Depression is Killer

Chatzoe

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Depression feels like an inescapable pit. Some days you wonder if you'll get out one way or another.
I don't understand how I've gotten myself to this point in life, where I feel like nothing is going to get better. Normally, I'll pad up and be little when things get too much. But I've been out of it due stuff that has affected me emotionally. Each day is just a mere struggle to get through. So out of it that a week goes by in a blink. I've known that I've had depression through out my life. Many times very close to putting a bullet through my head due to life and social issues going on. But what made life hard years ago now feels like a small drop of water in a ocean compared to how and what I've felt in the last few months.​

Back in May, I had to make one of the most hardest decisions (so far) in my life. I had to pull the plug on my Mother, who a week earlier was walking and talking normally. In a span of a week: She was hospitalized because of liver issues, underwent surgery and was slated to get well, only to find out that she was dying. It hurt pulling that plug and I feel guilt that there might've been a chance for her to improve (very unlikely). At the same time I feel happy for it. This person was the cause of some major trust issues that I had growing up. She'd always look at my grades despite me getting a A-B average and suggesting that I was slacking in school. That lead to some very heated arguments that got very personal. She'd always go through my mail no matter what. Which lead to a few close calls of my ABDL side being discovered during my Teen Years. She'd go through my trash to 'find' stuff. Sided with my Father when he would emotionally abuse me for 'Not being a man' and talking about how they're glad that I'm not LGBTQ+ (Even though I knew I was at least Bi by that time) and the like.

I felt so conflicted during all of that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few months later in July, I planned a trip to go see my CG for the First time. Me and him have been talking for at least 3.5 years at that point. But this would be the first time that I see him face to face. We made arrangements and I went down. It was a fun 3hr drive. I went to his house and talked for what felt like minutes but were nothing more than hours. I was away from all of the shit back home and with a guy that has helped me out for those 3.5 years. For the week that I was down there, I felt many emotions. I felt happy for the first 2 days but it slowly turned into envy and loneliness.

My CG had a girlfriend who was ABDL aswell. She knew me due to going to the same High School for a bit, so we were already familiar. Surprisingly she took more care of me than my CG. But that was for a fraction of a few days. We did Littlespace activities through out the entire trip and whatnot. Watched movies, visited parks, Made paper crafts. All of the things that made me feel little. But all in a position where I felt like I was the unwanted third wheel. Granted, I came in with unrealistic expectations. It felt like their focus was just on each other and not me. Led me to think that they're just doing this as a gesture of pity. I didn't have the heart to tell them my issues because I didn't want to lose them. I didn't want to be alone again, stuck with the same thoughts that one day might kill me.

After the trip ended, I headed back home. The moment I parked into my parking space, I just broke down. Even in the company of others, I felt alone.
Now I have another trip coming up in December. The same thoughts plague me as they did during July.
 
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Anemone

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Depression is, quite literally, the worst. My heart goes out to you.

At the moment your thoughts are not working properly, try not to indulge them. Obviously that is something easier said than done.

What has helped me has been to commit myself to doing what feels right, after years of straining against what I thought I should do. Turns out that my neglected feeling self is just as important as the thinking and behaving, if you're anything like me that might be something of the balance that is missing in your life?
 

Chatzoe

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Anemone said:
.What has helped me has been to commit myself to doing what feels right, after years of straining against what I thought I should do. Turns out that my neglected feeling self is just as important as the thinking and behaving, if you're anything like me that might be something of the balance that is missing in your life?

I've never be able to find that 'balance'. I really don't have time to sit down and think about it
 

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I understand those feelings, but nothing a diaper won't fix.
I don't know many ABDL in person but the few I have met have made me feel uncomfortable I think humans are very difficult.
I haven't found that balance at all either.
 

Anemone

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Chatzoe said:
I've never be able to find that 'balance'. I really don't have time to sit down and think about it
Thinking about it won't help if you are already thinking too much. I had to feel my way through, I expect you may have to do something similar.

It is the most important issue on your agenda right now, family; friends; community; or career are not threatening you with a bullet if left unattended.
 

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That sucks, I struggle with loneliness a lot myself and some depression, tho it's probably not as harsh as you.
I really hope you find a solution or some form of comfort.
Sending much love.
 
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Chatzoe

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Exodus said:
I really hope you find a solution or some form of comfort.

I hope so. I hate feeling like a shell of a person.
 

fleckothefennec

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Sorry to hear your sadness but thank you for sharing with us, I hope it makes you feel less alone.

