Moonlight
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- Diaper Lover
A couple months ago, I got married. My (28M) wife (28F) and I had been dating for two years and engaged for one year, and for most of that time period, she was aware of my interest in diapers. While she doesn't share this fetish, she is quite kinky and accepting, and so it's been a natural fit. She participates in ageplay including wearing diapers a few times a month, and (this is a primary desire for me) will occasionally wear diapers outside of sexual situations, just around the house and to bed, etc.
After taking the monumental step of getting married, I had a conversation with her that I'd avoided the whole relationship (or really, my entire life). Until then, I had offered fairly dumbed-down explanations of why I'm "this way," often attributing fantasy desires to porn. In reality, as I'm sure many people reading this would empathize with, my path into AB/DL was a lot more complex.
I spent days reconning with how to communicate all of these stories to her, things which I'd never typed or articulated out loud. And finally, I did. Now, a couple months later and after a lot of reflection, I've decided to try to pot my whole story here as well. This is a detailed, thought out sort of AB/DL biography. I am now married to a woman who knows most of this, and we're still happily married. I hope that for someone reading this, it gives you some hope, validation, or joy.
All of these details are true, but obviously, names have been changed.
The early years. Ages 4-6. Origins of AB/DL.
I don't really have memories of potty training, so I can honestly say that my fascination with diapers doesn't begin there. However, two experiences in the years following this were foundational in how I became AB/DL. As I type this, their order is unclear to me, but they must have occurred no more than a year apart from each-other.
As a young child, I had two close friends about the same age as me. One we'll call Mac (M) and one we'll call Jill (F).
Incident 1: My sister is a bit more than two years younger than me, so when I was 4 or 5, she was still in diapers. One day, my mom had Jill's mom over, and I assume the two of them had my sister with them talking in the kitchen or living room. Meanwhile, Jill and I were free to play around the house.
Jill decided that she wanted to play "baby" in my sister's room. She basically came up with the idea that we'd take turns being the "baby" while the other plays as the parent. We firstly both took turns tucking each-other into a crib, pretending to sleep for a few moments, and then getting up.
Jill then wanted to perform "diaper changes." She laid down on my sister's actual changing table. Now myself as a young kid, I basically knew that any sort of play involving private parts would be inappropriate, so I basically just waived my hands around above her as if performing a magic trick and said something like "poof! all clean!"
Then we switched.
When I laid down on the changing table, Jill actually began to unzip my pants. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I apparently was frightened at the possibility of her or my moms discovering us. Jill then went over to the door of the room, closed it, and placed some toys in the way of the door as if to prevent it from opening. She then darted back toward me, and continued to pull my pants off.
I don't know whether she would have attempted to put an actual diaper on me (there were plenty there) but regardless, closing the door apparently caused her and my moms to get up and come over. I quickly zipped my pants as they approached, and my mom opened the door just as I managed to stand up.
Incident 2: In a separate incident that must have taken place no more than a year earlier or later, I was at my friend Mac's house for a sleepover. Both he and I were wearing "footie" pajamas and after an evening of playing with action figures and N64, we were supposed to be sleeping. I don't remember exactly how this conversation occurred, but for some reason, he tells me that an old box of diapers he didn't need anymore was in his bedroom closet. I don't remember how much I contributed to this idea, but somehow we came up with the idea that we should try to find them. We formed a quick plan: Let's unzip our onesies, and then try to climb up to a higher shelf of this closet. We pull down diapers, quickly put them on, and then his parents wouldn't have any idea.
That was the idea. In reality, his mom popped into the bedroom to find the two of us struggling with his closet and our pajamas unzipped. We both immediately went back to bed, and his mom had no idea what had just been going on.
The following morning, I distinctly remember playing with toys as he asked his mom what exactly was in the closet spot we had begun searching. She said something like "oh, just some of your old things," but didn't clarify further. I remember Mac was clearly trying to suggest or prove to me that there had indeed been diapers there that we never found.
My family moved not too long later, but I did have other sleepovers at Mac's house. The subject of diapers never came up again.
Incident 3: While the other two stories are harder to place in time (or even in order), this incident I can place within a span of months. When I was 6 years old, having just entered the first grade, my mom had a conniption at me for some reason. I was actually in the bathroom (I assume having just peed, I'm not sure) when my mom threw the door open. She had a purple, pull-up style diaper in her hand.
To this day, I have absolutely no idea what she was mad at me for. She probably began this fit of yelling with some sort of explanation, but whatever it was is completely absent from my mind today.
"Do you see this?" she yelled, pointing at a diaper in her hand. "It's a diaper. And that's what you're going to be wearing if you don't get your act together!"
