Funny Stuff

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Gingy

Est. Contributor
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Adult Baby, Sissy
This is a list of things that was emailed to me, some of them are pretty hilarious. Its basically showing how stupid people are.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
> faster than an ambulance.
>
>
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
> places in front of a skating rink.
>
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
> walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
> prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
> at the front.
>
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order double
> cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
>
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
> and then chain the pens to the counters.
>
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
> thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
> useless junk in the garage.
>
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
> t o screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
> miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
> the first place.
>
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
> of ten and buns in packages of eight.
>
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
> to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
> meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
> creatures'
>
> .
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's
> with Braille lettering.
>
>
> EVER WONDER
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
> closed?
>
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
> Lottery"?
>
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click start?
>
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
> dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
>
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a
> broker?
>
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
> rush hour?
>
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
> it?
>
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
> injections?
>
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on
> airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
> that stuff??
>
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>
> Why are they called apart ments when they are all stuck
> together?
>
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
> opposite of progress?
>
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
> terminal?
>
>
> ------------------
> In case you needed further proof that the human race
> is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
> label instructions on consumer goods:
>
>
> On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (
> that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
>
>
> On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No
> purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
> special)?
>
>
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
> soap." (and that would be how???....)
>
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
> Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
>
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
> not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
> after heating." (...and you thought????...)
>
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
> on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car
> or operate machinery after taking this medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
> accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
>
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
> outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
>
>
> On a Japane se food processor: "Not to be used for the
> other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
> I'm a bit curious.)
>
>
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
> about a news flash)
>
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
> Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
> Delta?)
>
>
> On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
> garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
> the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain
> with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of
> this happening somewhere?)

--
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
 

Peachy

Banned
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Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Carer
I love those funny emails that go around the internet for years. The "Only in America"-one I have seen over 10 years ago.

Here's another one:

THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH:
==================================

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure... go ahead" = Do it and die, pal

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! and you better notice

"You're ... so manly" = You need a shave and you smell funky

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" = I'm on my period

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have too much cellulite

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

"I need new shoes" = the other 40 pairs don't match this new outfit

"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it over there! no wait...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful (this is NOT the moment for
truth)

"You need to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

"Yes" = No

"No" = No

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep

"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

"All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that
we're stopping
at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a
few new purses,
and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring
your checkbook?


THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH:
==================================

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!
 
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