Getting over public changing embarrassment

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For people who have been managing their incontinence with diapers longer than I have:
3-ish years, so far, plus a remarkably long time as a kid.

how long did it take you to stop caring?
It was relatively quick, actually. A couple of months.

Are you still embarrassed?
I don't like new people finding out about it without my say so, but I'm OK changing in environments full of strangers or non-friend colleagues.

Are you open about your incontinence, or do you only address it if people notice?
I usually only address it if people notice, although I feel there are circumstances under which I'm obliged to bring it up preemptively.
 
Having had severe bowel IC for 20 plus years I've had to change in public on more than a few occasions. In the beginning I had mostly loose stool. When I had an accident I had to change as a diaper full of loose stool is uncomfortable. Was a change in public embarrassing? Yes. But not as bad as the change itself. Now days, with the use of a bulk producing fiber supplement, my BM's are solid. The downside is increased frequency and volume. Today, I simply hate public changes. A messy diaper is difficult to change anywhere but to try and pull it off in a public bathroom - really difficult. So whenever possible, I wait until I return home for a proper change and shower. No, it's not my idea of the best solution. but after 20 years, I'm used to getting around in a wet, loaded diaper. I use Desitin ointment and use nullo, always with plastic pants. My diaper of choice - a Comfi dry 24/7 with a booster. I can actually be confident of secure containment with several BM's and numerous bladder voids. If I feel near capacity I will change when out but it's still not my favorite thing.
 
I work in an office with a large public men's room. I change myself several times during the day and use seni quatro briefs which are silent to apply and remove. I wear gary plastic pants over them - also silent. Buy the darkest color.
 
Due to increased bowel accidents, I've become aggraphobic(sp?) so this is a helpful discussion for me.
It became obvious early on that vinyl/plastic/PUL/whatever pants-WITHOUT snaps-were necessary for smell-containment.
Other stuff-like using a cheap disposable as a liner for cloth diapers(avoids stains, lengthens diaper's use) & expensive premium diapers so they last longer.
Inspite of being able handle it, I couldn't imagine someone being able to smell my bm....the ultimate in total embarrassment! I don't think that kind of embarrassment would be desirable on any level.
I could be wrong though.......
but I really don't think I would want that.
Unfortunately, the truth is, if one has an accident in public, eventually, SOMEONE is gonna smell it. OMG! That could piss some people off-bigtime!
This is a tough dilemma!

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As many people in my real life get told, if you worry about the noise factor ,go on amazon and buy a "rescue hammer" key chain it will only cost a few bucks and the safety cutter on it is designed to cut seat belts , so a diapers tapes will be nothing to it , you can silenty remove anything from blue jeans to seat belts , that literally cuts half the noise of changing , and if your ever trapped in your car , you don't have to think were are my keys with that gadget because there in the ignition .

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I've had bladder control issues for most of my life but didn't think I was incontinent till a few years ago when Tarlov cysts were found on my S4 sacral nerve, which explained my diagnosis of severe OAB and DSD. Been in diapers off and on for the last eleven years and full-time for the past four or five. I'm used to wearing, but I find it challenging to change in a public restroom. I work out of a home office, so changing there isn't a problem, and I wear a premium diaper with a booster pad and plastic pants, so I can generally hold off changing until I'm home. So really, the only time I change in a public restroom is when I'm traveling. It's unpleasant, and airplanes are awful, but it is what it is, and I've had to accept it.
 
Tetra said:
The only badvexperienceni have had on public changing was in a now defunct computer store where an employee heard me changing told a manager who assumed the sounds the employee described must be someone shoplifting merchandise, when I came out completely oblivious there were cops waiting for me , they asked me what all opening and closing of plastic packaging was about ? I was suitably unimpressed and told them I left important evidence in the trash can , help yourselves to it , needless to say they were embarrassed and the store manager was livid when he realised how I must have felt being accosted and accused of theft out of ignorance to my medical need . I bet they never did that again ! I wasn't really upset it was a teachable moment and they went to school ,unfortunately it didnt help the company because like i say they went bankrupt shortly therafter but I am sure the employees involved went to other companies bringing the knowledge they gained from that day , not everything that crinkle's in the bathroom is someone pilfering your merchandie.

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Just chiming in as a non incontinent person for what it's worth. I change in public sometimes and try to be as discrete as possible. I find that often, getting my supplies s into store bathrooms is particularly awkward. I've never been confronted as you describe but I've often felt afraid that it might happen. It is conspicuous on a way for someone to go into the bathroom for a longer than usual time period carrying a bag (men especially who usually don't carry them) - and then leave quietly crinkling...
I often will take a diaper with me in a very small draw string shoe bag.
I've wondered if some store workers have assumed that I'm going in to use drugs - but again still never confronted on any level re this theme.