She may have yelled something else after that, but if she did, I didn't hear it. When she said that, I was absolutely feeling a sensory overload that sort of changed my psychology forever. I was profoundly confused.
I think in the back of my mind for the year or two before that, diapers had this bizarre role as a forbidden fruit of some kind. In two separate situations, diapers had been the object of some kind of game, where both times, parents had prevented me from wearing. Like anything else a kid wants and parents stop them from having, they assume the thing must be desirable and "subversive" to possess.
Now, my mother had literally put me the closest I'd actually been to being in one past diaper age, and it was an aspect of a threat of punishment.
To be extremely clear: My parents never put me in diapers (other than as a baby) and never would, and they have no idea I ever wore them again. This particular threat wasn't followed up on or repeated.
I remember that after that, diapers were cemented in my mind as having an almost mystical significance. And yet, I hadn't ever worn them in the time I could remember.
The first time wearing. Approximately age 9
Over the subsequent years, ages 6-9 or so, diapers continued to have a role in the back of my mind. I used to have fantasies of other kids, myself or teachers wearing diapers, but I never spoke of it. While going through this bizarre period of thinking about diapers all the time, I had absolutely no idea why.
I want to be clear here: The three stories I wrote about from ages 4-6 are obvious to me now as being the origins of my diaper fetish "clicking" in. But at the time, I had not made the connection, and probably even actively tried to keep those things out of my mind.
In my internal monologue, I sought after what I called "the diaper feeling." I had a hard time rationalizing my interest in diapers, and so I sort of mashed my interest into this focus on the idea that diapers would feel literally good on my crotch to wear.
We had a house with a large, unfinished basement mostly used for storage, but also with a big rug that I'd play with Legos and toy cars where I didn't have the potential to break anything. There was a dresser with a lot of gear we'd take to the beach, and I once came across the same purple diaper I had been threatened with when I was 6. A few times over the course of the years, I would go look a the diaper, but never dared put it on or steal it.
One day, during the summer when I was around 9 years old, I remember playing with Hot Wheels cars and a Gameboy in the basement, while I knew my mother was upstairs, my dad was working, and my sister was at a friend's house. I hadn't actually planned this, but the idea popped into my head. "Now's my chance."
I quickly grabbed the diaper out of the drawer, undressed right there in the basement, put on the diaper (it fit, but it was tight!!!) and got dressed over it again.
I spent about the next hour playing on my Gameboy, but mostly thinking about what I was doing. I was constantly evaluating: "Is this what I thought it would be?" "Am I enjoying this?"
In some ways, I wanted it to live up to my expectations. On the other hand, I felt like if it was not actually special, I could just be "normal" and move on.
I think the reality was somewhere in the middle. I wasn't floating on a cloud, but I felt happy in a way I could explain.
And then I got called upstairs. I couldn't be left alone, which meant I'd have to come with my mom to pick up my sister. There was no time to put the diaper back where I found it, so I ended up wearing it in the car. My mom picked up my sister, and we drove back, all as I sat there secretly terrified that somehow they'd find out. I remember constantly checking if my underwear was pulled up higher and my shirt was low enough to cover it. Of course, they didn't find out.
That night, I went to the bathroom to shower. Finally, privacy again! I remember checking and seeing that the diaper was torn up, so I decided I wouldn't be putting it back, but I couldn't hide it either. So the idea came to me:
At age 9, for the first time since before I can remember, I peed in a diaper (standing in the shower to make sure I didn't make a mess). It felt awesome. I tied a small trash bag around it. After showering, I hid it all the way at the bottom of the outdoor trash can, where it wasn't found.
"Ok, so I got it out of my system! All done with diapers now!" I thought.
Not quite.
Ages 10-12: Stealing diapers
Over the next few years, I still had a fascination with diapers and desire to wear them that I couldn't explain and told absolutely nobody of. There's not as much to provide immense details about, but to put it simply: I stole diapers a total of three times. Once (I am ashamed, still to say) I stole a diaper from church. Twice I stole diapers that were out at a friend's house who had a little sister.
On each occasion, I would keep them secretly in my room (I actually hid them amidst a collection of comic books) and wear them several times at night before eventually throwing them out after they became too worn out.
During that time period, I also made improvised fake diapers on a few occasions, using things like toilet paper or my mom's sanitary pads in underwear to make a makeshift diaper. This always felt a little more risky.
Age 13: Discovering AB/DL
I grew up in a restrictive, Christian household where video games and internet were frowned upon (to give a quick example: My parents had to read the song lyrics to every song I wanted to buy. Any swears, violence or "unchristian themes" would mean I couldn't buy it). I only had a Gameboy because my Aunt gifted it without my parents' permission, and I couldn't use my parents' computer without their supervision.
