TabulaRasa2017 said:
Hello everyone,
First, I'm so sorry to hear that some of you had difficult childhoods, and I wish each of you peace and happiness and a way forward in figuring things out. I did not have such experiences so I how could I understand what each of you have been through?
I think this is one of those subjects where there must be a combination of nature, nurture, and random factors coming together. For example, I had a happy childhood, but I was the oldest of a large number of siblings and if I recall my mother made sure we were all potty trained by 2. All my siblings were trained at about that age and in the same way (I was old enough to observe the process for the last few), and I'm the only one who is ABDL. So I think we all want to attribute particular events with causes, but it can't be that simple or so many more people would be ABDL or some variant.
I think there is a tendency to view ABDL as unhealthy and as something that has a root cause in childhood trauma, or humiliation, or anything negative. Even the OP's thread suggests too much of a good thing (and therefore something that becomes bad) could be a cause. I'd just like to say whatever the origins of this in you, don't pathologize this in your life as you live it now. Part of what I see in this community are people searching for an answer to the origins of these behaviors in themselves because perhaps they are looking for a "cure". I understand that feeling because that used to be me, too. However, the reality seems to be that by whatever means these behaviors have manifested in each of us, they are typically here to stay. Why? Because I think they bring us everything from comfort to sexual gratification and everything in between. If it makes you happy, and if it doesn't hurt you or others, maybe letting go of the search for the origins might be helpful.
I agree that pondering the origins of these behaviors can be intellectually stimulating and fascinating, but at the end of the day it usually does nothing to change who we are. If you need to hear it, you are okay. I think that's what our community needs to hear and often - you are okay. Please believe that. Please know you can always reach out to others and surround yourself with good people who love for who you are.
Tab
TablaRasa2017
I always enjoy your posts for their smarts and kindness. This one too. You conclude with the inspiring statement –
“… that's what our community needs to hear and often - you are okay. Please believe that. Please know you can always reach out to others and surround yourself with good people who love for who you are.”
I absolutely concur. But I reach that space from a different path than your own. You post seems to imply that seeking an explanation is an obstacle to your inspiring end point – we are okay. It says -
“Part of what I see … are people searching for an answer … because perhaps they are looking for a "cure".”
“… pondering the origins of these behaviors can be intellectually stimulating and fascinating, but at the end of the day it usually does nothing to change who we are.”
Those statements can be true. They aren’t true for me. In seeking an explanation for why I am AB, I am not looking for a cure to stop being AB. I am looking for how live with being AB in the most psychologically healthy way. In my experience being AB has both intrinsically positive and negative facets. What I have discovered about why I am an AB,
has changed me, minimizing the negative and enhancing the positive aspects of being AB.
I agree with your sentiment that when we discuss explanations we need to show care for others who come from a different space. As adults, everyone (not just ABDLs) constructs their own identities, based on what we choose to believe about ourselves. Those beliefs can change over time, and our identity changes with it. We chose the explanation (or non-explanation) for being ABDL based on what makes us feel safe.
Our strongest need is to defeat shame. We have a rare, stigmatized identity, that has made us feel isolated from others, and uncertain about ourselves, for a large part of our lives. So shame is a big issue. Shame tells us we are to blame, we did something wrong, and it is our job to fix it. We are afraid of pressure to give up being ABDL, because most of us know we can’t, it is hardwired, and we don’t want to feel shame about something we have no power to stop.
We want an explanation (or non-explanation) that vanquishes shame. We need an explanation for being ABDL that tells us - ‘its not our fault’ – we didn’t choose to be different. And we commonly prefer an explanation that doesn’t identify being ABDL as a mental disorder, again because that implies we are defective, or we can ‘be treated’ and give up being ABDL. These needs are very understandable. They are true for me.
We can see why discussions about the origins of being ABDL can be contentious. We have the same need to feel safe, but we may have chosen different explanations (or non-explanation) that meet that need. Someone else’s explanation can feel like they are taking away what we need to feel safe. It becomes a win:lose situation.
To avoid this we need to see any explanation for being ABDL by an ABDL as an invitation, not an intellectual contest or a demand. In terms of our personal identity no one has the right to tell us what we should believe about ourselves. So any explanation for being ABDL is about giving people the choice about what they believe about themselves.
For it to be a win:win situation we need to accept that we can each validly choose the explanation (or non-explanation) that most lets us feel safe, based on both our logic and our emotions. Live and let live. Regards.
