FETLIFE Is still full of assholes

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Bartolome

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Every time I try to make a personal ad, these jerks come along and antagonize me until I look like the asshole, then insult my intelligence, my integrity, my sanity, everything! I just want to make a good impression on a woman who's not repulsed by ABDL but these people are ruining it for me and the caretaker mods don't consider it harassment at all, sons of bitches. I want to meet a girl and fetlife is my only chance to find a girl who's ABDL-tolerant. But I barely get along with anyone there and I feel like a total alien in that crowd. People say I ostracize myself but I don't understand how. I'm just LONELY and want to know that I can still have a family one day and a healthy romantic and sexual relationship despite being ABDL.
 

incontinentGM24

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Given previous experience, are you sure that posting those type of ads is the right idea for you? You do not seem to have a whole lot of luck when it comes to these things. Even these forums things tend to fall apart for you very quickly. Not every service is for every person. Perhaps the personal ad thing just is not your cup of tea.
 

Ladyfur

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Don't despair! Fetlife isn't the only way to meet someone. I'm here to learn how to be a better caretaker for my abdl fiancé and we met and dated in a pretty much normal way. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who has NO idea of his little kink and it's worked out great.

You're more than just your kink, right? Find someone who loves you for you and there is a good chance it will work out for you. There are a lot of kink tolerant people out there who would never think of looking on Fetlife.
 

LittleRK

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In all fairness, we can't really decide who is being an asshole, based on the fact that we don't know how your ads/conversations have panned out on that site. Maybe there is some recurring thought in your posts on that site which other people find too forward or intimidating, maybe they find find it downright offensive? I only used fetlife for about a week, but I found that while it is a social media type of site based around fetishes, you shouldn't push any boundaries. Your best bet is to just try and make friends, don't harass women (Chances are they are harassed by a pile of creeps on that site), and just show them that you are a normal functioning guy with a kink.

Often times in this fetish, making a few friends is what will lead you to ultimately finding someone you can have a long term relationship with, just chat with people and get to know them. Don't spring forward and beg them to be your mommy etc. Your fetish should take a backseat when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship. If you find someone you click with, just try and take things slow, eventually you will get to the point where you can disclose your fetish and not be run out of town by an angry mob.

Another tip: Go to a meetup in your area and show people what you are all about (respectfully), it's hard to convey your thoughts and intentions via the internet, so maybe that is how you keep getting off on the wrong foot? Go to the meet, it doesn't have to be a huge gathering, and just talk; that's all. Get to know these human beings and respect them, then when you feel comfortable that you have made some friends and are having an enjoyable time, just enjoy yourself. Let things flow on their own and don't try to force it, there is someone out there for you, but forcing these situations is counter-productive.

-Ron
 

Bartolome

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Given previous experience, are you sure that posting those type of ads is the right idea for you? You do not seem to have a whole lot of luck when it comes to these things. Even these forums things tend to fall apart for you very quickly. Not every service is for every person. Perhaps the personal ad thing just is not your cup of tea.

I just want to meet an ABDL tolerant woman

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Don't despair! Fetlife isn't the only way to meet someone. I'm here to learn how to be a better caretaker for my abdl fiancé and we met and dated in a pretty much normal way. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who has NO idea of his little kink and it's worked out great.

You're more than just your kink, right? Find someone who loves you for you and there is a good chance it will work out for you. There are a lot of kink tolerant people out there who would never think of looking on Fetlife.

Don't take this the wrong way, I am happy for you an to know there are ladies like you, but that is one incredible stroke of luck. How did you first react when he revealed that he was ABDL? Also, personal question, ignore it if need be, but can he have sex normally or is he like me, unable to get it up unless it's to ABDL stuff? (I have tried unsuccessfully to change that but it's not changing, I have to meet an ABDL tolerant woman and I have to meet her before I get so old that I can't enjoy youthful romance anymore? I'm already 28. I don't want to be 35 or 40 and stuck with diaper sites instead of a woman.

