Warning: Heaviness ahead. You have been warned.
Before the age of 10, I do not recall having any bed wetting issues, but I do remember being overly-cautious before bed. I was under the impression that I needed to ‘completely drain the tank’ and would sit on the toilet for quite a while, whilst running water on my hands to stimulate my bladder.
After a traumatic attack at 10 (during which I wet myself in fear), I woke from a nightmare in a soaked bed. I remember trying to surreptitiously sneak a towel from the bathroom and shuffle my wet linens downstairs. I was not as stealthy as I’d hoped, as once I was downstairs before the washer, lit only by the light of the moon, my mother called to me, and asked if I was alright. I was so terrified of being found out, that I pressed myself against the wall and washer, in an attempt to hide. The fear was overwhelming, and I wet myself, sans underclothing. I remember the awful feel of hot urine down my legs, pooling at my feet that were bare and cold on the concrete. My mother asked again if I needed help. Somehow, I found the strength to reply with a shaky no. After I heard her footsteps retreat in the direction of her bedroom, I dried myself off using a dirty towel from one of the piles of laundry to be done, threw my wet bedclothes into the washer, started the cycle, and made my way back upstairs to my own room. I stopped by the bathroom and grabbed another set of sheets and a dry towel. It was futile trying to dry the large wet spot in the middle of the mattress, as it had begun soaking in. I remember trying not to cry out loud in frustration and shame, and hot tears coursing down my cheeks as I scrubbed. I finally resigned to my fate, folded the towel back into a large square, and placed it over the spot. Sheets went on top. I don’t think I was able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.
This horrible cycle continued for a few days; a horrid nightmare, a wet bed, a fumble to try and hide the soaking shame, and a desperate need to hide it all.
Following the immediate attack, my parent‘s never inquired about my reactions, my subsequent bed wetting, and the PTSD that developed. If I asked, the assault was my fault, for walking in a ‘dangerous place’ alone, and the bedwetting? A sign that I was mentally ill.
I have been processing this incident for twenty years, and the body really does keep the score. Nightmares and bedwetting immediately take me back to that first night.
As a grown-up, I know that the assault was not my fault. I know that the bedwetting wasn’t because of a mental illness; it was a reaction to something that no-one should go through. It is getting better, but has been rough lately.
But I need to put on some cartoons and build some new Lego! I got a a little Star Wars set of a Snowspeeder to join my fleet!