Found out I’m autistic. I guess that explains the diapers...

blissfullyquirky

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A few weeks ago, I started Googling some of my son's behavioral problems and found a few things about autism. Well, I knew that wasn't the problem, but I still looked at it only to rule it out. I knew about the spectrum, but I guess my perception of autism was still the stereotype of nonverbal, low-functioning children. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

I recognized myself in many of the signs and symptoms. There were too many to ignore. I realized that I had been stimming all my life. I understood why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I don't have close friends. I realized why sounds bother me so much and why I avoid noisy and crowded places. All my little quirks suddenly make sense when viewed through the prism of autism. I still don't know how I’m only just finding out about it in my 40’s, given how obvious it seems in retrospect.

I know self-diagnosis is controversial, but I've been very rigorous about it and I've looked at the DSM criteria a dozen times and I have examples for each. I never wanted to be autistic, so diagnosing myself as such isn't something I've taken lightly. For the first week, I couldn't even label myself autistic, I just couldn't go that far, and I decided I would identify as an Aspie. But the more I learn about it, and the more I read about the experiences of other autistic people, the better I understand myself and the more comfortable I feel with calling myself autistic. I'll probably be looking for a formal diagnosis at some point, if only for validation, but right now I'm not sure it's worth spending $2000 for someone to tell me I'm different when it's been painfully obvious all my life.

In many ways, it's a relief to know that my brain is wired differently than most people. And that goes a long way toward explaining why I'm ABDL and why I'm so emotionally immature. I don't know why my special interest couldn't have been dinosaurs instead of diapers, but knowing that I'm autistic really helps me to love the ABDL side of me. It also explains why I like the feeling of being tightly wrapped in a diaper and a onesie. It calms me down and it's my version of a weighted blanket.

It's strange to discover this about myself, but it's also comforting to accept myself as I am. I’m ABDL and autistic. I love my diapers and my teddy bear. I'm weird, but that's okay.
 
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What an exciting moment this must be for you! It's a tough thing to navigate. My brother is on the spectrum, but didn't get diagnosed until adulthood. We all sort of knew, but he flies under the radar most of the time. I display some autistic indicators, but I've never felt the need to get tested.

Getting it properly diagnosed really helped my brother. He enrolled in a program to help him integrate better, and to help him get a job. He manages stress and anxiety much better now. I was always his protector, so it's been a relief to see him become more independent, and to develop better coping mechanisms.

We're best friends. He loves children shows as much as I do, and we bond over cartoons and video games. I've never directly shared my ABDL side with him, but he definitely knows. He's one of the few people I'll wear diapers around. He can be a little childish at times with his interests, but I don't think he's really a regressor like me.

It's okay to be on the spectrum. You're not broken, just different, and we're all different. It makes the world a more colorful place. I have a few very successful friends on the spectrum, and they're a constant source of inspiration. I wish more people where aware of what autism really means, and how common it is. We would all benefit.
 
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there is no potential evidence that people with autism are ABDL but it is true that these people wear diapers at a later age or for life.

I do not rule out that I have autistic traits, this can only be told to me by a health professional, but I think that I would not be prepared to receive the diagnosis either.

If you think that the symptoms and signs of autism that you have match what it says on the internet and you are happy with it, good for you.

Autism is very diverse and many people can imagine a very disabled person due to this fact, the reality is that there is also very mild autism that can go unnoticed until adulthood.
 
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One thing I’ve been getting in therapy is that you can draw lines from one thing to another and call it a “cause”, but in the end, your job is to accept you. This ABDL thing just IS. It doesn’t require justification or even a believable origin story. That provides comfort to some people, but it’s not going to change anything outside of that little bit of comfort (especially to those who think that understanding will break the spell).

That might not be what you’re doing, so I hope this is for someone who needs to hear it, but I think we do spend a lot of energy trying to give our idiosyncrasies a label and a backstory. Be present in your ABDL-ness and in your ASD-ness and you will find more fulfillment.

And congrats on your discovery. I hope it helps you navigate things.
 
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blaincorrous said:
One thing I’ve been getting in therapy is that you can draw lines from one thing to another and call it a “cause”, but in the end, your job is to accept you. This ABDL thing just IS. It doesn’t require justification or even a believable origin story. That provides comfort to some people, but it’s not going to change anything outside of that little bit of comfort (especially to those who think that understanding will break the spell).

