• Please go to your preferences page and make sure your "See Mature Topics" setting is set. Setting it to "Yes" means you see the Mature Topics forum (contains political and religious debates). Setting it to "No" means you do not see those threads.

Funny Stuff

Status
Not open for further replies.

Gingy

Est. Contributor
Messages
2,124
Role
Adult Baby, Sissy
This is a list of things that was emailed to me, some of them are pretty hilarious. Its basically showing how stupid people are.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

> 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house
> faster than an ambulance.
>
>
> 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking
> places in front of a skating rink.
>
>
> 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
> walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
> prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
> at the front.
>
>
> 4. Only in America......do people order double
> cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
>
>
> 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
> and then chain the pens to the counters.
>
>
> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth
> thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
> useless junk in the garage.
>
>
> 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines
> t o screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
> miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
> the first place.
>
>
> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages
> of ten and buns in packages of eight.
>
>
> 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
> to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
> meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
> creatures'
>
> .
> 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's
> with Braille lettering.
>
>
> EVER WONDER
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
> closed?
>
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
> Lottery"?
>
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>
> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
>
> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click start?
>
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
> dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
>
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a
> broker?
>
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
> rush hour?
>
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>
> When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
> it?
>
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
> injections?
>
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on
> airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
> that stuff??
>
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>
> Why are they called apart ments when they are all stuck
> together?
>
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
> opposite of progress?
>
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
> terminal?
>
>
> ------------------
> In case you needed further proof that the human race
> is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
> label instructions on consumer goods:
>
>
> On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (
> that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
>
>
> On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No
> purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter
> special)?
>
>
> On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
> soap." (and that would be how???....)
>
>
> On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
> Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
>
>
> On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
> not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
>
>
> On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot
> after heating." (...and you thought????...)
>
>
> On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
> on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
>
>
> On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car
> or operate machinery after taking this medication."
> (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
> accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> head-colds off those forklifts.)
>
>
> On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
> (and.. .I'm taking this because???....)
>
>
> On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
> outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
>
>
> On a Japane se food processor: "Not to be used for the
> other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
> I'm a bit curious.)
>
>
> On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk
> about a news flash)
>
>
> On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
> Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
> Delta?)
>
>
> On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
> garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
> the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
>
>
> On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain
> with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of
> this happening somewhere?)

--
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
 

Peachy

Banned
Messages
7,449
Role
Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Carer
I love those funny emails that go around the internet for years. The "Only in America"-one I have seen over 10 years ago.

Here's another one:

THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH:
==================================

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure... go ahead" = Do it and die, pal

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! and you better notice

"You're ... so manly" = You need a shave and you smell funky

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!" = I'm on my period

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have too much cellulite

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

"I need new shoes" = the other 40 pairs don't match this new outfit

"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it over there! no wait...

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful (this is NOT the moment for
truth)

"You need to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

"Yes" = No

"No" = No

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"Do you like this recipe?" = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used
to it

"Was that the baby?" = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep

"I'm not yelling!" = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

"All we're going to buy is a soap dish" = It goes without saying that
we're stopping
at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a
few new purses,
and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring
your checkbook?


THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MALE ENGLISH:
==================================

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top