Dealing with self-disgust

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JoeMiller

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So, as the title might imply. I am often disgusted with myself for having this kink. I'm not sure how I can actually get over it, being someone who is incredibly neurotic by default, it seems almost impossible to overcome the feelings of guilt, shame and self loathing that crop up. On top of that, not having access or rather, guaranteed safe access means I have to look a pictures of men and women on tumblr so to speak, which only makes me feel worse after. I just seem trapped in this mindset at the moment with regards to being a DL. Whilst I'm still pretty young, the idea of this continuing for the rest of my life also makes me shudder with revulsion. Anyway, that's my rant over.
 
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It gets easier each day. At this point in my life, I feel none.

When you're young, you have many different priorities than we do as older ABDL. It takes awhile for the guilt to be realized for what it is, and to let go of it. The quickest way I can make a point is to tell you to look at all of the people you have known in your entire life. Any of them into whips & chains? Pee games? Foot fetishism? Hanging by their skin? Little kids??? If you get the point, the truth is, these type of people exist in all forms, in all places, and you just don't know it. If you can take from that the concept that what people do in private REALLY IS their own thing, as long as no one is being hurt, including yourself. Diapers, doms, gaydom & lesbianism, panty fetishes, and all the rest, are all part of being human. No, you probably didn't say to yourself, I think I'll be an ABDL, but YOU KNOW, if that's what you are, it's not a death sentence. It just means you'll learn how to cope with this strange proclivity, the way others do, in private, as much as possible, and in public, in a way that brings no harm/foul to others, including bystanders, who may be children whose way of life hasn't quite been formed up, and who may no understand your adult choices. SO, keeping it to yourself, and to the other important person/people in your life, is all you're required to do. Wearing diapers is not a sin. It's not illegal. It does cross some social boundaries (as do tats), but society has nothing to say about your personal choices, lest they be hypocrites. A partner might choke on the desires, but many of them have desires of their own, vanilla or otherwise, and it's your job not to choke on their choices, if it doesn't destroy the relationship. Many would say diapers have already destroyed their relationship, but, maybe, not sharing the pertinent information, at the pertinent time, with the one they chose to spend their life with is what destroyed their future with their partner.
 

mrbuckeye87

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Yea man, chin up, it usually gets better with time. At this point in my life I have no shame about it, just annoyance and disappointment sometimes that my wife isn't fully embracing it. But I mean, she's still with me so hooray!
 

irnub

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On top of that, not having access or rather, guaranteed safe access means I have to look a pictures of men and women on tumblr so to speak, which only makes me feel worse after.
I'm generally ok with my fetish at this point, and even I feel gross after seeing pictures of people in diapers. Oddly enough though, drawings of furries in diapers don't bother me at all for some reason (and I'm saying that as someone who used to hate furries). I think it may have something to do with subconsciously feeling like I'm being a creep by looking at a total stranger that way, whereas there's no harm done if it's a fictional drawing.

I just seem trapped in this mindset at the moment with regards to being a DL. Whilst I'm still pretty young, the idea of this continuing for the rest of my life also makes me shudder with revulsion. Anyway, that's my rant over.
It will continue, but the way it is for you 10 years from now (or even 1 year from now) will be completely different than the way it is today. My experience was that I've had the kink going back to my earliest memories, but I didn't realize it was a thing until I was in my late teens. Over the course of several years I went from being nervous/excited just thinking about looking at the wikipedia entry on diapers (god that sounds cringy thinking back on it) to getting up enough nerve to buy some depends in a store (I was so nervous my arms were tingling and my fingers were numb by the time I'd carried them back to my car) to being able to wear diapers anywhere like they're regular underwear and it's no big deal.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that while diapers are still a special thing to me that I find arousing, they have nowhere near as big (and quite frankly, as annoying) an effect on me as they did just a few years ago. I can choose whether or not I want to wear them on any particular day (sometimes I go weeks without, despite having a supply handy), and if I do choose to wear, it's no big deal and I can go about my day basically as normal.

Also remember that your kink should not define who you are as a person. It's just one small part of what makes up your personality; and belongs in the same box as your favorite kind of food, your music preferences, and your choice of sports team to support.
 

mikesecret

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I don't know how much control we have over our fetishes. Certainly for younger people having a diaper and/or wetting fetish poses limitations on social life and personal relationships. But it needn't be so devastating that you can't find people who are either tolerant or have similar interests. Certainly the internet which wasn't around when I was younger and thought I was the only person in the world with these interests has made things easier. I also agree that a fetish doesn't define who you are as a person and it's easier if you learn to compartmentalize.
 

LittleLion

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It gets better over time, but it's important to remember that as long as you don't inconvenience anyone, you alone decide what you do. Liking diapers is a weird thing no doubt, but at the same time it's completely okay to do.
 

Trevor

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Taking a slightly different tack: you've been here for five years. I'm sure you've read similar threads here and you've raised the question in your threads to one degree or another a few times. Can you distill what is not compelling about the answers you've read over the years? Help us to give you a better answer if you can.
 

Sapphyre

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I think others have nailed this already, but I'll add my voice.

Some people have really weird fetishes, I mean even ones that I don't get (like toes and feet, for instance... wtf? o_O ). And they're more common than is often realized. And as long as it's something harmless... well, so what? What's so bad about it?