That might not be what you’re doing, so I hope this is for someone who needs to hear it, but I think we do spend a lot of energy trying to give our idiosyncrasies a label and a backstory. Be present in your ABDL-ness and in your ASD-ness and you will find more fulfillment.

And congrats on your discovery. I hope it helps you navigate things.
Having the autism label doesn't change much in regards to my being ABDL. I had already come to terms with it and accepted it as part of who I am. I accepted the fact that I was weird and that I might never fully understand why. In fact, I think accepting the ABDL me made it much easier to accept the thought of myself as an autistic person. Not that I'm ever planning to publicly out myself as ABDL, but it is so weird and taboo that being autistic seems normal by comparison.

But yeah, even though it's nice to have more of an explanation for why I like diapers, it doesn't really change anything day to day, and it's not like I'll ever be cured of being ABDL. And I wouldn't want to be cured of it either. I like the ABDL me, and I like the autistic me.

For so many years I thought that if I could figure out what caused me to like diapers that I could finally stop hating myself for it. But then I realized that I couldn't live my life like that anymore, and I accepted my quirks without knowing the cause. And having already accepted myself for who I am, now that I feel like I know the cause (childhood trauma and autism), it doesn't make a huge difference in the way I see myself. Instead of this big, life changing epiphany, I just smile, shake my head in amusement and laugh. That doesn't mean I'm perfect the way I am, but I can still love myself despite my imperfections. And that's a very encouraging and liberating discovery.
 
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I have often wondered if I am not somewhat on the spectrum and if that in way related to my love for diapers. I could see a plausible connection even if it’s nothing more than a coping mechanism when overwhelmed.

I am almost certain that my father is on the spectrum, among other classic signs, he’s a savant with numbers and weather trivia and as an adult I’ve come to recognize how much struggles with executive functioning and social situations.

Though I’m quite socially functional, I often find myself uncomfortable in large crowds or making small talk and quickly grow tired of noisey situations and loud shallow people. I’m also far more fond of trivia about houses and architecture and cars or anything else motorized than a healthy human being. Not in the “I like big flashy things” but in the weirdly obsessive type of way if that makes sense.
 
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blissfullyquirky said:
A few weeks ago, I started Googling some of my son's behavioral problems and found a few things about autism. Well, I knew that wasn't the problem, but I still looked at it only to rule it out. I knew about the spectrum, but I guess my perception of autism was still the stereotype of nonverbal, low-functioning children. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

I recognized myself in many of the signs and symptoms. There were too many to ignore. I realized that I had been stimming all my life. I understood why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I don't have close friends. I realized why sounds bother me so much and why I avoid noisy and crowded places. All my little quirks suddenly make sense when viewed through the prism of autism. I still don't know how I’m only just finding out about it in my 40’s, given how obvious it seems in retrospect.

I know self-diagnosis is controversial, but I've been very rigorous about it and I've looked at the DSM criteria a dozen times and I have examples for each. I never wanted to be autistic, so diagnosing myself as such isn't something I've taken lightly. For the first week, I couldn't even label myself autistic, I just couldn't go that far, and I decided I would identify as an Aspie. But the more I learn about it, and the more I read about the experiences of other autistic people, the better I understand myself and the more comfortable I feel with calling myself autistic. I'll probably be looking for a formal diagnosis at some point, if only for validation, but right now I'm not sure it's worth spending $2000 for someone to tell me I'm different when it's been painfully obvious all my life.

In many ways, it's a relief to know that my brain is wired differently than most people. And that goes a long way toward explaining why I'm ABDL and why I'm so emotionally immature. I don't know why my special interest couldn't have been dinosaurs instead of diapers, but knowing that I'm autistic really helps me to love the ABDL side of me. It also explains why I like the feeling of being tightly wrapped in a diaper and a onesie. It calms me down and it's my version of a weighted blanket.

It's strange to discover this about myself, but it's also comforting to accept myself as I am. I’m ABDL and autistic. I love my diapers and my teddy bear. I'm weird, but that's okay.
first, I’d like to say you are not weird.

My daughter is an adult now and we took her to her pediatrician early and we could not find out why she was having difficulties. The doctor said it was probably OCD and then we should watch it as she grows. After she started college she started seeing a therapist, and she was diagnosed with high functioning ASD. She was very much into dinosaurs, never interested in diapers.

