Boyfriend is a dl..

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Malisaa

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Hi, everyone. My boyfriend of 15 months just revealed to me that he wears diapers when he's alone at his house. He likes peeing in them, even tried pooping but claims it's not for him. To substitute, he uses oatmeal. This was soon after he told me that he also liked me ordering him around, even humiliating him. Bdsm stuff where I can be his domme.

I can't help but feel extremely betrayed and confused. Even though we've only met once and that too in the beginning, I thought I knew him. We have always been so open about everything, talking on the phone for hours on end. I loved how we could talk about anything. He said he did too. I love him with all my heart. I know he loves me more than anything too. I just don't know how I can come to terms with this. He only told me this 3 days ago.

I want to support him, I really wish I could. I'm all for playing. We did domme/sub stuff over the phone before the diaper thing. But even that as a lifestyle freaks me out. So I don't wanna do anything in case he likes it too much and it's something I can't handle. I've read everywhere that stuff like this doesn't go away. I don't expect it too either. Just fear that I might not be able to do what he wants or be what he needs.

It just hurts to imagine that a man I thought I knew completely was wearing diapers while we'd talk on the phone. Or that he would masturbate thinking of me in that specific role. To be clear, it's all sexual for him. He doesn't want to act like a baby normally but he has worn them in public.

He is my bestfriend. And he means so much to me but I can't get over the fact that he hid it from me for so long. I believed I had met my one. I know it's a little early but I was all ready to marry and settle down with him. Am I a bad person for being scared and not accepting it as readily?
 

Littlemonkey

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I know it may seem a disappointment to you that he never told you about his diapers because you were both so open but if you really think about it, would you have told him about your diapers? Imagine what was going through his mind. It takes a lot for someone to come out like this but it just means his hearts completely with you now. The best thing to do to support him is to not bad talk his diapers and to give him a chance. His diapers probably aren't going anywhere but I'm unsure of that because he is a diaper lover and I'm an AB but if they really bother you in a few months time then I suggest you move on.
 

silverpower

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Oatmeal?! Is he crazy?! :D

But I digress

I may be a little blunt in this, but it's for you two's own good.

How 'open' are you two? Even the most open of relationships can have deep secrets that either person is uncomfortable sharing with each other right away. There are just some things you shouldn't tell the other person, no matter how open the relationship, until you've built up a decent amount of trust between each other. I'm sure that even you have some sort of secret that you've been dying to tell him, but not sure if you should.

You mentioned that you two did some 'stuff' before he told you, and I assume that this was his way of trying to break the ice to you. Did you ever mention to him beforehand that it made you feel uncomfortable about it? You've been together for a year and 15 months, so surely you must've had some sort of conversation that led in this direction during this time.

This behavior should be expected from any guy, diaper lover or not. It's completely normal for a guy to like a girl in that way; it's nature taking its natural course.

What needs to happen from you, is to sit down with him and discuss this with him a little further. It's okay to be scared and question it, but don't get upset with him. Try to understand where he is coming from. Ask him general questions about it. A relationship is give and take. You're not better than him and he isn't better than you, but there are going to be things that your good at and things that he's good at. And if when you get married, you belong to him and he belongs to you. This is the perfect time to learn how to take a rough situation and work it out with each other. Learn each others strengths and weaknesses so that you can build each other up, working together to make a possible future marriage strong. In life, you can't just bail out when the going gets tough, so you have to use these opportunities to fix mistakes and get more mature about things. This is just one rough spot and there are going to be more. The marriage isn't going to be perfect; no marriage is.

I wish you all the best Malissa
 
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I know it may seem a disappointment to you that he never told you about his diapers because you were both so open but if you really think about it, would you have told him about your diapers? Imagine what was going through his mind. It takes a lot for someone to come out like this but it just means his hearts completely with you now. The best thing to do to support him is to not bad talk his diapers and to give him a chance. His diapers probably aren't going anywhere but I'm unsure of that because he is a diaper lover and I'm an AB but if they really bother you in a few months time then I suggest you move on.
This. Also, don't worry about it being overwhelming, usually the guys that you see that take it to the extreme are AB's, because it's also emotional for them and some can't handle it. Being a diaper lover doesn't mean he wears 24/7, though it can happen. He must trust you a whole lot to have come out like this to you. Just rest on it for a few days :D
 

MrPolite

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I understand that you are shocked. In my case coming out before my BF was a long proces.At some point i realized that i respect my SO so much that i can't hide anything from him. I was thinking about my relationship in very long terms, so chance that my SO will find out about that side of my life was growing higher. I decided that it will be beter for my SO when i honestly inform him about my and my diaper stuf. Comming out was for me mater of respect for my SO , and for my self.
After coming out, we talk alot about my diaper related urges, and it come out that my BF don't want to be involved in it, but he will accept me wearing diapers around our home. So i respect his Will, and we are living in perfect harmony. When i wan't to try something new for example sleeping in diaper i ask him if he is okay with that and respect his opinion even if it's negative.

