Coming to terms with incontinence

mattk

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13
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29
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  1. Incontinent
I've had incontinence issues throughout my life that caused me a great deal of anxiety and shame. I was dealing with a lot of denial despite also being swamped with panic, knowing these things were happening; I'd be having an anxiety attack on the train and trying to covertly 'check' myself in the crotch area because I was so afraid I had peed. If I got home and my underwear was soaked I'd tell myself it was just sweat. I used to go on long car trips for certain business with friends/associates and I was always in a state of panic, I felt so self-conscious asking them to pull over all the time and I was terrified I'd have wet pants.. it kind of leaked out slowly over time and I didn't notice until I was pretty wet, and I didn't feel it either, was easy to rationalize as sweat because I couldn't 'feel' it coming out (should have been another sign that registered with me). For a while I was renting a room from an older woman who kept telling me I 'had an odor' and she was kind of controlling and made me wash my clothes like, three times a day. One day she approached me and gently offered me an incontinence pad, I wrote her off because of course that wasn't an issue, she was just on some bullshit like she often was. She had plastic on the bed when I moved in and one day told me 'it's not coming off,' abruptly. Still didn't register, denial, denial, denial. Went to a psych ward during an episode and a staff member gently confronted me and said they'd found fecal matter in my underwear and I shocked and panicked, absolutely thought they were on some bullshit, etc etc etc

A few years back, things got worse and I finally decided to get a prescription for diapers for the first time. I did go to a urologist but they didn't find anything.. I didn't have a great experience with them to be honest, but they wrote me that first script for diapers after I requested it. Wearing in public and telling roommates and friends about it was extremely embarrassing to me, but I noticed how much less anxiety I had when I was out, how much better I slept at night, etc. The 'awareness' that I'd had this issue for a long time clicked in my head. I didn't need to panic about getting to a bathroom or wetting my pants, I could just.. go in my pants lol. And if people know, that's even less anxiety..

I've been wearing off and on for periods of months at a time since 2020, I hate to say mostly because of shame and such. It gets better and worse, but a few days ago I started wearing again and told my roommate. Cost is covered by Medicaid, fortunately, as I have psychiatric disabilities as well. I get a feeling of comfort from them and enjoy wearing but the shame is immense socially.

What are your stories with this? Any tips for dealing with shame?
 
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Happy2BeInNappies2

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Hi mattk I'm sorry to hear of your tough life journey where you kept on being in denial of your health status for such a long time. (Years?).
Please hear my heart on your situation, you did not chose the body that you are in. No more than how you could not decide on it's gender, DNA (or which two parents were to each give you haft of their DNA) or for that matter, the place (and time) of your birth, not even the culture that you grew up under.

You have NOTHING to be ASHAMED about !!
You are you, being the best you, you can do. (WOW my first four 'U" sentence ever).
Please try to love yourself as you are and only change the things that you can improve on.

OK, you can say that I'm just an old man and what do I know of what you have gone through. But for what it is worth, I have came to fully accept that diapers (for me 'nappies') are my everyday (and only) protective underwear, that keeps me safe and able to carry on with a near 'normal' life.
But it did take me a few years to get there, without shame !
(Public embarrassment is still something I am working on).

Please take it easy mattk and be kind to yourself, as those who can't accept your true self, are not worth knowing as friends, anyway.

Oh, by the way, welcome to ADISC.
 
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Kittyinpink

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Happy2BeInNappies2 said:
Hi mattk I'm sorry to hear of your tough life journey where you kept on being in denial of your health status for such a long time. (Years?).
Please hear my heart on your situation, you did not chose the body that you are in. No more than how you could not decide on it's gender, DNA (or which two parents were to each give you haft of their DNA) or for that matter, the place (and time) of your birth, not even the culture that you grew up under.

You have NOTHING to be ASHAMED about !!
You are you, being the best you, you can do. (WOW my first four 'U" sentence ever).
Please try to love yourself as you are and only change the things that you can improve on.

OK, you can say that I'm just an old man and what do I know of what you have gone through. But for what it is worth, I have came to fully accept that diapers (for me 'nappies') are my everyday (and only) protective underwear, that keeps me safe and able to carry on with a near 'normal' life.
But it did take me a few years to get there, without shame !
(Public embarrassment is still something I am working on).

Please take it easy mattk and be kind to yourself, as those who can't accept your true self, are not worth knowing as friends, anyway.

