Conflicted about being trans.

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AnnieAutomatic

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Well I will start off by saying hello! A bit about myself and why im posting. I am very conflicted with my inner self recently. I decided over a year ago that I was going to give up trying to transition and stay a man. I cut off my hair -It was quite traumatic yes- But i found myself liking the more manly side of life for a while. I made this decision after i was cleared by an endocrinologist and my therapist for HRT. I also came out to my parents and friends as trans.

Now, after i have given up that side of myself i cannot help but feel depressed. I am at ends with this battle raging within my head about who i want to be. I try finding happiness in studying for school, but i find it increasingly harder and harder to socialize.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing with this, maybe some other people have dealt with the same thing? I just needed to get some of that off my chest.
 

Aggies

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Do you feel like you are literally a woman trapped in a man's body, or can you entertain the notion that you may be a very effeminate male? You don't have to decide to be one or the other; you *can* have the best of both worlds. I'm a man who has several female tendencies and seem to get along better mostly with women. I don't feel that I'm 100% All-Man, but I don't feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body. Just be you! But yes, my question still stands. How do you feel?
 

Adventurer

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Welcome to our little corner of the forums, Annie! First of all, thanks for sharing your story - that must've been tough to share. I'm not trans, myself, but being an LG, I understand what it's like to flip between feeling masculine and feminine. It's not easy when you don't feel like you fit one mold or the other.

What's been helpful to me is learning to embrace both sides of my identity even while presenting only one side of my identity to the public. To give more detail, I'm a man, both biologically and in terms of my adult gender. But my little side is female - there's a part of my identity that is a little girl. (So maybe not quite your situation, but there are similarities). Now, given these two choices, I obviously present to the public as an adult man. But I find ways to express my little girl side, too.

I have my stash of cute clothes, which I dress up in when I get the chance. I sometimes like to read "girly" books or watch children's TV shows. But most importantly, I found a community where I can participate from an LG perspective (that being ADISC). Around here, I can let me little side out without fear of reprisal. And I've made some wonderful friends, which has helped me really accept this part of myself.

I'm not sure if this is helpful to you, but perhaps you may find it helpful to live out your male identity, but also find a place to express your female identity. You can feel free to do that around here, obviously, or perhaps you'd prefer a more trans-specific forum. There are real-life support groups, too, where you may even be able to dress up and share this side of yourself. And of course, nothing quite beats slipping into a cute dress when you get home after a long day at work (assuming, of course, you have the privacy to do so!)

I know that it can be tough to live with two identities that both feel right. But in my case, the answer wasn't to give up one side of myself, but to find safe places to express both. Maybe that helps you, too - I hope so. There's a place for both parts of you, and if you'd like, you're welcome to try expressing them both here. :)
 

AnnieAutomatic

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Do you feel like you are literally a woman trapped in a man's body, or can you entertain the notion that you may be a very effeminate male? You don't have to decide to be one or the other; you *can* have the best of both worlds. I'm a man who has several female tendencies and seem to get along better mostly with women. I don't feel that I'm 100% All-Man, but I don't feel like I'm trapped in the wrong body. Just be you! But yes, my question still stands. How do you feel?
I really used too when i was in therapy, i felt like myself. But ever since i decided to ditch that part of me, i feel like my family likes me more. I do feel as though i do have the wrong body, sometimes. its a very fine line i feel as though im walking between both genders. I feel run down, and depressed! I dont usually gush on a forum, haha.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you! :3
And yea this side of me doesn't come out much, sucks but its just another hurdle. I don't really cater to the feminine side of myself anymore, I'm frustrated with myself for turning it off i suppose. Since i moved out of my parents house, I decided to try and just conform to my gender role. This was over a year ago, and i still kinda miss who i was. I had friends that were super supportive to the cause, and since I moved out we have grown apart. I have never been to a support group! was always curious and my therapist always encouraged it.

I do appreciate your advice, its nice to hear a similar story.
 
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Marka

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I really used too when i was in therapy, i felt like myself. But ever since i decided to ditch that part of me, i feel like my family likes me more. I do feel as though i do have the wrong body, sometimes. its a very fine line i feel as though im walking between both genders. I feel run down, and depressed! I dont usually gush on a forum, haha.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you! :3
And yea this side of me doesn't come out much, sucks but its just another hurdle. I don't really cater to the feminine side of myself anymore, I'm frustrated with myself for turning it off i suppose. Since i moved out of my parents house, I decided to try and just conform to my gender role. This was over a year ago, and i still kinda miss who i was. I had friends that were super supportive to the cause, and since I moved out we have grown apart. I have never been to a support group! was always curious and my therapist always encouraged it.

I do appreciate your advice, its nice to hear a similar story.

Without me intending to be judgmental AnnieAutomatic...

What changed your mind? What made you believe that you could, should, or would have to (attempt) to drop this part of you... 'cold-turkey'...