So if both sides will respect each other, and agree about respect and set boundaries you will propobly build beautyfull and longlasting relationship.
Best wishes
MrPolite
 

Malisaa

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I know. He almost had a panic attack before telling me. I don't want to end it. I guess I just needed to be able to talk about it with somebody other than him and someone who understood. When we're talking about it, it's just that both of us want to be comforted and neither of us can really do anything. I just couldn't relate to him as to why telling me was such a big deal and why it took him so long. I'm the first person he has come out to, no less.

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You mentioned that you two did some 'stuff' before he told you, and I assume that this was his way of trying to break the ice to you. Did you ever mention to him beforehand that it made you feel uncomfortable about it? You've been together for a year and 15 months, so surely you must've had some sort of conversation that led in this direction during this time.

This behavior should be expected from any guy, diaper lover or not. It's completely normal for a guy to like a girl in that way; it's nature taking its natural course.

What needs to happen from you, is to sit down with him and discuss this with him a little further. It's okay to be scared and question it, but don't get upset with him. Try to understand where he is coming from. Ask him general questions about it. A relationship is give and take. You're not better than him and he isn't better than you, but there are going to be things that your good at and things that he's good at. And if when you get married, you belong to him and he belongs to you. This is the perfect time to learn how to take a rough situation and work it out with each other. Learn each others strengths and weaknesses so that you can build each other up, working together to make a possible future marriage strong. In life, you can't just bail out when the going gets tough, so you have to use these opportunities to fix mistakes and get more mature about things. This is just one rough spot and there are going to be more. The marriage isn't going to be perfect; no marriage is.

We did talk a lot about different fetishes. And sometimes he'd ask me if I'd be weirded out if he was a furry or something. I just thought we were kidding around. Guess I've been too blind myself. I just don't know anyone with any fetishes that I know of. I just never thought of having to deal with them first hand either.

I guess I just have to grow up and realise everything is not perfect. It sure seemed perfect up till now. But I do have to take some responsibility if I want him in my life. This is a nice wake-up call, I guess.

- - - Updated - - -

This. Also, don't worry about it being overwhelming, usually the guys that you see that take it to the extreme are AB's, because it's also emotional for them and some can't handle it. Being a diaper lover doesn't mean he wears 24/7, though it can happen. He must trust you a whole lot to have come out like this to you. Just rest on it for a few days :D

He does :( and I just feel bad for making him feel bad for something he can't control. He doesn't need to do it 24/7. Just every now and then. It just feels like such a big journey that I was not part of. I hope I can overcome that feeling soon and start to accept him for who he is.

- - - Updated - - -

After coming out, we talk alot about my diaper related urges, and it come out that my BF don't want to be involved in it, but he will accept me wearing diapers around our home. So i respect his Will, and we are living in perfect harmony. When i wan't to try something new for example sleeping in diaper i ask him if he is okay with that and respect his opinion even if it's negative.

So if both sides will respect each other, and agree about respect and set boundaries you will propobly build beautyfull and longlasting relationship.
Best wishes
MrPolite


I just don't want him to feel like he can't be himself even though I probably don't want to be involved in it right away. I guess we just have to move up. Create boundaries and know what we're okay with. I'm glad it worked out for you :)
 
P

PyjamaBaby

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Hi Malisaa. This must have been really hard for you, but you should be very happy that he has told you. I only recently told my wife and we have been together for 15 years. She was also shocked and hurt, but loves me dearly. It is extremely difficult to tell somebody and you have to trust them implicitly to be able to do so. I hid it and buried my DL and AB feelings for many years instead.

My wife also found it overwhelming and hurtful, but slowly came to terms with it. You can let your BF carry on with this if you set boundaries. One of those can easily be that he does it when you're not around, it is enough sometimes to know that somebody accepts you for who you are and does not judge you so lets you carry on with your fetish in private. You may eventually want to do more, but you also may never do.

There are various threads from partners of AB/DL's on here and you can find some good advice if you look around. Please don't worry about being scared and not accepting it readily, the fact you are on here proves that you are starting to accept already and are trying to help him by finding out more. I promise that it will become less scary over time. Good luck and feel free to turn to anybody on here for support, that is what this group is for.
 

Geno

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Malissa said:
He is my bestfriend. And he means so much to me but I can't get over the fact that he hid it from me for so long. I believed I had met my one. I know it's a little early but I was all ready to marry and settle down with him. Am I a bad person for being scared and not accepting it as readily?