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In all fairness, we can't really decide who is being an asshole, based on the fact that we don't know how your ads/conversations have panned out on that site. Maybe there is some recurring thought in your posts on that site which other people find too forward or intimidating, maybe they find find it downright offensive? I only used fetlife for about a week, but I found that while it is a social media type of site based around fetishes, you shouldn't push any boundaries. Your best bet is to just try and make friends, don't harass women (Chances are they are harassed by a pile of creeps on that site), and just show them that you are a normal functioning guy with a kink.

Often times in this fetish, making a few friends is what will lead you to ultimately finding someone you can have a long term relationship with, just chat with people and get to know them. Don't spring forward and beg them to be your mommy etc. Your fetish should take a backseat when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship. If you find someone you click with, just try and take things slow, eventually you will get to the point where you can disclose your fetish and not be run out of town by an angry mob.

-Ron

EDITED- I apologize, I totally misread what you wrote
 
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So would I. But I've come to realize that women who either accept, or are into the whole abdl thing are far rarer than men. I'd say it's at least a 5 to 1 ratio.

And yes I agree. There are a lot of assholes on fetlife.
 

Bartolome

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Don't despair! Fetlife isn't the only way to meet someone. I'm here to learn how to be a better caretaker for my abdl fiancé and we met and dated in a pretty much normal way. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who has NO idea of his little kink and it's worked out great.

You're more than just your kink, right? Find someone who loves you for you and there is a good chance it will work out for you. There are a lot of kink tolerant people out there who would never think of looking on Fetlife.

I tell myself that all the time but then I ask for people's advice and they skewer that notion, so I am frustrated not knowing what to believe.

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So would I. But I've come to realize that women who either accept, or are into the whole abdl thing are far rarer than men. I'd say it's at least a 5 to 1 ratio.

It's worse than that.

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Given previous experience, are you sure that posting those type of ads is the right idea for you? You do not seem to have a whole lot of luck when it comes to these things. Even these forums things tend to fall apart for you very quickly. Not every service is for every person. Perhaps the personal ad thing just is not your cup of tea.

I'm desperate and spreading my oats. I resisted being part of fetlife for a LONG time because I thought it was too similar to facebook and I was right, I'm getting drawn in and my insecurities are getting hyped up by it. But it's also real life orgs associated with fetlife. I just can't seem to make a good impression, especialy on the BDSM feminists who run it and don't understand what it means to be a lonely, single, male AB.

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I can't deal with thinking of the numbers game, 5-1, or whatever. I'm just going to lose out like I always lose. If there's a girl out there for me, she's probably halfway across the world or she's already taken. Or, and forgive me for being shallow, she could be physically repulsive.
 

EPO1

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Meet people (women) out there in the real world - be an amazing person in real life...
I bet that you have a LOT more to offer than only the ABDL stuff, and I'm not talking about sex.
Are you a good listener? a good home-chef? funny? can you take care of another person in difficult times? I guess you have hobbies? sports? traveling? etc...
There must be more, a lot more than just ABDL in your life?
And a RELATIONSHIP is rarely about Sex and Sex alone.
also there's a boat load of other options to please your female partner sexually aside from using your penis...

So you've got a "serious kink" - so what? People are weird... if YOU are openminded and accepting / indulging with whatever the other person has, there's a good chance it will work both ways.
Maybe your future partner will not be into ABDL - maybe it isn't her thing... maybe she will occasionally play along or do so more often if it is something you need... if you can give something in return, be good company, etc... it will work out.
And just as with everything else, there is never a guarantee with a relationship that it will work... and kinks are the least problem often.
Most of the time if a relationship breaks up and the kink is blamed for it, it is often a scapegoat for a bunch of other problems that only have been topped off nicely by the presence of kink-stuff.
Also if KINK-stuff becomes the omnipotent factor by which you define yourself, the one thing you demand and the only facet of interest, well ANY relationship will be by 99.905% doomed - kinky person or not.
A Relationship is a bit more complex than just finding a compatible kinkster.

