First time in a long while & weird occurences

Kenopsia

Formerly RainbowConnection
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I haven't worn anything diaper-ish for a long time now (well, I don't remember how long, I could've done the same thing a few months ago... but it's been a while and I've felt it). But this morning I just... it was the most spontaneous thing. I barely even thought about it.

I just jumped up, dug into my bin, found an old goodnite I bought a long while ago that doesn't even really fit me quite right, and I... well, my primary fetish is messing, so yeah. I had to go, so that's why I jumped out to put it on. But even now, it's still not really like that just yet. It still is in the background, of course, it's inevitable, but... it's moreso a really deeply emotional thing at the moment. Everything just feels... Kinda nice, idk, it's hard to tell. Because the minute afterward, I started shaking. Violently shaking. It was uncontrollable. I only just stopped as I started typing this, but for a few minutes there, I was just... I have no idea why that happened. Maybe adrenaline overload, or something? Overstimulation?

But now I'm just laying stomach first on my bed, and I just... Well, I don't know how I feel. It's a very physically sensual thing, and of course it's still a fetish, but that aspect seems to have taken a bit of a backburner at this current moment. This has happened before, of course, but I still find it interesting. Now that I've stopped shaking, I feel almost a little peaceful (?). I almost wonder if I want to curl back up into bed for a bit. Of course, I'm sure my focus will shift eventually, and it'll become what messing typically is for me. But I haven't actually done any of this in a while, I haven't felt like this in a while... Idk.

I'm very conflicted and confused. Why this morning, when I've denied it every other so far? Basically right when I woke up, too. But I'll leave it off here. I hope I haven't left too much information -- please let me know if I have and I'll delete parts of my post accordingly. I'm not very good at this stuff.
 
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Of course... once again, all I can feel is shame. It was actually more of an emotional/ adrenaline thing the few times I tried messing on hiking trails in the past, and too. It only became "s---ual" again afterward, for the most part (I mean, of course it always is, but I guess I mean just what was more present in my conscious mind in the moment). I would just double underwear up for that. And while I'm outside, these are public hiking trails, and I could come across anyone... I've gone right by people sometimes, sometimes because it was my only choice, sometimes because I felt daring. I remember walking past on couple one time. I forget if I tied a sweatshirt around my waist before or after I passed them. And then, just down the path, a group of kids came walking. I made a detour off the trail to walk around them, but still. There are more occurences like this, even in the very limited times I attempted this activity.

And while my goal isn't to be seen by anyone -- I wanted to keep it a secret -- I'm still in a public area and I must assumed I was perceived by someone, either a mark I accidentally left while foolishly sitting on a bridge, or a whiff of something... idk. This is why I count it a failure. Misconduct of my stupid fetish. I must have affected someone, and this is a vile, disgusting evil.

I know I've talked about this on ADISC before. I know I've probably talked about my other stuff on here, too (got trapped in the garage between my brother and cousin while messy after I'd been walking on my family's property, someone else's property I have permission to cross through, and the road, they never knew but they smelled something off at one point while chatting with me; my stupid habit of pulling down my pants to take pics of my diaper while outside in my yard, public trail I thought would be abandoned, etc.; Going to pick up pizza while leaking and very wet, but assuming it's hidden due to the rain and my black shorts; trespassing on private property (multiple times one one, once in another) to do terribly lewd things with a specific object; and whatever else I've forgotten that's also probably already talked about on here a thousand times over).

...No, I know talking about it is just obsessive. But what these thoughts do accomplish is making me realize again that I don't deserve to enjoy any of this. Diapers, and the like. I messed up many times. I did many risky, stupid things that could have done real damage. How can I trust myself to be safe? How do I trust myself with my dumb interests, fetish, and so on? Regardless, the memories tell me I shouldn't be allowed to have any diaper or messing experiences ever again. I ruined it.
 
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It hasn’t happened to me in a while but I know what you mean. I would suddenly wake up at 2am and immediately have that craving to pull on a pair of Gerber Toddler plastic training pants.
 
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RainbowConnection said:
My primary fetish is messing.
My fetish also is messing. The following information applies.

Can You Get Rid Of A Fetish?​

Sex IDK
In this week's Sex IDK column, Emma McGowan, certified sex educator and writer, answers your questions about how to get rid of fetishes.

Q: Can I fix fetishes I've developed?
Let’s start with the basics: What is a fetish? According to Merriam Webster, a fetish is “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification.” In other words, it’s an object or body part that someone needs around in order to get off. Often — but not always — a fetish is something that the majority of people don’t find sexual. For example, someone might be really into cooking spatulas for spanking. On the flip side, lots of people fetishize more traditionally “sexy” items, like stockings, corsets, shoes, etc.
When it comes to sexual desires, fetishes are often considered to be “fringe,” “abnormal,” or even “weird,” despite the fact that they’re actually more common than not. (Some surveys of sexual behavior even suggest that a high majority of people have at least one fetish.) Hello, sex-negative culture!

Here's the deal: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a sexual fetish. (With the caveat, of course, that everyone involved is a consenting adult, and no one is unwillingly hurt.) Are you going to understand everyone’s fetish? Probably not. Are you going to be turned on by everyone’s fetish? Nope. But unless you’re having sex with that person, it really doesn’t affect you. And who are you to deny someone their best orgasms?

There’s also no way to “get rid” of a fetish, despite what some forums will tell you. The current science states that fetishes are usually developed in childhood and are an innate part of a person’s sexuality. Similar to sexual orientation, it’s not something that can be changed.
But, Reader, I understand that you — like all of us — live in a sex-negative culture. And sex-negative culture says that fetishes are weird or creepy or whatever shaming adjective you want to add. So, what are you supposed to do with these fetishes that are causing you distress?

The first thing I suggest is that you try reframing how you think about your fetishes. You can start this process on your own by really asking yourself: What’s actually wrong with this desire? Does it being uncommon make it bad? Am I hurting anyone? Could I find a community of other people who are into this fetish? Could this fetish actually be adding something cool and interesting to my life?

Reframing harmful narratives that we’ve been fed our whole lives is really, really hard. So, luckily, there’s a whole group of professionals who can help: Therapists! Find a sex-positive therapist and start working with them to accept this part of yourself. A good place to start is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Trainers (AASECT). If you choose to find one elsewhere, just be sure that they’re sex-positive. There are therapists out there who believe that people can get rid of their fetishes, but be wary of that approach — most sex-positive therapists consider it unethical.
 
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