Unfortunately, they. didn’t know much about ASD as they do now.

I have many of the same aspects that you experience. However, I’ve always blamed it on the child sexual abuse that I had.

I’m glad you were able to find out the reason and answers.

My daughters therapist has taught her a lot of techniques, determining social cues, and having friends. She lives far from home now and has many friends and a vibrant social community.

I wish you the best. And take care.
 
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blissfullyquirky said:
A few weeks ago, I started Googling some of my son's behavioral problems and found a few things about autism. Well, I knew that wasn't the problem, but I still looked at it only to rule it out. I knew about the spectrum, but I guess my perception of autism was still the stereotype of nonverbal, low-functioning children. I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

I recognized myself in many of the signs and symptoms. There were too many to ignore. I realized that I had been stimming all my life. I understood why I have such a hard time communicating with people and why I don't have close friends. I realized why sounds bother me so much and why I avoid noisy and crowded places. All my little quirks suddenly make sense when viewed through the prism of autism. I still don't know how I’m only just finding out about it in my 40’s, given how obvious it seems in retrospect.

I know self-diagnosis is controversial, but I've been very rigorous about it and I've looked at the DSM criteria a dozen times and I have examples for each. I never wanted to be autistic, so diagnosing myself as such isn't something I've taken lightly. For the first week, I couldn't even label myself autistic, I just couldn't go that far, and I decided I would identify as an Aspie. But the more I learn about it, and the more I read about the experiences of other autistic people, the better I understand myself and the more comfortable I feel with calling myself autistic. I'll probably be looking for a formal diagnosis at some point, if only for validation, but right now I'm not sure it's worth spending $2000 for someone to tell me I'm different when it's been painfully obvious all my life.

In many ways, it's a relief to know that my brain is wired differently than most people. And that goes a long way toward explaining why I'm ABDL and why I'm so emotionally immature. I don't know why my special interest couldn't have been dinosaurs instead of diapers, but knowing that I'm autistic really helps me to love the ABDL side of me. It also explains why I like the feeling of being tightly wrapped in a diaper and a onesie. It calms me down and it's my version of a weighted blanket.

It's strange to discover this about myself, but it's also comforting to accept myself as I am. I’m ABDL and autistic. I love my diapers and my teddy bear. I'm weird, but that's okay.
With the exception of stimming I have everyone of those things you mentioned, I'm not autistic.
Imo autism today is thrown around like ADHD was in the late 90s to whenever autism became the new label.
Kid doesn't want to socialize. Autism. Kid can make eye contact. Autism.
Kid refuses to use the potty. Autism.
Kid is hyperactive. Autism.

Listen I'm not denying there is autism, but geez can't ppl understand that kids and adults are individuals too and each has their very own personality and quirks. It doesn't mean they are "something". Just because one sees the signs some professional say are symptoms of autism doesn't mean they have autism.
I could go on Google and search any disease and I'll have some of the symptoms of particular diseases but that doesn't mean I have the disease.

Get professional opinions by more than one clinical specialist.
I was diagnosed as bipolar back in the early 2000s. I was prescribed Depakote. I God damn ready to kill. 2nd diagnosis was negative, same with the 3rd.

Let's stop labeling ourselves because all labels can be peeled off.
 
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Are you me?
Your description of your indicators matches mine almost exactly. Only in the last 12 months have I fully come to realize that I’m probably autistic. I need to stop putting it off and make that phone call to get evaluated.
But it’s validating to realize that there a reason you‘re the way you are, right? It explains so much doesn’t it?
I’m 51 so don’t beat yourself up for not recognizing it earlier.
 
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Can confirm I am an autistic diaper lover.

Granted, when I was diagnosed with "asperger's" (FYI, Hans Asperger was a Nazi, which is why we don't like that term anymore. I'll only use it to explain the era I was diagnosed in) I had enough sense not to tell anyone that I had an obsession with peeing and pooping. But I also know that I'm not the only person here with autism.
 
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I am officially diagnosed Autistic at age 47.
Age 64 now.
I have alway had quite juvenile interests.
Toy cars and trucks.
LEGO.
Plushies.
 
