- Messages
- 136
- Age
- 20
- Role
-
- Adult Baby
- Diaper Lover
- Babyfur
- Diaperfur
- Little
Depression feels like an inescapable pit. Some days you wonder if you'll get out one way or another.
I don't understand how I've gotten myself to this point in life, where I feel like nothing is going to get better. Normally, I'll pad up and be little when things get too much. But I've been out of it due stuff that has affected me emotionally. Each day is just a mere struggle to get through. So out of it that a week goes by in a blink. I've known that I've had depression through out my life. Many times very close to putting a bullet through my head due to life and social issues going on. But what made life hard years ago now feels like a small drop of water in a ocean compared to how and what I've felt in the last few months.
Back in May, I had to make one of the most hardest decisions (so far) in my life. I had to pull the plug on my Mother, who a week earlier was walking and talking normally. In a span of a week: She was hospitalized because of liver issues, underwent surgery and was slated to get well, only to find out that she was dying. It hurt pulling that plug and I feel guilt that there might've been a chance for her to improve (very unlikely). At the same time I feel happy for it. This person was the cause of some major trust issues that I had growing up. She'd always look at my grades despite me getting a A-B average and suggesting that I was slacking in school. That lead to some very heated arguments that got very personal. She'd always go through my mail no matter what. Which lead to a few close calls of my ABDL side being discovered during my Teen Years. She'd go through my trash to 'find' stuff. Sided with my Father when he would emotionally abuse me for 'Not being a man' and talking about how they're glad that I'm not LGBTQ+ (Even though I knew I was at least Bi by that time) and the like.
I felt so conflicted during all of that.
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A few months later in July, I planned a trip to go see my CG for the First time. Me and him have been talking for at least 3.5 years at that point. But this would be the first time that I see him face to face. We made arrangements and I went down. It was a fun 3hr drive. I went to his house and talked for what felt like minutes but were nothing more than hours. I was away from all of the shit back home and with a guy that has helped me out for those 3.5 years. For the week that I was down there, I felt many emotions. I felt happy for the first 2 days but it slowly turned into envy and loneliness.
My CG had a girlfriend who was ABDL aswell. She knew me due to going to the same High School for a bit, so we were already familiar. Surprisingly she took more care of me than my CG. But that was for a fraction of a few days. We did Littlespace activities through out the entire trip and whatnot. Watched movies, visited parks, Made paper crafts. All of the things that made me feel little. But all in a position where I felt like I was the unwanted third wheel. Granted, I came in with unrealistic expectations. It felt like their focus was just on each other and not me. Led me to think that they're just doing this as a gesture of pity. I didn't have the heart to tell them my issues because I didn't want to lose them. I didn't want to be alone again, stuck with the same thoughts that one day might kill me.
After the trip ended, I headed back home. The moment I parked into my parking space, I just broke down. Even in the company of others, I felt alone.
Now I have another trip coming up in December. The same thoughts plague me as they did during July.