You are not a bad person even if you didn't accept it, nor wanted to accept it. For some it can be a real deal breaker. Sexual tastes and needs can be a very big and important thing in a relationship. Your reaction is perfectly normal to be frank.

I want to support him, I really wish I could. I'm all for playing. We did domme/sub stuff over the phone before the diaper thing. But even that as a lifestyle freaks me out. So I don't wanna do anything in case he likes it too much and it's something I can't handle. I've read everywhere that stuff like this doesn't go away. I don't expect it too either. Just fear that I might not be able to do what he wants or be what he needs.

I just don't want him to feel like he can't be himself even though I probably don't want to be involved in it right away. I guess we just have to move up. Create boundaries and know what we're okay with.

Be brutally honest with yourself what you will and will not do for another person in this matter. Don't feel obligated to do so only to please your partner when you yourself don't like it (breeds resentment). He shouldn't expect that you will engage with him either. You can be accepting, but not willing to engage with it.

Don't take it too much to heart, especially after only dating him for a year (and seeing him once in person) that this wasn't disclosed from the start. Yes it's upsetting, I understand that, but these things are often hard to disclose to partners especially if they seem to have no idea what they plan on doing with it (the sole fact he brought it up casually as hypothetical suggests this). Unfortunately the kicker is it can be bad news for everyone involved in the aftermath. Be careful though of his expectations of what you are willing to do, that's all I can say. I'd ask him that directly and for him to be clear on it.

My partner has more kinks than I can count with my two hands, so I really have no other advice in this case.

I just wanted to be clear that you are not a bad person if you want nothing to do with this. If you have read anywhere already anyone suggesting otherwise..they have no idea how the world works. I also want to be clear that you have to be brutally honest with yourself about it. It's just one of those deals unfortunately.

We'd be very happy to answer any other questions should you have them, as you can see by the wonderful responses by the other members here, we're more than well equipped.
 

Tyger

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I can't help but feel extremely betrayed and confused. Even though we've only met once and that too in the beginning, I thought I knew him. We have always been so open about everything, talking on the phone for hours on end. I loved how we could talk about anything. He said he did too. I love him with all my heart. I know he loves me more than anything too. I just don't know how I can come to terms with this. He only told me this 3 days ago.

I want to support him, I really wish I could. I'm all for playing. We did domme/sub stuff over the phone before the diaper thing. But even that as a lifestyle freaks me out. So I don't wanna do anything in case he likes it too much and it's something I can't handle. I've read everywhere that stuff like this doesn't go away. I don't expect it too either. Just fear that I might not be able to do what he wants or be what he needs.

He is my bestfriend. And he means so much to me but I can't get over the fact that he hid it from me for so long. I believed I had met my one. I know it's a little early but I was all ready to marry and settle down with him. Am I a bad person for being scared and not accepting it as readily?

First thoughts of mine. 15 months is a long time of knowing each other, and probably long enough to have already revealed to your special someone about your little side by now. However, you have to give him credit for telling you before you two decided and got married or something of that nature. I have heard of that happening quite a bit, and know of one couple in particular that have a very struggling relationship and i think part of it is, because she doesn't know who this guy is really. So, kudos to your boy friend for having the guts to at least tell you.

If it was me, i'd probably have done it sooner, especially when you have indicated that you are very open with each other, but no matter how open you are with each other, the first few times of telling somebody that you like to wear diapers is really really hard. Its one of those things that has social stigmas and you know it is stupid, but it is also really important, and you don't want to look like an idiot, a weirdo, a psycho, or misconstrued as a pedophile. You also don't want to loose the special person that you have built a relationship with.
Its a difficult line to decide, do i tell my girlfriend early, so there are no secrets, and it is out of the way, but seriously risk her dumping me because she knows so little about me except that i'm an odd-ball. Or do i wait for a while until she gets to know me well enough to appreciate all of my qualities and then tell her something that she might get mad at me for not telling her earlier, at which point she isn't sure weather she really knows me as well as she does.
Its a hard thing to measure what is the best method, or at what point in between. So I hope you can understand that.

If you want to support him, two things...treat him as the dom that you already have, that seems to work well, or more basically, treat him pretty much the same as you have before you knew. Secondly, read "There's a baby in my bed," a book you can find on amazon, very well written, and will pretty much in detail help you understand how his brain works in relation to this new thing.

Are you a bad person for being scared about this? No, I think the only bad choices you can make about this is one: attempting to change who he is, two: being angry at him for being this way(you can be angry at his timing if you like), three: Ignoring your hesitations.
If this is something that you know you can't handle, then it might not be for you to handle. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that you have some choices to make.
-Can we still be in a relationship and he can wear diapers and such in private?
-Is this something that i think i can get over after a while?
-Maybe we should break up.

