Any advice please - Coming Out, My 22 year secret

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Resplasboy

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Hi,

I could do with some advice, for years I've thought about coming out to my family, now I realize I need to engage my best friends and may be a few of my parents friends also, the sole reason for this is extra support for my ailing late 60's parents, I couldn't tell them and then they not be able to get it off there chests.

I think I know how my dad will react (he's a control freak - he has admitted it to) he has a unknown heart condition called syndrome X, heart attack symptoms without the heart attack, my mum has a mild form of parkinsons disease and is a bit frail (got herself locked in the shed the other day - stuck in there for an hour), but is a person of a happy go lucky personality.

(so that you know a little about me: the view my family and friends have of me is a kind, caring, gentle and loving person, which is true, and it will never change - then there's the dark side of me: I am a masochist, with a liking for of pain, rubber, bondage and humiliation)

I'm thinking of using a two pronged strategy

starting with: Coming Out - my 22 year secret, making light of the fact I'm not Dying or Gay - please don't shoot me for my gay analogy - my reason for using it is: dad's best friend came out to him, his first twisted comment was: as long you don't have anything to do with kids - when dads best friend told me what he said I was like seriously WTF!! - the best friend, he knows about first prong me - I told him over plenty of alcohol some years ago

my first prong is to go in and let them know that I'm the happiest I've been in 22 years, tell them about being a masochist, and the other bits.

when the anger, shock, disgust hopefully fades:

I mention that there is more - and it is even more of a Taboo subject, which to many it is, to me it is completely normal - this is the second prong.

This is the bit I've yet to work out tactically.

Sorry for it being long winded, and sounding like a script for a documentary, in truth it is probably over 30 years a secret - but I need to stop living a lie, it starts to way heavy on your shoulders after 30 years - please if anyone has any advice, or thinks it is a stupid idea, all comments welcome.

many thanks for reading,
Jan
 

Tyger

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Well, I told my parents, but it was because I was living with them and I wanted them to be aware so they weren't super curious about what is going on. Some of it was also because I wanted them to understand me better, and I felt like they didn't know who I really was. What is the main reason you are telling them?
Telling your parents can be a very dramatic and hard experience to go through. If you don't have a strong practical reason, and it is mostly for psychological closure, then make sure you are really certain that you want to do this, it could make things difficult between you and your parents. What are some of the advantages that you see yourself gaining out of this?

I don't want to be overly discouraging about it, but just make sure it is what you really need.
 
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CrinklySiren

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My first question to you would have to be "why". The way it seems, these are sexual fetishes, (i.e. the whole masochism, bondage, humiliation etc.), why do you feel the need to tell your family about your sexual fetishes/desires?

I think what you need is a feeling of belonging, a sense of community ~ You need to find others like you because honestly, telling your family will not really help you in any way to feel freer, it will be awkward... By keeping your sexual desires a secret from them, you are doing them a favor. If the only advantage would be to have the freedom to wear around your parents then I would understand (as it was said by Tyger, the he let his parents know solely because he wanted to not be afraid of being found out). But the whole BDSM side of you, thats something best kept secret and shared with a partner or with a community of BDSM people ~ It just seems to me like its something you would be doing in private ANYWAY, so why come out and publically explain you BDSM side if (and i can guarantee this) you wont be practicing it in front of them at all.

And also, why do you feel as though you are living a lie? Not everyone in your life has to know EVERYTHING about you. Would you be happier knowing your parent's sexual escapades? Because I sure as hell wouldn't lol.

Just to be sure, I'm saying all this in the assumption that you are trying to tell your family about your BDSM desires, and not your ABDL desires. But even if its the latter, I still wouldn't recommend it unless you are forced to live with them and want the freedom to feel like you can be yourself. I moved out of my parents house about 3 years ago, and I cant imagine moving back in ~ but if I did, i would tell them about my ABDL/Little lifestyle solely for the purpose of having the same freedom I had in my apartment and nothing else ~ but then again, being ABDL is not sexual for me at all.

I feel like the issue here is what I mentioned first ~ you want a sense of community and belonging; a group of people near you to which you can express yourself and not feel like you have to hide yourself. I would recommend Fetlife ~ you will make plenty of friends on there quite fast seeing as its primarily a BDSM social site. I truly feel (and i speak for many people on here) that telling your family about either your BDSM or ABDL desires (especially at your age) it wouldn't be any sort of beneficial... its usually only beneficial when you are young because the younger you are the more likely you are that your parents will support your or try to help in some way (granted, even THIS is rare), but it seems to me like you're already an adult, and the only reaction you'll gauge from your parents (if not a negative on) is a "ok.. what do you want us to do about it?" kind of reaciton, before they too show confusion and will most llikely desire an explanation for why you felt the need to tell them.

