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Father Missing from Childhood

Was your father psychologically or physically missing from your childhood?


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Maverick

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Take note! I don't just mean physically missing, but also psychologically missing.

I saw a post by another user that said that he had never really had a relationship with his father. I can relate to that, because I never really bonded with my father. He also worked a lot, and when he came home, he went to his own room and didn't really hang out. I still see my dad every other week, but we don't really have a relationship.

The thing is, from what I've read, fathers are very important in a child's development (especially for boys), because they serve as role models, and the child looks up to its father. If there is no father, the child has no role model, and thus may lack self-confidence and direction in life. This is all from what I've read.

Anyway, I was wondering if a psychologically (or physically) missing father during childhood may cause or contribute to the cause of infantilism in at least some of us. If that's the case, you might argue, "then why do most of the males on this forum prefer 'mommies' instead of 'daddies'? After all, if their fathers were missing from their childhoods, wouldn't they prefer to have a 'daddy' in place of that psychologically missing father?'

I thought about that a lot, and I thought that pretty much rendered my supposition false. But then I thought maybe because they hadn't felt a father's love, they would feel uncomfortable with it, and would prefer a mother's love--something they are more comfortable with.

So, what I'm asking is: Was your father psychologically or physically missing from your childhood? Do you think this may have contributed to your infantilism?
 

Lowie

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Yes, my father was missing from my childhood life (he's still missing, but screw him) both physically and psychologically.

But anyways, it might have contributed to my infantilism, I'm not really sure.
 

cation

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No father in my childhood and my mother held down a few jobs to keep us going because he didn't contribute so she was mostly unavailable too. Unfortunately my brother was beaten by him till he left and then my brother thought it his responsibility to act as my father.
It may very well have influenced my infantilism.
 

Fire2box

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Mine wasn't at all he's pretty much the only one who's raised me. On the other hand my mother was missing for most of my childhood. I visted her on school breaks a few times but I never really got to know her that well until I was like 13. Back then I called her by her first name rather then calling her mom.
 
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I went with "psychologically missing, physically there."

The fact was that he was a support engineer for large installations. These installations were all over the world, so he'd travel a lot when I was 4-8 or so.

I don't begrudge him this; I just wished back then that he could have been around more often.

Growing up, he and I weren't terribly close, but now (as we have much more in common) we are pretty close.
 
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I had to vote that he was there physically, but not really psychologically, because there was never any love or kindness shown on his behalf, or my mothers for that matter, but my dad was always the one that would execute the punishments, and that was usually at the end of a belt, or in the form of extreme ridicule and embarrassment on my behalf, and threats of being put back into diapers and made to go to school in them.

I strongly believe that this a a big contributing factor in my AB/DL'ism, as I would see how my friends parents treated them at home, and how much love the younger ones, babies, would be showered with, that I was extremely jealous of them for it and secretly wished that it was me in their place.

Some people just don't realize how badly it effects their kids when they are not shown regularly how much the are loved, if ever at all. It took a great deal of effort on my part to overcome that and be able to show my own son how much I care, and let him know that he is very much loved by me. I didn't want him to go through the same thing I had to when I was a kid.

My experiences as a kid are also the reason I chose to only have one child, instead of two, or three. My younger brother was also a factor in my childhood that my parents used "against" me, with comments like, "you don't see your brother doing that, and he's younger than you are", referring to my pants pooping, (encopresis), that they never took me to a doctor to see why it was happening, they just figured I was lazy or something and that they could "whip" it out of me. I really hated being compared to him and having to "compete" with him for any kind of affection that very rarely, if ever, materialized.

I know this sounds harsh, but I grew up in an era when beating your kids seemed to be the accepted norm, and "kids should be seen, not heard", and "do as I say, not as I do", were the rules of the day.

It's also cause a lot of problems for my wife and I because it was so difficult for me to show my affection, and even worse, to accept any from her. I just really didn't know how, and it felt really awkward to me to try, because it was almost a "foreign" thing to me, as I never got to feel it as a child, except on the rare occasions when we would travel across country to see my grandparents for a week or two. That only happened every 2 or 3 years, until they passed away.

This was also another contributing factor in my depression and attempted suicides. I was in such a bad state of mind that I really felt the only way out was death. I thank God for my wife's persistence and efforts to save me from myself. If not for her, I would not be here now.
 

Takashi

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My father was around and still is but we've just never connected. :sad:
 

dogboy

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My parents put me up for adoption, so neither of my birth parents were around. Once adopted, I had two loving parents, buy my dad was never healthy. He had a major heart attack when I was 4, and so he wasn't able to do some of the things that fathers might have been able to do. He also was quiet where as my mom was the diciplinerian. My dad and I used to go out sailing when I was in high school, and I treasure those years.

As for having mommies instead of daddies, that may be in part because we are mostly males on this site. Males are going to generally bond with their mother, and females with their father. For males it's the Oedopus *my spelling sucks* thing. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, but that's generally how it works IMO.

In the 60s and 70s, psychiatrists thought that males who were homosexuals were so because they had a dominant mother and recessive or missing fathers. I used to see this frequently at college, but I also would see exceptions to that rule as well. I suspect that there is nothing hard and fast, and that the human mind is so complex, that most scientists still don't have it figured out. I would guess this would apply to infantilism as well. The one thing I do think we all share, and this is from what I read on this site, is pain. We all seem to have had some childhood pain, either when we were very young, or a little bit latter in life.
 

