Compartmental merge.

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kashi

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Okay so I need help to figure this out or I guess I just wanna talk it out with someone. Because I'm feeling a bit unsure of myself and how to feel.

I've always compartmentalized well. Since I was young I had a knack for it. It's what got me through my rough childhood and ultimately has served me well. One of the parts of myself I've kept a deep line between was my inner child/little side. I say /little side because before I knew about any of this I was simply aware of my inner child. The part of me that was my lost childhood. I knew it embodied all of my vulnerability and gentlest emotions. It was also my most extroverted side and my most relaxed and unafraid self, but I was always afraid for it so I rarely let it show.

As I grew and learned about all of this. It gradually became the part of myself I associated with my little self. The thing is for the longest time I kept it at a distance. I occasionally wore diapers, used a paci and other things like that, but I always made sure to keep it separate. The issue with that was the fact that so many other aspects of myself were wrapped up in my little side. Not just my interest in it as a kink or fetish, but parts of my personality. Childishness, a willingness to go out and be social. My ability to disregard what others thought of me and my most genuine emotional warmth and empathy. On another note certain desires about myself were within that compartment as well. My self expression and creative sides. These manifested as writing and an interest in creation, but as time has gone on I've discovered an interest in not just creation from the mind, but of the body. i.e. painting my nails wearing a skirt and generally mixing gendered fashions because I just wanna be my expression.

Taking all of this forward I'm gradually growing comfortable going out in mixed clothes and just kind of becoming more expressive, but I do find my little side bleeding through more too. I'm becoming more emotional, feeling more fragile and just sort of generally more comfortable seeking attention and affection, but it's also kind of frightening. Like on a personal level. I find myself feeling more in touch with my inner child. More open and it's hard to decide if it's a good thing. I've worked really hard to keep a division and I'm sort of nervous to accept that it's being broken down. I'm not gonna go out in public in a diaper holding a pacifier, but I may do things like wear Finns hat from Adventure time ( A bday gift from a good friend) Or possibly bring a plushie with me. I won't be super overt about it and I fully intend to treat it all respectfully. I'm just still kind of mixed up about this. Fully embracing the aspects of myself wrapped up in all of this is nerve wracking.

I hope this all makes sense I'm just looking for input. If you have questions ask them or PM me and I'll elaborate on anything.
 

TabulaRasa2017

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Hello kashi,

Everything you talk about, to my mind, speaks to who you are. Admittedly, we show the world different parts of ourselves depending on our circumstances and surroundings. Until recently, I was very discreet about this part of myself, although I have some child-like parts of my personality and a cheery disposition that were always on display. I think for many of us on this forum we have genuine kink/fetish aspects of what we do, but we also just have these aspects as parts of our core personalities. The way I see it, sex should be a joyous thing, and for many of us feeling childlike or nurtured is the gateway to those pleasant feelings because it is the most genuine expression of who we already are.

I think everyone has their own comfort level with how we express who we are and what parts we let the world see versus what we keep more private for those we can truly trust and be vulnerable with. To my mind, as long as you are comfortable and being who you are as a responsible adult out in the world, you are being true. And by being true, you will attract others to you that will appreciate you for who you are, and you will naturally repel those who wouldn't be good friends and lovers anyway. If it makes you feel better and braver, the biggest steps I've taken publicly with this side of me have been wearing silly T-shirts (one of which says "I can't adult today"), kidding with people that I'm really just a little boy who's surprised he's a grownup, and leaving my teddy bear out on my bed at home for anyone to see. LOL. But the other parts of me, the parts of wonder, joy, and general silliness have always been there so nothing's changed in that regard.

I guess we all have to be aware and safe because the real world is not always kind, but don't be miserable either. Be happy and be you. You're the only one who can.

Be well.
 

dogboy

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I wonder if we all compartmentalize to some degree. I know when I was a kid, I was always three people: the tough kid at school so he wouldn't get bullied, the careful about what he said and what he showed around my good friends and my parents, and the much more confused kid when I was alone in my bedroom. All three had to survive in their respective environments. To make things more complicated was that the boy in his bedroom desperately wanted to wear and use diapers, and he was also attracted to his best friend, another male.

Being human is to be complicated. We are hardwired to survive and that means using care and good judgement, but there's also that other part of us that has needs. Some of those are sexual. Some of them are emotional. As a musician growing up on the Jersey Shore, I lived in a paradox. I had to be tough, male, do sports,etc., but I also loved playing organ and piano. I enjoyed painting, collecting and restoring old furniture and building models.

