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Fear

Blathers

Leftist who goes Ribbitttt <3
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It's been awhile since I have made a blog post, but I dunno I am just gonna write and see how it goes.


I started college 4 weeks ago, it has been hell. Before I started college for 3-2 months I vomited everyday, and am still vomiting. I get shakes, cry everyday practically, and obsessively read over everything 4000s times. The fear is what gets me, the fear of fucking up, its not just about grades. For example yesterday I had all my worked turned in for the day, and felt so terrible about myself for not doing something related to college. Instead I went to eat and watched netflix.

This caused me to shake so much and hate myself, last week I got work done but I dunno I feel it wasn't enough. If I don't constantly think about college I feel like a failure or I'll fail. My scholarships paid for my first semester, and I am so grateful for that, I find myself feeling like I don't deserve them though, or like I am not good enough to get them renewed.

I have always suffered from extreme anxiety every since I was 12 years old, trauma and abuse yadda yadda yadda. For the past 4 weeks It just has been terrible and I don't even text people back anymore sometimes because I am so depressed.

My family says I need to gain control over this or it will impact my schooling badly, they are right of course, but I am just so scared of everything, literally crying right now as I write this.

My sister suffers from anxiety to and recently went to the doctor to get put on medication, apparently it has helped her.
I am considering doing the same thing, because I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling terrible, and anxious over everything. I counted yesterday the things I became anxious over it was 12. And each thing took a least an hour for me to calm down from. I feel ridiculous, my motivation is always down because I am always exhausted from my feelings, it just sucks.

Anyway I have school work to do, and um yeah.
 

DylanLewis

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It's been awhile since I have made a blog post, but I dunno I am just gonna write and see how it goes.


I started college 4 weeks ago, it has been hell. Before I started college for 3-2 months I vomited everyday, and am still vomiting. I get shakes, cry everyday practically, and obsessively read over everything 4000s times. The fear is what gets me, the fear of fucking up, its not just about grades. For example yesterday I had all my worked turned in for the day, and felt so terrible about myself for not doing something related to college. Instead I went to eat and watched netflix.

This caused me to shake so much and hate myself, last week I got work done but I dunno I feel it wasn't enough. If I don't constantly think about college I feel like a failure or I'll fail. My scholarships paid for my first semester, and I am so grateful for that, I find myself feeling like I don't deserve them though, or like I am not good enough to get them renewed.

I have always suffered from extreme anxiety every since I was 12 years old, trauma and abuse yadda yadda yadda. For the past 4 weeks It just has been terrible and I don't even text people back anymore sometimes because I am so depressed.

My family says I need to gain control over this or it will impact my schooling badly, they are right of course, but I am just so scared of everything, literally crying right now as I write this.

My sister suffers from anxiety to and recently went to the doctor to get put on medication, apparently it has helped her.
I am considering doing the same thing, because I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling terrible, and anxious over everything. I counted yesterday the things I became anxious over it was 12. And each thing took a least an hour for me to calm down from. I feel ridiculous, my motivation is always down because I am always exhausted from my feelings, it just sucks.

Anyway I have school work to do, and um yeah.
Blathers

Your blog is really compelling. Anxiety SUCKS. I believe that a lot of ABDLs suffer from trait anxiety, so you are not alone. Don't be too down on yourself - your first while getting settled in college can be very stressful. Its not just the anxiety in your head. It gets better and easier, as you get used to it. Soon it will start to feel more familiar and sometime after that it will feel settled in.

For me, some of the best things I could do for anxiety, was to give my body comfort. I wasn't very good at getting my thoughts to slow down directly, and giving my body comfort was the best, indirect, way of quieting my racing mind. What gives your body comfort will be different for everybody - do what works for you. Long relaxing baths and going to bed "little style" with comfy soft PJs, stuffed toys etc worked for me.

You will be okay. It gets easier.

Regards. Dylan.
 

Blathers

Leftist who goes Ribbitttt <3
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It gets better and easier, as you get used to it. Soon it will start to feel more familiar and sometime after that it will feel settled in.
Thank you for saying that I really appreciate it, I think obviously I need to get a handle on it in a bigger compacity that isnt just "waiting for it to go away"

I know that wasn't what you were recommending at all, just trying to clarify,
from a very young age 12 I have felt like everything was a danger, and because of my abuse I never learned how to deal with feelings.
I feel things so intensely and I hate it, so much.

As I am doing work right now I am calling places, and trying to find something.
Enough is enough in a way.
 

DylanLewis

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Thank you for saying that I really appreciate it, I think obviously I need to get a handle on it in a bigger compacity that isnt just "waiting for it to go away"

I know that wasn't what you were recommending at all, just trying to clarify,
from a very young age 12 I have felt like everything was a danger, and because of my abuse I never learned how to deal with feelings.
I feel things so intensely and I hate it, so much.

