Depth

[DLGrif]

When indecision is caused by many layers of thought, does that indicate great depth, or great confusion?

I am seriously hesitant to describe my problem on this forum, because I am certain the majority of the responses will prematurely diagnose it as withdrawal or purging of diapers. It is true that they remain my favorite fantasy, and in real life it has manifested as childlike energy and cheerfulness, on top of having made me more desiring of physical contact than most men, even in an increasingly feminine society. Regardless, I will give you the gist of the problem, and through your responses, give more specific information.

Since almost two years ago, due to a series of relatively traumatic events, I've been trying to change into a more sociable person, and make real-life friends. This effort has been overwhelmingly successful, and not only do I have 4-6 very good friends in the same apartment complex, but I am an officer in a campus fraternity and senator on the SGA. Somehow I got status as well as friends.

However, the SGA and my friends, while very awesome, are corrupt. Feeling ripped off by rising tuition, we often plot ways to allocate club funding to things that would ultimately (or directly) benefit us, such as 1 TB hard drives for the IT club to use, hard drives which would then be forgotten. I'm falling into this pattern myself, unfortunately. My philosophy has always been one of minimalism, where I rarely buy myself things and make do with what I have, but nowadays that belief is giving way to selfishness, a disposition that is not so hesitant to obtain this-and-that. This is very troublesome to me because one of the key elements of my philosophy is honesty. It's a big strain for me to ask for, or take, things that I don't earn, but at the same time I see my friends going through the channels and collecting a lot of their own things, which is overly frustrating to me.

I used to spend a good majority of my time on the internet, but since two years ago my policy was that friends will trump anything internet-related. Once I'd made friends, about a year ago, I suddenly found myself away from the computer a good deal. Now it's to the point where I'm hardly online before 11 PM. My online friends, who have spent the most time with me, and who have learned all of my secrets, and whose advice I trust the most, are more and more difficult to contact. I have told my real-life friends little things about me, but when they didn't reciprocate, I was less eager to open up. I can't talk about my feelings unless the mood is already somber and they aren't busy, and even then, only in a one-on-one talk. And even then, there's too much to say, and a part of me still feels guilty for not keeping up appearances and appearing weak. They listen quite well when I do open up, but only one has anything to say in return.

I've gotten myself wrapped up in school projects and SGA affairs, of which there are a lot. Not only do I not have time for my other hobbies, but I consider them less important, despite the fact that they are integral to my character. It's to the point where my physical energy and my hobbies are leaving me. Bottom line, I'm depressed. Perhaps the willful giving up of my favorite things has started a chain reaction, where I feel fine with not being happy as long as I'm doing what I should be doing. The point is, it looks like I can either continue building my social status at the cost of my personality, or change directions and attempt to rekindle my child side at the cost of real-world opportunities.

I'm seriously undecided here. Either way is a slippery slope, and I lack the emotional support of my online friends to keep me from reverting too far, not to mention my real-life friends encouraging socialization. My recent physical weakness is a definite indicator that something is seriously wrong, that I've lost my balance. I'll clarify what's at stake here. If I continue as I am now, I risk losing the most interesting things about me: my depth, philosophy and energy. But if I seek to reclaim my personality, I risk losing the respect of my friends, and the mental changes that brought about my social life: hygiene, politics, and time management.

I really don't want to hear hackneyed answers. Unless the solution is blindingly obvious and I'm the only one that doesn't get it, I want you to seriously consider your response. It's not urgent at all, but very important to me.

 

[Shen]

"To know what you are really like... and acknowledge it... a positive thinking of enjoying yourself... isn't that what true strength is?"

Not to sound pendant. But, I think what you're real problem here is moderation, it seems you live in the extremes of society. Either anti social or social, or child like or adult like. An adult can embrace every aspect of themselve and be a real person even to themselves but still be respectable towards other people because of their hygiene politics time management or even social equality. To most people when a person is either entirely themselves "open, objective, outgoing about everything." without any serious time to evaluate a situation, it seems fake. It goes for the same with vise versa. That a person who is entirely serious all of the time will seem uptight and not focusing on lifes true greatnesses. Perhaps you need to find that middle ground.

I might be entirely missing the point here. If so sorry.