If you get in a relationship with somebody who has something about them that you hate, then it is the wrong thing to marry them. You could end up raising kids in a home where you argue with your partner about stupid crap, because you hate something about them. Its not worth it.
You have to accept that you have specifics that must be met for your relationship to work, and if him never wearing diapers or thinking sexual thoughts about wearing diapers is a specific for a NOT. Then I nor anybody else cant blame you for breaking it off, it is the wise choice, and one day both of you will find somebody that fits your needs.

So to reiterate, no you are not a bad person for having a hard time accepting, just don't make bad choices about it.
In truth though, it is a hard thing to accept and understand, only having a few days to think about it is not enough time to really make a wise decision on if it is a big enough problem to break a relationship over.

Now i will get off my soap box and read the rest of the posts, i hope i didn't tell you a bunch of stuff that was already said.

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I know. He almost had a panic attack before telling me. I don't want to end it. I guess I just needed to be able to talk about it with somebody other than him and someone who understood. When we're talking about it, it's just that both of us want to be comforted and neither of us can really do anything. I just couldn't relate to him as to why telling me was such a big deal and why it took him so long. I'm the first person he has come out to, no less.

I just don't want him to feel like he can't be himself even though I probably don't want to be involved in it right away. I guess we just have to move up. Create boundaries and know what we're okay with. I'm glad it worked out for you :)

Telling anybody for the first time is really really really hard. Partially because, for the most part, most people doesn't even know it exists. There is no way for him to reference past experience to use as a way to tell it to you in an easy and simple manner. My first experience I didn't know if i should say "i'm an infantilist", "i like diapers," "i like babyish things," or "i'm an adult baby." The first words are the worst, because none of them completely describe the thing as a whole. (Personally, i think it is best to just say "I'm an adult baby" and then work from there). Anyway, personal experience of telling people makes it easier, but till then, you feel like you are choking every time you are about ready to say to somebody your first few words of what you want to tell. My first five or so times I started with "I want to tell you something" and then sat for a few minutes in agony, and then just texted it to them.

I'm glad that you want him to feel like he can be himself, that is a good aspiration. My suggestion, is, give things a shot, let him try something that you don't absolutely dislike, and then after the first or second time, tell him weather you don't want to be a part of that particular thing any more or not. Read that book and you can get an idea of what i'm talking about. Try little things, maybe he wants to drink a bottle from you, try feeding him a bottle once or twice. Other things could include, sleeping in a diaper, cuddling with you in a diaper(pants or no pants), breast feeding, you joining him in wearing a diaper.
There is a whole slew of things that could be little hopes in his mind that he wishes you might participate with him in some day. Some of them you will know right off the bat that you do not like, let him know that. Others you might be like "ehhughghg." Well maybe it weird's you out, but who knows, maybe in the end you will actually like it. Its like eating something you have never tried before. There have been plenty of couples that i have heard of, where the non-ab partner figures out that this particular secret seems to make their relationship way more special because they have something fun that nobody else knows about that they can share.

I'm sure you will be able to figure it out. It will just take time and experimenting, and in the end, maybe its not the right thing for you, maybe you are not even the right people for each other, or maybe, you can become two people who know every single facet of the others life, mind, personality, hopes, dreams, and whatever else people dream of having in a relationship, but often don't have because they are too afraid to take risks in sharing their inner-most thoughts and feelings.
 
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Malisaa, thanks a ton for coming here to discuss the issue. There's some great advice in this thread, and I hope that both you and your boyfriend are getting the support you need to work out the issue.

From your post and especially your second reply, it sounds to me as though you like your boyfriend, but you really don't like the diaper thing. You said
I guess I just have to grow up and realise everything is not perfect. It sure seemed perfect up till now. But I do have to take some responsibility if I want him in my life. This is a nice wake-up call, I guess.

It's important that you think about both sides of that. You're right that, unfortunately, things in life aren't going to be perfect. So your job is to figure out what's important to you: your limits as to what kinds of activities you are and are not willing to participate in. Some things, including age play or the idea of going in diapers, just creep some people out, and if they're not for you, you need to make that clear. On the other hand, maybe after you get some time to think through all this stuff, you'll find that you're willing to try some new stuff and maybe you'll end up enjoying it. That's up to you. Once you've made your position clear, it's up to you and your boyfriend talking together to figure out whether a relationship can continue on terms that make both of you happy. Maybe it can, maybe it can't. I wish you all the best in trying to make it happen.