Oh, by the way, welcome to ADISC.
Beautifully put . 😊
 
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LittleEnigma

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It's terrible that you feel anxiety and shame. I get it though I've been Incontinent from birth and have other disabilities, but i do think you need some form of padding, being pull-ups or diapers. I struggled during school years with being permanently urinary incontinent, but now i don't really get anxious from wearing diapers. I enjoy the ABDL lifestyle. Hope you can overcome anxiety issues, and not feel shame from wearing protection in whatever form. It's surely better than wetting your pants bed etc. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗:giggle:(y)
 
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Kittyinpink

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mattk said:
I've had incontinence issues throughout my life that caused me a great deal of anxiety and shame. I was dealing with a lot of denial despite also being swamped with panic, knowing these things were happening; I'd be having an anxiety attack on the train and trying to covertly 'check' myself in the crotch area because I was so afraid I had peed. If I got home and my underwear was soaked I'd tell myself it was just sweat. I used to go on long car trips for certain business with friends/associates and I was always in a state of panic, I felt so self-conscious asking them to pull over all the time and I was terrified I'd have wet pants.. it kind of leaked out slowly over time and I didn't notice until I was pretty wet, and I didn't feel it either, was easy to rationalize as sweat because I couldn't 'feel' it coming out (should have been another sign that registered with me). For a while I was renting a room from an older woman who kept telling me I 'had an odor' and she was kind of controlling and made me wash my clothes like, three times a day. One day she approached me and gently offered me an incontinence pad, I wrote her off because of course that wasn't an issue, she was just on some bullshit like she often was. She had plastic on the bed when I moved in and one day told me 'it's not coming off,' abruptly. Still didn't register, denial, denial, denial. Went to a psych ward during an episode and a staff member gently confronted me and said they'd found fecal matter in my underwear and I shocked and panicked, absolutely thought they were on some bullshit, etc etc etc

A few years back, things got worse and I finally decided to get a prescription for diapers for the first time. I did go to a urologist but they didn't find anything.. I didn't have a great experience with them to be honest, but they wrote me that first script for diapers after I requested it. Wearing in public and telling roommates and friends about it was extremely embarrassing to me, but I noticed how much less anxiety I had when I was out, how much better I slept at night, etc. The 'awareness' that I'd had this issue for a long time clicked in my head. I didn't need to panic about getting to a bathroom or wetting my pants, I could just.. go in my pants lol. And if people know, that's even less anxiety..

I've been wearing off and on for periods of months at a time since 2020, I hate to say mostly because of shame and such. It gets better and worse, but a few days ago I started wearing again and told my roommate. Cost is covered by Medicaid, fortunately, as I have psychiatric disabilities as well. I get a feeling of comfort from them and enjoy wearing but the shame is immense socially.

What are your stories with this? Any tips for dealing with shame?
Hello mattk! 😊
I am glad you are learning to accept yourself , sometimes that is such a difficult thing to do.
This site is about that very thing - self acceptance and we can sell support each other .
Although the reasons we need diapers are varied , we all have the need for them , and we have all felt shame because of that need.
Hopefully soon , as you chat and learn and get to know us you will feel much better about wearing for your needs.
Best wishes to you ! 😊
 
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slimjiminy

Diabetes, type-2
Est. Contributor
Messages
858
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Hi mattk. I am glad to read that you found your way to a solution. Even in your mid 60s, IC is not easy to accept. But you will get there. It just requires time.
 
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mattk

Contributor
Messages
13
Age
29
Role
  1. Incontinent
Thanks all. I'm thinking this time I might start wearing for good, I keep noticing stuff like even the way I stand I'm just trying not to pee myself, I think once I get more comfortable wearing a lot of my general anxiety is going to be reduced. Just clearly nervous about peeing my pants (or pooping, too) all the time without acknowledging it because I'm so used to it. I don't leave home a lot which, I think, tends to mask the level of acclimation I've come to. But I am in and out of the bathroom normally many times per hour. Wearing now, I'm noticing just how much I pee and how frequent the urges are and how it's easier to just let go instead of anxiously trying to hold it all the time
 
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LittleEnigma

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Aww, you need a big 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 It's not good to beat yourself up and suffer continual anxiety. It's clear that you have some level of incontinence, but it's nothing to be ashamed about. Hopefully as you continue to wear some kind of protection the accidents will become fewer, and you will be less anxious, and able to feel better in yourself, Just remember your not alone, and this awesome forum is full of wonderful people ready to offer supportive advice and not judge you. I really hope you can access all the support you need, I also hope you can leave the home a bit more as things improve allowing you to enjoy your life. Sometimes the biggest hurdle we face is our own acceptance of the fact we have a problem. Just remember you are never alone, we all need help in one form or another. Wish you well at this challenging period you are experiencing. Things will improve for you i'm confident of that. Remember for every problem there is a solution. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
 