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Tetra said:
The only badvexperienceni have had on public changing was in a now defunct computer store where an employee heard me changing told a manager who assumed the sounds the employee described must be someone shoplifting merchandise, when I came out completely oblivious there were cops waiting for me , they asked me what all opening and closing of plastic packaging was about ? I was suitably unimpressed and told them I left important evidence in the trash can , help yourselves to it , needless to say they were embarrassed and the store manager was livid when he realised how I must have felt being accosted and accused of theft out of ignorance to my medical need . I bet they never did that again ! I wasn't really upset it was a teachable moment and they went to school ,unfortunately it didnt help the company because like i say they went bankrupt shortly therafter but I am sure the employees involved went to other companies bringing the knowledge they gained from that day , not everything that crinkle's in the bathroom is someone pilfering your merchandie.

I'm impressed that you had the presence of mind to think of the "evidence in the trash can" line. :)
 
Thanks for all the support, I just checked ADISC for the first time in awhile and read all of these responses. It seems kind of silly, but knowing that I'm not alone in dealing with this gives me a bit more confidence. I've also started telling friends (and even a few colleagues) what I'm dealing with. It was hard at first (not to mention embarrassing) but letting the people around me who are most likely to notice know about my incontinence has helped more than probably anything else. It turns out several of the people I told already knew. One colleague has heard me changing in the stall at work for months, and my significant other's best friend opened the hallway closet where I store unopened cases of Attends one night while I was out of town. I think her friend gossiped to the rest of our friends about it, before I had a chance to tell them myself, but I almost feel relieved that it's out in the open. Apparently the crinkle is louder than I thought, or maybe I've gotten used to it, but a different friend who I told myself said that he had always wondered what "that sound" was :think:
 
As a non-IC DL I always used to worry about causing people annoyance in some way. Noises, smells, embarrassment of knowing or guessing, what if someone wonders whether I wear and wants to satisfy his/her curiosity but doesn't want to embarrass me by asking... there are so many things that people might theoretically get irritated about. But do they? Observation suggests that no, they neither know nor care, or they know but still don't care. It's such a non-event that I haven't even been able to gauge reliably who knows, if anybody, although I can assume some of the people I spend a lot of time with do.

So now I just change, tape noises and all, always aiming to be discreet and hygienic and fastidious so that I create a favourable impression to anyone who cares to notice, without actually hiding the fact of what I am doing. There might be an upside - perhaps the sound of me untaping is a pleasant surprise that they are not going to have to audition someone else's BM; after all if you were in a stall and somebody entered the next one, would you prefer that they were going to do a smelly poo or change a wet nappy? Of course if I need to change a messy one it's fairly obvious and probably a bit annoying, so I do try to keep out of the way of others for that. Not because I'm embarrassed any more - messy nappies need changing and that's that - but to avoid subjecting anyone else to the process.

The only thing that does still bug me is using a disabled or baby-change facility and finding I've kept someone else waiting who might have a more pressing need. It has only happened a few times but I try to gauge the likelihood before occupying special stalls, weighing it against the situation in the general area of the restroom. I wouldn't seek out a single-stall bathroom simply for privacy, but can't deny the advantages of more space, basin in the stall, nappy disposal bin etc, and will opt for that if at all possible if there's much of a mess to clean up.
 
How often do you wear diapers? I've been in them since last November, and while I think nobody tended to notice at first, having to wear them all day every day drastically increases the likelihood that some people I see on a regular basis will eventually find out. Coming across public handicap stalls is a huge relief, so I never feel guilty about using them. There have been times where I've waited outside of single stall restrooms (like in malls) rather than using a busy men's room, and it's always tedious to stand there with my changing supplies (usually a backpack unless I'm at work) wondering if anyone can figure out why I'm not using the normal restroom since I'm not obviously handicapped. I guess people don't really think about it much if it all, and as time goes on I find myself caring less about strangers. I think the hardest situation to get over for me is having to get up in front of a group of friends and walk to the restroom with my backpack, so telling them about my issues recently really helped alleviate that anxiety. But it's replaced with the embarrassment of having them all know, and I wonder sometimes how much they think about it. I've overheard them talking sympathetically about it when I return after a change, and it's really humiliating to see everyone stop talking and sort of look down or around and awkwardly change the topic.
 
