Am i in the wrong?

KittyninjaW

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OK, this is a long story so bear with me. I want to leave a place and relax at 6:00 pm, because I only have so much I can take with the real world and wanna relax. My grandmother wants to go later at about 7ish because at the moment we have no TV, which I don't like and because I'm autistic I blow up and get angry which for some reason doesn't change anything. And it's annoying for me because I just want a routine and i don't like when i do that because i am stressed out at the moment. Am I in the wrong?
 
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WanderingToddler

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Your feelings are genuine and valid. So are those of your grandmother. Ultimately neither side is wrong and the person driving would have the final decision. In similar situations myself I have typically gone outside and waited. Though this has been taken as passive aggressive or made the people staying behind on occasion. Those who know me though know I am just trying to give them their space to enjoy themselves.
 
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Saltedcaramel64

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Autistic or not, blowing up at your Grandma for not jumping to your demands is incredibly immature, self centered and rude. If she is nice enough to provide grown up you with food, shelter and transportation, the least you could do is be respectful.
If you want to be treated like a mature adult, then act like one and dont blame your disability.
 
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KittyninjaW

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Saltedcaramel64 said:
Autistic or not, blowing up at your Grandma for not jumping to your demands is incredibly immature, self centered and rude. If she is nice enough to provide grown up you with food, shelter and transportation, the least you could do is be respectful.
If you want to be treated like a mature adult, then act like one and dont blame your disability.
Yeah, I probably deserved that. I hate myself when I'm angry, which is alot now but I don't like it. I just wish I could control it easier but it's like a flood when it happens and I say lots of things that I really regret and It's really hard to change corse when I'm angry.
 
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Saltedcaramel64

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KittyninjaW said:
Yeah, I probably deserved that. I hate myself when I'm angry, which is alot now but I don't like it. I just wish I could control it easier but it's like a flood when it happens and I say lots of things that I really regret and It's really hard to change corse when I'm angry.
You should tell her you're sorry, and express some gratitude for all the things I previously mentioned. Im sure it would go a long ways.
If you are frequently angry, and its causing you issues, get more exercise and seek therapy.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot

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KittyninjaW said:
Yeah, I probably deserved that. I hate myself when I'm angry, which is alot now but I don't like it. I just wish I could control it easier but it's like a flood when it happens and I say lots of things that I really regret and It's really hard to change corse when I'm angry.
Would pressure, or weight help? I hug myself.
It's easy for alistic people to say just stop. They've never had to stop the thought loop.

Oddly, having someone who loves me stay calm, and understanding, even if only by sheer force of will, really helps. So does a back rub, while playing a game, like, "sink, or float?"

Hey, TVs give auditory input. Do you have any audiobooks handy?

People do well if they can, not if they want to. Challenging people are challenging, because they lack the skills to not be. Dr. Ross Greene, amazing.

Solve the problem that made you angry, ideally, when it's not actually making you angry. If you had a particular show in mind could you maybe script, or act out an episode?

Anyone who's ever felt that kind of thought loop knows its not fun, and we're motivated to do better. Want in one hand, poop in the other, andsee which one gets full fastest.

Being motivated doesn't teach, let alone flexibility, adaptability, problem solving, or frustration tolerance.
.
 
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KittyninjaW

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SpAzpieSweeTot said:
Would pressure, or weight help? I hug myself.
It's easy for alistic people to say just stop. They've never had to stop the thought loop.

Oddly, having someone who loves me stay calm, and understanding, even if only by sheer force of will, really helps. So does a back rub, while playing a game, like, "sink, or float?"

Hey, TVs give auditory input. Do you have any audiobooks handy?

People do well if they can, not if they want to. Challenging people are challenging, because they lack the skills to not be. Dr. Ross Greene, amazing.

Solve the problem that made you angry, ideally, when it's not actually making you angry. If you had a particular show in mind could you maybe script, or act out an episode?

Anyone who's ever felt that kind of thought loop knows its not fun, and we're motivated to do better. Want in one han, poop in the other, andsee which one gets full fastest.

Being motivated doesn't teach, let alone flexibility, adaptability, problem solving, or frustration tolerance
.
This is very accurate. Believe me.
 
