Emotions, memories and hormones.

Kittyinpink

Asexual, pre - op transgender woman
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Hey hey , all !
I am in physical pain , an old injury to my back decided to come for tea ! šŸ¤£.. (don't we all get a bit put out, when people turn up unexpected..?)
Well , here is my real pain , far more horrible than the intense physical pain I am dealing with..
I am coming to terms with the fact , I can't win against my past tormentors.. I have to accept absolute defeat ..
I feel elated ! Because I am free from bullying now , after 10 useless years of struggling in a job I should have left from the beginning.. something I would have done without a thought.. normally.. but I was exhausted, and I didn't know how .. I was vulnerable, hurting from an abusive relationship.. I never recovered, and ended up dependent on a work situation that was very demeaning and hurtful.. I was assaulted, by two women , one only once , the other constantly.. I told , but I was ignored. And I was forced to prove myself all the time , which was exhausting..
I lost my 10 years of life , fighting for a job security.. and I was eventually, exhausted and ruined..
I am on a transition hormone regime, that plays havoc with my emotions.. I am close to tears all the time , and constantly afraid , that I may fail one of my health tests , if I do , I lose everything.
How do you guys , deal with painful and traumatic memories? In a healthy way ?
And how do I stop crying all the time every 5 weeks ? I have hormonal surges roughly every 5 weeks for some unknown reason..
I am doing well on my life course .. but I am in so much internal pain as I travel forward.. I understand I must face my past.. but I am in so much mental and now physical pain..
It's hard for me to stay positive and kind..
I sometimes fantasise about hurting the bullying people back .. I know I can't.. but the dreams of revenge/justice haunt me..
I want to let go .. I need to let go ..
But I can't.. my dreams hurt me , I wake up scared and angry.. and , yes mainly frightened..
Any suggestions? How I can put my past to bed ?
I want to live a kind , gentle life..
But my brain is screaming with hurts and fears ..
 

Hellsreach

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I know how you feel.. I'm on medication to help with my emotional problems that I have a hard time controlling but still have some bad days. I was in the adoption system as a kid and when I outgrew my last foster home I finally felt free of physical abuse and neglect (i'm 27 now) I struggle still with social interaction because I was not allowed to leave my room and feared my parents abuse as a child and they're days still that I feel like I'll never be able to let the past go. The one thing that saves me is positive self care.. even if its something simple like taking a hot bath I know I have that set aside for the day and no one can change that... that's "me" time. As for physical pain I do hold a medical card but I have found CBD to take the edge off of bad gnawing pain. I'm sorry you're struggling today but for someone who struggles a lot sometimes your not alone.
 
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Kittyinpink

Asexual, pre - op transgender woman
Est. Contributor
Messages
4,839
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Sissy
Hellsreach said:
I know how you feel.. I'm on medication to help with my emotional problems that I have a hard time controlling but still have some bad days. I was in the adoption system as a kid and when I outgrew my last foster home I finally felt free of physical abuse and neglect (i'm 27 now) I struggle still with social interaction because I was not allowed to leave my room and feared my parents abuse as a child and they're days still that I feel like I'll never be able to let the past go. The one thing that saves me is positive self care.. even if its something simple like taking a hot bath I know I have that set aside for the day and no one can change that... that's "me" time. As for physical pain I do hold a medical card but I have found CBD to take the edge off of bad gnawing pain. I'm sorry you're struggling today but for someone who struggles a lot sometimes your not alone.
Oh ! Thank you So much !
I totally understood your post . šŸ˜Š THANK YOU.
Sometimes. I get so messed up !
I feel like I should be the most evil šŸ˜ˆ monster ever ! I can stop all the bad memories.. I won't be afraid anymore.. I will be a big , scary monster with no remorse..
That's just a horrible dream / fantasy .. but I hate it !! And I am so upset , that I feel so afraid, I want to become a monster that eats them all up !! šŸ˜ˆ
 
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Hellsreach

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your looking at it in a positive way though :) and I get feeling like an evil monster, sometimes I like to feel like I flip all the badness on itself in order to do more good in life.
 
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Kittyinpink

Asexual, pre - op transgender woman
Est. Contributor
Messages
4,839
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Sissy
Hellsreach said:
your looking at it in a positive way though :) and I get feeling like an evil monster, sometimes I like to feel like I flip all the badness on itself in order to do more good in life.
Thanks.. sometimes, recently.. I feel I am losing control.. I know I will never , but I must admit.. I wish a avenging force , would destroy the people who hurt and scare me..
I am uncertain about who I am .. if I can feel , not hate , but a desire , to get rid of the bad , the dominant..
 
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Hellsreach

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I think your kicking butt at being the best version of you, you got this!
 
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Kittyinpink

Asexual, pre - op transgender woman
Est. Contributor
Messages
4,839
Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Sissy
Hellsreach said:
I think your kicking butt at being the best version of you, you got this!
Thank you šŸ˜Š
 
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Hellsreach

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welcome :)
 
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