I'm afraid I don't have any magical advise for you that will make you happy again. I have definitely been to the point where you are now, nothing others said helped me either, just time.

I could suggest possibly some meditation. That definitely has helped me. There are great free ones online, my favorite source is Gaia.

Or try making yourself a motivational spirit board. A large poster that you put hopes, dreams and plans on, make sure to include lots of positive quotes and fun pictures that make you happy (mine has lots of foxes😏)

Be well fellow fox, we're all in this together 🦊😌
 

chrischrischris

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Most people don't understand depression, I never say I'm depressed to anyone Thay think you're having a bad day, depressed is a big word, you can't fight it just makes you worse, I've had depression
So painful my body hurted so much ,
Cheer up is the last thing you wanna hear
 

chrischrischris

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I come off antidepressants in 2013 doctor kept putting the strength of the tablets up, went cold turkey long story off work with other medical issues for 6 months, yeah off the tablets against the doctors orders, now left with social anxiety
 

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Depression is a terrible disease to be suffering from. I hope that you get some help. I needed medication to treat it. It took some time to get the right combination that works for me.
 
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chrischrischris

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Chatzoe said:
Depression feels like an inescapable pit. Some days you wonder if you'll get out one way or another.
I don't understand how I've gotten myself to this point in life, where I feel like nothing is going to get better. Normally, I'll pad up and be little when things get too much. But I've been out of it due stuff that has affected me emotionally. Each day is just a mere struggle to get through. So out of it that a week goes by in a blink. I've known that I've had depression through out my life. Many times very close to putting a bullet through my head due to life and social issues going on. But what made life hard years ago now feels like a small drop of water in a ocean compared to how and what I've felt in the last few months.​

Back in May, I had to make one of the most hardest decisions (so far) in my life. I had to pull the plug on my Mother, who a week earlier was walking and talking normally. In a span of a week: She was hospitalized because of liver issues, underwent surgery and was slated to get well, only to find out that she was dying. It hurt pulling that plug and I feel guilt that there might've been a chance for her to improve (very unlikely). At the same time I feel happy for it. This person was the cause of some major trust issues that I had growing up. She'd always look at my grades despite me getting a A-B average and suggesting that I was slacking in school. That lead to some very heated arguments that got very personal. She'd always go through my mail no matter what. Which lead to a few close calls of my ABDL side being discovered during my Teen Years. She'd go through my trash to 'find' stuff. Sided with my Father when he would emotionally abuse me for 'Not being a man' and talking about how they're glad that I'm not LGBTQ+ (Even though I knew I was at least Bi by that time) and the like.

I felt so conflicted during all of that.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few months later in July, I planned a trip to go see my CG for the First time. Me and him have been talking for at least 3.5 years at that point. But this would be the first time that I see him face to face. We made arrangements and I went down. It was a fun 3hr drive. I went to his house and talked for what felt like minutes but were nothing more than hours. I was away from all of the shit back home and with a guy that has helped me out for those 3.5 years. For the week that I was down there, I felt many emotions. I felt happy for the first 2 days but it slowly turned into envy and loneliness.

My CG had a girlfriend who was ABDL aswell. She knew me due to going to the same High School for a bit, so we were already familiar. Surprisingly she took more care of me than my CG. But that was for a fraction of a few days. We did Littlespace activities through out the entire trip and whatnot. Watched movies, visited parks, Made paper crafts. All of the things that made me feel little. But all in a position where I felt like I was the unwanted third wheel. Granted, I came in with unrealistic expectations. It felt like their focus was just on each other and not me. Led me to think that they're just doing this as a gesture of pity. I didn't have the heart to tell them my issues because I didn't want to lose them. I didn't want to be alone again, stuck with the same thoughts that one day might kill me.