This is just my opinion on that matter, I simply see no purpose in telling your family. Friends and lovers? Sure, we all love sharing our kinks, and you'll probably be able to give a friend or lover a sense of comfort in being able to admit or accept or express a part of themselves they've been to afraid to express ~ but family members?? I see only negative or counterproductive results.
 

babydavie

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So.... here's my two cents.... it's OK to "come out" and tell your family.... but be as open and honest as possible. I made the mistake of partially coming out to my wife about my need to wear diapers...and told a lie that I was partially incontinent.... then when I felt guilty and told her the whole truth.... she was really hurt..... so if oyu are going to take this step....and I would think carefully about taking the step.... then just be honest....I will always regret that I wasn't.
 

Resplasboy

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Thanks Tyger,

The main reason is, the same as you, I want them to understand me better, I feel like they didn't know the real me.
I want them to know that I haven't wasted my life on silly thing's, which I have up until a few years ago and they know it.
I know they love me, but they deserve to know why I'm happy - I can tell them I'm happy, but I can't explain why.

(I'm 40) and after 22 years of keeping it inside, I'm about to pop.

I only started making contact with others like me 6 months ago, this has been a big help and now I'm in a Dom/sub relationship with a sadistic mummy, who I'm in awe of.

I understand the implications that's why I need to make real sure I'm doing this for the right reasons, if I can keep a secret close to 30 years, why not another 30, If I have friends in the fetish community as a whole and they are there for me (like wise me for them) I may not tell them, Once they are gone, maybe I will tell my sister and my best vanilla friends.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks Davie,
I appreciate your comments, thats why I have a two pronged strategy, come out with less Taboo first, and move onto the real Taboo, ultimately it is my goal to tell them every little detail, no matter how horrified they are.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks CrinklyEmilyLG, I wish I had more time, I will give you more information tomorrow I promise, I intend to live this as lifestyle, not play from time to time. With that I have 5 minutes before being in bed, I was naughty:
her words to me: getting out of bed, swearing, trying to negotiate isn't playfulness but neither is your 7pm bed time tonight, she has given me a 15 minute extension, and won't disappoint her, until tomorrow. fetfun
 

MotherFaith

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Hey Fetfun, thanks for sharing this issue you are having I hope we can help.

I too am into bdsm and also a dl so understand everything you have said, I do not really get the coming all out party you are planning though. I agree with Emily in that you may not get the reaction you want to achieve. I think it is awesome that you have finally found someone to share this part of your life with and that you feel confident to tell others about these new feelings you are experiencing. However, with every relationship there is boundaries to what we tell and show people. Would you be prepared to show this side of yourself to all your work colleagues for instance? It is not likely and this is with good reason. Would it not be a better idea to tell your parents that you have met someone special and you click on many different levels. Explain to your parents that you spent lots of time messing around and now you are in a relationship with a woman who gets you on an emotional level.

Just one last point to make, you mention your mother has Parkinson's. Does she really need to have the added stress of finding out about her sons fetishes and kinks. Does she not have enough to deal with already? I do not think you need to go into detail with your parents about your sexual desires. As already mentioned, you would probably not want to know theirs.

Good luck with whatever you decide though, it is good food for thought.
 
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abdlwpg

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Did your parents tell you every little detail about their sex lives? If they did that was incredibly poor boundaries, as it would be for you to tell them about your sex life. I mean I am sure some families have a sex positive dialogue going, but reading about your dad's negative reaction to his best friend and that you are worried about traumatizing them that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Tell some friends sure, but why cause your parents distress for no reason? It doesn't really make a difference if your parents think about you or if they know the real you. Sounds like if you do tell them they might wish you hadn't, and might long for the time they just thought of you as a "loser" or whatever you're worried about them thinking. I'd recommend talking this over with a therapist if you're not in already in therapy, and they can listen to you and then probably break down why this is a bad idea. People hide stuff from each other all the time and people who always tell the truth are often not pleasant to be around.
 

MotherFaith

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Did your parents tell you every little detail about their sex lives? If they did that was incredibly poor boundaries, as it would be for you to tell them about your sex life. I mean I am sure some families have a sex positive dialogue going, but reading about your dad's negative reaction to his best friend and that you are worried about traumatizing them that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Tell some friends sure, but why cause your parents distress for no reason? It doesn't really make a difference if your parents think about you or if they know the real you. Sounds like if you do tell them they might wish you hadn't, and might long for the time they just thought of you as a "loser" or whatever you're worried about them thinking. I'd recommend talking this over with a therapist if you're not in already in therapy, and they can listen to you and then probably break down why this is a bad idea. People hide stuff from each other all the time and people who always tell the truth are often not pleasant to be around.