 

[Maverick]

Grif,

It sounds like you like DL-ism, and you wouldn't want to give it up. You also enjoy having friends and status, as well. You make it as an ultimatum, though. You don't have to choose one or the other. Like Shen said, you should find a moderation between the two. Try to spend less time with your friends and the SGA and use that time for diapers and your online life. You'll still have time with your friends and the SGA but now with diapers and the online world too. I realize your friends are in the same apartment complex as you, and that you have many social responsibilities, so they will wonder why you are spending time alone, so that could complicate things. Are your friends nosy? Will they ask you what you're doing in your apartment room alone?

Don't feel bad about being selfish. In this world full of selfish people, everyone has to be selfish sometimes, to not fall behind. About feeling like you need to earn something before getting it, how haven't you earned it? You sound like a successful person.

Why would friends trump anything Internet-related? As long as you're not spending your life on the Internet, I don't think they'd trump it. Practically, everyone uses the Internet nowadays.

All of that is really deep, and I'm struggling to write a response. It's tough to understand and offer good advice. Anyway, I think you need to find moderation and not view it as an ultimatum. You can compromise some of the time with your real life friends and the SGA for diapers and online friends.

 

[Peachy]

I think Shen's right - you need more moderation in your activities. That means value your online time and friends as much as your offline friends, because (1) it sounds like they've been around before your offline friends and thus deserve respect for having been your friends for so long, and (2) you can talk to them about AB/DL related stuff that your offline friends seem to shy away from.

My suggestion is this: Set aside 2 or 3 days a week when you devote most of your free time to your online activities. Thus your online friends know when they can reasonably expect you to be around to talk, and when you'll be out with your offline friends. Obviously, it's harder to tell your offline friends that you can't hang out with them - online contacts can be shut up with the click of a button (the "shut down computer"-one!), but you and they will have to learn that you have other friends/responsibilities too. And of course don't hang out in front of the computer all the time either - do spend at least half of your free time with your offline friends.
Yes, that will mean cutting back on some of your offline activities or social responsibilities. There's only so much time you have, and you have to use it wisely. Yes, some (offline) friends will be annoyed when they will be told "no", but it sounds that you do need to rebound from the other extreme of never being around for your online friends just as you'Ve rebounded from the extreme of spending all your time online. Remember (as SHen said), the best strategy is usually somewhere in between the two extremes. "Status" doesn't buy you anything when, at the end of the day, you're feeling unhappy, depressed, and physically exhausted.

Peachy

 

[avery]

you need to stop using money that isn't yours to buy things that you don't need; it obviously conflicts strongly with your sense of ethics. and well it should, because it's dishonest and wasteful. the thing about friends is that there's always a temptation to go along with whatever they do. but if your friends are doing something wrong, you have to find the courage and integrity to make your own decisions.

i think that the fact that you're feeling conflicted between your friends and your ABism is simply because you haven't found the greatest friends. it's easy to ballance a healthy social life with AB activities and online friends -- you just have to be selective about who you spend time with. the friends you've made seem like fairly unpleasant people -- they steal from their school's budget and they're unwilling to confide in you or to support you when you confide in them. worse still, it sounds like you're letting them turn you into someone like them. i'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with them anymore, but maybe you should concentrate your time and attention on finding friends who have a sense of right and wrong, and who are more willing to have open, honest discussions with you about things that matter. "make new friends but keep the old."

 

[DLGrif]

you need to stop using money that isn't yours to buy things that you don't need; it obviously conflicts strongly with your sense of ethics.

This is solid advice and I'll have to consider it.

i'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with them anymore, but maybe you should concentrate your time and attention on finding friends who have a sense of right and wrong, and who are more willing to have open, honest discussions with you about things that matter.

Relatively, these are some of the best people here to confide in. I could tell them all of my secrets and they wouldn't have a thought of betraying me. But unlike other breeds of geek that you'd find on this campus, they also possess a sociable mindset, so their advice will not be BIASED per se. The one friend who does actively discuss feelings with me has, himself, a hard case of multiple personalities, but he has the willpower to manage it; it's for this reason that I connect with him so well. The rest of my friends don't have anything that truly threatens the way they live...they can see where I'm coming from, but probably fail to understand how important it is to me, and so wisely choose not to give me bad advice.