But then in 8th grade, a contest took place at my school. Basically, it was a fundraiser where students would sell magazine subscriptions to their family to benefit the school, and you could get prizes based on what you sold. The highest prize, for 120 subscriptions sold, was a Nintendo Wii. Knowing my parents wouldn't forbid something I'd won as a school prize, I did door to door sales and actually managed to win this thing. Begrudgingly, my parents allowed me to keep the Nintendo Wii I won.
What they didn't know was that it had an internet browser.
Around this time, they also began letting me stay home alone. This didn't happen often, but on a few occasions, I found myself able to browse the internet without supervision, right there on the living room television.
A couple times I spent my time watching what I would call vanilla soft porn, and discovered masturbation right around that same time, as you an imagine.
But one day, I plugged some words into Google that would change my life. I don't remember exactly what I searched, but I wondered whether there was even a slight chance that there were pictures or videos out there of women in diapers.
Until that moment, I had truly believed that I was the only person on Earth who was fascinated with wearing diapers. By this time, I had more sexualized fantasies about women in diapers, but had never seen more than the box on adult diapers at the CVS.
I came across the Wikipedia article on "Diaper Fetishism."
I remember being jaw-dropped as I read this thing. It really was an information overload, but my world became 10x bigger that day. I discovered I wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. There were others like me.
This is now 15 years ago, but I actually remember seeing this website, ADISC, and lurking on it occasionally to understand better. I made an account a few years later and posted/talked to people a few times as well, but if you've made it this far into the story, I would just say I appreciate you, the reader, for being part of this community that made me feel valid then.
Anyway, this new revelation also opened up my pornagraphic interests. I'll leave this vague, but over the years websites like "NaughtyDiaperGirls" and "ABdreams" as well as the work of Penny Barber meant a lot to me.
Age 14
In the couple years that followed, I had a few girlfriends that didn't get very far, and never dared tell them about my desires. Meanwhile, a couple times I ordered adult diaper samples using a fake name but my parents' real address. This was really risky, but it enabled me to get diapers a couple of times, which I would always inevitably dispose of. Life continued on.
Age 15-16 First shared AB/DL experience
During the summer after freshman year of high school, I connected on Facebook with a girl we'll call Stacy. She was the same age as me, and I'd known *of* her since moving to my town, because she only lived a few houses away from me. Our conversation quickly turned sexual, and we decided that when her mom was at work (she was an only child with a single mother) that I tell my parents I'm going for a run, and then I'd go to her place. I had participated in the track team the previous year, so this kind of jogging was actually normal for me.
Without being overly graphic, Stacy and I quickly realized both she and I were kinky. She was very interested in handcuffs, ballgags, and spanking, and I started "running" two or three times a week to basically go to her house and have kinky sex, unbeknownst to either of our parents. I never dared bring up the subject of diapers, but she was very open to experimentation with all sorts of other things.
After about a half a year, I built up the courage to tell her I wanted to try something new. While not telling her how significant my desires were, I basically told her that I really want to try putting her in diapers, attributing it to aspects of BDSM porn etc. She was surprisingly willing, although unenthusiastic, to go along with it, and bought a box of diapers from a website that delivers a big variety of different types etc to try. In total, I think it was ten different styles of adult-sized diapers.
I remember that when she received the box, she messaged me that I should come over because "the box is here!" I ran there even more nervous than the first time we'd had sex.
There I was, age 15, picking out a diaper from a box and putting it onto my secret girlfriend. We ended up doing a similar role-play to what we often did, spanking turning into fingering turning into sex, but she started off wearing a diaper. It was a huge deal for me.
This relationship lasted about six more months, with her wearing diapers maybe a dozen more times. She was pretty clear that while she was open to anything, she didn't enjoy wearing diapers in particular, and I think she recognized that it was carrying more significance for me than some of the other interests we shared in kink.
I remember being devastated when she actually broke up with me, thinking I'd never find another girl willing to do the same things (much less once who lives four houses away.) In total, it lasted a little more than a year.
Age 17-18 Second Girlfriend
For my last two years of high school, I had a proper girlfriend. She wasn't a secret, but more importantly, the relationship wasn't built on sex. Sex followed trust and love being built. I'll call her Sage for this.
Sage was, to put it bluntly, vanilla. But Sage really, really liked me, and had made no secret of that in earlier years when I was in a secret relationship (which I ultimately told her).