One thing I will say about the reveal is that telling you at all was probably really, really hard for your boyfriend. Liking to wear diapers is unusual enough that almost all of us here have built up pretty major hangups about it. The first time I told a friend, I got the shakes through my entire body and I had to dance around the topic for a long time before I could come out and say it. It's just really really hard to talk about for many of us because everyone worries that they'll be judged just on this one thing and their friends and loved ones will forget about everything else. Building up the confidence to handle discussing a sexual kink like diapers is something that takes time. If you're willing, it might even be something that you can help your boyfriend with: if he gets comfortable talking about diapers around you, within your acceptable limits, it will help him be more confident with others, regardless of how your relationship works out long term.

Again, let me wish the two of you all the best.
 

Malisaa

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Hi Malisaa. This must have been really hard for you, but you should be very happy that he has told you. I only recently told my wife and we have been together for 15 years. She was also shocked and hurt, but loves me dearly. It is extremely difficult to tell somebody and you have to trust them implicitly to be able to do so. I hid it and buried my DL and AB feelings for many years instead.

Listening to this I actually am relieved he told me now. 15 years is a long time. Especially to keep a secret so big. At lease she knows now and you're not alone. Same with us. It's just hard imagining being totally alone in this.

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My wife also found it overwhelming and hurtful, but slowly came to terms with it. You can let your BF carry on with this if you set boundaries. One of those can easily be that he does it when you're not around, it is enough sometimes to know that somebody accepts you for who you are and does not judge you so lets you carry on with your fetish in private. You may eventually want to do more, but you also may never do.

There are various threads from partners of AB/DL's on here and you can find some good advice if you look around. Please don't worry about being scared and not accepting it readily, the fact you are on here proves that you are starting to accept already and are trying to help him by finding out more. I promise that it will become less scary over time. Good luck and feel free to turn to anybody on here for support, that is what this group is for.

That's what I'm trying to figure out actually. What I would be down to do and what I can not. It is getting easier day after day. And you guys are helping a lot too. It's so nice to know that other people got brought the same thing. And hearing it from the other side is a nice change too. Thank you and I'm glad your wife came around.
 

ozbub

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Hey Malissa I'll go with most of what's been said here. Just remember that you're in a relationship and that means a two way street. Enjoy what you like from this... I'm sure you'll work that out, but make sure that the things you like are being attended to. ... Too much his way may close traffic heading your way.
 

Malisaa

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You are not a bad person even if you didn't accept it, nor wanted to accept it. For some it can be a real deal breaker. Sexual tastes and needs can be a very big and important thing in a relationship. Your reaction is perfectly normal to be frank.


Thank you for that. I just never knew people went through this and this was an actual thing. But he has assured me this is not the only thing he's into. Nor does he really want me to be a part of it if I don't want to. So that's good.


Be brutally honest with yourself what you will and will not do for another person in this matter. Don't feel obligated to do so only to please your partner when you yourself don't like it (breeds resentment). He shouldn't expect that you will engage with him either. You can be accepting, but not willing to engage with it.

Don't take it too much to heart, especially after only dating him for a year (and seeing him once in person) that this wasn't disclosed from the start. Yes it's upsetting, I understand that, but these things are often hard to disclose to partners especially if they seem to have no idea what they plan on doing with it (the sole fact he brought it up casually as hypothetical suggests this). Unfortunately the kicker is it can be bad news for everyone involved in the aftermath. Be careful though of his expectations of what you are willing to do, that's all I can say. I'd ask him that directly and for him to be clear on it.

That's pretty good advice actually. Because getting overwhelmed in a situation like this doesn't help. Like I said, it's just getting easier day by day and I'm so grateful for that alone. I have talked to him about it. Discussed the extent of his fetishes. What he sees us doing and all. I even gave him the link for this forum even though I didn't plan on doing that, just so that he knows where I'm coming from. And that I'm trying. (Hi,baby)

We'd be very happy to answer any other questions should you have them, as you can see by the wonderful responses by the other members here, we're more than well equipped.
No doubts on that!

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If it was me, i'd probably have done it sooner, especially when you have indicated that you are very open with each other, but no matter how open you are with each other, the first few times of telling somebody that you like to wear diapers is really really hard. Its one of those things that has social stigmas and you know it is stupid, but it is also really important, and you don't want to look like an idiot, a weirdo, a psycho, or misconstrued as a pedophile. You also don't want to loose the special person that you have built a relationship with.
Its a difficult line to decide, do i tell my girlfriend early, so there are no secrets, and it is out of the way, but seriously risk her dumping me because she knows so little about me except that i'm an odd-ball. Or do i wait for a while until she gets to know me well enough to appreciate all of my qualities and then tell her something that she might get mad at me for not telling her earlier, at which point she isn't sure weather she really knows me as well as she does.
Its a hard thing to measure what is the best method, or at what point in between. So I hope you can understand that..