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Nowididit said:
With the exception of stimming I have everyone of those things you mentioned, I'm not autistic.
Imo autism today is thrown around like ADHD was in the late 90s to whenever autism became the new label.
Kid doesn't want to socialize. Autism. Kid can make eye contact. Autism.
Kid refuses to use the potty. Autism.
Kid is hyperactive. Autism.

Listen I'm not denying there is autism, but geez can't ppl understand that kids and adults are individuals too and each has their very own personality and quirks. It doesn't mean they are "something". Just because one sees the signs some professional say are symptoms of autism doesn't mean they have autism.
I could go on Google and search any disease and I'll have some of the symptoms of particular diseases but that doesn't mean I have the disease.

Get professional opinions by more than one clinical specialist.
I was diagnosed as bipolar back in the early 2000s. I was prescribed Depakote. I God damn ready to kill. 2nd diagnosis was negative, same with the 3rd.

Let's stop labeling ourselves because all labels can be peeled off.
I find this extremely dismissive.

Imagine that you’ve always been different, the weirdo, you’ve never understood your world and don’t understand why. You barely survived adolescence. You don’t click with 99% of people. You’ve never been able to form healthy relationships. You look around and realize that you’re alone in the world and just can’t relate. Even rudimentary social interactions are a struggle. But you’re smart AF and after a lifetime of putting up with the chaos that the rest of the world is, you’ve managed to fuck yourself up inside because you think you’re broken. That’s just the surface stuff. I won’t even go into the deeper neurological things that drive us. The emotional and psychological toll that takes is enormous. As a result you‘ve had periods of your life where you can barely function.

What’s wrong with a label (even self imposed) if it helps bring understanding and relief?

I agree on some level with what you‘re saying - it seems to get thrown around a lot but that doesn’t make it any less validating. That just means that seeking a diagnosis is important, so you can begin to understand yourself.

I struggled with using the label for myself, and I still haven’t taken on that label because I don’t know, I have not been evaluated. I was, however, diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and as an adult, and that is on the neurodivergent spectrum. Either way, I know I’m different, and I’m not talking personality trait different, I’m talking we’re on a whole other road different. So diagnosis or not, I’m finding a sense of understanding and healing in being able to acknowledge that I’m neurodivergent. And it’s been helping me recognize the traits and work on them.

You sound bitter. Why do you care if someone attaches to a label?
 
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IDKaLittle said:
I find this extremely dismissive.

Imagine that you’ve always been different, the weirdo, you’ve never understood your world and don’t understand why. You barely survived adolescence. You don’t click with 99% of people. You’ve never been able to form healthy relationships. You look around and realize that you’re alone in the world and just can’t relate. Even rudimentary social interactions are a struggle. But you’re smart AF and after a lifetime of putting up with the chaos that the rest of the world is, you’ve managed to fuck yourself up inside because you think you’re broken. That’s just the surface stuff. I won’t even go into the deeper neurological things that drive us. The emotional and psychological toll that takes is enormous. As a result you‘ve had periods of your life where you can barely function.

What’s wrong with a label (even self imposed) if it helps bring understanding and relief?

I agree on some level with what you‘re saying - it seems to get thrown around a lot but that doesn’t make it any less validating. That just means that seeking a diagnosis is important, so you can begin to understand yourself.

I struggled with using the label for myself, and I still haven’t taken on that label because I don’t know, I have not been evaluated. I was, however, diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and as an adult, and that is on the neurodivergent spectrum. Either way, I know I’m different, and I’m not talking personality trait different, I’m talking we’re on a whole other road different. So diagnosis or not, I’m finding a sense of understanding and healing in being able to acknowledge that I’m neurodivergent. And it’s been helping me recognize the traits and work on them.

You sound bitter. Why do you care if someone attaches to a label?
Don't look at as being extremely dismissive, I dont mean to be.
I didn't say that autism doesn't exist I said before one labels themselves they should be clinically examined then clinically diagnosed.

Imagine that I can identify with all you stated? I do. Everything you wrote I can relate to. I'm not autistic.

Anyone can attach a label to themselves, I really don't care. In today's society it's like a badge of honor to have a label. I'm just saying labels can be peeled off.

BTW this is my opinion. It's just an opinion. You seem bitter too. Why does it bother you that I have an opinion? Am I not allowed?
 
