Feeling crushed

RainCandy

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I feel like I had been working so hard and so well to get better but I feel like I haven't.

I've tried to get myself on meds but the ones I've tried resulted me in having one of the worst self harm relapses I've ever had.

I feel completely and utterly alone. My brain seems to be unable to calm down and turn off. I'm unable to even fake being happy. I find it hard to focus. I feel abandoned by the people and professionals out to help me and I'm in fact wondering if they're even trying to help me.

I just want to hide and run away from my responsibilities but I can't. I have work. I have university. The world doesn't care. And why should the world care? People have bigger problems than me and I feel like my past traumas are nothing.

No one severely abused me. No one has seriously harmed me. So why is it so intrusive the memories I get from my past?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel completely and utterly alone and defeated in life. I feel like no one would genuinely care, nor does anyone have the actual power to help me. I feel alone. More alone than ever
 
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I feel like I had been working so hard and so well to get better but I feel like I haven't.

I've tried to get myself on meds but the ones I've tried resulted me in having one of the worst self harm relapses I've ever had.

I feel completely and utterly alone. My brain seems to be unable to calm down and turn off. I'm unable to even fake being happy. I find it hard to focus. I feel abandoned by the people and professionals out to help me and I'm in fact wondering if they're even trying to help me.

I just want to hide and run away from my responsibilities but I can't. I have work. I have university. The world doesn't care. And why should the world care? People have bigger problems than me and I feel like my past traumas are nothing.

No one severely abused me. No one has seriously harmed me. So why is it so intrusive the memories I get from my past?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel completely and utterly alone and defeated in life. I feel like no one would genuinely care, nor does anyone have the actual power to help me. I feel alone. More alone than ever
I'm not the right person to be responding, because I have so many issues myself. You could put my blemishes on a dartboard and strike 20s every time. But I know loneliness and it is crushing. I have not consciously felt it for a while now (seems to mostly strike when I'm on campus), but I am sure part of my cycles are driven by the lack of... well, whatever I lack.

I don't know if I've ever asked this before, but do you have any goals for your life, Milianna? And I don't mean "purpose," who ducking knows that garbage. No, I mean... what is the thing that you want the most? What is the thing that is going to make your life worth it? I feel like most people have some idea of what they want. Maybe it's success, power, to get rich; or maybe it's something way simpler, like to eat a good meal that night.

I think mine is probably falling in love with a partner one day. I think I've kinda had that goal since I was a little kid, so, you know, someone might have just instilled that idea in me/ I could be very misguided. But idk. Finding someone is very important to me, which is funny considering how avoidant I am (lol). Succeeding has become... less important, which is a bit of an issue when it comes to college, aha.

And maybe you don't know. But I figure it might be a worthy question worth considering, anyway.

As for the other stuff, I know it's not the same, but I really relate to your statement about the brain going all the time, to the point of being unable to mask happiness. I thought I was doing better, but hit a regression recently and spun out (again-again-again). I'm doing a bit better right now, but y'know how long that can last. As for the meds/ treatment and the memories of the past being a ahyuckin bitch, I feel that. I struggle to get any reaction from meds, though, so we differ there. I hope you're doing a little better now, I don't know the pain of self-harm but I do know it takes a lot of strength to deal with.

I'm not sure who has the power to help, and I don't know if the world cares, but I think some people do. I just wonder if the people who care are also wondering the same question at the same time. But I don't actually know much about humans, so my theories are limited.
 
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I feel like I had been working so hard and so well to get better but I feel like I haven't.

I've tried to get myself on meds but the ones I've tried resulted me in having one of the worst self harm relapses I've ever had.

I feel completely and utterly alone. My brain seems to be unable to calm down and turn off. I'm unable to even fake being happy. I find it hard to focus. I feel abandoned by the people and professionals out to help me and I'm in fact wondering if they're even trying to help me.

I just want to hide and run away from my responsibilities but I can't. I have work. I have university. The world doesn't care. And why should the world care? People have bigger problems than me and I feel like my past traumas are nothing.

No one severely abused me. No one has seriously harmed me. So why is it so intrusive the memories I get from my past?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel completely and utterly alone and defeated in life. I feel like no one would genuinely care, nor does anyone have the actual power to help me. I feel alone. More alone than ever
Hello Milianna,

Glad you are venting your loneliness to others. Have I read in other posts you are in medical school? What a high pressure, challenging, and tiring ordeal. You picked a challenging vocation and the associated grind takes a lot out of anyone doing what you are doing. Also sounds like you might have been blessed with being a highly sensitive person who responds deeply to internal stimuli or external stimuli. Great when the stimuli are positive and affirming, tough when challenging and difficult, and can make you feel overwhelmed. The other positive part is you are identifying what is making you feel bad, the feeling you are addressing having a problem and feeling like you are in a losing battle. I think the main thing you are describing is fear. I think you are telling us you are afraid. So, you know where you are. I think you haven't identified that your fear is where you are. You are feeling fear and you are afraid you are not making progress. My experience is fear is like a cloud. If you look up and watch a cloud, it usually passes and disappears. I think emotions are like weather; they change. It can storm or can drizzle, but it passes. I also find when I can identify the emotion I am entertaining or is visiting me, I detach a little bit from it and can watch it as it passes over. And then another comes sometime later, and I do the same thing. You hope you get good weather at least as much as bad.