Fetlife... people have dated, fornicated, loved, hated, gotten married, divorced, OTS, etc.. long before fetlife came to existence... how did they do this????
Honestly, if FetLife isn't working for you for whatever reason - go by other means... REAL WORLD, outdoors, everyday life.
The way people have met each other for centuries past.

To sum it up your problem isn't FetLife, your Problem isn't your ABDL Side or the inability to perform sexually without ABDL Stuff present - your problem is your focus, your fixiation on the need for your partner to be ABDL to be into it...
And frankly this way, your chances are slim.
Stop defining yourself through only your kink side - you are bound to be more than just those simple four letters.
Find someone who loves YOU - the PERSON... ... and if she's openminded and you are too.. if both are willing to go the extra mile for each other, then the kink will not be an issue.
 

Bartolome

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lol I have too much dignity for that

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Good advice, EP01. Hard to hear, some of it, but good.

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But just to be clear, I don't insist she be into it, I know that' s a slim chance, I want to meet a woman who tolerates it because she loves me. That's all. Sorry if I wasnt clear before.
 

LittleRK

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EDITED- I apologize, I totally misread what you wrote

Sorry if what I wrote came across as offensive, the "creep" stuff was not aimed at you. I could have worded what I said in a better fashion and I'm sorry if it was misinterpreted, that is my fault.
 

Bartolome

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It's ok. The conversations I have here on ADISC are a LOT less heated than on fetlife. People here are just NICER. Maybe ABDLs are just nicer t than your average kinkster.

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Given previous experience, are you sure that posting those type of ads is the right idea for you? You do not seem to have a whole lot of luck when it comes to these things. Even these forums things tend to fall apart for you very quickly. Not every service is for every person. Perhaps the personal ad thing just is not your cup of tea.

I apologize if it seemed like I was ignoring your advice, it's just a hard idea to give up on when as a single ABDL male you have SO FEW OPTIONS besides dying alone logged into a diaper site (sorry getting depressed again)
 

EPO1

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Good advice, EP01. Hard to hear, some of it, but good.

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But just to be clear, I don't insist she be into it, I know that' s a slim chance, I want to meet a woman who tolerates it because she loves me. That's all. Sorry if I wasnt clear before.

Glad it is of some use - the advice...

to the other part...
Even better - because if you heed what I said before about focusing on the HUMAN RELATIONSHIP, I guess it's actually easy to find a TOLERANT partner - far easier than finding one who does enjoy a specific kink.
My point is - stuff like that goes both ways, and it does not stop at sexual issues - being tolerant towards your partners needs / desires / life goals / etc...
If you have a good relationship, not based only on mutual sexual pleasure but actually on the PERSONAL LEVEL - loving the PERSON not just the SEX... being tolerant of the other ones needs / kinks is pretty simple.
But if you present yourself as being defined BY THE KINK, just being ONLY ABDL, etc... you will make it really difficult for anyone else to be tolerant towards it, because suddenly you have turned a "non-issue" into the biggest obstacle.
if the ABDL Stuff is just ONE ASPECT of your entire personality - even if it's your sexual main preference - and you're gentle about introducing it then I really believe that (almost) anyone who has genuine feelings for you can be accepting.
Sure there will always be exceptions - that is with kinks or no kinks...
 

Ladyfur

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Don't take this the wrong way, I am happy for you an to know there are ladies like you, but that is one incredible stroke of luck. How did you first react when he revealed that he was ABDL? Also, personal question, ignore it if need be, but can he have sex normally or is he like me, unable to get it up unless it's to ABDL stuff? (I have tried unsuccessfully to change that but it's not changing, I have to meet an ABDL tolerant woman and I have to meet her before I get so old that I can't enjoy youthful romance anymore? I'm already 28. I don't want to be 35 or 40 and stuck with diaper sites instead of a woman.

I was very, very surprised when I found out about the abdl thing. I'm not unfamiliar with the bsdm scene, but I just didn't see it coming. He coughed it up about two months before the wedding. I did some research, decided it could be a lot of fun, and bought him a nice custom paci and some Star Wars footie pajamas.