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mattk

Contributor
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13
Age
29
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  1. Incontinent
Thank you, friend. Yeah my incontinence gets worse and better. It's not good at the current moment, last it was this bad was in 2020 when I finally gave in and got the diapers for the first time, I had ruined a mattress and had several embarrassing public incidents. It seems to have a lot to do with my mental health, I think. Again, right now, I have to face it and I'm really accepting that I need to wear full-time, all the time, because even when it's not quite this bad I am still anxious and wet myself regardless. I use tab-style diapers because I'm wetting a lot and having occasional fecal issues

But posting and talking about it is already making me feel better, especially because I have a few friends outside of here to talk through it with
 
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Kittyinpink

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mattk said:
Thank you, friend. Yeah my incontinence gets worse and better. It's not good at the current moment, last it was this bad was in 2020 when I finally gave in and got the diapers for the first time, I had ruined a mattress and had several embarrassing public incidents. It seems to have a lot to do with my mental health, I think. Again, right now, I have to face it and I'm really accepting that I need to wear full-time, all the time, because even when it's not quite this bad I am still anxious and wet myself regardless. I use tab-style diapers because I'm wetting a lot and having occasional fecal issues

But posting and talking about it is already making me feel better, especially because I have a few friends outside of here to talk through it with
You will find many IC friends here 😊..
Stay involved , join in and enjoy 😉
 
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Rita

Padded Rita
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It's sure is nothing to be ashamed of all, plus your not alone !!!
Yes it can be very nerve racking !!
In time I did get very a custom to wearing and not even worrying about it !!!
 
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Kittyinpink

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Rita said:
It's sure is nothing to be ashamed of all, plus your not alone !!!
Yes it can be very nerve racking !!
In time I did get very a custom to wearing and not even worrying about it !!!
😊
 
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newt

Contributor
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12
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The responses to your post are all fantastic and I agree with them 100%.Could not have said it better than Happy2BinNappies. Hopefully I can add to the conversation since the advice given is so spot on. Incontinence s a long a winding road getting to a place you can feel comfortable with the condition. It wont happen overnight. But it will not beat you.

As for dealing with the shame, I think the most important aspect is to understand you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Shame is only for situations that you know you did something wrong. For example, you should feel shame when you lose your temper and hurt the feelings of a good friend. In that case, you had a choice (to not hurt your friends feelings) and what you chose was wrong. But wearing diapers is not a choice with incontinence. Diapers are not immoral. It is not a personal failing. There is no shame.

And remember, only you can produce the feeling of being ashamed. In almost every situation you will be in, nobody will even know you are in diapers. Unless you are purposefully wearing comically thick diapers, nobody in public will notice. And if nobody even knows you are wearing a diaper, what is there to be ashamed about? In these situations, if you notice these feelings, ask yourself why you feel that way. Who must you be ashamed for?

Don’t let the anxiety win either. Just because there is no shame in wearing diapers, does not mean we aren’t all anxious about leaking, having accidents at the worst possible time, how people will react, etc. Anxiety is fear of a future possibility, it’s a fiction we all make up. And, if you’re like me, our anxious predictions are ALWAYS worse than reality.

For example, you said you told some people about your incontinence. Despite the initial embarrassment of telling them (and probably days of nervousness before), you felt less anxious after. You probably feared some terrible negative reaction, but it didn’t happen. And even if you have an accident in front of someone, especially someone you know, after the initial embarrassment, if they didn’t already know about your problems, the do now. And that is one less person to be anxious about finding out.

Incontinence and diapers are literally no different from having bad eyesight and wearing contacts. Medical problem, medical solution. Still, the journey to acceptance is not easy. Luckily we all have places like this to see we are not alone. We are all in this together.
 
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Kittyinpink

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newt said:
The responses to your post are all fantastic and I agree with them 100%.Could not have said it better than Happy2BinNappies. Hopefully I can add to the conversation since the advice given is so spot on. Incontinence s a long a winding road getting to a place you can feel comfortable with the condition. It wont happen overnight. But it will not beat you.

