Girlfriend Backlash!

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nightfox320

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So I posted earlier this year or possibly near the end of last year concerning me coming out as and AB/DL to my girlfriend. She took it well but never mentioned or wanted to talk about it after that afternoon. So for the last couple of months I assumed she was cool with it. So last week, seeing as I am have made my mind up I am going to propose next year, asked her how she felt about mabye spending an eavening with my while im diapered. Nedless to say she reacted a little negatively. I guess I wasnt to clear when I told her about me being an AB/DL becasue she had assumed that this was something that would go away once we where married becasue she could fulfill the role of sexual partner. She didint realize this is primarily relaxatory for me and not sexual. Now she is asking me weather or not I can give this up becasue she wants nothing to do with the diaper. She is equating it to her being a recovering anoerxic and telling me I can get rid of this. I cant help but feel that depite her reassuring me that she will still love me either way, she is hoping I will give up diapers. I told her abot the binge purge cycles i have gone through in the past and this just seemed to enforce her argument than dispel it. I asked her why she didint like the idea of me wearing diapers and she was unable to give me an answer. So i feel like I am face with a choice, give this up or keep doing what i have always done. I feel that I am treading on thin ice here. I dont want to ruin our relationship, yet at the same time I dont want to make promisses I know from past experiences I wont be able to keep. Any help or prayer is apreciated. I am going to need some guidance on this matter. Thanks yall for your time and responses.
 

Avalanche

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asked her how she felt about mabye spending an eavening with my while im diapered

It seems asking for an evening together with you diapered might be too steep a goal for the beginning. There's plenty of middle ground between her wanting you to give it up completely and her being ok with you diapered in her presence. Like a don't ask don't tell kind of setup, you keeping it private; not lying or telling her you've stopped, but also not forcing it onto her.

She is equating it to her being a recovering anoerxic and telling me I can get rid of this.

Unlike anorexia or alcoholism etc. diapers are generally not harmful to one's health (besides the occasional rash), nor harmful to others like other sins.

One thing you may need to address is that she might consider the diapers a kind of cheating, or competition/alternative to her, so you may need to explain to her that it's not like that. Tough.
 

Drifter

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Sorry to hear about your plight. I know what it's like because this exact kind of situation lasted over 40 years for me and ultimately ended in divorce. It was a surprise for me every time she was "shocked" to find out I still had those desires since I made it clear early on they would never go away. She knew about this before we were married but always assumed it would, and should, go away after the wedding.

I give out advice a little too freely sometimes so you have to take this with a grain of salt. The bottom line is - one of you will have to change in order to keep the relationship alive. You can talk about compromise all you want but the fundamental issue will always be either you give up your BF desires or she accepts them. You won't (can't) give up that part of yourself so it will be up to her to accept the fact you have these desires if the relationship is to survive. She may not be able to do that. The point is not that she has to give in to any of your desires, those things are open to compromise, but that she has to accept you as you are. If she truly accepts you the two of you will be able to talk about it. She can accept you and still absolutely refuse to get involved in any aspect of your BF behavior, but she can't pretend that part of you doesn't exist because that would cut off communication.

MattyMax has posted a link in his thread "Very Interesting Study" in the Mature topics forum about a study that sounds like it could address some of the issues your gf has. I downloaded the pdf but haven't read it yet.
 

foxkits

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That study state's only 0.01 % can ever give it up the best thing for an ab/dl is helping them find acceptance with being AB/DL.
Great read.
 

ToddySmurf

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All I can say is that my heart breaks for you and everyone else in this situation :(
 

MickeyM

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I have no issue with being alone. Getting a girlfriend is not on my priority list ( is on my mothers lol)

That being said, you have to decide if you are willing to accept being alone as a potential outcome. That's not to say there are not plenty of gf's that would accept you for who you are. But you must choose, diapers, or girlfriend.
In my opinion you should try to work it out with her. Make her understand. If she can't well, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with her not accepting you?
These are hard choices. It's difficult to make the decision to stop seeing some one based on abdl. This may be selfish.
It's a choice you are going to have to make at some point.

The option to dump your girlfriend and seek out some one else who is more willing to accept you wearing diapers exists, and is a totally legit option. I hear of breakups all the time, over less issues. It's all about finding the right sort of person you want to be with. Like I said, attempts should be made to possibly remedy your situation with her before doing this.
The other option is to totally give up diapers. This is the more logical option in most peoples minds. Having a diaper fetish ruin a potential relationship can seem a bit.. rude/cruel. You could possibly achieve this, but again, people have ruined relationships over less. In the end you have to weight up the pro's and cons of staying with her. Does everything else go well? Can you walk away from diapers etc?
 