It took about 8 months from the beginning of the relationship to having sex (her first time) and in the months following that, I opened up about my kinks, including diapers. I told her pretty bluntly that I wanted to be open about what I like, but being blunt, I'd take what I could get.
Over the following year and a half, she wore diapers a handful of times, and we often role-played about spanking and handcuffs, etc. Sage did complain on a few occasions that she wants to just have "normal" sex which I obliged, so this was a natural tension.
It's an aside from the subject of AB/DL, but upon graduation, we knew we'd be going to separate colleges. One of the best things I've ever done was talk to her bluntly about the future of our relationship. We enjoyed a final, romantic summer knowing that once we went away to college, we'd be broken up. It was a fully amicable and happy separation. Of all my exes in life, she is the only one where neither her or I harbored any kind of tension or negativity afterwards. We remain Facebook friends, she's happily married, and I am happy for her.
To tell a quick side-story from this time period: I was able to drive, which really broadened my freedom and made acquiring diapers a lot easier, although at the time I'd never even dream of buying adult diapers out of (totally irrational) embarrassment. So on a couple occasions, I actually went into a Walgreens and bought the girls' L-XL Goodnights, which I would wear and also got Sage to wear during that time.
One time, when I arrived home, I knew my parents would be up, and I was frightened about leaving the Goodnites either in the car or somewhere in the house that could be found. So I absurdly opened the pack, put all the diapers and wrapping into the pockets *and sleeves* of my winter jacket, and went inside like that, so that if my parents saw me, they wouldn't see the pack.
I ran straight to my room (which was odd for me getting home) and my dad followed. In probably one of the scariest moments of my life, he began asking me about my evening and talking to me as I stood there with an entire pack of diapers spread out throughout the sleeves and pockets of my jacket. I was visibly distraught, and blamed it on someone almost rear-ending me on the way home (which did happen, but wasn't why I was out of breath.) My dad actually hugged me before leaving, which again, was horrifying, because with a good shake, about a dozen diapers would have fallen onto the floor below us.
Remarkably, I ultimately went to college without my parents having any idea (as far as I know) about my proclivity for diapers.
Age 18-21 - College girlfriend
When I arrived at college, I knew I'd embrace my "freaky side" a bit. My elementary to high school experience had been marred by bullying and an instinct to "fit in" but I wanted the opposite of that in college. I enrolled in nerdy clubs and activities, and at one of them, I met a girl we'll call Katey.
Katey also grew up in a conservative household, and had never been in much of a relationship, but did read a lot of books. She had a very fantasy-driven view of romance, and was fascinated when we talked about relationship dynamics and kink. We actually very quickly formed a relationship which we incredibly framed as a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship. She loved when I'd invent new rules for her to break and be punished, and she wore a small collar around college. We were actually relatively open about this dynamic, and made a group of friends (mostly LGBT) who were also interested in the kink scene. This began as an informal group of friends, but as fellow weirdos kept joining, we actually began referring to our group as the "kink club."
Out of fear of this post being too visible and myself being identifiable from it, I will keep details here minimal. However, I'll just say that this is by far the most visible/public I ever got about kink. My girlfriend and I would be among about a dozen students who would venture out to BDSM play parties in the city and put on events on campus. Although I tended not to talk publicly about the diaper element of my own kink, Katey would wear cute white underwear around at play parties which stood out a lot and clearly represented something more like a daddy dom/little girl relationship.
In private, Katey was very enthusiastic about most elements of our D/s relationship, but she'd occasionally wear diapers basically only because I wanted her to (and she would also wear them on her period).
The summer a year before graduation, however, she cheated on me. Again without too much detail, Katey attended a conference of people in her field and reconnected with a man who she had previously worked for at an internship. They had sex, which she told me about when she got home.
I was absolutely broken. This time, a long-term dom/sub relationship with her wearing diapers sometimes. I felt like it couldn't have been better than that.
She wrote a long, deeply apologetic letter to me. She felt that this other man was more compatible, and she had to be with him. She did cite diapers as one thing about her and I that didn't feel compatible.
Age 21, post breakup
In the few months following that breakup, I was very promiscuous. I was well-known on campus but had been in a monogamous relationship, so I ended up having a lot of sex with random fellow students at the time. Frankly though, it always felt empty (even when - about half the time - it was kinky). I ultimately wanted to find a new girlfriend who matched my desires.
I actually managed to find a woman also in college (but several miles away, different school) online who would call me "daddy" in chats and made plans to meet, but they never panned out. She described herself as also AB/DL and was enthusiastic about the possibility of wearing diapers together, but we never actually got together physically.