I think you have generalised a little with your last statement, telling the truth does not make people unpleasant. And why does he need to go to a therapist because he is finally happy with who he is and has found someone to share his kinky side with?
 

dogboy

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To quote you, WTF, which according to Phil Dumphy is, "why the face?". If your parents are in poor health, and your dad is not the accepting type, I would advise against telling them. I'm a parent with three kids, and trust me, I don't want to know anything about their sex life. I do want them to be happy, and if they tell me they're happy, that's all I need to know. As a father, however, I do know they're happy, or for the most part. Parents know these things.

I don't want my kids to know what I do behind closed doors, nor do I want to know what they do. If you could read other people's thoughts, would you really want to read the thoughts of your closest friends, people you really respect, if not love? Some things are best left alone.
 

DownsideWave

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Why would you ever tell your parents your fetishes? They probably don't want to know, and that's not really something you should share with your parents. Some things are meant to be personal.
 

pd8615

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I am over 40 myself so I understand the feelings that come with (I assume) growing up with these needs prior to being able to search the Internet.

You state "I only started making contact with others like me six months ago".

So I am a bit confused why there is such a rush to tell those who have been in your life for so long?

Especially those who have likely not indicated a want to know.

Why not spend a year or two connecting with those who are more able and likely to give you validation and understanding?

I do not come from a "closeted" place of shame. For over ten years I had a full nursery and never locked it when adult family came over.

I had a XXL dog crate in my living room when I had no dog.

My house is full of "toddler" things and I don't hide stuff like sippy cups or soft friends.

Those that wanted to know more asked and when others did not I had my answer.

My sister and all my close friends know all about my A/b side.

I did "puppy play" in my local kink group when nobody else in my area did that.

So I am not some closeted "prude" pushing my fears and views.

Yet I would never tell my parents directly.

That puts them on the spot. Not fair if they don't know about our world.

This may sound mean but they don't owe you acceptance.

You might not get the validation you seek.

Much better to find this validation from those of us who are more likely to be able to give it.

Meet others in the scene for a few years. Face to face, not endless online fantasy.

Should you still want to share with immediate family at some point down the road, there is a much greater chance that it will go well.
 

Resplasboy

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pd8615:
I am over 40 myself so I understand the feelings that come with (I assume) growing up with these needs prior to being able to search the Internet. - yes the internet has helped alot,

You state "I only started making contact with others like me six months ago". - I only started seeking out friends 6 months ago because I'd turned 40, and I wanted to stop being afraid of "what if some one found out about me" and this is the way I've felt for an awful long time, now I'm happy to put my face on a profile, I came to the conclusion that if a friend or someone I know did see me, I'd have to wonder why they where there

So I am a bit confused why there is such a rush to tell those who have been in your life for so long? - My plan was not to tell anyone for at least another 6-12 months (my apologies for not being clear on that)

You sort of got me on this one, I enjoy the movies and certain tv shows, very little else interests me apart from the stuff going on in the community - the past 8-9 years has been all consuming for me. When I talk to family and friends they always ask me what I've been doing, I never have much to say and the conversations are short and uninteresting, I'm okay with that but I feel they deserve more from me, this makes me feel that I'm pushing them further away from me - whether they feel the same (this is my failing, and probably why I'm feeling the need to communicate to them about what is going on in my life)

My conversations within the community are more interesting to me than what is going on in every day life - I find myself tuning out - especially at work, the macho BS that goes on is not my way (I should change my working environment)

After writing and re-writing this a few times I'm starting to see my issues - and only I can deal with them.

I'm really grateful for all the advice I've been given so far, I definitely needed to hear some other points of view.

- - - Updated - - -

I'm sorry about my delay, I posted something below which has started to make me see the sense, in not doing it, you are correct about me needing a sense of belonging and community, for this I can only blame myself.

I'm shy, quiet and introvert, and not particularly comfortable in social settings (an issue I need to sort out) in the post below I say that very little apart from what is going on in the community and movies interests me, so when a conversation with family/friends does happen, it's short and I try to steer the conversation into whats going on with them - then I feel like I'm trying to push them away from me (whether feel that way I don't know)

I thought I might be able to discuss theses things with my family/friends, I'm starting to see that it isn't really possible, as you say theses are sexual, and they don't discuss there sex lives with me, so why discuss mine with them.

