Feelings of Loneliness or Isolation

[Tag]

During times when I age regress, my experience usually depends on my surroundings at the time. I love to put on a nappy, wear my favourite AB clothes and cuddle up with my toys to watch my favourite TV show.
Yet, I do this alone because my wife doesn't want anything to do with it. And frankly, she doesn't understand it. She accepts that I do it because it's always been a part of me when she met me - but it leaves me feeling abnormal. As if she's a real person and I'm a weird, broken creature.
When I don't have anyone to participate, I feel incredibly lonely. It's almost like, regressing itself leaves me open to a hyper perception that I don't have a parent figure.
The other time I regress is when I'm going to bed. I pretend I have a Mummy who tucks me in, I play my nightlight which throws up stars over the ceiling and plays cute songs. Then I pass out asleep. But, when I awake, there's no one to greet me. My wife is on a normal life stream, living here and now and when I wake from baby-mode; I'm somewhere far away.

 

[pdiapered]

So I know how you feel to some extent. I'm not married and I'm sure this is really hard for you! Have you tried to open up to her and explain why you like things concerning diapers and or age regress? I struggle myself with loneliness. Its a good thing your on here, to be yorself.

 

[DylanLewis]

During times when I age regress, my experience usually depends on my surroundings at the time. I love to put on a nappy, wear my favourite AB clothes and cuddle up with my toys to watch my favourite TV show.
Yet, I do this alone because my wife doesn't want anything to do with it. And frankly, she doesn't understand it. She accepts that I do it because it's always been a part of me when she met me - but it leaves me feeling abnormal. As if she's a real person and I'm a weird, broken creature.
When I don't have anyone to participate, I feel incredibly lonely. It's almost like, regressing itself leaves me open to a hyper perception that I don't have a parent figure.
The other time I regress is when I'm going to bed. I pretend I have a Mummy who tucks me in, I play my nightlight which throws up stars over the ceiling and plays cute songs. Then I pass out asleep. But, when I awake, there's no one to greet me. My wife is on a normal life stream, living here and now and when I wake from baby-mode; I'm somewhere far away.

Tag
The feeling of deep loneliness you describe is very painful. So is the feeling of being broken. You are not alone in those feelings. Many of those who will read your post have been in that space. I have.

There was a time when I wanted my wife to be a mother to my Little. Like you I felt that it would give me a peace and comfort that I despaired of finding for myself. My wife didn't want to be a mother to my Little and at the time that felt like a painful rejection. (She had good reason - she was abused and removed from her family as an infant, and there is a substantial age difference between us which would have made it feel incestuous.)

When I was desperate for acceptance I had tunnel vision. I wanted to prescribe the form that my wife's acceptance could take. She confronted me about that. She gave me her acceptance in other ways. She eventually accepted me wearing around the house, the freedom to sleep in my own bedroom each night, as my Little. She calls my Little by her name. Most freeing of all we can both share a kind laugh about, and at my Little. She is like a fun-loving Aunt. Her acceptance is genuine, and has been life changing for me.

The love of a partner who accepts us as ABDL even when they don't participate can still be healing and life changing. Acceptance can take different forms. Try not to let the loneliness and the brokenness within you, distance you from that love.

You know your wife and your relationship, and I don't, so take from this whatever helps, and leave the rest behind. You are not alone.

 

[Katie2fingers]

Tag buddy, your not alone. I don't have a mommy, and at my age, it looks like I never will. But, I'm happy with what I do have, my baby toys, my paci, my onesie and my diapers. My best friend baby sat me once, and it was an incredible experience. I wish we could do that everyday, but we can't. I really do understand your pain, if I did have a mommy, my life would be complete, but I focus more on what I do have.

 

[aberrantlyme]

I just had a post come out about not wanting or needing to be alone, but from a different perspective. I opened up to my wife about diapers last year, and it has changed a lot of the dynamic of diapers for me. The blog title seems appropriate enough for both conversations though...