I'm always on the lookout for new friends, but they must be personally unbiased for me to integrate their advice on a deep level, at least in any subject that I have an existing opinion on. (For example, I haven't given too much thought to monetary ethics, so avery's opinion is easier to consider.)

I'll respond to the rest of the posts when I'm not on a school computer.

 

[DLGrif]

I grew up with a lot of apathy towards the real world, because I found it easier to simply live--that is, entertaining myself with the computer, performing my chores and schoolwork, and not getting caught up in social anxieties or adventures. When I got to college, I threw all that away and began living in extremes, gradually learning about every aspect of a lifestyle before moving on. I used to be extremely emotional and regularly depressed, because I wanted to see what it was like to be dependent on other babyfurs. I experimented with playing counsellor to many babyfurs, with one part faked strength, one part actual strength. Now I've experimented with putting my desires on low priority, and seeking a social network.

Currently, I believe that since this is the real world, I can learn a lot more rapidly in this environment than on the internet. Having thought more about it today, I think the problem is that "normality", particularly elitism, is becoming boring, and I have to change yet again to a new lifestyle, to keep my mind active. I can honestly say that I possess great willpower and patience, as indicated by my history of long-term mental projects. I understand what you are all saying about moderation, but I am unique in that sense, believing that I'm strong enough to gain happiness and knowledge by leaping around, instead of plotting the same familiar course. This emotional backlash may be an indication that it's time to change something, but I can see immediately that moderation will get old fast.

The one friend who actively listens to me is, as I've said, possessing of a mental problem (which is improving rapidly), great willpower, strong morality, and strong faith in God. I have no religion--not that I'm atheistic or agnostic, but I simply don't care. I choose to live by what I know from empirical and rational knowledge. I once told him, about a year ago, that I was "planning" or "predicting" myself adopting an as yet undecided religion sometime around four years from now, because I could envision the circumstances requiring that sort of mental change. He was almost offended by how casually I put it. That point has not been reached yet, so the idea will remain in the back of my mind.

Since this friend is also a 10+ year student of kung fu and muay thai (under an incredibly wise sifu), I have created common ground with him through exercising and conditioning. I'm still weaker than the average man my age, but my strength, stamina and health have improved dramatically, and I'm beginning to think this is an avenue I may pursue. Lately I've been desiring to learn various tricks and skills, like the piano, lockpicking, or stickplay. What better art is there than a martial art?

Simply typing this all up, my thoughts are becoming more coherent. I will give more thought to the possibility of adopting a martial art as the focus. It will coincide nicely with my minimalistic nature, of course, requiring little to no materials for training purposes. Thoughts on this are welcome, as I probably will not have made up my mind for a little while.

 

[avery]

dude, you're awesome! i love the way you totally change your personality around whenever you get bored with the one you've had until then. i think to a large extent all of us do that exact thing but pretend that we're just being natural: i admire the way you do it so consciously and deliberately. there's something really honest about that.

here's a thought if you're interested... have you considered whether there's an inner "you" beneath all the changes in how you act and what you do with your time? the reason i ask is because i think it's possible to be true to yourself, at least to a certain extent, and i think people can get very unhappy if they try to deny who they are and be somebody different. for example, you have this new group of SGA/fraternity friends, and you've been trying to become one of them by acting the way they act and doing the things they do. to a certain extent i think that's perfectly possible, ("fake it till you make it" really works!) but when you try to be like them by stealing money and buying a lot of crap you don't need you find that it conflicts with your inner sense of right and wrong, and your tendency toward minimalism. it also seems to conflict with your desire to maintain your online friendships and make time for AB activities. it seems inevitable that that sort of internal conflict would lead to unhappiness.

being a chameleon is spiffy, but i don't think anyone can truly deny who they are inside. the people who really come out on the top of my awesome list are the people who are able to fit into society or into a social group while still truly thinking for themselves. my advice is that as you take on different roles, religions, martial arts, etc, you resist the urge to totally conform to any preconceived notion of who you should be, and listen to the impulses that tell you who you truly are inside and what makes you unique and special.

sorry if that sounds tacky, but there's actually a lot of truth to those things they told us in elementary school assemblies!

