Conversation with IC Bf went Horrible

luminescent81

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  1. Incontinent
  2. Carer
I tried to talk to my long distance boyfriend about his incontinence and the pack of diapers I had found a while back. It went badly, but I never expected it to go this badly. First he was angry at me for “going through his things” which wasn’t the case, he had told me to look through his dresser for cash, I wasn’t just snooping. Then he denied they were his. Then he started crying and accused me of trying to humiliate him, said it was humiliating enough having IC bc of the GI stuff, having had that accident in front of me, and said I should have just pretended I never saw the diapers. I tried to apologize and hug him but he wasn’t having it. He left for a drive and I’m just alone here in his room :/ I don’t know how to fix this. I wasn’t trying to hurt him at all 😔😣😢😭
 
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I'm sorry your talk didn't go well. Maybe after he has time to process the whole thing he will be more open to talking.
 
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Yeah, I hope so. I’m hoping some guys who have experienced navigating IC within relationships can chime in. I really desperately need a dudes perspective here.
 
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Well I was a bed wetter not bowl incontinent but it's kinda the same mind set of being emasculated and it's worse from the SO. Trying to be the big tough man and deal with that is hard as it is, and admitting it is more so.
 
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As a male I can say that guys are idiots and if we are unsure of ourselves, we tend to let the child in us take over and a verbal attack is far too common. If he mans up and comes back, he will likely be a bit more open. Not sure who will show-up at your door, the child or adult, that will be for you to judge. But, adjust your discussion to who walks in.
 
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Give him some time. He is embarrassed! As long as you are supportive and don't push him to open up right away he will come around. It has been many many years ago since I told my girl friend now wife of 28 years next month. But I can assure he is going to feel relief this happened after he process it. If you don't make a big deal about it and let him know you don't feel any different about him then it will work out.
 
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I don't have all the data here, but does he know that you are IC and wear?
If not, telling would perhaps make it easier for him to open up to you.
If he knows, then I think he needs a little time to cool down and think things through.
Hopefully he will realize that it's not such a big deal after all, since you also are wearing.
 
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luminescent81 said:
I tried to talk to my long distance boyfriend about his incontinence and the pack of diapers I had found a while back. It went badly, but I never expected it to go this badly. First he was angry at me for “going through his things” which wasn’t the case, he had told me to look through his dresser for cash, I wasn’t just snooping. Then he denied they were his. Then he started crying and accused me of trying to humiliate him, said it was humiliating enough having IC bc of the GI stuff, having had that accident in front of me, and said I should have just pretended I never saw the diapers. I tried to apologize and hug him but he wasn’t having it. He left for a drive and I’m just alone here in his room :/ I don’t know how to fix this. I wasn’t trying to hurt him at all 😔😣😢😭
give it a little bit of time
he will likely come around
how old is your BF?
 
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He will probably appreciate your acceptance and understanding in the long run.
 
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OnePiece said:
I don't have all the data here, but does he know that you are IC and wear?
If not, telling would perhaps make it easier for him to open up to you.
If he knows, then I think he needs a little time to cool down and think things through.
Hopefully he will realize that it's not such a big deal after all, since you also are wearing.
I don't though. I have the mild urinary incontinence, but other than exercising, it's never been bad enough to require anything.
 
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SparkyDog said:
give it a little bit of time
he will likely come around
how old is your BF?
He's 33, and I'm 31.
 
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luminescent81 said:
He's 33, and I'm 31.
ok
I'd give a bit of space then see if he is up for discussing it calmly.
If he's unable it will be tricky moving forward in the relationship if you can't have a mature discussion
 
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He's going to have to get over his feelings of embarrassment if he's going to have a relationship with anyone. Now is a good time for that to happen.
 
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Hi @luminescent81

Sorry to hear about your BF’s incontinence - and that he’s taking it hard. Having to wear diapers again can be embarrassing.

It’s up to you, but if I was in your shoes, I’d recommend texting him and let him know that you don’t see him any differently because of this. I would also be honest with him about your own control issues as well, if he doesn’t know it already.

If you’re struggling to keep dry yourself, another thing to consider may be to wear some diapers yourself at night when you see him, as this may help him feel better about having to wear them.

Breathe Deep, Seek Peace
Dinotopian2002
 
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luminescent81 said:
I tried to talk to my long distance boyfriend about his incontinence and the pack of diapers I had found a while back. It went badly, but I never expected it to go this badly. First he was angry at me for “going through his things” which wasn’t the case, he had told me to look through his dresser for cash, I wasn’t just snooping. Then he denied they were his. Then he started crying and accused me of trying to humiliate him, said it was humiliating enough having IC bc of the GI stuff, having had that accident in front of me, and said I should have just pretended I never saw the diapers. I tried to apologize and hug him but he wasn’t having it. He left for a drive and I’m just alone here in his room :/ I don’t know how to fix this. I wasn’t trying to hurt him at all 😔😣😢😭
I agree with some others above that your BF seems to be taking it really hard, and is frankly just embarrassed right now. On the other hand, if he cannot have a mature discussion about it once he has settled down and had some time to reflect, that is not acceptable. I would recommend to continue to be unwavering in your acceptance and understanding, and hope that he feels more comfortable moving forward.
 
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Well it took me awhile to accept my IC. I still have issues having to wear diapers. It just takes time. Or an embarrassing accident.....🥴
He'll come around. Be as supportive as you can.
That's all you can do.

Good luck.
 
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Our old demons 😈 insecurity can be very destructive, in couple we need to accept each others with stuff that we can and can't handle. Think you need to speak to him and say you didn't want to hurt him and support him
 
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