Somehow we have to make all our parts work together. What happens is that the parts get to come out and play, hopefully at the right time and place. Regression and wanting to wear diapers can change the formula of living sensibly. I know I've experienced it and as I get older, I experience it more, not less. As I've said many times on this site, there's a time and place for everything. Some of our members are perfectly comfortable being more obviously "little" in public and some aren't. You have to find what works for you, your comfort level and your self protection instincts working together.
 

Poofybutt

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I think TabulaRasa2017 has given you much food for thought and some brilliant advice, he certainly presents a tough act to follow. I'm hopeful that some of what I have to say can be of some assistance to you as well :)

Here goes,

I feel that I typically compartmentalize this side of myself pretty well too, I know when it is safe to pad up and be a baby and I know when I need to set aside my AB things and be a big boy as well.

As TabulaRasa says, I use to be quite discrete with this side of myself as well, I didn't tell many people, even in private I would keep my AB items under lock and key, not literally mind you, but my things were kept out of sight and I would try to be as serious or mature as possible when out and about and meeting new people. Now it is safe to say, that as I got comfortable with my AB side, small aspects of my little/baby persona were brought to bear on my daily routine. Now, whether I'm around my closest friends or meeting new people, I am for all intents and purposes a giant kid; I'm really fun loving, game for everything, I always try to make people happy and I have a playful and infectious sense of humour, as some of my classmates have told me , I have a healing power about me, I make everything calmer and happier when I'm around... just like an actual child or baby. Of course, my personality has always been like this, but for some reason prior to my acceptance and full embrace of my baby side I always felt like I needed to impress people with my maturity and knowledge, this contrasts with how I truly am, a fun loving, kid at heart who still watches cartoons, reads comic books and loves hanging out with his friends.

In my daily life, small elements of baby-side come out a bit as well. Sometimes I won't hesitate to make myself a bottle if I'm feeling tired or overstressed, sometimes I'll leave my stuffies and my diapers out in the open, around my apartment, both so that my AB side can take on a semblance of normalcy and to get over being a nervous Nancy when it comes to having my AB stuff out in the open in my own place (though, I do put my diapers away if company is coming by, not my stuffies though :)). I am also more upfront about revealing this side of myself to people, I don't take to the streets with a megaphone spouting "I like diapers and behaving like a baby" mind you, but if I'm comfortable with someone and have known them for a significant amount of time, I'll drop subtle hints, if alternative lifestyles come up in the conversation and they are receptive, I'll tell them flat-out.

In fact, I think it is quite normal for small aspects of ABDL to manifest themselves in our adult goings on, especially when you consider as TabulaRasa and myself do, that being an AB is a core aspect of our personalities. Of course, even if we embrace this side of ourselves and small aspects of it work their way into our adult lives, you still need to practice a bit of moderation, otherwise what is the point in compartmentalizing. Also, our independent comfortability with ABDL will inevitably be different from person to person, so the ways in which we express ABDL and the ways in which it spills over into our daily lives will vary from person to person as well.

It seems to me that the issue you are having is determining how much is too much and if having aspects of your AB or little side spilling over into your everyday world is a good thing or a bad thing. In all honesty, given the way you have framed things, this doesn't seem like much of an issue to me. Everything you have outlined is a perfectly balanced way of going about this, it's nothing overt, nothing that is going to out you, nothing that poses any threat to your adult life and most importantly everything you outlined serves as a great way of getting more comfortable and familiar with this side of yourself moving forward. When you mention becoming more fragile, more emotional, more affection seeking, even that seems normal to me, there have been times when I too have been desperate for affection and over-emotional as both an AB and as an adult, I think this is a core aspect of many an ABDL and people in general, we are nuanced and emotional beings, we just have to make sure to keep it in check at times.

Hopefully, this helps. There is no need to feel alarmed by any of what you are going through, it's a natural part of the process of fully accepting your little side. As long as having elements of your little side leaking over into your adult life doesn't impact your ability to be a functioning adult in any way, then it is completely fine. From the sounds of things, you have a good handle on this. Good luck to you in your continued journey of self-discovery and your quest for comfort.
 

kashi

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I just have to say thank you to all of you! It's just nice to know someone understands what it feels like and more so has some insight to share with regards to it. I'm definitely going to keep merging aspects of my public face and my little side because my little side is me. It's not separate, but equally so I can do that and still keep aspects of it for home or when I'm in super trusted company E.g. diapers and pacifiers. I'm really glad to have heard from all of you. I do wanna be comfortable with just being me. I don't think I could back peddle this even if I wanted to, but I can moderate it. Honestly for me clothes are nothing but wonderful costume. Sometimes I gotta wear an adult outfit or one that is expressly male, but that does not mean I have to be any less warm any less emotionally open. Any less me.
 
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