Perhaps it may help you to know, but there is no wrong way to be you...perhaps you don't desire to go all the way with transitioning... perhaps you felt 'pushed' beyond your comfort...

Perhaps you had so much momentum from bucking the 'norm' in the first place...that you felt as though it got out of hand...that you didn't feel like it was still you making the important decisions...

Let's see if we can find balance...no, we don't wish to disappoint others...however, anyone who truly cares for you, and respects you...will be happiest for you...when you are happiest with you...

With much respect,
-Marka
 

graceful

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What you're experiencing is probably guilt because you dont want to upset your family so you are doing unconsciously what you feel is right. I'm a MtF and i feel the same way you do sometimes, its called euphoria, basically, sometimes your urges are huge and sometimes they are almost non-existent, i heard from a close friend you are suppose to pretty much start hormones(if thats what you want) when you are feeling the most like a girl and then it will sort of balance out and stay that way all the time, at least, thats what my friend described, which happened to her.

anyways, good luck and hope you find your true self. c:
 

daLira

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I'm sorry that your decision is giving you that much trouble.
No matter how much you've felt that you're in the wrong body, if this has been your final conclusion and you think it's the best, than it is. nothing more to say about this subject, I think.
Anyway, since you mentioned that you're kind of walking between both genders, I guess that's how you feel rather? Instead of purely like a girl/woman, always. And furthermore that you also liked a manly live to some point... I mean this point already sounds great. Is there no way that you could feel like this again? Think about it, what have you been doing at this time, how did you live, how did you spent your time and what have been your major thoughts.
Perhaps you're able to "reproduce" this feeling. And in the end live happily somehow; be who you are, perhaps. Even if it's just one side.

However, about the feeling girly from time to time and at the moment very very much, which give's you that much to think about if you've maybe took the wrong decision after all...
As often mentioned, there's nothing wrong about being both to some parts. Embracing your girlish side when you're in the mood, or while regressing especially. Or on the other hand mixed up and living both styles together as a kind of simply being androgynous.
Your statement very much sounds like the last for me, perhaps I'm wrong or reading too much into it on the other hand... ^_-
Anyway, but perhaps you don't switch between your manly and girly side directly and this would be the best explanation.

I mean everyone is more or less from his/her behaviour different, so from a gender feeling orientated part rather more girlish or rather manly, but not purely only one thing. Sure there are some... but somehow as of a 100% manly men, I'm only thinking of the meme... So I mean it's silly.
We're different after all and in our modern age it's no biggie if you have some "kinks", which tend to be rather girlish for a man or vice versa for a girl.

So it's nothing wrong if you feel like doing things that aren't considered "manly". 50 years ago a boy that could cook perfect has been kinda silly, what about now? Okay... some think it's a woman thingy... phew whatever, it's great in my humble opinion. A male nail designer is also fine, today.
So I say, if you want to crossdress a little, go for it. Fashion has adopted anyway kind of already to this. Although I still haven't seen that much with a skirt for male's so far =/... I like them though!
And if you want to grow your hair again, just do it. Furthermore if you want a "womanized" haircut, than go for one. A lot of people feel this way, otherwise it wouldn't have been kinda accepted already and in case of the haircut there wouldn't be a male "bob" ;)


Best wishes and chin up!
 

darkseed2012

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I know I can't really comment from the heart on this, but I do what what I am inside. At some point you really just need to let it show and follow what your heart says to do, rather than what society wants. I was born a boy, and I have no issues with it, but my emotional maturity doesn't match my age, but I do nothing to hide it. I have in the past, but my adult act doesn't fool anyone. Some people won't like how you are when they figure out something is different, it's human nature and I'm guilty of it too. I judge people by their covers by instinct and it's something we all do.

Yes life is stressful being different, but we have to make the best out it and get the most out of life. I can only speak from my experience with people. My disability is noticeable after a few minutes of talking to me in person, but I find people who find it cute, others are annoyed, you just need to find people who are open to you and keep them close. I have only met a few trans people in my life and they seem very well off after they accept their uniqueness and allow it to manifest. This advice comes from a San Francisco point of view, take care who you open up to an who knows about this. I hope you find a balance between your body and mind. Best wishes on your journey.
 
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littlelodgewrecker

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Well I will start off by saying hello! A bit about myself and why im posting. I am very conflicted with my inner self recently. I decided over a year ago that I was going to give up trying to transition and stay a man. I cut off my hair -It was quite traumatic yes- But i found myself liking the more manly side of life for a while. I made this decision after i was cleared by an endocrinologist and my therapist for HRT. I also came out to my parents and friends as trans.