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She's either accepts it now, or you need to part ways. This doesn't go away, and no, being sexual with her won't replace it. You'll ended up trying to stop, to please her (...and be "normal" / vanilla), but at what cost? Without this ABDL aspect in your personality, are you still the same person she originally fell for? Likely not.

Sad as it may seem, if she cannot accept the "whole you", this isn't a match made in Heaven.

At 26+ years married, I can tell you there's hope of trying to make it work, but it's a damn bumpy road, even for someone that's somewhat accepting of the fetish. For someone that's not accepting, there's no hope of a long term relationship.

My two bits...
 

dogboy

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Obviously if you're talking about marriage, you are in love with this girl and she with you, so just ending the relationship should be painful for both of you. I would suggest going to a marriage or pre-marriage counselor and get their opinion. Sometimes having some objectivity is a good thing, especially if it works in your favor. It's just a suggestion.
 
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I hate to say it, but you need a realistic view of the future. From what you posted she sounds like she isn't going to change her mind. You are better off alone than being dragged along by hope and wish.
Do you love her or do you love the idea of her? Will you really be happy with her? Will she really be happy with you (the real you)?
 

Akastus

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There is a nasty tendency among some people, usually women, to get into long-term relationships with people who display personality traits that they don't like, in the hope; still worse, the firm conviction, that they can change their partner "for the better". It's arrogant and controlling at best, downright dangerous at worst - far too many women get into abusive relationships with violent men by deluding themselves that they can "smooth off his rough edges".

You need to get her to understand that while you have no right to expect her to accept your desires, she equally has no right to expect you to change them, and more importantly, no basis for just assuming that you can or will change for her sake.

It is never wise to hang the future of the relationship on a baseless hope that one of the parties to it will change some aspect of their basic personality.

Any serious conversation, whether moderated by a counsellor or not, has to not only be heart-to-heart, but brutally honest enough to destroy any delusions, illusions or false hopes on either side, otherwise, if you take Drifter's example, they can last for forty years.

Don't allow your fear of upsetting her to impede you from having this conversation. If you are seriously contemplating marriage, then something which might potentially lead to divorce must be resolved. A lasting marriage has to be built on more than just romance. Love is most certainly not all you need.
 
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edward321

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. So last week, seeing as I am have made my mind up I am going to propose next year, asked her how she felt about mabye spending an evening with my while im diapered.

So your idea of spending a romantic evening was to have come over while you diaper up?

I'm seeing where this went wrong, she doesn't have issues with acceptance or need education on infantalism.

What were you expecting of her while you're in a diaper sitting or lying next to her?
She may have already read/heard about ABDL fetishes, she probably thinks you want to her to play a Mommy role in this and for her that's not a turn on and that she sees it as gross and unsanitary. Don't push your fetish onto someone.

If she came over and put on a Strap-on and this is what she's into and that it gives her comfort would you jump on the bandwagon right away and accept, I've read your profile and says you're straight, so taking it from behind is probably not in your book. And if she just laid there, seeing a large Strap-on would probably make you feel a little uncomfortable. I apologize for using a graphic example but my wife used this to make a point and I agree.

I see a lot of people on Adisc blaming the other person in a lot of similar threads, without thinking about it from their point of view.
 

nightfox320

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Thank you i agree 100%. I think when i asked her this i was thinking i wanted her to be comforatble with it and therefore wanted to offer her the opportunity to engage with me while i was atleast padded. I realize now that was probably a bad idea and came across the wrong way.

- - - Updated - - -

You make a great point. After reading your post i have though about it a bit and i thing you may be right that she sees this as a competitor of sorts. I think wat i need to do is sit her down, talk to her, reassure her this is in now draws my attention away from her, and then set some groud rules.
 

WABX

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I told my wife of almost 34 years before we where married and she didn't have a problem with. She even helped me out with all through the years wearing openly in front of her and using them for what they were for. I miss her very much. She died in 2012. Now i have had a girl friend for a year now and told her straight out about this and she don't have a problem with it either and i also ware openly around her. I guess i am a very lucky person compared to some of you. As i wright this i am sitting in a very wet ATN's.
 

bambinod

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There is an old saying about married couples. Men hope their wives will stay the same, and women hope their husbands will change.

Usually, neither gets what they wanted.

A woman that wants her man to change will <i>always</i> want them to change. That does not go away over time. Maybe I'm being a chauvinist, or maybe I'm being a practicalist, but it seems that men are expected to change, while at the same time are expected to accept change from their wife. It seems unfair!
 

redheadedboy

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This comes down to a choice only you can make. Are diapers worth your relationship with this person? Because even if you calm her down this time there's no knowing what's going on in her head.

My wife knows about my diapers but for me, I stopped wearing about 2 years ago now. I still participate in the community in my own way, but I'm happy. For me it was about relaxing and I've found other ways to do that. Motorcycles, video games, etc.