As for dealing with the shame, I think the most important aspect is to understand you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Shame is only for situations that you know you did something wrong. For example, you should feel shame when you lose your temper and hurt the feelings of a good friend. In that case, you had a choice (to not hurt your friends feelings) and what you chose was wrong. But wearing diapers is not a choice with incontinence. Diapers are not immoral. It is not a personal failing. There is no shame.

And remember, only you can produce the feeling of being ashamed. In almost every situation you will be in, nobody will even know you are in diapers. Unless you are purposefully wearing comically thick diapers, nobody in public will notice. And if nobody even knows you are wearing a diaper, what is there to be ashamed about? In these situations, if you notice these feelings, ask yourself why you feel that way. Who must you be ashamed for?

Don’t let the anxiety win either. Just because there is no shame in wearing diapers, does not mean we aren’t all anxious about leaking, having accidents at the worst possible time, how people will react, etc. Anxiety is fear of a future possibility, it’s a fiction we all make up. And, if you’re like me, our anxious predictions are ALWAYS worse than reality.

For example, you said you told some people about your incontinence. Despite the initial embarrassment of telling them (and probably days of nervousness before), you felt less anxious after. You probably feared some terrible negative reaction, but it didn’t happen. And even if you have an accident in front of someone, especially someone you know, after the initial embarrassment, if they didn’t already know about your problems, the do now. And that is one less person to be anxious about finding out.

Incontinence and diapers are literally no different from having bad eyesight and wearing contacts. Medical problem, medical solution. Still, the journey to acceptance is not easy. Luckily we all have places like this to see we are not alone. We are all in this together.
😊😍
 

Naughtykeef

Contributor
Messages
14
Role
  1. Diaper Lover
  2. Incontinent
I can really identify with the problems that Mattk is having to come to terms with.
Ever since I was young I have had bladder issues stemming from the issue of toilet denial in British schools that led to embarrassing accidents. In my teens and early adult years I didn't wet myself but often got into a panic state because I really needed to pee. I've had those agonising road trips, business meetings and stuck on buses and trains with nowhere to go. Anxiousness and panic always made the need to pee much worse.
Then I got diabetes and overactive bladder and now need to wear when I am out and now at night through bed wetting.
Gradually family and friends have discovered my problem or I have confided in them. They are very supportive because like the vast majority of the population, at some time in their life, they have found themselves in similar situations even if it didn't lead to an accident.
Consequently I take it as a part of a life you just have to manage and satisfy myself that it could be much worse.
 
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Kittyinpink

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Naughtykeef said:
I can really identify with the problems that Mattk is having to come to terms with.
Ever since I was young I have had bladder issues stemming from the issue of toilet denial in British schools that led to embarrassing accidents. In my teens and early adult years I didn't wet myself but often got into a panic state because I really needed to pee. I've had those agonising road trips, business meetings and stuck on buses and trains with nowhere to go. Anxiousness and panic always made the need to pee much worse.
Then I got diabetes and overactive bladder and now need to wear when I am out and now at night through bed wetting.
Gradually family and friends have discovered my problem or I have confided in them. They are very supportive because like the vast majority of the population, at some time in their life, they have found themselves in similar situations even if it didn't lead to an accident.
Consequently I take it as a part of a life you just have to manage and satisfy myself that it could be much worse.
It's quite correct that everyone has issues sometimes with IC .. no one has a perfect track record!
 
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Tundra1975

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879
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For me coming to terms with my incontinence came in 5 simple words. Man up and diaper up.
 
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hbic60

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Hello mattk,

I'm so sorry for you that you are having those issues being still so young and I understand your feelings and struggling and finally your great success with self-acceptance!

being myself in my early 60th and bladder incontinent since about 8 months, this forum has been and is still an incredible source of help dealing with the issues with my condition. Meanwhile I feel comfortable with my diapered life, and many discussions here helped me a lot with self-acceptance and loosing any kind of shame (besides of all the more practical information concerning the different kinds of protection, how to use best, avoiding leaks, bad smell,...) It's so amazing learning not to be alone with your feelings and problems and realize that so many different people from all over the world are here to share their experiences with each you!
 
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Wetshisbed

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Tundra1975 said:
For me coming to terms with my incontinence came in 5 simple words. Man up and diaper up.
My wife just told me to stop moping about, wear a nappy and get on with my life.
 
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AUG168

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Yes being incontinent at any level sucks. That said I'm grateful to have this forum and that there are such good products available. Currently I'm wearing pull-ups 24/7 due to OAB and IBS. It comes and goes, other times it's just a pad during the day and Threaded Armor at night. It is what it is.

I
 
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