please somebody, help me!
I've dealt with on and off again depression most all of my life but I've never had any suicidal thought before yesterday. I'm scared!
I wouldn't go through with it, it would devastate my parents and besides, I don't have any real way of going about it anyway but just the fact that I'm having these types of thoughts frightens me a bit. I keep thinking about going to sleep and just not waking up. Why would I want that? I don't want to think like that!

Like I said, I care too much about my parents to do that to them and I'm a chicken anyway so I'd never go through with it but I can't stop crying because I'm so afraid of my own thoughts lately. I know I'm incredibly lonely and prone to depression but this is the most painful and scary feeling I've ever experienced. I'm going to go hide under the covers and hopefully wen I wake up,I won't be so freaked out.
Sorry for my constant whining. I'm too emotional, I know. Forgive me.
 

gnd567

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Please delete this thread. I don't know what came over me. I needed a nap. This is too negative. I'm sorry for this. I promise to no longer spread my negativity around. Please feel free to delete. Thanks and my apolgoies for the inconvenience.
 
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Sapphyre

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Are you seeing a therapist? Suicidal thinking often comes and goes in intense waves; you should certainly talk to someone if you feel this way even intermittently
 

gnd567

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Are you seeing a therapist? Suicidal thinking often comes and goes in intense waves; you should certainly talk to someone if you feel this way even intermittently
Not currently. I used to about five or six years ago but it only helped so much. Back then it was more for anger, anxiety and depression. We tried several different antidepressants and mood stabilizers and some worked better than others but I wasn't really getting the results I wanted anyway and part of that was my fault because I couldn't open up to her enough for her to properly diagnosis me. Then one day she didn't show up to the office and nobody could find her. Turns out she moved away without notifying anyone. Weird. After that, I never went back. I quit drinking some time after that and things got a bit better but now I'm struggling with loneliness and feeling trapped due to my situation.

I regret posting about my thoughts this afternoon. I had an anxiety attack. This is the only time I've ever had those types of thoughts and thankfully I'm not capable of acting on them. I'm still depressed but I'm relaxing a bit now after a long nap and taking it easy.

Thank you for your concern.
 

Sapphyre

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Mew. *hugs* Be on the lookout for a return; if those thoughts do come again, you need to see someone; sooner or later they will be too strong, and your resolve only needs to break momentarily. Be careful. If specific methods based on available resources start coming to mind, you should get help right away. That is definitely time to hit the panic button. o.o;; Call 911 or go to an ER if you can't find someone to stay with you and ensure you are safe, if you reach that point, even if you are still sure you won't follow through.

Feel free to msg if you'd like to talk.

Take care of yourself.
 

Rooky

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Change your setting and routine.
Setting=Environment. It will help. If you can go to a park or a nice trail, that helps me.

Changing my routine(or making one, looking at that lazy dude in the mirror), has helped to change thought patterns.

Do you stretch? Putting my focus into the feeling of my muscles when I stretch has helped me quite a bit.

I know this sounds cliche, and I've seen bs memes about this type of stuff not helping, but memes are laden with dichotomy and group think mindset. This has helped me with my suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression. Therapy helps too.
 

BabyTyrant

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I've also gone through Therapy before and had a Therapist leave the center I was going to on more than one occasion, and then I had to go start talking to a new Therapist.

On the final time they cut me out of their system entirely and refused to do anything for me

That is the place that still send me bills, like I'm gonna pay a place that screwed me up by dropping me out of their system and refusing to send my medication refills to the pharmacy?; all without telling me so I ended up with 0 medication and had the roughest 3 days of my life (that actually happened twice before I had my situation setup where I had a place that would send my medication refills to the pharmacy so I could get the medication I need).

Dont feel bad about making the Thread, I have had very bad thoughts a number of times as well (as well as load of Self Harm in the past, but havent in years), and I still do suffer from mental health problems; but I have found ways to largely stay somewhat evened out and happy.

I will talk to anybody any time you want if you are ever feeling down (aside from if I am asleep or at work, but if I am awake I will check for messages) I don't want anyone doing anything you will regret (or that will end up hurting your loved ones).
 
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gnd567

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Thanks, everyone.
I'm once reminded what a great "Support Community" ADISC can really be!
I sometimes feel like I post more about negative stuff than positive stuff which is the complete opposite of my little side. I sometimes feel like I'm a pain. Thank you all for being so kind and understanding.