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Jorelaxed

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Saltedcaramel64 said:
Autistic or not, blowing up at your Grandma for not jumping to your demands is incredibly immature, self centered and rude. If she is nice enough to provide grown up you with food, shelter and transportation, the least you could do is be respectful.
If you want to be treated like a mature adult, then act like one and dont blame your disability.
Autistic people alot of the times have involuntary responses. They are very difficult or impossible alot of the times to control, this has been proven by Psychological specialists in medical journals.
What your asking is like asking a person who was born with a nervous tic to stop having the nervous tics. (Aspergers( part of the Autism spectrum) causes a chemical imbalance and causes sensory overload.
With therapies it can be regulated somewhat, but will always be there because that how Autism works.
I have known alot of Aspies that always seem mad or looks like they are snapping at people, but deep in their heart they do not mean it and struggle tremendously to try and control it.
They do not do it intentionally.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot

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KittyninjaW said:
This is very accurate. Believe me.
What is it about TV you like best? I wonder if there's a way you could get it, without needing the TV. And no. It's not good to flip out on Grandma, but you knew that.

Remember, even NTs look bad, sometimes.

You'd like Dr. Greene.
 
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Nowididit

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You're an adult right?
Have your routine and only schedule around your routine. Never stray from your routine. Tell others of your routine and intentions when going with them. Tell them your expectations.
If for any other reason you make the conscious decision to do something that you know is gonna screw up your routine then you have NO right to get pissed off. You made the decision to stray from your routine.
 
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diapernh

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So I’m going to guess, you get home at 6 from work. Granny is home all day/week by herself and she wants to get out of the house.

Maybe you just need to take her out one night, drive her around, get food and dessert and drive her around more and go home. You want routine, pick a day to do that leaving the house
 

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KittyninjaW said:
Yeah, I probably deserved that. I hate myself when I'm angry, which is alot now but I don't like it. I just wish I could control it easier but it's like a flood when it happens and I say lots of things that I really regret and It's really hard to change corse when I'm angry.
I struggle with this a lot. It's always embarrassing, and leads to self-loathing, remorse, etc.

Hugs to you and your Nana! ❤️

I carry silicone earplugs in my purse. If I start to feel overwhelmed agitated, or anxious, I pop them into my ears. It always seems to take the edge off a frustrating situation enough that I can find my center, take a breath, and carry on. Have you ever simply tried plugging your ears, and/or closing your eyes when you're getting upset?
 
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Saltedcaramel64

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Jorelaxed said:
Autistic people alot of the times have involuntary responses. They are very difficult or impossible alot of the times to control, this has been proven by Psychological specialists in medical journals.
What your asking is like asking a person who was born with a nervous tic to stop having the nervous tics. (Aspergers( part of the Autism spectrum) causes a chemical imbalance and causes sensory overload.
With therapies it can be regulated somewhat, but will always be there because that how Autism works.
I have known alot of Aspies that always seem mad or looks like they are snapping at people, but deep in their heart they do not mean it and struggle tremendously to try and control it.
They do not do it intentionally.
I get that autism makes managing your emotions difficult, but honestly many people have this difficulty. Not just autistic people. Its something that is normal. If you simply throw up your hands and say
"Im autistic, I can't control it."
Then you will never stop blowing up at your loved ones and feeling sad and guilty. Just because something is hard doesnt mean you shouldnt try.
I really think he should try regular exercise. He is a young man afterall and has testosterone coursing through his body. He needs a healthy outlet for that energy. He will feel content and relaxed after each workout and the effects will last for hours. I have to do this myself. I have PTSD from military service and its helped me in controlling my emotions. I know how hard it is to stop freaking out once it starts. The trick is preventative measures.
Yelling and screaming at your old granny because you have to wait an hour for a drive is borderline elder abuse. If your disability makes you an angry and abusive person, expecting other people to deal with it while you do nothing is not acceptable. What happens when Granny passes on? People wont tolerate being screamed at and it can land you in jail or on the streets if you cant manage yourself.
Exercise and therapy are the solution, doing nothing is not the solution.
 
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Anemone

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Saltedcaramel64 said:
I get that autism makes managing your emotions difficult, but honestly many people have this difficulty. Not just autistic people. Its something that is normal. If you simply throw up your hands and say
"Im autistic, I can't control it."
Then you will never stop blowing up at your loved ones and feeling sad and guilty. Just because something is hard doesnt mean you shouldnt try.
It is definitively not normal. They are trying to control it, this thread is proof of that, but there are a host of obstacles which autism presents and for which our world is not organised.

Saltedcaramel64 said:
I really think he should try regular exercise. He is a young man afterall and has testosterone coursing through his body. He needs a healthy outlet for that energy. He will feel content and relaxed after each workout and the effects will last for hours. I have to do this myself. I have PTSD from military service and its helped me in controlling my emotions. I know how hard it is to stop freaking out once it starts. The trick is preventative measures.
It may be a great option and indeed prevention is better than cure but it is bold to conclude that what works for PTSD will be effective in managing autistic difficulties.