I do understand how hard it can be now. Agree with the earlier bit though. He was actually hoping to never have to tell me which would be worse beyond words. So yes, was I little weirded out? Yeah. But am I glad he told me? Totally. For anyone else too, I suggest they tell their gf/bfs if they see a future with them. Just spending a lot of time with someone and having to find it out indirectly or just catching them in the act will freak the. Out even more and can have very bad effects on the way the relationship will progress, if it does that is.






Telling anybody for the first time is really really really hard. Partially because, for the most part, most people doesn't even know it exists. There is no way for him to reference past experience to use as a way to tell it to you in an easy and simple manner. My first experience I didn't know if i should say "i'm an infantilist", "i like diapers," "i like babyish things," or "i'm an adult baby." The first words are the worst, because none of them completely describe the thing as a whole. (Personally, i think it is best to just say "I'm an adult baby" and then work from there). Anyway, personal experience of telling people makes it easier, but till then, you feel like you are choking every time you are about ready to say to somebody your first few words of what you want to tell. My first five or so times I started with "I want to tell you something" and then sat for a few minutes in agony, and then just texted it to them.

I'm glad that you want him to feel like he can be himself, that is a good aspiration. My suggestion, is, give things a shot, let him try something that you don't absolutely dislike, and then after the first or second time, tell him weather you don't want to be a part of that particular thing any more or not. Read that book and you can get an idea of what i'm talking about. Try little things, maybe he wants to drink a bottle from you, try feeding him a bottle once or twice. Other things could include, sleeping in a diaper, cuddling with you in a diaper(pants or no pants), breast feeding, you joining him in wearing a diaper.
There is a whole slew of things that could be little hopes in his mind that he wishes you might participate with him in some day. Some of them you will know right off the bat that you do not like, let him know that. Others you might be like "ehhughghg." Well maybe it weird's you out, but who knows, maybe in the end you will actually like it. Its like eating something you have never tried before. There have been plenty of couples that i have heard of, where the non-ab partner figures out that this particular secret seems to make their relationship way more special because they have something fun that nobody else knows about that they can share.

I'm sure you will be able to figure it out. It will just take time and experimenting, and in the end, maybe its not the right thing for you, maybe you are not even the right people for each other, or maybe, you can become two people who know every single facet of the others life, mind, personality, hopes, dreams, and whatever else people dream of having in a relationship, but often don't have because they are too afraid to take risks in sharing their inner-most thoughts and feelings.

I saw it happen first hand. Hate to think of being in that position. He sent me a link to 5 top fetishes and told me he was into two of them. Won't talk about it more since I'm not proud of my reaction after the first 5 10 minutes.
It does make it nice in a way. Just knowing there are no more secrets after this. And this is the worst it can get.
It does make sense. Just need to know about my comfort zone as of now.

- - - Updated - - -

Malisaa, thanks a ton for coming here to discuss the issue. There's some great advice in this thread, and I hope that both you and your boyfriend are getting the support you need to work out the issue.

From your post and especially your second reply, it sounds to me as though you like your boyfriend, but you really don't like the diaper thing. You said

It's important that you think about both sides of that. You're right that, unfortunately, things in life aren't going to be perfect. So your job is to figure out what's important to you: your limits as to what kinds of activities you are and are not willing to participate in. Some things, including age play or the idea of going in diapers, just creep some people out, and if they're not for you, you need to make that clear. On the other hand, maybe after you get some time to think through all this stuff, you'll find that you're willing to try some new stuff and maybe you'll end up enjoying it. That's up to you. Once you've made your position clear, it's up to you and your boyfriend talking together to figure out whether a relationship can continue on terms that make both of you happy. Maybe it can, maybe it can't. I wish you all the best in trying to make it happen.

I still don't know if I'm okay with him wearing it with me. I feel like I could do the little things apart from that that he enjoys. He does want to be babied and I feel like that might not be so hard. What I was actually freaking out about before was not being able to be normal or go back to what it was. Those fears are going away with time as I realise he is the same person I fell in love with and this doesn't change things between us. It is easier for me to accept it that way. I get to call the shots and do it when I'm ready. That's always good.

- - - Updated - - -

Hey Malissa I'll go with most of what's been said here. Just remember that you're in a relationship and that means a two way street. Enjoy what you like from this... I'm sure you'll work that out, but make sure that the things you like are being attended to. ... Too much his way may close traffic heading your way.

Couldn't agree more. Just going to try and find the right balance now :)
 

bfp2

Est. Contributor
Messages
33
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Sissy
  3. Little
  4. Other
Hi Malisaa,
Your bf is very lucky to have you and you are very lucky to have someone trust you so much. Many years ago I lived with my gf and we were together about six years before I could muster up the courage to tell her. It did not go well and I could only get out a small portion of what I was. It was tough back then, no internet so I wasn't even sure.