It is a struggle every day, every day, every day <-- give it a read. No one is meant to be alone, especially in their struggles

 

[steviet]

I just had a post come out about not wanting or needing to be alone, but from a different perspective. I opened up to my wife about diapers last year, and it has changed a lot of the dynamic of diapers for me. The blog title seems appropriate enough for both conversations though...

It is a struggle every day, every day, every day <-- give it a read. No one is meant to be alone, especially in their struggles

 

[steviet]

I just read your blog and decided to follow you. I think we have similar spiritual interests. I revealed to my wife last year about my secret diaper fetish and it was a relief to tell her. Just the same, she does not want anything to do with it, so my diaper wearing is still done in secrecy which troubles me. I'm afraid to bring it up again because it requires such incredible honesty and vulnerability. On another post this morning, I wondered how much different my life would have turned out if diapers had never been a part of it. So for me, it is a lonely activity. My life would be complete to have my wife accept me and love me just the same even when I'm diapered and wet.

 

[steviet]

Yes, it is a struggle to live in a grown up world with this fetish

 

[Electrically]

Yes, it is a struggle to live in a grown up world with this fetish

I too am in a very similar situation
I told my wife of 20 years about 6 months ago and I don’t know if things are going to work out.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to continue to make it relevant. And eventhough it is very uncomfortable for both of us I have to feel some level of acceptance from her. I need to be honest as possible. (which hasn’t been perfect yet) I need it for our relationship I can’t go on trying to pretend she is something she doesn’t want to be or pretending something I am not
One of my biggest issues at this point is the sex part I always imagine something AB for sex and almost always put her into the caregiver role to preform. Explaining this is so difficult.
I had thought I was being flattering when I explained that I find her natural nurturing and controlling self very sexy and her physical body is not what really turns me on not that she doesn’t have a sexy body or that I don’t find woman sexy just I put her in that motherly role. It’s kinda hard to explain
But she is very much not flattered

 

[steviet]

I think because we ourselves have a difficult time understanding and accepting our fetish makes it even more difficult to be honest with our spouses. You did the right thing by telling her. I know I did but I still can't talk about it or explain my true feelings to her.

 

[Electrically]

I probably should have told her sooner however I probably would’ve found a way to back out of it and not been able to be honest like saying something like I’m fixed I no longer feel that way therapy worked .
So could’ve would’ve should’ve doesn’t help too much now
I just wish I can get her to understand how emotionally bonded I would feel if she was able to just except the way that I am
I honestly believed that I was going to be able to explain in a way that was going to bring us closer and happier
not so much yet
Best

 

[Electrically]

I’m really kind of stuck in a spot where at times I feel like she deserves someone normal and I know I will never be that.
But I know I won’t give up hope that she would accept me.
but she might not ever
I don’t think I could ever leave her
I do truly love her
She will have to ask me to lea
and if I did I’d have to accept the idea of complete loneliness as well.
I don’t know how far I would go With the whole AB thing
I don’t think I’d be able to ever look for another partner.
It’s so hard to feel good about anything

 

[aberrantlyme]

I just read your blog and decided to follow you. I think we have similar spiritual interests. I revealed to my wife last year about my secret diaper fetish and it was a relief to tell her. Just the same, she does not want anything to do with it, so my diaper wearing is still done in secrecy which troubles me. I'm afraid to bring it up again because it requires such incredible honesty and vulnerability. On another post this morning, I wondered how much different my life would have turned out if diapers had never been a part of it. So for me, it is a lonely activity. My life would be complete to have my wife accept me and love me just the same even when I'm diapered and wet.

Her reaction is typical. It isn't the most vanilla it normal thing. Give her time, and continue to be open and honest with her!