You are doing three things well. You are communicating what you are feeling. You are telling others, so it gets out of you. And you are describing how you feel which tells you where you are. You are afraid and feeling like you are not making progress. I hope doing all of these things help that cloud over you pass and your fear, loneliness, and frustration move along. I also note you are trying to get better and taking medication with mixed results. I hope you use the same tools you demonstrate mastery over here with your treating medical professionals and fine tune whatever benefits the meds provide. My physician friends find it a challenge to allow themselves to seek help and be treated. They feel they are looked upon to heal others and must be strong, so that can't be ill. They shake their heads and laugh and say we give ourselves pretty bad advice (or no advice) but pride ourselves for giving good advice to others. Your vocation can engender isolation. I hope you find the courage to keep on trying and say to your physicians what you have said to us.

You are doing something very worthy and worthwhile at university. And even were you not, you deserve respect just for being. That includes respect from you.

Thinking of you and wishing you success in getting through the fear and frustration. May they pass as you find detachment from them through your efforts of self-examination and reporting as you have here. And hopefully let our concerns and well wishes shower upon you. Might feel better than the cloud hovering over you now.

Regards,

Lattimore

P.S. What a lovely name you have. Feels good saying it.
 
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I sincerely appreciate all those who have replied to me through this blog post and through my PMs.

I regret that I don't have the energy to talk. I look at the messages, try to think of something to say. Anything to say but come up with nothing clever, smart, or even borderline hopeful.

I have started meds that have eased the depression somewhat. Gotten a diagnosis of bipolar disorder which actually explains a lot that has been going on in my life.

I am currently trying to look into summer classes and such to stop myself from going home over the summer. If I can't take summer classes, I'm looking into getting a sublet near my university so that I can work and be safe. I'm really not sure what to do if I"m honest.

I feel alone. I feel like the memories of my parents is resurfacing. I get flashes of memory. The impossible knife of memory that always cuts me.

Why do I feel guilty wanting to get away from my parents? They didn't do the worst forms of abuse to me. They sometimes were loving. I hate the idea of even saying that they were abusive. I love them, but I can't be with them. I don't miss them. But I care about their well being. I want them to be happy and healthy. I just don't want them in my life.

I don't know.
 
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Your traumas are NOT nothing, you matter who is worse. I care, and you are not alone - everyone on this website cares about you as you are part of the community. YOU deserve to be happy too. I know trying meds is hard with all the side effects but keep trying them. I think it took me 5 and then poof one worked and it’s amazing. depression Is super hard but keep reminding yourself your brain is literally lying to you and many of your thoughts are not to be trusted at the moment. You are not alone, keep forcing yourself to be about other people, I did restorative/yin yoga for years when my depression was bad - I was around people but could go the entirtime without talking if I was really bad, all poses are laying down or sitting so if I had zero energy it was ok, crying is ok during class, falling asleep and snoring is ok during class - happened every week almost lol. Still do the odd calm event with friends but be open you are having issues so to be gentle. Find a therapist that makes you feel safe, also took me 6 tries and now I’m making so much progress, best if they do EMDR or ARDR. I’m doing ARDR and it’s released so much emotion and trauma from past experience and yes there were not abuse, drugs and I didn’t have a parent in jail … they were literally just being ignored or yelled to be quiet as my mom watched TV, not being taught how to deal with emotion (I was sent to my room to calm down if I was angry, sad, overly exciting etc), being told wearing diapers was disgusting, feeling anxious when in the hospital because of too much noise and food allergy issues.

And as much as I hated it at beginning (like loathe it!), journalling does help get some of those crappy thoughts out of your head so they don’t circle and start spiralling downwards. Meditation, mindfullness, gratitude practise, affirmations - all things that have helped me personally. They are hard at beginning but do get easier, just slowly add in and try them out, especially affirmations - I would start with that one. That was another one I balked at for months and months but it’s really helping. And be patient with yourself, especially on rough days.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
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I sincerely appreciate all those who have replied to me through this blog post and through my PMs.

I regret that I don't have the energy to talk. I look at the messages, try to think of something to say. Anything to say but come up with nothing clever, smart, or even borderline hopeful.

I have started meds that have eased the depression somewhat. Gotten a diagnosis of bipolar disorder which actually explains a lot that has been going on in my life.

I am currently trying to look into summer classes and such to stop myself from going home over the summer. If I can't take summer classes, I'm looking into getting a sublet near my university so that I can work and be safe. I'm really not sure what to do if I"m honest.

I feel alone. I feel like the memories of my parents is resurfacing. I get flashes of memory. The impossible knife of memory that always cuts me.