Now, after i have given up that side of myself i cannot help but feel depressed. I am at ends with this battle raging within my head about who i want to be. I try finding happiness in studying for school, but i find it increasingly harder and harder to socialize.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing with this, maybe some other people have dealt with the same thing? I just needed to get some of that off my chest.
hello Annie....
i understand that you may be looking for someone with transgender experience to talk to....
i have a bit myself; i am post-op and have been living in the life for over half my life... a little over 30 years.

from what i read of yours, and my experience with others; i would say that you are simply going through the process that we all do. trying to discover just where in the spectrum of human social/sexual behavior it is that you fit in..... and you are discovering that it's not a simple question of am i a boy or a girl. but more a question of how much of each of them am i..... or maybe even, can i possibly be both in the same body? and how..... and whatever i am, how will i ever find acceptance and or some normalcy in my relationships with other people who are not like me. people who are born the thing that they will always be (boy or girl).

Annie, their are some hard choices facing you...
i know because i have faced them too. just as my sisters before me did. just as some of my sisters right here on ADISC face these questions today and in the near future...
we all find our own answers in time. nothing comes easy for any of us. and nothing is exactly the same for any of us. well.... except for the one constant that is. we all need each others help and support; both here and in real-life. real-life support groups are your best friends, Annie. find one and start going..... it doesn't matter if your in transition or not. it sounds like you need the support.
and too, look for folks here who are like minded with you. there are many....

good luck;
lodge wrecker....
 

SallS

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Gender need not be an either or proposition. I identify as gender fluid how I feel day to day hour to hour varies. I am dressed now in short leather skirt and thigh high boots, wig... But I spent the day working on the teardrop trailer checking the status of my wife's car (we have been married 41 years). Next weekend is our Tri-Ess group meeting.
 

babyemo

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It sounds like you are dealing with the same thing I was. The dysphoria only comes around every once in a while. I had triggers myself. The idea that it is effecting you so much means that "de-transition" has not been fixing everything. What do you think would help?

I am quite butch now, and am a year into transition, but even being butch is still presenting as female, and still far better than presenting as male in any light. Dare I say I am more comfortably manly now than when I was a man?
 

Capybyra

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Seconded on Gender Fluidity. There's a part of many that wishes to have both genders at will so to speak. As in one moment we may feel wanting to have their baby as a wife and in another second wishing to be their husband, all in flagrant dismissal of which gender we were frozen in the previous moment. The roles should be ours to use and choose as we feel needful!

It's all good if we can make our world respect us for it.

The self respect for our needs is what eludes grasp at times. That being in what I see the bedrock issue. If we had a SF&F world where GRS were a handwave? I suspect a huge shedload of us would go for it :}

It's proper to be mindful of the quite real changes involved. Never let mindful be a barrier to being whoever you need to be.
 

Robin

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Well I will start off by saying hello! A bit about myself and why im posting. I am very conflicted with my inner self recently. I decided over a year ago that I was going to give up trying to transition and stay a man. I cut off my hair -It was quite traumatic yes- But i found myself liking the more manly side of life for a while. I made this decision after i was cleared by an endocrinologist and my therapist for HRT. I also came out to my parents and friends as trans.

Now, after i have given up that side of myself i cannot help but feel depressed. I am at ends with this battle raging within my head about who i want to be. I try finding happiness in studying for school, but i find it increasingly harder and harder to socialize.

I don't know what I'm accomplishing with this, maybe some other people have dealt with the same thing? I just needed to get some of that off my chest.

I can relate to this on so many level's, coming out to my family, friends, getting approved for HRT and just stopping everything cold turkey. I do at least feel good that who I am is out there and people know what's going on in my head and heart (even if some don't believe me) and have friends who still refer to me as She, her and my desired name Robin (which fingers crossed will be changed in the next few months once I've saved the money for court fee's) even thought i'm not presenting, they still see and know it makes me happy, which is nice.

My whole issue with stopping, or not going through transition is just me accepting my status in life at the moment and not having the means to do what I want, sure I can max out my Credit cards and make a pretty good go at transition but that will only give me more problems down the road and will only be a quick short fix to my problems. I think we're in the same boat that we've not yet reached the point where this isn't just a want but an overwhelming need, the point where we can't just "find happiness" in the little things anymore and just jump into ourselves with both feet. The good thing is there's no age restrictions on finding yourself and being yourself it just takes us each a little longer to do so.
 
D

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Transition or not to transition

I personally went thru the agony of what to do about my gender identity. I started to have feeling when I was 5 years old. I tried to satisfy those feelings thru cross-dressing for 40 years. I would go thru periods of little cross-dressing but I never stopped completely and I never purged. As I got older it became harder and harder to ignore the feelings. I finally decided to transition in 1992.

I attended gender meetings for years. I then became a facilitator for 6 years. I still occasionally attend gender meetings. I have heard the anguish on how to express gender identity hundreds of times. It comes down to each persons individual journey. There is no set answer.

I have seen people start transition, stop and restart. Whether to transition or not is a difficult decision. Back then the only choice offered was to transition. Today there are many other paths. The hard thing is to find a path that makes you happy.
 
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