I have no idea if that's helpful but I figured I would put it out there. Good luck.
 

zackiepooh1992

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There is an old saying about married couples. Men hope their wives will stay the same, and women hope their husbands will change.

Usually, neither gets what they wanted.

A woman that wants her man to change will <i>always</i> want them to change. That does not go away over time. Maybe I'm being a chauvinist, or maybe I'm being a practicalist, but it seems that men are expected to change, while at the same time are expected to accept change from their wife. It seems unfair!

Can i give a award? I really mean that!!
 

Cottontail

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I'll admit to being extremely skeptical of a "need" to "relax" in diapers. To be believable, I think you have to redefine one of those words. And at that point, it's probably best to just say what you really mean. Here's where a comparison to things like alcohol and cigarettes actually does work. I mean, sure, smoking is a tool of relaxation for a smoker--because he is addicted. Having a fetish is a bit like having an addiction or otherwise a habit you can't kick. The fact that indulging such a thing helps you "relax" doesn't mean that "relaxation" is the reason you're doing it.

I sometimes wonder whether the negative reactions of spouses and significant others are due, at least in part, to the intelligence-insulting reasons or justifications we conjure in self-defense. These are just vain efforts to make a weird thing seem less weird, and our partners can see right though them. If you want to come out about your diapers, shoot straight or wait until you've mustered the courage to do so.

Sorry for being blunt.

Also keep in mind that married couples don't share everything, despite what so many unmarried people say. No matter how compatible one partner is with the other, each will always have interests, guilty pleasures, etc. that he alone indulges. That's not a bad thing. It's important, though, to consider whether AB/DL is one of those things before the relationship gets too far along. If it's not, and your partner isn't warming up to it, you may want to move along and spare yourself the agony of a slow, drawn-out decline in your relationship.
 
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mattyd

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I came out to my gf a few weeks ago about the diapers, complete honesty about why I wear them and what I get out of it and all that. She accepted me and was figuring something was on my mind and she was more like, that's what was on my mind like it was no big deal. Every so often she will ask a question or two about the diaper stuff, mostly out of curiosity and things. She is pretty certain she doesn't want to be involved with the diapers but said she doesn't want me to give them up if they are a part of me. I am often good at walking in other people's shoes with things, I could totally see her perspective and how much of a turn off it likely is to see her bf in diapers. It is one thing to accept it very well, but another to have to have it thrown in your face. Likely will have to approach the subject more in-depth when I move in with my gf at some point, develop boundaries or times where I can do it where it doesn't both her but I can still get it out my system.
 

ornitorrinco

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I told my wife when we were dating that I wet the bed. After about 5 or 6 years of marriage and two kids later, I got to the point that I was suicidal, because I thought I would rather take my own life than tell her the truth, and I couldn't go on living the lie anymore. Here I am, so you can probably guess that I told her the truth.

At first, she was weirded out, and she felt betrayed that I had lied to her for so long. However, because of my mental and emotional state of severe depression at the point that I told her, she didn't push. We talked about it many times over the ensuing months and years. Finally, she got to a point that she understood that this was a part of me that I can't change. It is part of me that is not hurting anybody else. She doesn't understand it. (Honestly, neither do I.) But she loves me and accepts all of me. All my "perfect imperfections" to quote the John Legend song. She accepts that she loves me. And part of what makes me me is my DL side

I try to be respectful of her. I don't walk around in just a diaper. I don't shove it in her face (literally or figuratively). I don't hide it from her. I keep my diapers in my closet. We talk about them. She even sometimes takes out the bathroom trash where I put them when I'm done. So, we have found a way to make it work for us. I'm DL so I don't have any AB need for a mommy or what not, so her interaction with the diapers is minimal. (Though she isn't bothered by taking off a diaper if I'm wearing when we get intimate. If I've been wet, I'll jump in the shower first, out of courtesy to her.) The point is we found a way that lets me not deny an undeniable part of my identity while respecting her space.

Part of this has come through counseling, which we've gone to together, even though I'm the patient. Part of it has come through time. She saw me try to stop and saw how that interacted with my anxiety and depression, and decided she liked me better not anxious and not depressed. If this is the 'medicine' that helps with that, then hey, we found something that works for us.

It is not easy. I applaud you for being honest about it up front. I wish I had trusted my wife enough to be honest with her up front. I think it would have saved her some heartbreak. (Honestly, OTOH, I have always had pretty low self esteem, and part of me wonders if she would have stayed if I had told her the honest truth up front. Now, I know her well enough to know she would have. Back then, I didn't like myself enough to believe I was worth loving if somebody knew about my DL side.)

I wish you luck. It is not an easy road. I hope you find your happy ending.
 
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