Saltedcaramel64 said:
Yelling and screaming at your old granny because you have to wait an hour for a drive is borderline elder abuse. If your disability makes you an angry and abusive person, expecting people to deal with it while you do nothing is not acceptable.
From what I have picked up on here they are from quite a high expressed emotion family, I'd wager it is not so much abusive as a reflection on how the family interact.
That is not to say that it is good behaviour - far from it - but rather the only way to be heard sometimes.
 
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KittyninjaW

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GatoChihuahua said:
I struggle with this a lot. It's always embarrassing, and leads to self-loathing, remorse, etc.

Hugs to you and your Nana! ❤️

I carry silicone earplugs in my purse. If I start to feel overwhelmed agitated, or anxious, I pop them into my ears. It always seems to take the edge off a frustrating situation enough that I can find my center, take a breath, and carry on. Have you ever simply tried plugging your ears, and/or closing your eyes when you're getting upset?
The earplugs are something to think about for the future. And you're right it is embarrassing. I have closed my eyes in the past and it seems to help, but it's hard to do it all the time. Also Hugs.
 

RetroGirl15

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KittyninjaW said:
OK, this is a long story so bear with me. I want to leave a place and relax at 6:00 pm, because I only have so much I can take with the real world and wanna relax. My grandmother wants to go later at about 7ish because at the moment we have no TV, which I don't like and because I'm autistic I blow up and get angry which for some reason doesn't change anything. And it's annoying for me because I just want a routine and i don't like when i do that because i am stressed out at the moment. Am I in the wrong?
Having a TV isnt the most important thing in the world to be honest, there are other things to do besides having a TV. Do you have any books for reading or any other hobbies as a distraction. (I also have ASD too)

Also you need to stop using ASD as a excuse for when you blow up at ur grandmother (we are in control in our actions regardless of what we have)
/in general. From reading your posts it seems like you have some type of anxiety that needs to adressed by a threpist.
 
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KittyninjaW

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RetroGirl15 said:
Having a TV isnt the most important thing in the world to be honest, there are other things to do besides having a TV. Do you have any books for reading or any other hobbies as a distraction. (I also have ASD too)

Also you need to stop using ASD as a excuse for when you blow up at ur grandmother (we are in control in our actions regardless of what we have)
/in general. From reading your posts it seems like you have some type of anxiety that needs to adressed by a threpist.
I don't think I mentioned this, but my grandmother is the one complaining about the tv at the moment and even then she mostly uses it as background noise while she sleeps. We are going to get one in the new year but as for me I mostly use my computer to help me.
 
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SpAzpieSweeTot

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He's grown.

If, "You're rude, disrespectful, not trying hard enough, blaming disability, or whatever. Just straighten up and stop," was going to work, it would've, in childhood, and it does, for neurotypicals, particularly those who like having their intrinsic motivation killed off. . .wait, who'd like that? Ah, behaviorism, same place ABA theracrap comes from, lovely, not.

Behavior is a signal that a problem has already happened. It's not the root. Crying, pouting, whining, likely to elicit empathy from loved ones, aren't usually problematic. Swearing, spitting, kicking, hitting, biting, cutting, trying to take life, succeeding at it, not likely to elicit empathy, very problematic, it means the same thing! The person is stuck. Plan A is only useful in life and limb saving situations.

Plan B and C work, no matter the diagnosis, and even for NTs.

Plan B:
Empathy for the person having difficulty

Defining the other person's concerns

Brainstorm mutually satisfactory solutions, giving the person with the difficulty, first try at it

Real example:

"I notice you have difficulty when I poke a hole in your chicken pot pie. What's up?"

"When you poke a hole in it, the crust gets wet. Crust is supposed to be crusty."

"My concern is (or, "The thing is,") if I don't let the steam out, you'll burn your mouth. I wonder if there's a way for the crust to be crusty, and for you not to burn your mouth. Got any ideas?"

Take the crust off with a spatula, and set it aside? I could eat the crust first, and by the time I'm done, the inside will be cool."

"Deal."

This problem didn't get solved on chicken pot pie night. It was about a week later. It was moved to plan C, until it could be dealt with when the explosive 4 year old in question, was calm enough to think. Plan C is about frying bigger fish first.

Look at everything she got practice at, flexibility, adaptability, problem solving, and frustration tolerance.

Dr. Greene likes to start plan B and C with kids, so they don't have to hurt and suffer for years, but he's worked with adults, too. It works, even with prisoners.
 
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