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Nowididit said:
Don't look at as being extremely dismissive, I dont mean to be.
I didn't say that autism doesn't exist I said before one labels themselves they should be clinically examined then clinically diagnosed.

Imagine that I can identify with all you stated? I do. Everything you wrote I can relate to. I'm not autistic.

Anyone can attach a label to themselves, I really don't care. In today's society it's like a badge of honor to have a label. I'm just saying labels can be peeled off.

BTW this is my opinion. It's just an opinion. You seem bitter too. Why does it bother you that I have an opinion? Am I not allowed?
You could say I’m bitter. It‘s only recently that I‘ve started to come to terms with how much this has derailed my life. So I’m still working through it. I felt invalidated and that’s why I reacted the way I did. I’m sure you didn’t mean to be dismissive but that’s how it felt.

Absolutely you’re entitled to an opinion. It doesn’t bother me that you have an opinion. I’m bothered by what I wrote in the previous paragraph. That’s on me but I’m still gonna call someone out when I feel they‘re out of line, and what you wrote was a straight up rant. When I hear you say that you relate to all that and you’re not autistic, I’m hearing you say that I shouldn’t be either. That’s not your call to make. Maybe I‘m reading my own shit into it but that’s still what I hear.

I agree that one should be evaluated before attaching to a label. But I don’t understand what you mean when you say a label can be peeled off.
 
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Nowididit said:
With the exception of stimming I have everyone of those things you mentioned, I'm not autistic.
Imo autism today is thrown around like ADHD was in the late 90s to whenever autism became the new label.
Kid doesn't want to socialize. Autism. Kid can make eye contact. Autism.
Kid refuses to use the potty. Autism.
Kid is hyperactive. Autism.

Listen I'm not denying there is autism, but geez can't ppl understand that kids and adults are individuals too and each has their very own personality and quirks. It doesn't mean they are "something". Just because one sees the signs some professional say are symptoms of autism doesn't mean they have autism.
I could go on Google and search any disease and I'll have some of the symptoms of particular diseases but that doesn't mean I have the disease.

Get professional opinions by more than one clinical specialist.
I was diagnosed as bipolar back in the early 2000s. I was prescribed Depakote. I God damn ready to kill. 2nd diagnosis was negative, same with the 3rd.

Let's stop labeling ourselves because all labels can be peeled off.
ADHD & ASD are linked together so go read up on them and you'll see the relationship of ADHD & ASD.

you'll have your mind blown once you wrap it around those subjects.
 
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blissfullyquirky said:
I know self-diagnosis is controversial, but I've been very rigorous about it and I've looked at the DSM criteria a dozen times and I have examples for each. I never wanted to be autistic, so diagnosing myself as such isn't something I've taken lightly.
Self-diagnosing is actually pretty common in the autistic community because evaluations are expensive, have long wait times, and are hard to access. Additionally, you can actually be discriminated against for having an autism diagnosis, so some people don't want to be evaluated for it for that reason. Lastly, some people don't feel evaluations are worth it for autism because unlike, say, ADHD, you aren't going to use your diagnosis from an evaluation to seek medication from a psychiatrist. So as long as you've done your research (which it sounds like you have), your informed self diagnosis is okay!

I've never been diagnosed myself (I'm actually about to be evaluated for ADHD and autism very soon; super excited!), but multiple autistic friends of mine tell me they think I'm autistic. A common thing for us autistic people is we find others with autism to act "normal" and neurotypical people are those who act "weird," ha ha. I relate a lot about stimming; I love rubbing my head against pillows and playing with my hands or pencils or fabrics. A weird thing I do is I'll make sound effects while I do things, ha ha. Other signs I have is I was extremely picky growing up, couldn't stand tags on clothes, and to this day I hate light and love things to be dark as possible. So I used to not think I have sensory issues, but I do. And another way I relate to you is that I struggle in group gatherings unless it's with other neurodivergent people. I've gotten a lot better at socializing over time, so I'm more comfortable with it now depending on the context. But big parties are still definitely not for me.