 

[aberrantlyme]

I too am in a very similar situation
I told my wife of 20 years about 6 months ago and I don’t know if things are going to work out.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to continue to make it relevant. And eventhough it is very uncomfortable for both of us I have to feel some level of acceptance from her. I need to be honest as possible. (which hasn’t been perfect yet) I need it for our relationship I can’t go on trying to pretend she is something she doesn’t want to be or pretending something I am not
One of my biggest issues at this point is the sex part I always imagine something AB for sex and almost always put her into the caregiver role to preform. Explaining this is so difficult.
I had thought I was being flattering when I explained that I find her natural nurturing and controlling self very sexy and her physical body is not what really turns me on not that she doesn’t have a sexy body or that I don’t find woman sexy just I put her in that motherly role. It’s kinda hard to explain
But she is very much not flattered

Good for you for telling her, even after all that time! It took me ten years. I told myself marriage would change it and it would go away (not the first time I tried to make it go away, either. Good ol' binge/purge). Be careful beating yourself up so much. Give it time and slowly talk when it is appropriate and feels right.

 

[Tag]

So I know how you feel to some extent. I'm not married and I'm sure this is really hard for you! Have you tried to open up to her and explain why you like things concerning diapers and or age regress? I struggle myself with loneliness. Its a good thing your on here, to be yorself.

When we first met, early on I came out to her about it. I had to tell her because I couldn't face any kind of life being in the closet - I've been in far too many of those. She loves me the same, she goes along with what I want because it's no harm really. But there's always that awkward distance, almost like she's politely ignoring it.
Imagine being stuck in an elevator with someone you know, and you have to pee in the corner. The other politely ignores you - I feel like that.

 

[Tag]

Tag

I'm sorry you've also felt this way, but I'm glad you could share with me.
My wife also recoiled at the thought of babying me. She'd already had a real child when she was 19. (We all live together, our son is 17 now but I don't regress when he's home.) She didn't want to be a mum at all originally, so even pretending to do it again was too much for her. And I wanted her to breastfeed me, but again she recoiled and in disgust! This was very painful for me, and embarrassing. But then she explained that when she had her real son, her milk dried up 2 weeks in and he had to be bottle fed. That was hard for her, but she also never came to terms with breastfeeding. It felt unnatural to her. So I understood.

I know what you mean about tunnel vision! When I'm desperate to have a mother; I'm exhausting and incredibly moody and clingy. And as well, my wife too found ways to accept me without her needing to participate. Every waking moment, I am carrying my toys around with me. Plenty of times I wear around the house, wear to bed or have my paci. She also doesn't really know when I wet (In bed, going to sleep, or on my couch), but she knows and doesn't mind that I do. I don't mess, only wet. She says pee never bothered her and she could pee in front of me early on in our relationship. (like sitting on the toilet even when I'm also in the bathroom, she didn't care.)

I am grateful for her love and acceptance. She really loves me unconditionally. It's just hard, knowing she's there but doesn't want to participate. Almost like I'm looking at her through a window.

Thank you <3

 

[Tag]

Tag buddy, your not alone. I don't have a mommy, and at my age, it looks like I never will. But, I'm happy with what I do have, my baby toys, my paci, my onesie and my diapers. My best friend baby sat me once, and it was an incredible experience. I wish we could do that everyday, but we can't. I really do understand your pain, if I did have a mommy, my life would be complete, but I focus more on what I do have.

Thank you :3
I understand. I find it hard to reconcile my desire for the pretend experience versus the desire to return to real childhood - and do it all over again. And have it work perfectly the first time.
You're right, it is painful. And I also find gratitude for what I do have.

 

[Tag]

I just had a post come out about not wanting or needing to be alone, but from a different perspective. I opened up to my wife about diapers last year, and it has changed a lot of the dynamic of diapers for me. The blog title seems appropriate enough for both conversations though...

It is a struggle every day, every day, every day <-- give it a read. No one is meant to be alone, especially in their struggles

Wow! Thank you for this. The first line that's got me is "my little side wanting to explain itself and its place in my life." I'm so there right now. To describe myself is AB with DL tendancies!
And when we "choose not to be social or avoid another commitment in order to be alone and diapered." I have crossed this line a couple of times, realising the irony that I want to be alone to regress in spite of the loneliness of being alone in regression... ugh.