She told me to stop, and i know she knows I didn't (she has found my things more than once). We are married and have a kid, we still love each other greatly, but I have been leading a double life for so long I am now going through a mental breakdown.

I'm not telling you to scare you, just confirming what many have said in that this will not go away. The fear I have of being rejected by my wife is so strong I feel unwilling to take further risk. Out of necessity I have recently been trying to have the kind of communication that you and your bf have had. I can tell you that the odd/not normal things about me have been a part of me since the age of five.

I am what happens when you bottle up who you are for almost 20 years, eventually you come unraveled. If you love your bf accept him and let him know it's ok, it will be one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone. As tough as things have been for you your bf has put himself out there for your sake, just understand that from a fear and anxiety perspective, skydiving for the first time would probably have been much easier.

Thank you for sharing with us, it is a great help to others who can relate on both sides.
 

Fruitkitty

ADISC Content Editor
Staff
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2,185
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  1. Diaper Lover
  2. Diaperfur
My contribution here is to insist that you don't take the fact that your boyfriend took 15 months to tell you personally.


Embarrassing secrets, especially embarrassing secrets about the taboo topic of sex and sexuality, are far more difficult to admit to others than they seem like they should be. Not only are they deeply embarrassing, but if one has any sense of self-preservation, that sense is screaming from the rooftops that it's a big risk to tell anyone. It's not an unfounded risk; there are horror stories floating around this and other similar communities of people who one would have expected to be open-minded of the issue who have instead reacted harshly negatively. I've heard stories of parents who've disowned their kids and significant others who've immediately broken off relationships and then destroyed reputations by gossiping. These are rare cases, to be sure, but the point that they raise is that for the person with the embarrassing fetish, disclosure means taking a risk with an off-chance of having one's life ruined.

As a result, the article we have here on ADISC about disclosure specifically recommends not telling most people, and recommends disclosure to significant others only once a relationship becomes "serious".



I personally had to work up a lot of courage to tell the handful of people I've told in person. These were close friends.

Heck, I chickened out of going to the first college gay-straight alliance meeting I was planning on going to. That was years after I was staff on this forum, I had a boyfriend, nothing really surprised me anymore. An LGBT meeting was a giant nothingburger and it was still tough for me.




So, don't take it personally that it took him 15 months to tell you. It's just the nature of this that it can be very tough for people to come out about this. The fact that he did is a substantial show of trust. In fairness to his previous hesitance, you are having some doubts.

The fact that you're here asking questions is a very mature and level-headed reaction. The advice in this thread had been quite good: relationships are two-way streets and you should not feel any obligation to go past your boundaries.
 

BlueGrey

Est. Contributor
Messages
582
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Little
As said by others, that he took his time in telling you this means he does not share it with just anybody: He must think you are very special to him. You are the one! He is very wise in bringing it out so it can be dealt with while you are free to come or go. I was not so wise. As a result, I married a girl who did her best for many years to prevent me from doing anything baby related. As bfp2 says, I was incredibly depressed, and figured my life could not last long.
More recently, she has taken a step back and left it up to me to explore my child side. She will never participate, but she does not pressure me either. I am truly thankful for that much understanding. There are different levels for you to experience.
Do read the book mentioned earlier, "There's a Baby in my Bed!". It helps greatly with understanding who we are.
 
D

Deleted member 31681

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I want to congratulate you on coming here and asking.

Be honest how you feel. We all know that it is very strange for the average person. Just because he likes it doesn't mean that you have to approve or allow it. Start with what you are comfortable with and if later you feel comfortable with doing more, than you can do that. If you don't want to do anything more then he should be lucky to get what he can get.
 

askmelater47

Est. Contributor
Messages
688
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  1. Diaper Lover
at least you know now, ive read some other peoples stories on here, and they were already married and had children in school before their SO found out or was told. This is just a very touchy/embarrasing subject for most people and many people fear having a negative reaction so much they just wont share it ever. I'm a DL, and alot more open about myself than alot of people, but still this is the last thing that I'd tell anybody about myself. I have told all/most of my SO's but usually i wont tell them until at least a couple months have passed. I've told maybe 5 people other than my SO's but these are all friends I've had for 5+ years through thick and thin, trustworthy and usually I know just as deep stuff about them too. I feel that you should have no reason to think you've been betrayed, but of course if its something you just cant handle(or handle yet) then you might need to set some boundaries, or think about how much you love him.
 