 

[DLGrif]

I have to mention that we haven't really stolen money on that significant a scale. My only actual gain was a $70 capture card, whereas my friend Joe has taken several sticks of RAM and some hard drives from the radio station (which would have been thrown out anyways, when they upgraded their equipment). It's the intent that bugs me, not the act.

In any case, whatever I am inside, I don't know. I'd like to say that of all the people I've met, I'm the most self-aware and honest, which really comes out to understanding that I know nothing. As far as I can tell, the only real constant inside of me is mutability, which is constant in every human (it's what makes us human, after all.) If I'm an adult, a child, a cat, a geek...even without labels, I can't really say. When I commit to a change, that change slowly but surely seeps into all but the deepest parts of me. When I switch to another "mental project," I find that the best of the lessons is retained, such as childhood giving me endless patience, ABDL giving me childish energy and optimism, and society giving me hygiene and networking skills.

By my theory, martial arts will teach me discipline, strip away the arrogance and elitism, and boost my willpower even further. It is definitely a viable option, and a path that everyone knows to be a long-term committment...in other words, a tangible demonstration of my patience.

 

[Shen]

Relatively, these are some of the best people here to confide in. I could tell them all of my secrets and they wouldn't have a thought of betraying me. But unlike other breeds of geek that you'd find on this campus, they also possess a sociable mindset, so their advice will not be BIASED per se.

Sometimes it can seem like that. A couple of my friends that I talked to very often about my abdlism recently uprooted and decided out of no where it was bad for my health. They were completely apathetic towards it ALL of the time before and sometimes even interested in it. So, when dealing with people about serious situations especially like abdlism, where no one can possibly ever understand the feelings unless they are one. You should be careful that the negative energy doesn't warp your perspective when dealing with life situations. And when dealing with matters where they are unsure of how to go about coherently judging them, no one is ever unbaised. I'm not talking about you and your dlism or anything I'm just using my apathetic friends as an example of how even the most intelligent of people who put their morales and beliefs above trusting friends regardless of whether it hurts them or even destroys the friendship. When you feel absolutely comfortable around someone and not paranoid that they are thinking things that you are afraid of. That is a friend/partner you belong with. Also, I speak in idealism so I tend to stray away from the general point of things, but I believe most of this information can be extremely relevent to your situation if you let it be.

 

[Corri]

Ah, now I understand. The other day when I was over I didn't quite... understand what you meant, by what you said.... now I do.

Grif.... I'm going to be perfectly honest here....
Your philosophy of "being at harmony with everything you are"... just isn't what you are doing. You... as I said before, don't need the extremes... It's very bad for you. See, now you are depressed because you are at conflict with everything; your morals, your personality, interests, and even your friends!
I understand that I breached that "offline-online" friend wall. Which could be part of why you feel this way. Yet again, I know you may get angry for me saying this, but the answer is so burningly obvious.... it's hard to accept. But, everyone else has said it as well, The Ben Folds Five put it best....

I know that you're in there
I can see you
You're saying you're okay
I don't believe you

And now that the gig is up
The spell is broken
The fat lady's sung
The president has spoken
These days that you were
Waiting for will come and go
Like any day

Just another day

There's never gonna be
A moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is
The thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live
With what you are

So freak out if you wanna
And I'll still be here
Don't call me for years
And when you do, yeah,
I'll still be here

I'm not saying the effort
Is a waste of time
But I just love you for
The things you couldn't change
Though you have tried
These hours of confusion
They will soon expire
Like everything does

There's never gonna be
A moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is
The thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live
With what you are

Sometimes everything you've ever wanted
Floats above sticking out its tongue
And laughing while
Everything that anyone could ever need
Is down below waiting for you

Know this

There's never gonna be
A moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
'Cause all you need is
The thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live
With what you are

You've got to learn to live
With what you are

You've got to learn to live
With what you are

Grif, I really care about you. I know that you are troubled by this constant act of changing, but.... we all go through it. But, there's always two out comes: One is coming out a better person, the other part... is not compromising who you *really* are. I'm not saying stick to the AB/DL life... it's not you, its a thing you do. But, instead... re-evaluate what is important to you...

Like I have been trying to say, what do you hope to accomplish in all this?
When you do it... can you say, was it worth it?