As I am doing work right now I am calling places, and trying to find something.
Enough is enough in a way.
Blathers

Sorry my reply might have been a bit confusing. When I said "it get easier and better, as you get used to it" I was meaning college, not the anxiety per se.

Re the anxiety. If you can see a trauma counsellor that would be great. I was traumatized about age 10 and around 50 years later, I still get PTSD type reactions in the wrong circumstances. You're young with your whole life ahead of you. Get help early. They have learned a lot about how the brain and the body process trauma in recent decades. I'm not sure the anxiety ever goes away completely, but in my experience understanding my reactions to anxiety help me manage it better.

Regards. Dylan.
 

DLForever99999

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Thank you for saying that I really appreciate it, I think obviously I need to get a handle on it in a bigger compacity that isnt just "waiting for it to go away"

I know that wasn't what you were recommending at all, just trying to clarify,
from a very young age 12 I have felt like everything was a danger, and because of my abuse I never learned how to deal with feelings.
I feel things so intensely and I hate it, so much.

As I am doing work right now I am calling places, and trying to find something.
Enough is enough in a way.
Your school likely has resources and references for you. For sure you are not alone and there are many more in your school feeling the same way. The key is to seek help and support. Although it may seem overwhelming, you will overcome.
 

SillyLiam

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I know exactly the way you feel. I just graduated a couple years ago from college. I also had a strong fear of failure, got the shakes, and got so stressed that I felt like I was going to throw up. Unfortunately, the academic system at my school was like the Hunger
Games where you had to beat the competition in your classes since everything was curved. The computer science major I got into was roughly 25% acceptance rate so the anxiety for me to get into the major to begin with was extremely high all the time.

I never got prescribed medication or talked to a counselor until my last couple of years which I really regret because it was super helpful. I would highly recommend giving that a try, I don't want you to suffer through college like I did.
 

Blathers

Leftist who goes Ribbitttt <3
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. Unfortunately, the academic system at my school was like the Hunger
I feel even more pathetic because how do I put this, I am going to a 2 yr and then transferring to a 4 year to finish my last two years.
And I was an AP kid, in high school took so many upper level classes and had As in all of them. And I am cowering down to these very basic classes I am taking at the moment.

Now that I am in college I am going through the motions and turning my work in, I always feel theres more to do, or something I can do. Like I am a failure. I dunno I just feel so eaten up by this. Like I can't be a human. My first semester is paid for, and if I don't do 1000% I am worthless

Just wanna crawl into bed and hide.
 
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Cottontail

Sailing, sailing, ...
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I suppose you're working remotely from home? Are there any opportunities to connect with your classmates? That would seem really important right now. The trouble with quarantine is that all context for what you're doing sort of disappears and you're forced to go looking for it. When you're physically in class and you hear your classmates groan because the professor just assigned something stupid/hard/boring/time-consuming, that's a bond. You realize you're not alone. I wonder if you're victim to an exaggerated sense of aloneness right now. It's easy to imagine.
 
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caitianx

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I have been dealing with anxiety all my life.
I had the same fears in college decades ago.
 

dogboy

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I wondered the same thing as Cottontail. With this Covid lockdown, it makes everything more difficult. If you are in classes and on campus, you might see if there is a counselor who can help you and give some advice. Since you were an advanced student in high school, I feel confident that things will fall into a routine.

If it helps at all, to commiserate, I fell into a massive depression my freshman year and for the year, got two F's and three
D's. The next year I did better but led a very messy life where I'd get invited to parties by upperclassmen where they'd get me passing out drunk so they could do whatever while I was passed out. This was at an east coast music conservatory where most of the guys were gay.

My junior year I began to flourish and was back with my boyfriend from my freshman year. By my senior year I was teaching some of the philosophy classes that I was taking.

We grow into our stride and that can take some time and I feel confident you're doing great compared to me when I was your age. I found that keeping a good schedule and making lists, having an idea of how much time you have to give to each class really helps. Start the semester long projects soon so you don't fall behind and you'll be okay. We all get stressed in new situations but after awhile, that which is new and scary becomes old and routine. Hang in there.
 

IzzyFox

Lizard Diaper Spankie Pants
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My sister suffers from anxiety to and recently went to the doctor to get put on medication, apparently it has helped her.
I am considering doing the same thing, because I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling terrible, and anxious over everything. I counted yesterday the things I became anxious over it was 12. And each thing took a least an hour for me to calm down from. I feel ridiculous, my motivation is always down because I am always exhausted from my feelings, it just sucks.

Anyway I have school work to do, and um yeah.
I had anxiety attacks over a decade ago, and I ended up seeking treatment for it (along with depression). While things to vary with people, I found medication (in my case, Sertraline) to be highly effective. I wish you the best of luck.
 
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