Feeling Like I’ve Failed

Dinotopian2002

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Est. Contributor
Messages
184
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Diaper Lover, Incontinent
Hi everybody.

Sorry I’ve not posted here for a while. I’ve been in an awkward place in my life. Trouble is, I don’t know who to turn to, as very few people seem to understand.

To give a brief recap, I’ve been living with a chronic illness that has left me with severe chronic nerve pain, fatigue and unable to walk apart for short distances. It’s also caused my incontinence, and now I’m realising it is playing havoc with my mental health as well.

Essentially, I have persistent feelings of being a failure, despite having achieved some successes which would be an achievement for most people, but for a disabled person they are even more impressive. But despite all of it, I continue to have intense feelings of failure.

It’s been a real struggle to work out why, as I’ve tried a number of therapies including counselling, sleep meditation, hypnosis and in-depth CBT, as well as the continued support of my family and friends. I know they love me, but it feels abstract, or an act. At times I doubt them, claiming that they’re seeing only what they want to see.

Now I know why I keep feeling so low. It’s because my body is in constant pain. I feel a failure because my body fails. The thought is a reflex, it happens as fast as a whip-crack. And it’s just as painful. But now at least I know what’s causing it. The trouble is there’s no real cure for this.

I’m also reluctant to experiment with antidepressants, as I don’t want to knock my other meds out of balance. But I don’t know what else to do. CBD oil looks interesting but I’m worried about side affects of lethargy - with my fatigue even Piriton hay fever tablets, which can cause drowsiness can knock me out at times.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s ruining my self-confidence and body image. It’s also destroyed my dating life (always a hurdle with three different disabilities) to the point where I’ve written myself off as I genuinely believe that I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m on disability benefits, but I’m self-employed and my work-flow is reasonably consistent.

I know that I’m not a failure. But my body is telling me constantly that I am. And even though my circumstances have changed for the better in most ways, I still feel this way. And I don’t see that changing any time soon, even though I’ve started another round of CBT therapy to try and see if I can.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002
 

Seasonedcitizen

Est. Contributor
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828
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Diaper Lover, Sissy
Take two pieces of paper. On one write down your strong points, on the other your weaker points. Which of the weaker points can be worked on and put on the strong list? On a third sheet of paper put down your goals and number them in the order you can achieve them.

Remember that attitude is everything. Begin each project with "yes I can" instead of "no I can't". Each day may not be good, but you can find some goodness in every day.
 

dogboy

Est. Contributor
Messages
19,758
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Adult Baby, Diaper Lover
I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. I have a lot of pain caused by degenerative arthritis, but mine sounds tame compared to yours. I suppose all you can do is to put yourself in the hands of your doctor/s. Sometimes, life just craps on people. You might talk with your doctor about mood enhancing meds and see what they say.

I suffer from depression caused by losing my wife, dealing with grief. I try to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. That's the best any of us can do. Also, being with other people helps, again for the same reason. I hope things improve for you.
 

ltaluv

Est. Contributor
Messages
283
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Diaper Lover, Incontinent
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.

Chronic illness is tough. Please know that you're not alone - many of us suffer through chronic illnesses, and really get the daily struggle to keep going when everything hurts, or the fatigue is so bad that you just want to quit. Nobody's experience is the same as yours, but we can all commiserate and add our strength together to help one another through these struggles.

Depression can be such an insidious disease, sneaking up to bleed the joy out of you life, to make your successes feel like nothing and your failures feel overwhelming, and to whisper butter little lies in your ear about how horrible you are. Please consider trying an antidepressant - the right one can be like a life preserver tossed to a drowning man. You deserve to feel better, and antidepressants are one of the things that can help.

My heart cries for you going through this pain. Remember that there are people who care about you, who know you and love you for who you really are, and that there is always help available when things get too overwhelming.
 

diaperfooties

🍼
Est. Contributor
Messages
734
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Adult Baby, Diaper Lover, Babyfur, Little
I hope you are able to start feeling better soon. I have depression as well and have sturggled with the same feeling of failure no matter what I do. I started on prozac about 6 months ago and it does help I would highly recommend trying it.
 
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