Disneyprincess

Est. Contributor
Messages
150
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  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Other
Hey malissa, I understand what a shock it is to find something like this out, even within this realm of ABDL there are still things that I'm not comfortable with. Before i met my current BF of 14 Months i had many other, i don't want to say partners because I'm not really sure what we were. Either way "partners" that came out to me with news along the same lines although every situation is different, i even had one guy that wanted me to urinate on him..... to each their own, i always tried not to judge and be opened minded because I have my own quirks that are weird. When i started dating my significant other a little over a year ago i was in the same position as your BF.... I was the one that had a dirty little secret... It was EXCRUCIATINGLY hard to tell him about my "little side" he was the first "vanilla" person i had ever tried to date, and it was extremely hard to tell him it took MONTHS before i told him everything. Honestly the only reason i ended up telling him is because hes REALLY good at psychoanalyzing and he knew something big was bothering me i wasn't being completely honest with him and he kind of forced it out. But even then it took two months before i told him everything. Now i know that this isn't the first thought on your mind but try to be opened minded, the way i handled it with my boyfriend (kinda used some psychological tricks i learned in psychology class, about behavior reinforcement;) but since i told him over time, he was very open and accepting (though was weirded out at first) because he grew to understand how much it meant to me and how special that it was something that i shared with only him. Now he openly encourages that side of me to the extent he actually "plays along" ;) and LIKES it. lol i know crazy as it sounds ( i think I've corrupted him;) lol becuase he honestly enjoys it and now i can tell Role playing with me even turns him on. lol I'm not saying that this will happen with you, or that if you try it you'll like it but i also think keeping an open mind is good because who knows you might like it.. ;) the old saying don't knock it till you try it definitively applies here. Just like my BF considers it an honor that I trust him and only him with this part of me consider it an honor that he trusts you. I know it took awhile but understand that for a lot of us (abdl's) there is alot of people who aren't accepting... and its hard to tell the person who you've grown to love more than anything because their opinion can either crush you or make you feel like your flying.. and while feeling like your flying is great, sometimes the fear of being crushed overwhelms any possible reward. Honestly from what you have said i can tell he loves you especially if your the first person he's told, and to go along with what others have said if you do truly plan on marrying him this is good relationship practice for the future because all relationships are give and take. However a word of warning I'm so glad you realize you can't change him and that you don't want to which puts you ahead of 50% of females who think they can change their SO, and that is a dangerous game. The philosophy i try to live by is if there is something you can't live with for the rest of your life then they aren't the ones for you, because you may be able to overlook it now but marriage has a way of making even the tiniest of annoyances the most aggravating offenses. But again from what it sounds like that is not your goal here your just worried about being able to support him which i think is incredibly sweet. :) Honestly your heart is in the right place so i wouldn't worry too much. Just keep an open mind and try to remember he didn't keep this from you to be mean, this is something i truly believe people hide because they truly love someone and don't want to force it on them. I hope all goes well for you and keep us posted i would like to hear how things go for you guys. :) best of luck!
 

Malisaa

Contributor
Messages
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@bfp2
Hi, I'm really sorry to hear that. Hope you're having some luck with your wife nowadays. I wouldn't go as far as condemning it, I wouldn't. I accept him for who is. I see him the same way I always did now. But it's hard for me to be part of it right now. Especially since we're so far away and I can physically not do anything. I try when I'm comfortable though.
I don't want him to be stressed anymore but there's only so much I can do. I know he'd want me to participate someday. Maybe I will.. I just feel bad for making him feel like he shouldn't do it. That was not my intention. Just the way I reacted initially that makes him feel this way. I just hope he knows he can do what he wants by himself. It's just the feelings he would associate with me while we're doing that that still scares me a little. I told him I could be the babysitter instead. Not now, but yeah someday. Baby steps :)
I hope you have success with your problems too. I'm sure it hurts her knowing that you have to live a double life too. Best thing is, there are so many people here that you can talk about it with. Good luck :)

@fruitkitty
Yeah I know I shouldn't. And I see the complications and everything. There's still a little part of me that says that we were beyond all that. And that he should've known that I wouldn't tell anyone else. That being said, I wouldn't have wanted to be in the dark for any longer than I was. So him telling me will always be appreciated.
Haha that's the point. Even if I don't talk about myself, he was serious after like the first few weeks. But yeah I'm trying to get it. He says that he just couldn't tell me.
Yeah, I think I'm the only person he'd ever be able to talk about it. Someone he actually knows. And I really don't want to scare him into thinking that I'm too weirded out by it.

@disneyprincess
Haha that sounds like the perfect coming out experience. Like I said before for me it is about the feelings he associates with it(which are all mostly sexual). But it can't be that bad in his head surely. Also I'm tiny and he's almost 7inches taller than me which kind of makes actually imagining doing anything a lil awkward. Don't know what it will be like actually. I've talked about having play sessions or bottle feedings with him. But long distance doesn't really agree right now.
Agree with that marriage but. And that was a concern in the beginning. Now I'm just trying to focus on the present and what I can actually do.
We will :) Thanks!
 
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