I think I remember being embarrassed in the beginning. But 99 % of my changes were for really bad BM's (loose stool - very uncomfortable) that almost always proved disastrous. I fixed that by taking a bulk producing fiber supplement 4 or 5 times a day ( my doctor recommended psyllium/Metamucil). It never did anything for the severe urgency and lack of control but at least I have semi-firm stool, a trade off I can live with. All that psyllium does increase frequency and volume but again, much better than very loose stool. I can usually tolerate a firm, well formed BM in my diaper and will usually wait until I can get home for a proper clean-up, shower and change. I do have a good change kit in my car and an additional change kit in a back pack that I seldom use. If I've had multiple BM's (not uncommon) in the same diaper,I'll usually have to change. My BM's are extremely large ( again, due to fiber intake) and after 2 of them in the same diaper a 3rd one would put me at risk of a blow-out. At that point a change is mandatory. I do use Desitin ointment (zinc oxide) and Nullo which for me really works well at eliminating odour, along with plastic pants. I can be in a crowded public place with a completely loaded diaper and nobody would know. So I'm not offensive to others when in a dirty diaper. I think if you're confident in your protection and remain calm it reduces detection. If you're the kind of person that is prone to anxiety and freaks out when you have an accident you increase the chance of detection. I understand that most with bowel IC , if it's not as severe as mine, won't need to take the precautions that I do. For me it's not so much embarrassment as it is my ability to get clean enough after thoroughly loading a diaper. After 20 years, staying in a soiled diaper rather then changing isn't a big deal. Not ideal but easily tolerated.
 
inconsurferdude said:
...There have been times where I've waited outside of single stall restrooms (like in malls) rather than using a busy men's room, and it's always tedious to stand there with my changing supplies (usually a backpack unless I'm at work) wondering if anyone can figure out why I'm not using the normal restroom since I'm not obviously handicapped...

Some of us have non-obvious disabilities. Luckily at least some people realize that. If I have been smoking the right stuff regularly, the tremors from my Parkinson's are pretty tame and not particularly noticeable.

I also used to feel self-conscious about using the store's electric carts but while I can still do a lot of activities, that much walking around wipes me out. It's sad since I used to do a lot of walking and having to use the cart is still fairly new to me (1-2 years now). Before that I could just zip around the store on my own two feet. I do get a few looks just from riding around doing my shopping though.
 
when in places where I know I wont see people again I don't care anymore about the obvious sounds of changing my diaper, but at work and such I go a long way to keep silent. Maybe that will change as well.
 
NotTheAverageMan said:
but at work and such I go a long way to keep silent.

Some of my colleagues noticed me changing months before my friends did, even though when I first switched to diapers for daytime use I tried to be especially discrete while changing at work :(
 
Totally agree with Padded53. Most people wouldn't be able to tell. I have non-transparent blue blag to dispose my diaper and drop it quickly in the trash and I think people don't notice. Actually with relatives, or people you are staying at, I would simply tell them I am medical condition and they all understand.
 
It takes a lot of time to stop feeling embarrassed by wearing diapers, but as times comes you will start to notice that there are much more important things in your life that you should take care of and being incontinence is least of your problems in life and certainly, you just shouldn't care about other people's opinion in the first place. You need to build courage and self-confidence by being good in other areas or making things that make you feel good, but others don't do it and so on. My father was building his confidence from the scratch and he is on the level that he can talk about his issues with colleagues over a beer and have a laugh. So don't worry, just keep your chin up! It's best advice I can give I guess.
 
I had to change in the crowded airport a handful of times last week. My wife and I were flying standby to a few destinations as she has relatives that work for the airline. Since it was standby we never knew if we were getting on a flight or not. As our lack of luck would have it, we missed several flights on each leg of the trip before securing seats so we basically spent 2 days living in airports. I knew this was a possibility so my carryon was basically an overstuffed diaper bag.

I had to change several times in a bustling terminal bathroom. There was just no room for embarassment. I needed to time things so that if I was going to get on the next flight I'd have as dry a diaper as possible because changing on the plane would be next to impossible for a guy my size. This meant wearing my BetterDry with Abena Abri-Let Max, a very bulky combo.

In the end everything worked out fine. I've changed many many times in public bathrooms before this, but this was the first time in such a BUSY restroom. One time I had to wait in line for a stall be become available. Once in there with my backpack, pants around my ankles but facing the wrong way and the sound of all the plastic and tapes, there's no doubt everyone knew what I was doing. Then to come out with a folded up wet diaper to toss in the trash. I just resigned myself to not care and hold my head high.
 
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