After the trip ended, I headed back home. The moment I parked into my parking space, I just broke down. Even in the company of others, I felt alone.
Now I have another trip coming up in December. The same thoughts plague me as they did during July.
I feel for you my wife divorced me my mum died a year later because of the stress my x put her under, then my dad died a year later of a broken Hart
 
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chrischrischris

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When I get bad I just think what my son told me he said think nice thoughts like butterfly's and birds
 

Chatzoe

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ORBaby said:
Depression is a terrible disease to be suffering from. I hope that you get some help. I needed medication to treat it. It took some time to get the right combination that works for me.
Unfortunately I'm not in the position to be able to take medication for it. Military kinda frowns upon that
 

Chatzoe

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fleckothefennec said:
Or try making yourself a motivational spirit board. A large poster that you put hopes, dreams and plans on, make sure to include lots of positive quotes and fun pictures that make you happy (mine has lots of foxes😏)

Be well fellow fox, we're all in this together 🦊😌

I might try to do that. Unfortunately most my dreams might not come to fruition due to state-of-the-world right now. I got my stuffed foxes to help me out with that department anyways
 
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fleckothefennec

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Chatzoe said:
I might try to do that. Unfortunately most my dreams might not come to fruition due to state-of-the-world right now. I got my stuffed foxes to help me out with that department anyways
Yah I feel you on "the state of the world" it can seem pretty dismal, I try to stay away from the news😌 also I'm lucky to live away from the rest of the world for the most part.

Who knows what dreams may come, perhaps ones you have not dreamed of yet

I have a few stuffed foxes as well, they definitely bring me comfort when I'm stressed, the smaller of the two travels with me when I get contracted by nearby resorts, he's my emotional support fox🦊😁
 

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I had to make the decision to take my wife off life support and it was the worst thing I've ever had to do. I spent the first year in deep depression and then I got my daughter to help me make an appointment at a psychiatric facility. It's helped but grief isn't something that ever goes away. You will always miss that person. I've learned how to deal with it by staying busy and trying to be around people. I still work a part time job which helps.

There's a book on Amazon called "Don't Take My Grief from Me". You have a right to grieve and it's something that we all go through sooner or later. It's how we live through it that matters. It's okay to seek help from others. They will understand. I still have friends who ask me how I'm doing. If I've had a reasonably good day I'll say so and if not, I say it has been a down day. They always understand because they've been there.
 

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Depression and anxiety is a tough thing. People say “oh cheer up, snap out of it”, etc…. It is not that easy, if it were I would have done it.

The last going on 3-4 years have been really really really rough on my mental health.
In late 2018 my job at one of the largest cellphone providers in the US was getting very stressful. A culture of abuse was allowed, two faced management, and a change at the top levels made the company ‘different’. After one horrible day I got about half a mile away from work and literally broke down crying and i knew that i needed to move along in my career. About a week later the company offered a voluntary severance program.

I ended up ending my employment the week before CAPCon 2019. I got paid for 37 weeks of pay and insurance. Basically I did not work from april to December 2019.

I started a new job January 2020…. Oh if i could have only known what the next two years would bring.
March 17, 2020 I roll into the work and was told… take this laptop and two monitors and go home…. It’s just for 2-3 weeks tops…. Yeah sure!! 20 months later
October 2020 - no TeddyCon
March 2021 - no CAPCon
2021 was fun… i had open heart surgery, let’s not repeat that again
October 2021 - Teddycon cancelled
By now my little side needed to be let out. I needed to be near my people, being little alone is no fun. I started to really get depressed, very short fuse, moody as heck. Nothing brought me joy. Everything big or small set me off.

I literally was about to clean out my savings, 401K etc and pack up my most needed things (camera, laptop, ipad, clothes, etc) and run away in the middle of the night without a destination or end in sight.
I wanted to run away more as an adult than I ever did as a child

I had a local ABDL friend who i could at least confide in. If it was not for him, i would have gotten worse

I just could not go on much longer. I went to my family doctor who is also a mental health doctor. I got on some Prozac and a mood stabilizer…. Now i am way more mellow….. it will be what it will be.

You have to take care of your own needs, do it for you.
 

Chatzoe

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diapernh said:
Depression and anxiety is a tough thing. People say “oh cheer up, snap out of it”, etc…. It is not that easy, if it were I would have done it.

Same. The amount of times that I have been told that is very staggering. Some people don't see mental health as something that should be worried about. They really don't care until after somebody acts upon their emotions
 

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My doctor explained it this way….
My parents and their parents did not have the benefit of good anti-depressants, so they used alcohol and recreational drugs to make it through their depression. Also mental health was not a thing people talked about, and if it was talked about it was in a negative light (they’re crazy, insane, coo coo, psycho, etc)

We now have better medications and there has been more awareness of mental health. There has NOT been any better help or resources for people. You literally have to hit rock bottom and be non-functioning to be able to seek help. For example i called one place and the wait to see somebody was 2 months and then they only did mondays and fridays (two days that are hard to take off work). Or they only wanted to do virtual sessions; which i did not want to do as i like the privacy of the in person office
 
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