- Diaper Lover
I felt tears stinging my eyes, as I stared out into the passing fields of green through the window. The setting of the summer sun made everything seem incredibly beautiful and peaceful, splashing blue and pink tones amongst sparse clouds. The vivid colors of nature came alive, with interconnected shadows and areas of brightness, tints of yellow and orange. Ever since I could remember, I had loved staring at the sun setting on the landscape illuminating the world in such a strange way, pulling me into daydreams of an incredible life, giving me that short-lived escape from the harsh reality of the one which was my own.
The car slowed down as it turned into a gas station, gently parking beside one of the pumps. The person in the drivers seat got out, walked around the front of the carr, opening my door, reaching out to firmly grasp my hands and carefully cut my plastic handcuffs with a Swiss army knife from his pocket. The feeling of release on my wrists was welcomed. “Now there, that might feel a little bit better. Why don’t you come and it up front with me instead?” His voice was still confident but less cold than when I had first met him.
“Aren`t ya kinda worried I’m gonna try to escape or somethin`?” I whispered, letting myself uneasily peer up at his striking blue eyes for a split second, but quickly shifting my eyes to something on the horizon, slowly edging out of the car. His offer seemed just slightly suspicious.
He snorted. “Hah! In all honesty, I could care less. It’s really up to you.” This was pretty much the first sign of real emotion I had seen from him. He shut the door behind me and proceeded to go fill up the gas tank.
Yet, approaching the pump, he stopped abruptly, and turned in my direction. “Then again, I’d like to think that you’re smarter than that, knowing very well the kind of situation you’d be forcing me into.”
“Right…” I barely whispered the words as I opened the door and got into the front seat. I awkwardly put on my seat belt, unable to establish for myself how to act or what to even say. I just stared down at the red welts that remained on my wrists.
They reminded me of being a child and finding my dad’s supply of plastic cable ties. Fascinated by the mechanism, I tried to tie one around my wrist. I kept pulling at it, until eventually it became so tight that my hand started to turn blue and I struggled to get it off. In desperation, I finally ran to my mom, and she easily cut them off with a knife. It’s strangely funny that even at four, I waited until the last moment to ask for help, because of strong desires to be self-sufficient. Story of my life, it would seem.
I looked up to see the man at my partially open window. “Hey, do you feel like some coffee or donuts or something?”
“Uh, sure. A coffee
would be nice.” As he walked away to pay, I considered for a moment that perhaps this would be the perfect opportunity to escape, but a strong uncertainty lingered in me. I silently weighed my options. I’m pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I don’t even know in which direction I’d run. Hitching a ride probably wouldn’t be safe either. I’ve seen the kind of creeps that stop for girls like me. I stared down at the white ribbed tank that was peering out between the zippers of my black hoodie, and the short torn cutoffs I was wearing. Even my hoodie had orange bleach stains on the cuffs. They would probably take me for a cheap hooker or something. Too insane, even for me.
The man returned with a tray of two Styrofoam coffee cups and two brown paper bags in his hand. “Well, here you go. There are a couple of danishes in there. I’m guessing you might want to nibble on something. We still have about an hour and a half away until we get there.
I just nodded as I took one of the paper bags and the coffee cup, laying it in the cup holder on the passenger’s side. I didn’t feel like conversing with him. I could barely even look at him, let alone talk with him, acting as if everything was peachy. Nothing was fine. Nothing ever would be fine. The last place on earth I wanted to be right now was here in this car, in this moment, but what was there really for me to do. Well scratch that. Being in the presence of my uncle might be worse. Nonetheless, here I was an adult, completely capable of taking care of myself, yet my fate lay in this very man’s hands.
“Do you mind if I put on the radio?”
“I don’ care.” I shrugged my arms. The effects of the window being down resulted in the wind blowing a few strands of hair out of my unkempt bun of dirty blonde, so I closed the window and lay my head against it. The sky was still a bright orange over the horizon, the sun letting out only a slight sliver of light as it almost disappeared. I heard him switch the knob on the radio until he got to a country song I didn’t know. I didn’t like country in particular but could care less at this point, the events of that day replaying in my head a hundred times. I felt my eyes get heavier, and suddenly found myself drifting off to sleep.
I dreamt about running through fields of long thick grass with speed that no human could match. I ran until I finally found a hole to hide under the shadow of a moonlit sky, knowing in my heart I’d never be found again by a single person. I’d live my life in harmony with the trees and the sky and the seas and never for a moment feel the need to cry myself to sleep ever again. No one would ever find me. No one would ever hurt me.
“We’re here.” A strange voice startled me out of slumber, and I found myself surrounded by darkness with my eyes trying desperately trying to adjust to sparse shimmers of light outside.
“Where am I…? What time is it?” I asked, panicked but also severely disoriented, my brain desperately trying to piece together my current situation.
“It’s almost 9 o’clock. We’re going to have to call in, to officially turn on your new fashion accessory for this location.”
With that, all the memories came crashing back, all at once. “Oh crap, I forgot about that.” I reached my hand towards my ankle and touched the plastic ring surrounding it, a small green light flickering on the thicker part every few seconds.