I find it to actually be a sort of sweet loving sort of kink, and it makes him really happy.

As for the sex, at first there were some issues...it took longer to get to a state of proper arousal, but it happened, and after a few months it wasn't a problem anymore. In retrospect it made sense. Who knew you could induce a hard on by shaking a diaper at a guy with a raised eyebrow?

I think reddit has an abdl personals subreddit. When dating you should get an idea if she's kink tolerant during conversation, and you can see where it goes from there. Good luck!
 

Bartolome

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out of desperation I will check out reddit. I've avoided it so far as part of "the new internet" I have trouble digesting. Thank you for the tip, and the in depth explanation. So you guys hadn't had sex before marriage I assume?
 

EPO1

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Maybe ABDLs are just nicer t than your average kinkster.

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I wouldn't say that - Don't "look down" yourself onto the "average kinkster" ;)

The problem is people are often afraid or repulsed or both by stuff they do not understand.
The problem with ABDL Stuff is it's misinterpretation by many to be related to kiddy porn - and even if not the "Adult Baby" aspect is antagonizing the very definition of what a grown adult MAN should be in a social-norm-context.
Diapers on their own are looked down on with a huge frown - they're grouse. People are bloody afraid of diapers to some degree ;) because they fear the day when they will loose control in old age and be dependent on diapers and the loss of dignity and independence they thus represent. Whilst the reality of dealing with IC is quite different then most people will think... it is still diapers, pee... yuck.

Latex, leather, plastic, BDSM, etc.. is "SO OK" because it's all "ADULT" and it has become far more mainstream than say 20 years ago... ABDL stuff is just "weird".

So of course when you voice your concerns amongst like minded people the feedback will, ultimately be kinder than if you walk into a mainstream kink area and be the weird ONE.

One of the reasons why I do like ADISC, why I participate here far more than in any IC related forums is simply this:
most IC folks I've met / come to know over the years, and the stereotype present at IC Forums, support groups (Real Person meet ups, as well as forums) is that ANYONE of "US" (IC) who chooses to use diapers and isn't 75 at least is a fucking freak. an abomination, a lost cause or a pervert.
Still the products are being used, but it is being seen as a defeat, a last resort, a failure in itself by not going with any other option.



As to your original issue (Finding a special someone)...
I would like to add the following:
When I was in my mid teens and started to get interested in girls it was really awkward for myself due to my IC issues, the bedwetting, the diapers, pads, etc... I could not imagine, how ANY Girl would want to be with me...
At that time I was personally really struggling with myself - struggling torn between the need for love, the need to be wanted / feeling warmth, human respect, etc... the awoken fury of my sexual desires, the insecurities of puberty in general, the LIKING of diapers, the hating of diapers, the loathing of the broken function of my body, the lack of control, the frustration, etc.
All that self-hate and insecurity transpired into my person, subconsciously of course. I was not aware that all those feelings would communicate a certain message to the world around me.
The only thing I felt I had "in favor" for myself was my physical appearance - I was (and still am, this is something that is important to me, very important) really fit. I work(ed) out a lot even then... I compensated (maybe still do, but I genuinely love sports).
But it made stuff even more difficult - I was superficially a physical "model body" six-pack swinging and all, but if you started to peel of the shell (clothing) there would have been diapers, wet underwear, etc... wet beds, yikes.
Then comes the psychological person: my "take on the world and myself"... the self hate, the inability to love myself at the time.
All that made it I guess really difficult for another person to open up to me, to love me. It took me a while to realize all that, it took the help of what I would say a very gifted therapist to help me understand and unlock the problem and start to work on the core of the problem - self acceptance, focus, etc.
I had a few "early" Sexual encounters and whilst not bad not great either - I never got romantically involved - I used my physical appearance as a lure and played perfect asshole after I got the sex. I used all medical tricks in my book at the time to basically "hide" the IC issues during those brief moments... but it certainly didn't make me happy.
Then I learned to not define myself through the IC, diapers etc... I learned to love who I am, I got stronger on an emotional level, secure, open. And my approach to people and the world changed - dramatically.
I've made new friends, I was more outgoing, I met girls, some I liked, some liked me... and then I met my SO... we've now been together for over 12 years.
Trust me when I say it wasn't always easy - in the beginning, when it came to Sex I was really NERVOUS,.. not because of my abilities to perform... no - but because of the IC.
I had told her, she knew, she was "OK" with it - after all to that point it did not really bother her... but when we got naked (I remember to this day, I had removed the pad before, went to the toilet etc...) I soaked my undies slightly.
I was SO embarrassed - but you know what, she didn't care.... why? well because she loved me - and I got over it quickly... becuase I loved her.