PetPuppyAlex

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I'm gonna go with psychologically there, physically missing. We talk on a daily basis, but I live with my mom and I only see him twice a month, but I'm gonna move with him this summer. Thank God, my mom does not know how to parent. I'm not saying it as a bratty teenager either, even my dad agrees with me. So, I'm leaving her :D :twocents:
 
D

daria7483

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This is a hard question to answer. My parents divorced when I was 2 1/2, and my mom got full custody. I started seeing my father every other weekend, as he lived about an hour away, and he got re-married when I was 5. The every other weekend visitation continued until I was about 14, and he and my stepmother had to move further away for job reasons. Then it turned into a few days here, a few days there on school breaks and long weekends. And it's more or less like that now, except he works weekends and my stepmom is super busy, so even though I'm only two hours away I don't go see him that much.

So, physically he was there some of the time, but not most of the time. He'd write me a letter on the weekends we didn't see each other (seems so old school now) and we talked on the phone and when I got older we communicated by email. Psychologically? My dad has always had a tendency to retreat into his own world. I'm like that in some ways. I never felt comfortable spilling my guts to either of my parents. Neither of them knew how badly I was bullied in elementary and middle school, although my mom had a much better sense than my dad. I doubt he knew that our financial problems were so serious that occasionally my mom didn't have money for food, and had to once pay off a $20 doctor co-payment for me in increments.

Also, I've said before that I suspect some of my AB tendencies come from my parents splitting up when I was a toddler and my very prolonged potty training process that resulted.

I know I had it better than many kids whose parents divorced, and I couldn't have asked for a better stepmother. But I feel like if my parents could've kept it together and gotten along, things would've been better all around.
 

ajsco

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What about missing (~200 days out of the year) physically but not psychologically, he worked offshore and subsequently died offshore in the summer of 2007, yet I still regard him as psychologically here.
 

avery

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i think my dad really tried to be a good dad, and in some ways he succeeded, and gave me a lot of guidance and support growing up. but we also fought a lot, and in many ways i regarded him as an enemy. there was a lot of fear and anger and shame in our relationship. luckily we've become much more friendly with one another as i've gotten older.

i can't say he was either physically or psychologically missing, but i definitely think there's a relationship between infantilism and unstable relationships with parents. maybe that's a trigger for paraphilia in general.
 

dentedwheel

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My dad was both physically and at least partially psychologically there. He is a tough nut to crack, but I know he is there for me. His childhood explains a lot about why he is the way he is. I know this and I have to give him credit for being different than his father, in a good way.
 

Pramrider

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Yes, my father was missing from my life - due to mental illness, a complete nervous breakdown, while my mother was pregnant with me. He was never the same person afterwards from what my mother and older sisters told me. He mostly talked to himself or took naps a lot during the day, so there was no real bonding going on between himself and I. I certaily can't blame him for the situation he ended up in. No one saw it coming at the time.

As to whether his absense from my life had something to do with my infantilism, who can say? My opinion is that it did partly. The other part that may have affected me psychologically was my mother having to go out and work in his place when I was early toddler age. She said I was a healthy, good eating baby until that happened. Afterwards I stopped eating good and became much thinner. I picked at my food and stayed skinny the rest of my growing years. Guess that's why I'm still barely at the weight I should be for my height. I think since I couldn't be close to my dad, all my bonding was to my mother. Then, to have her gone much of the day working made it that much harder for me to deal with, like I didn't have either parent to be close with.

~Pramrider
 

irecomme

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i stopped living with either of my parents when i was 7. I saw my mother occasionally, but i've not really had anything to do with my dad since then.
 

BromeTeks

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I had both parents well there till I was about 12, then they got a divorce. Ever since, I have been living with my dad and getting calls from my mom (It was a nice clean divorce).
 

mm3

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My father didn't live with us, my parents split right before my sister was born (1996). I see my father every weekend though, and I work with him on oddjobs from time to time, so he wasn't "gone" gone.
 

doubledbbw

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I know that this is not the missing father that you mean but I just had to post it anyways. I lost my father when I was 9 in a car accident. He was also gone for 13 months on a tour in Viet Nam too. But the time we spent together we made up for lost time. It has been over 40 years since he departed this earth and I still miss him. He and my mother now reside in Arlington National Cemetery. I always tell younger people never take your parents for granted some day they may be gone and you cannot spend time with them any more.
 
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I can honestly say that my father was a good man and he brought me up really well and treated me right, aside from the occasional smacking with a leather belt which I, more often than not, deserved. All through my life he's been a great support net for me and still continues in this fashion. He's a person with a great knowledge of both trivial and professional information, a good resource for help and guidance, he asks all the right questions and is considerably headstrong and opinionated... although the latter two points are his downfall at times, same with his short temper and complete lack of patience.

Physically, it's quite apparent that there is something missing there. However, it's also very clear that we both aren't "touchy-feely" sort of people and we like our own space, so I think there is a silent understanding there that we just don't make contact with each other at all, unless by accident and we're both fine with that. Psychologically there isn't anything missing or wrong, but at times I feel his ignorance and bigotry is both oppressive and depressing to experience. Sometimes I know with complete confidence that he's wrong, but I never point it out because I'm so sick of trying to correct everything and being called an arrogant smartass.
 

DiaperBadBoy

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I never really had a father, he was there in my life for a short moment. I was raised by my mother, she did the best she could, and of course I love her, but it just isn't enough for me. The worst part was to me, was my mom was white and I was black. It was always hard to explain to people that my mother was white. I think I had some of the most difficult child life growing up. Mind you I did have a mother, but one of a different race, is really difficult.

Without my dad, I'm a better person. I did a lot of bad, and I know I needed a father figure. Physically, and Psychology I needed him, I was a quiet child and never said anything
 
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