Mew. *hugs* Be on the lookout for a return; if those thoughts do come again, you need to see someone; sooner or later they will be too strong, and your resolve only needs to break momentarily. Be careful. If specific methods based on available resources start coming to mind, you should get help right away. That is definitely time to hit the panic button. o.o;; Call 911 or go to an ER if you can't find someone to stay with you and ensure you are safe, if you reach that point, even if you are still sure you won't follow through.

Feel free to msg if you'd like to talk.

Take care of yourself.
Thank you. I'll send you a msg.

I've also gone through Therapy before and had a Therapist leave the center I was going to on more than one occasion, and then I had to go start talking to a new Therapist.

On the final time they cut me out of their system entirely and refused to do anything for me

That is the place that still send me bills, like I'm gonna pay a place that screwed me up by dropping me out of their system and refusing to send my medication refills to the pharmacy?; all without telling me so I ended up with 0 medication and had the roughest 3 days of my life (that actually happened twice before I had my situation setup where I had a place that would send my medication refills to the pharmacy so I could get the medication I need).
yone doing anything you will regret (or that will end up hurting your loved ones).
Wow! I didn't go too much into detail in my intitial post but that's exactly what happened to me. They cut me out and they are STILL sending me bills!

Change your setting and routine.
Setting=Environment. It will help. If you can go to a park or a nice trail, that helps me.

Changing my routine(or making one, looking at that lazy dude in the mirror), has helped to change thought patterns.

Do you stretch? Putting my focus into the feeling of my muscles when I stretch has helped me quite a bit.

I know this sounds cliche, and I've seen bs memes about this type of stuff not helping, but memes are laden with dichotomy and group think mindset. This has helped me with my suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, anxiety, and depression. Therapy helps too.
Not cliche at all. Good advice and thanks for the tips about the stretching. It helps,
 

Rooky

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If you read at all I highly recommend "The Potent Self" by Moshe Feldenkrais. Dude was a pioneer in the world beyond words, the felt sense that is.
 

Rooky

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I also want to say that you needn't feel bad about feeling bad and expressing those feelings/thoughts. It's alright if ya do, but you need to know that you're human and we're not positive all the time, and attempting to be a positive force all the time is futile and potentiates mental strife. Be you.
 

gnd567

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Thanks again everyone.
I get real down sometimes because I’m stuck in my current situation and I likely won’t have a way out of it for a long, long time. I don’t get to be myself. I wish I had a friend
.
 

BabyTyrant

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It is pretty sad that mental health clinics think it is acceptable to drop clients and refuse to even send medication refills in (because they deleted my Data when they dropped me) ; and then they have the gall to keep sending bills; they shouldn't be able to "have it both ways"

That could literally be a person's life on the line; but they don't care they only care about whether you can pay what they want or not (I had insurance which was paying them something and I was paying as much as I could, but it's not enough for them)

Honestly I'm better off now that I no longer need them and my doctor sends my refills in instead; I go in once every six months and get all the regular stuff done; I get asked some questions and then my medications get sent in.

No more risk of hard withdrawals leaving me feeling the worst I ever had due to being dropped and not being able to get the medication that helps me stay level and able to sleep.
 

Rooky

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I don't know if you reddit GND567 but r/bodyweightfitness has ALOT of info on exercises/stretches you can do without equipment. I speak from experience when I say that it helped alot with depression/anxiety/flashbacks. Not to mention it boosts confidence.
 

gnd567

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It is pretty sad that mental health clinics think it is acceptable to drop clients and refuse to even send medication refills in (because they deleted my Data when they dropped me) ; and then they have the gall to keep sending bills; they shouldn't be able to "have it both ways"

That could literally be a person's life on the line; but they don't care they only care about whether you can pay what they want or not (I had insurance which was paying them something and I was paying as much as I could, but it's not enough for them)
Yeah, It really turned me off to the idea of ever trying to go that route again. I don't want drugs anyway. I want to talk to someone. My problem before was that I didn't want to to talk. I was too scared.

I don't know if you reddit GND567 but r/bodyweightfitness has ALOT of info on exercises/stretches you can do without equipment. I speak from experience when I say that it helped alot with depression/anxiety/flashbacks. Not to mention it boosts confidence.
Cool! I will be looking at that tonight for sure. I could definitely use a confidence boost.
 

Seasonedcitizen

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Hospitals have crisis teams that will come over to help you. If needed they will take you to a place for treatment. Never be afraid to reach out for help.
 