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When dating you should get an idea if she's kink tolerant during conversation, and you can see where it goes from there. Good luck!

This is one of the problems I see with online-dating in general. People are so quick at drawing up check-lists, preferences, etc...
if you meet someone the traditional way, talk, have fun, get to know the person gradually without the silk-screen called internet to shield your personality to some degree and be far more "open" about target-aspects which can drive people away....
 

Ladyfur

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out of desperation I will check out reddit. I've avoided it so far as part of "the new internet" I have trouble digesting. Thank you for the tip, and the in depth explanation. So you guys hadn't had sex before marriage I assume?


No, lots of it. Just took him a couple years to bring up the kink. It's very difficult for him to talk about.
 

Trevor

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out of desperation I will check out reddit. I've avoided it so far as part of "the new internet" I have trouble digesting. Thank you for the tip, and the in depth explanation. So you guys hadn't had sex before marriage I assume?

I don't think it's anything particularly about the communities, it's about your approach. Your awkwardness leads a small percentage of people to react harshly or attempt to bait you and you rise to that bait. Those Fetlife threads contain useful information, even from the people who were rude. If you can take that on board and adjust your approach, you will have more success. If you make excuses for yourself, the social world will not cater to your difficulties. I recognize you have those legitimate difficulties and I sympathize but there is still the matter of actually interacting with people and your approach leaves a lot to be desired. We tend to be nicer about it here due to tighter moderation and a support site atmosphere but those Fetlife threads are textbook examples and the only option for changing the dynamic lies within you.
 
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Bartolome

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I don't think it's anything particularly about the communities, it's about your approach. Your awkwardness leads people a small percentage of people to react harshly or attempt to bait you and you rise to that bait. Those Fetlife threads contain useful information, even from the people who were rude. If you can take that on board and adjust your approach, you will have more success. If you make excuses for yourself, the social world will not cater to your difficulties. I recognize you have those legitimate difficulties and I sympathize but there is still the matter of actually interacting with people and your approach leaves a lot to be desired. We tend to be nicer about it here due to tighter moderation and a support site atmosphere but those Fetlife threads are textbook examples and the only option for changing the dynamic lies within you.

@Trevor: Thanks for that balanced and logical assessment.

If they gave me just good advice and weren't rude I would have sat down and processed this all rationally. I have no tolerance for people hiding behind a computer screen to act like assholes. I have never personally attacked anyone or been so rude as those posters.

If I just do not respond to them do you think that will be enough? (That's always been my problem. People see I'm an easy mark and they bait me, like you said.)

I will also try to stop posting personals for at least a few months.

Oh and the "Maybe ABDLs are just nicer" comment was just a joke, ok? I wasn't trying to generalize a whole population.
 

HokieABDL

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I met my SO on eharmoney.com and I told her about my DL fetish early on in our relationship, long before I knew what a DL was or an AB. We are happily married 8 years. She accepts but rarely participates. I keep boundaries. From personal perspective, and I've said numerous times before, it is better to have a nonparticipating soul mate for 50 years than a perfect mommy "flingster" or fellow ABDL who treats you mean and steals your crib and stash two years after you meet ;-).

Go ahead and post in FL cuz you never know and make sure you know Dr. Neil Clark Warren's signs of compatibility. Ignore the feminazi minority of feminists who give feminists bad names. Don't respond. Let them make themselves look bad.
 
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