I totally relate in that I think me being autistic partly influenced me into being ABDL. I'm extremely sensitive, and I still have that childlike wonder that I notice a lot of people lost. I get super excited easily about things I love (especially my special interests.) And when I get super excited, it makes me feel a bit little. I think diapers being so comforting also feels a bit autistic-y in that it's a routine that makes me feel supported and okay. I have trauma from my parents telling me to grow up, and that can be damaging to even low-support autistic people like me who still need that extra support as they transition into adulthood. My little side makes me feel loved and supported in a way my parents didn't provide. So I think the fact that autistic people may need extra support can lean into why feeling little is tempting.

Of course, many autistic people aren't ABDL and vice versa, but I bet there's some overlap in the communities similar to how there's overlap in the trans and neurodivergent communities.
 
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Nowididit said:
With the exception of stimming I have everyone of those things you mentioned, I'm not autistic.
Imo autism today is thrown around like ADHD was in the late 90s to whenever autism became the new label.
Kid doesn't want to socialize. Autism. Kid can make eye contact. Autism.
Kid refuses to use the potty. Autism.
Kid is hyperactive. Autism.

Listen I'm not denying there is autism, but geez can't ppl understand that kids and adults are individuals too and each has their very own personality and quirks. It doesn't mean they are "something". Just because one sees the signs some professional say are symptoms of autism doesn't mean they have autism.
I could go on Google and search any disease and I'll have some of the symptoms of particular diseases but that doesn't mean I have the disease.

Get professional opinions by more than one clinical specialist.
I was diagnosed as bipolar back in the early 2000s. I was prescribed Depakote. I God damn ready to kill. 2nd diagnosis was negative, same with the 3rd.

Let's stop labeling ourselves because all labels can be peeled off.
IMO, this reads as uneducated about both autism and ADHD. Symptoms are symptoms, but it's more the collection of the symptoms plus the way one processes life that makes one autistic. Self-dxing is common in the community for autism. It's different than a medical disorder where of course you need a doctor to diagnose you so you can get treatement. With autism, an evaluation in the end is an educated guess on how your mind works, and with autism being spectrum, one can get an educated opinion about whether their brain matches the autism community.
 
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Nowididit said:
With the exception of stimming I have everyone of those things you mentioned, I'm not autistic.
Imo autism today is thrown around like ADHD was in the late 90s to whenever autism became the new label.
Kid doesn't want to socialize. Autism. Kid can make eye contact. Autism.
Kid refuses to use the potty. Autism.
Kid is hyperactive. Autism.

Listen I'm not denying there is autism, but geez can't ppl understand that kids and adults are individuals too and each has their very own personality and quirks. It doesn't mean they are "something". Just because one sees the signs some professional say are symptoms of autism doesn't mean they have autism.
I could go on Google and search any disease and I'll have some of the symptoms of particular diseases but that doesn't mean I have the disease.

Get professional opinions by more than one clinical specialist.
I was diagnosed as bipolar back in the early 2000s. I was prescribed Depakote. I God damn ready to kill. 2nd diagnosis was negative, same with the 3rd.

Let's stop labeling ourselves because all labels can be peeled off.
Certain lables are permenant and can not be peeled off so thats an invalid opinion.

Well being on the ASD spectrum or even Bipolar or schetzso are all EXAMPLES of perma lables. Theres many more lables that are permenant that I didnt list .
 
medfet878 said:
ADHD & ASD are linked together so go read up on them and you'll see the relationship of ADHD & ASD.

you'll have your mind blown once you wrap it around those subjects.
I did not know this. Thank you! To the google machine…
 
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I blame my ABDL on my autism. It has something to do with the fixation on the childhood trigger and as well the sensual part of wearing and using a diaper. The AB part is mostly a more recent development for me, it is more part of stimming as well as comfort/withdraw from issues. I don't have all the words to describe it but for me I've fully accepted my ABDL as part of me and I use it to aid my mental wellbeing. I also think that those with autism are slightly more predisposed to being in diapers longer then those without and that tends to lead those memories later in childhood and which case means it can be remembered. This is kind of like my case, but specifically bedwetting and plastic pants instead of diapers. But I think the idiosyncrasies of most autistic people lend slightly in the favor of one developing a "diaper fixation" then the neurotypical population.

I was officially diagnosed with AS in 2005 or 2006 I think, it hasn't done much for me. I still function in society minimally, so I can't really claim any recognized disability from it. If you think you are and you are thinking of a diagnoses, know that it might not help you. You would have to weigh the cost vs potential future benefits. Though, at least I know the reason I am a failure.
 
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