I am lucky that my wife loves me. She and I are 100% open all the time and we are on the same spiritual path. So, thank you.

 

[pampers4U]

This is why I love this website, the support given helps so many of us, I have my now fiancée and thankfully she has thrown herself into the roll of being my "big" when I feel little, but its nice to see us help each other during tough times, depression is no joke and it each and everyone of us, we may handle things differently but its nice to see a place were we can come and vent and have support.

 

[DylanLewis]

I'm sorry you've also felt this way, but I'm glad you could share with me.
My wife also recoiled at the thought of babying me. She'd already had a real child when she was 19. (We all live together, our son is 17 now but I don't regress when he's home.) She didn't want to be a mum at all originally, so even pretending to do it again was too much for her. And I wanted her to breastfeed me, but again she recoiled and in disgust! This was very painful for me, and embarrassing. But then she explained that when she had her real son, her milk dried up 2 weeks in and he had to be bottle fed. That was hard for her, but she also never came to terms with breastfeeding. It felt unnatural to her. So I understood.

I know what you mean about tunnel vision! When I'm desperate to have a mother; I'm exhausting and incredibly moody and clingy. And as well, my wife too found ways to accept me without her needing to participate. Every waking moment, I am carrying my toys around with me. Plenty of times I wear around the house, wear to bed or have my paci. She also doesn't really know when I wet (In bed, going to sleep, or on my couch), but she knows and doesn't mind that I do. I don't mess, only wet. She says pee never bothered her and she could pee in front of me early on in our relationship. (like sitting on the toilet even when I'm also in the bathroom, she didn't care.)

I am grateful for her love and acceptance. She really loves me unconditionally. It's just hard, knowing she's there but doesn't want to participate. Almost like I'm looking at her through a window.

Thank you <3

Tag
It sounds to me like you and your wife are both very lucky to have each other. I think you are both doing brilliantly. Two things stand out. First, the way your wife is comfortable with you wearing around the house and knows that you wet your diaper. That's big. Second, the way you were able to honestly disclose about your interest in breastfeeding and genuinely hear your wife's experience. That sounds to me like both of you honouring the other. That deepens the trust in your relationship. I hope and believe that your emotional experience of being accepted by your wife, as both an Adult and Little will deepen. In my experience over time that eventually supecedes our tunnel vision.

Unconditional love is ultimately our Little's greatest need. It is what heals the wound beneath our neediness. When we have tunnel vision we seek to dictate the form of our partner's unconditional love. It is saying, "I won't receive your love fully if you don't give it to me the way I want." That's not good. We devalue our partner's love, and deny ourselves the real love which they want to give us. If someone offers us unconditional love, we need to receive it unconditionally. The paradox of love is what you can't get by demanding, often comes around in a different form when you can ask without demand. The difference between the two is being able to trust love - your own for your partner, and your partner's for you.

I believe that one of the most important challenges in coming to terms with being ABDL is being able to accept without shame that our Little has a healthy childlike need for nurturing - but accepting that we cannot undo and remake our biological childhood. The first is a healthy form of self soothing. The second is like chasing the foot of the rainbow and falling over the edge of the precipice.

We all only get one biological childhood. Some of us, through no fault of our own, missed out on some of what we needed to feel fully comforted and protected. That sucks. But ultimately we have no choice but to accept that was our history. We can't genuinely do over. Our Little replicates some aspects of our childhood, but they are not a complete or accurate facsimile of ourselves as a biological child. Our partner can accept and nurture our Little in the form they chose, but they cannot authentically mother the biological child we no longer are. If we try and make them into the mother we needed as a biological child, there is a danger we will look through the real here-and-now person and love in front of us. Seeking that rainbow will exhaust and ultimately torment us. It may also unintentionally disparage our partner.

But we can accept our Little's childlike need for nurturing. We can self soothe. And we can unconditionally accept the unconditional love of our partners, and genuinely feel nurtured.

That's my experience. It is different for all of us. It may not fit for you, and if it doesn't trust your own experience. Regards.