Why do I feel guilty wanting to get away from my parents? They didn't do the worst forms of abuse to me. They sometimes were loving. I hate the idea of even saying that they were abusive. I love them, but I can't be with them. I don't miss them. But I care about their well being. I want them to be happy and healthy. I just don't want them in my life.

I don't know.
Miliana,

Good for you to keep writing about what you are going through. Nobody expects suffering from loneliness and depression to be clever, smart (although what you wrote suggests you are very), or borderline hopeful (and again your starting meds and their mild success indicates you are strong and acting as if you were hopeful). A diagnosis if it continues to hold true is very helpful for treatment. Your instincts are good to stay away from people who make you feel worse or keep you from being who and how you want to be. I hope the knife of memory becomes dull, whether through time or intervention.

KarmaBaby2 generously shared her depression experiences and attests to a number of behaviors which have helped her through hard times: patience, fortitude (you already have that with doing as much as you do under the circumstances you endure), self-acceptance, and one of the superpowers you have, but not honed as precisely as you might, i.e., generosity. And that one is easier to apply if you can step back and look at yourself as if you were a friend, relative, workmate in distress and imagining how would I treat them, what would I say and do, to show support and acceptance. And that friend, relative, workmate is you. You deserve your own generosity.

KarmaBaby2 also advised that therapists, doctors, and meds don't necessarily work the first time, and she used her superpowers of patience and fortitude to find what works. With trauma in your background (you don't need to be on the front lines in a war to suffer long term damage from major or consistent microtrauma) once unusual but now accepted treatments like EMDR address body memories of events and help to blunt and sometimes remove the pain of the knife of remembered trauma. Such treatments do not cover over pain, but put the experiences back in time where they belong, less so in the present. (Did two stints of EMDR for things that got me stuck with success) And ARDR works similarly with music. I, too, encourage you to keep trying until you find what works. I hope you remember to be generous with yourself, being the friend, parent, neighbor, co-worker to that hurting part of you. Another thing you are doing well, is avoiding being too self-conscious about what you are going through to not share it. And to do it here! As you might know from your own interests, we are not very judgmental here.

I am pulling for you to keep at it, keep showing up, and saying where you are. With your help and those you let it, I hope you use your superpowers to calm that mind and just be. The striving, accomplishments, making something of yourself, finishing school, will all just happen because they do, anyway.

Be good to yourself.

Lattimore
.
P.S. Miliana, that name still is a pleasure to say!
 
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Being a student and struggling with your mental health/trying to improve your mental health is such a difficult thing to do, and while I know you’re in a place where you don’t want to give yourself credit or kindness, you really should. I think one of the biggest hurdles is exactly what you said—school, work, the world, it all pushes onward, leaving those of us who are struggling just to get back on our hands and knees and claw our way forwards feeling absolutely bulldozed over. It is especially disheartening when you are trying your all to get better but nothing works.
Ultimately, these things are not failures on your part. It is incredibly impressive that you are already trying to make plans for the summer to put yourself in the best spot for your health, and it may be difficult but I really commend you for moving forward even though it’s been painful (I know the new diagnosis isn’t necessarily something to celebrate, but that means you’re closer to finding what methods of regulation/care work best for you). I would also agree with what Karmababy had to say and additionally I would look into accommodations for your school if that is something that may help/interest you. Between my freshman and sophomore year I took a gap year where all I did was work, and I completely lost myself in it. When I came back to school I was lost and very mentally unwell, drowning under it all, but going to my school’s disability department to get help has made my time here so much better whether I’ve been in a high or low (even though doing so initially was so intimidating). Having that safety net has greatly alleviated some of the stress that comes from school on top of other struggles.
And finally, you are deserving of love, and of care, and of happiness, no matter if you deem your trauma to not be legitimate enough. I am also in a pretty deep, dark place at the moment. A big issue of mine is thinking I’m some monster who doesn’t have the right to feel as bad as I do, and even though I did grow up in an abusive household, it could’ve been much worse. But, there’s a few things I try to keep in mind—even though it wasn’t “much worse,” the feelings I experience from the past are still very real. So as much as you may want to deny them for not being at a standard that to you seems deserving of care and help, ultimately and obviously those feelings are there regardless and the best we can do is tend to them even if we don’t think they’re bad enough (and either way, there is no need to try and minimize your own feelings by comparing it to others because you do not need to have suffered the worst things to have trauma and there is truly no point in comparing your own unique experiences to others’ as what you feel is valid regardless—plus also like Karmababy said, trauma comes in a lot of different forms). And also, as a bit of reassurance, someone who was intentionally making their own experiences to be worse than they were or was faking or something wouldn’t be questioning it in the way that we do. And in my experience it is very common for people (especially those who experience more depressive symptoms) with mental illness or trauma to try and downplay it or deny it’s severity due to not feeling worthy enough.
I wish you all the best, what you are going through is exceptionally difficult but I am glad that you came here to tell us and get some support. We will always be here for you!! And you really do have this, even if the future looks so bleak right now. You can do it
 
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