That's how I've looked at it anyway. I hope it helps.
 

irnub

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Some people have really weird fetishes, I mean even ones that I don't get (like toes and feet, for instance... wtf? o_O ).
I have a theory about that one actually. The way your brain maps sensory input and output is positional. If there was some kind of scifi technology that allowed doctors to isolate and reattach motor neurons, a brain surgeon could do something like literally remap your hands to your feet by moving the attachment points of your upper motor neurons around. The positioning is relatively well known in a baseline human adult. Check out the illustrations on this wikipedia page and pay attention to what the feet are right next to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortical_homunculus

I'd be willing to bet that with a sensitive enough brain scan, it would be possible to tell with a higher degree of accuracy than random guessing if an individual was likely to have a foot fetish.
 

Sapphyre

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I have a theory about that one actually. The way your brain maps sensory input and output is positional. If there was some kind of scifi technology that allowed doctors to isolate and reattach motor neurons, a brain surgeon could do something like literally remap your hands to your feet by moving the attachment points of your upper motor neurons around. The positioning is relatively well known in a baseline human adult. Check out the illustrations on this wikipedia page and pay attention to what the feet are right next to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortical_homunculus

I'd be willing to bet that with a sensitive enough brain scan, it would be possible to tell with a higher degree of accuracy than random guessing if an individual was likely to have a foot fetish.

That's interesting. I hadn't seen that before. Thank you for showing it to me. ^^
 

ST50

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I don't feel any self disgust. I became incontinent and had to start wearing nappies. I did a lot of searching on the net and found sites like this. I decided as there was no cure for my incontinence becoming DL was the way forward. Now I have the best of both worlds. I have to wear a nappy and thoroughly enjoy being in them. My wife worked out I was actually enjoying being in nappies but has no problems with me being DL. She says if it helps me cope then so what.
 

Fabpad

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I have a theory about that one actually. The way your brain maps sensory input and output is positional. If there was some kind of scifi technology that allowed doctors to isolate and reattach motor neurons, a brain surgeon could do something like literally remap your hands to your feet by moving the attachment points of your upper motor neurons around. The positioning is relatively well known in a baseline human adult. Check out the illustrations on this wikipedia page and pay attention to what the feet are right next to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortical_homunculus

I'd be willing to bet that with a sensitive enough brain scan, it would be possible to tell with a higher degree of accuracy than random guessing if an individual was likely to have a foot fetish.

I'm sorry but those two are not connected. Meaning, sensory input from the toes does not excite the genitals. If this was the case foot fetischists with this connection as you proposed would be able to masturbate by rubbing their toes. In addition, arousal and sensory information are two separate things, and are not necessarily connected. Arousal without sensory information can happen. So to sum it up. Fetisches are arousal onto objects your brain perceive as sexual (much like people find boobs attractive, and they are not "close in the homunculus illustration").

And yes, a few years ago I used to feel disgust too. You will with time learn to cope and accept yourself :)
 

dlissexy

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I struggle with it too, but I spoke to a councillor once who just said that ihad to accept it and to know that this was a part of me. Somethnig that excites me and its there now. So long as I wasnt
1) stealing nappies
2) spending more than I could afford on them
3) hurting myself
4) hurting others
5) unable to have sexual activity without them

Then what is the problem?

I thought this was particularly open minded, but strangely true.
Sure, i want to keep this hidden as society is full of conservative types, but what the heck. its ok.
 

JoeMiller

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Taking a slightly different tack: you've been here for five years. I'm sure you've read similar threads here and you've raised the question in your threads to one degree or another a few times. Can you distill what is not compelling about the answers you've read over the years? Help us to give you a better answer if you can.

I'm not sure. Maybe it has to do with by neurotic personality, I'm not sure what will actually make me finally accept. Perhaps time will, and I'll reach a point where I don't give a damn.
 

Trevor

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I'm not sure. Maybe it has to do with by neurotic personality, I'm not sure what will actually make me finally accept. Perhaps time will, and I'll reach a point where I don't give a damn.

I wish I knew how to fix that. I would love to have the time and energy I spent on resistance and self-loathing put to some more constructive purpose. There is a degree of self-knowledge that comes of that but it seems to me it could be achieved in better ways.

I think my biggest breakthrough was to see that it was strange but that strangeness in and of itself isn't bad. Strangeness might create complications but I deal with that to a lesser degree in other aspects of my life. When I gave myself permission to be both a weirdo and a good person, things started to improve notably.
 

dlissexy

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I'm not sure. Maybe it has to do with by neurotic personality, I'm not sure what will actually make me finally accept. Perhaps time will, and I'll reach a point where I don't give a damn.

I'm still learning acceptance... It can be tricky like when I went to the Boots pharmacy to get my nicotine gum and I had to go past the IC products section so it can always be in your face if you have it in your mind. But the more I learn about me and about it the more that I see how it works with me and I find sly ways to incorporate it into my life when needed. I have tried many things. Even using phone sex girls to discuss the issue with. That helped me for a while. But bit by bit I am getting there. Maybe its more to do with what attitude to take to it and in what context I am seeing the issue. That is a skill in its own right.
 
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