Blaming Myself.

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LittleJess

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I just remembered a lot of the things that occurred during my primary school and high school years.

Some of the terrible abuse I went through were blackmail by other students, I lost a lot of pocket money due to them, I had my head slammed into a pole and had my tooth chip, pushed, abused kicked daily.

I had all my friends turn out to be hoax friends, back stab me, and abused and used me.

I've only had one real friend, but bullies ruined my friendships and pretty much tuned there families against me.

Now that I think about it, I kind of blame myself.

I mostly blocked this out of my head until now.
 

Marting

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Don't blame yourself! Bullying is horrid, but not your fault. By blaming yourself you are kinda bullying yourself. Love who you are x
 

Trevor

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Unless that blame is helping you to see how you might do things better in the future, it's not productive.
 

MarchinBunny

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I have a gone through a lot of similar things myself and i'm sorry to hear you had to go through such things as well. I used to blame myself as well for a lot of things that went wrong in my life. I can't say exactly when it was I stopped blaming myself ... but I do know at some point it just clicked and I realized there was not anything wrong with me and not everything was my fault.

I am probably not entirely passed blaming myself, but in my opinion, it's ok to blame yourself for certain thing if you honestly believe you could have done better. However, I don't think one should dwell on it and rather use it as an experience to help them grow to be better person, so you don't make the same mistakes again. With that said, the above is certainly not your fault and I hope you can get past it and accept that there probably wasn't anything you could do at the time. No one deserves to be treated that way.
 
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Starrunner

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I just remembered a lot of the things that occurred during my primary school and high school years.

Some of the terrible abuse I went through were blackmail by other students, I lost a lot of pocket money due to them, I had my head slammed into a pole and had my tooth chip, pushed, abused kicked daily.

I had all my friends turn out to be hoax friends, back stab me, and abused and used me.

I've only had one real friend, but bullies ruined my friendships and pretty much tuned there families against me.

Now that I think about it, I kind of blame myself.

I mostly blocked this out of my head until now.

So the question would be: Why do you feel that any of this could possibly be your fault? It sounds like you were fortunate enough to have survived a terrible ordeal by blocking it out of your mind. It's a testament to your strength and courage that you found ways to cope with it in spite of the scars.

I'm also a person who has blocked out most of my childhood because of the abuse at home and the bullying in school. It's never bothered me not remembering it because it would just mean reliving painful, humiliating experiences all over again. There's a lot there, just below the surface, but I just can't face it again.

If your memories are returning, then there must be a reason why this is happening now, a trigger of some sort. I would strongly advise you speak to a counsellor about what is happening. The memories themselves may be very old and therefore subject to distortion or reinterpretation. You may be remembering things differently than the way they actually happened and inadvertently blaming yourself for things that did not happen..

From your posts on this site, it's evident that you are a good person, you have nothing for which to blame yourself. You need to believe that.
 

dogboy

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I think a number of us have gone through this. When my wife's health crashed about 9 years ago, my whole past came vomiting up out of my buried memories. What I did was to start writing. Somehow, I knew it would become a novel and it's now self published to Kindle/Amazon. It's an innocent story about a family who had to move to their great aunt's haunted house, but it tells a lot more than just that. It's about loneliness, abuse, and relationships.

The best thing you can do with bad memories is to make something positive out of them, or do something positive.
 

Gsmax

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Sorry to hear about that. From your description of what happened, nothing I've gone through has been that bad, though I know I've definitely had my share of faux friends that stabbed me in the back, and I will admit that I blamed myself for that as well as many other problems. I can't think of any cure that'll get you to stop. You just sort of gradually stop doing so. I know I will still blame myself for stupid past mistakes, but I don't do so nearly as often as I used to. I can definitely tell you that it's not productive nor will it help you prevent you from repeating your past mistakes. The sooner you stop (or at least significantly reduce) blaming yourself for mistakes, the better.
 
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The best thing you can do with bad memories is to make something positive out of them, or do something positive.

I think this is a really good suggestion. Blaming yourself doesn't really do anything. I think blaming in general doesn't, it's not resolving the rush of memories coming back or recovering from the bad feelings you experienced. If it does make you feel better to blame someone, I'd suggest putting blame on the people who hurt you because no matter what you did, it didn't give them the right to attack you as you describe. As with many others here, I experienced some pretty severe bullying when I was young (though I'm lucky in comparison, I didn't suffer any permanent injuries). I feel like what helped me was finding things I cared about, stuff like studying law, playing videogames, playing music that brought me into contact with other people who had the same interests and then spending my time with those people. I think having something in common is a good way to find friendships, and a new activity can also be a good way to divert all the feelings you're having about the past into something productive.
 
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