BabyTyrant

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Yeah, It really turned me off to the idea of ever trying to go that route again. I don't want drugs anyway. I want to talk to someone. My problem before was that I didn't want to to talk. I was too scared.



Cool! I will be looking at that tonight for sure. I could definitely use a confidence boost.
Yeah, not all conditions really need to be treated with medications; talking alone can usually help at least a little.

I'm not a mental health professional; but I would be willing to talk by PM to anyone if they are ever feeling down.

I have been there and mental health issues suck; but you don't have to keep these things to yourself and if you need it you shouldn't be afraid to ask for help; nothing wrong with needing help; just about every has probably needed some form of help at some point.
 

SometimesAdult

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I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. Can you talk to a trusted friend or family member about this. If not, my suggestion would be to talk to a professional. When I felt this way, I told my therapists. These feelings can get worse, so why not take care of this early and be happy again. Please keep us posted. Hugs.
 

SorcerorElf

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Thanks again everyone.
I get real down sometimes because I’m stuck in my current situation and I likely won’t have a way out of it for a long, long time. I don’t get to be myself. I wish I had a friend
.
I've been there before (suicidal ideation, zero real life friends and all). If you ever need help please feel free to pm me.
 

gnd567

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Thanks again, everyone.
I'm feeling a lot better than last week. There are some really kind people on here who helped me through this past week. Thank you!

I've realized it's time to make some changes in my life. I'm tired of not being able to do the things I want to do. I want to overcome my social anxiety and make some real friends and I'd like to eventually find someone to be in a relationship with. Someone who can accept me for me.
I also really want a place of my own where I can be myself. I also want a place where I can feel safe to be little. I have ZERO privacy or free time here at home. I wear my diapers discreetly under my clothes a couple of times a week but that's it. I want a place where I can I can have real "little" time. I can't do that at home. I want to watch some cartoons in my diapers with my teddy bear beside me while eating a happy meal. I can't do that here. If I have an idea for a song at 3am and need to record a demo, I can't do that either. I need a place to be myself. But, I'm not independent.

Unfortunately, I can't afford to see a therapist at this time. I can't afford it right now. I also apparently still "owe" them for missing appointments which by the way I didn't miss... the therapist left state! They owe ME but they keep sending me bills.

But, I amtaking steps towards gaining more independence, I've contacted a few agencies for the visually impaired and I'm going to be setting up a meeting to discuss how they could possibly help me. There's quite a few things I want to ask them about. I'm talking to them this week and they're going to reopen my case.

I know I have a long way to go but I'm a bit relieved since I now at least have some sort of plan.
 

BabyTyrant

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Thanks again, everyone.
I'm feeling a lot better than last week. There are some really kind people on here who helped me through this past week. Thank you!

I've realized it's time to make some changes in my life. I'm tired of not being able to do the things I want to do. I want to overcome my social anxiety and make some real friends and I'd like to eventually find someone to be in a relationship with. Someone who can accept me for me.
I also really want a place of my own where I can be myself. I also want a place where I can feel safe to be little. I have ZERO privacy or free time here at home. I wear my diapers discreetly under my clothes a couple of times a week but that's it. I want a place where I can I can have real "little" time. I can't do that at home. I want to watch some cartoons in my diapers with my teddy bear beside me while eating a happy meal. I can't do that here. If I have an idea for a song at 3am and need to record a demo, I can't do that either. I need a place to be myself. But, I'm not independent.

Unfortunately, I can't afford to see a therapist at this time. I can't afford it right now. I also apparently still "owe" them for missing appointments which by the way I didn't miss... the therapist left state! They owe ME but they keep sending me bills.

But, I amtaking steps towards gaining more independence, I've contacted a few agencies for the visually impaired and I'm going to be setting up a meeting to discuss how they could possibly help me. There's quite a few things I want to ask them about. I'm talking to them this week and they're going to reopen my case.

I know I have a long way to go but I'm a bit relieved since I now at least have some sort of plan.
Thanks for the update

Things will get better; but things dont just get better through luck or immediately; it takes work and time.

While I cant really do anything about your real life circumstances; I would definitely be glad to talk to you any time you want; just send a message my way.

And good luck with everything, I hope it all works out, but just know that things dont always go according to plan (at least not as soon as we would like them to) ; but they do get better with effort and time and things will go your way eventually.
 
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