As I write this, I'm understanding: work will be the same, I have nothing in common with the people I work with, it is a macho environment and I'm starting to think I don't belong there anyone.

Thank you for your advice it has been well received, you are wise beyond your years.

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Thanks for the advice dogboy.

The more advice I read, the more I find reason NOT to do it.
I think posting this it here, has been away of helping me, and maybe getting it off my chest.

There's is one bug bear.
Lying to everyone, I feel like I've been doing it my whole life, when a conversation happens between me and family/friend, and they ask me whats happening in your life, most of the time I say not much, when there is plenty happening, just nothing I can tell them about. Then I wonder do they think I'm sad and lonely. (this has to be my biggest issue - me worrying about them, worrying about me, when there probably not, worrying about me) what a mouth full.
 

MotherFaith

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Fetfun, it is not lying if you just tell them that you have been hanging out with some people that share the same interests, you do not have to go into massive details.

I visit people all over the country for BDSM fun and stay away for the whole weekend at a time. When my brother and housemate ask me where I have been I simply tell them I was meeting with a girl that shares my interests and leave it at that. They know I have a life and that I go away to meet these people. Are your family particularly prying? Or are they asking in a round about way what you have been up to. You can tell them a tiny minuscule amount without making them or yourself embarrassed. My mother always asks why I travel around so much to meet 'girlfriends', she wants me to settle down, I say I am a 'free spirit' and she kind of gets the message not to pry anymore. She does not want to know anymore anyway. People only know what you give them, you can put it in a way that is general but they understand your life.

I think you are on the right path its just that you are focusing your attentions in the wrong order. It is okay to tell your family you are getting out into the world more, tell them you have joined a dating site or something and getting yourself out and about, you do not have to tell them what you do with said dates. Concentrate on telling people who want to know about kink play your desires. If you want to message me I am happy to discuss BDSM topics with you. There are also lots of websites that I am sure you have found already.
 

Resplasboy

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Thanks for the advice Dexx

My parents don't pry, they know I don't want kids, I was seen as the blue eye boy who couldn't do anything wrong, maybe I'm living the past, I got to start getting on with life and like you said I've got to be vague with the truth when we chat (posting here has made me realize that I am my own worst enemy)

I'd like to chat with you about BDSM, I've only played alone, and once with AB girl, which gave me the appetite for more.
Cheers
Jan
 

cm90210

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There's a different between private and secret.
Having a willingness to go there if it came up or if you were questioned seriously about it kinda puts it in the category of "private" in my mind. Like the consistency and odor of you bowel movements for example. No one wants to know that. It's private. But if you were asked and someone really wanted to know -- you probably would be willing to discuss it. Private not secret.

On the other hand -- if you're actively being evasive, concealing the truth even when you are asked about it. That's lying for one and two -- is an indicator that it's probably a secret and something you're keeping from them. I don't think all secrets are fundamentally bad...many are however. I think talking to at least one person about it -- a spouse or best friend -- can be cathartic and help move something that's "secret" into the "private" category. So i can understand some of the underlying motivation there...I think many of us know this intuitively...we just sometimes choose the wrong people to spill our beans to (a dad who might have health complications from stress and a mom with parkinson's would not be people I would choose -- in fact, I might agree with some others that it is close to irresponsible/wrong to tell people like that).

My $.02
 

CrazySmoker

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22 years secret ? A few late !!!
 
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pd8615

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Great post that reflects my experience.

Crohns runs in my family. We talk about things that many people would not as those things are relevant to us.

My a/b side is important to myself but not likely relevant to my parents.

When I had a place with a separate room for a nursery, I never locked it unless there was underage or complete strangers in the place.

All those in my life know about my Ab side to a degree. But the issue is to what degree.

No doubt my parents have looked in my baby room and or my sister may have told them. My dad, after helping me with some deck framing, asked to take a shower at my place as he had to change into work clothes for a meeting later. Didn't think anything of it at the time but I later found a pair of plastic pants I had left to dry hanging on the shower curtain hooks.

He never said anything. They know. If it was a 911 thing like hard drugs or underage kids they may have confronted me. They know, accept it to a degree, but don't want to know more. If they wanted more they would ask.

No communication is communication. I am happy to leave it there.

If I bring my plush puppy to their place they know to be nice to Spot and not just toss him aside if he is in the way. I can be who I am without sharing everything.

I am happy to leave it at that. We can choose our friends but can't just get another family.
 

foxkits

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In Iowa they are doing a study they found if they give you a kind of worms that the crohns goes away.
I heard this on NPR science Friday a year ago. Hope this helps you.
 
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