It would be easy to write that off as a scam of some kind (and I still wonder) but she did send photos according to things I'd asked, so I think she was real. She certainly never asked for money or anything like that, and she actually reached out a few months after we had cooled down just to say she's sorry for not staying in touch. It was fine. I sincerely hope she found the perfect "daddy."
Age 21-25, abusive relationship
This is going to be difficult to type. C/W for discussion of domestic violence.
In my final year of college, I met a girl who was the same graduation year at a nearby school, walking distance away. I had decided at this point that for any future relationship, I'd be up front about what I like, so that they could basically continue or not with full disclosure.
Lina, let's call her, was extremely embracing of my kinks. She had an adorable capacity to role-play as a little, and fairly swiftly allowed me to put her into diapers, use powder, wear a pacifier, etc. She also was the first woman who ever agreed to put me into diapers. In the first year of our relationship, we probably had a serious roleplay involving diapers a few times a month, which I think caused me to be heavily mentally invested in her.
About a year into the relationship though, she started to get very upset at me, frequently, about extremely minuscule things. Perceived insults where none was intended. Any time I spoke to a female, she would accuse me of wanting to cheat on her.
Then one day she and I and my best friend from childhood who was visiting were out together barhopping, and she had some kind of argument on the phone with friends (who I'd never met). She was grumpy about it, and it was getting to be kind of a drag. I kept asking if there was something I could do to make her feel better, and she kept saying "no." At the same time, I'm trying to have a nice time with my friend.
She eventually orders an Uber to leave, and we wait with her for the car to arrive. As it arrives, she yells at me for not having stopped her from leaving (this was the sort of logic of her attacks) and actually said out loud "I'm breaking up with you. I'm serious" and then gets in the car and slams the door shut.
I was upset, but also felt like the relationship had been going badly. This was a bad end, but, whatever. I have my friend here. My girlfriend is gone. Let's have a nice time.
When my friend eventually goes home, Lina asks me to come over. She is EXTREMELY apologetic, and for hours begs me to stay with her, saying that she didn't mean what she said and so-forth. I ultimately agreed (probably the worst decision of my life) and she acted extremely sweet for a few days to me, including putting me in diapers and powdering and basically the intense-most degree of all my fantasies we could reasonably do.
The reason I'm writing this is to note that it became a tool for her. Over the next couple years, she would frequently have explosive yelling fits at me, mostly for spending time with friends (she basically banned me from speaking to my friend who witnessed the breakup incident, and was furious if I'd even speak to him). This actually escalated into physical violence, which - to be clear - had nothing to do with kink. These extreme downs would often be followed by periods of extreme sweetness, and diaper role-play sex was something she used to keep me hooked. She'd even say, bluntly, "You'll never find another woman like me."
Looking back on it today, I can see that there were lots of textbook elements of an abusive relationship. By year two of this, I think in my heart I knew I had to leave her (she had even given me a black eye once) but I was scared to.
Without excruciating detail, there was one climactic night where she claimed that my parents didn't like her (not true) and actually used the words "You need to choose between your parents and me" and began kicking me. I physically fled her apartment, and the following day built the courage to actually break up with her.
In the months that followed, she insisted on trying to get back together, and often attempted to leverage ABDL against me. She would say things like "You're my baby, how can you leave me? Only I know how to take care of you."
I truly wasted those years, and it was hard to get my sense of trust back.
Age 25-present, the relationship that made its way to marriage
It was about a half a year after that past, horrible relationship that I met who we'll call Chloe, my now-wife. Chloe I met in real life, and I told very rapidly about most of my desires. She doesn't love wearing diapers per-say, but she very rapidly was turned onto the idea of a 24/7 DDLG relationship, and has called me "daddy" for years now. She wears diapers a couple times a week, but always calls me daddy.
A few months ago we got married after a couple years of dating and a year of engagement. To be very blunt, she has said that she can't imagine herself roleplaying as the dom/top in any capacity. She loves being my little, and this is really the foundation of our love. While I think I'd find a "perfect" situation to be one where we occasionally switch, we have a lifetime ahead, and having a beautiful wife who calls me "daddy" every day and occasionally wears diapers makes me very happy.
I am intentionally keeping this section shorter primarily for privacy. It feels a bit closer to home, literally, to describe my present rather than my past. Most of this story I told her, the first person ever to hear it, only a little while ago. Until then, it was only in my head.
If you're the first person reading this, you're only the second person on Earth to know my story.
A quick reflection
I basically spent my entire day writing this (while wearing a diaper, of course!) It's hard to say why I did this, but I guess I think of it as a personal piece of history that could inform others. I think there's a lot here that others may see in themselves. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand why my mind works like this, and how/if I'd change it if I had the chance. Literature on AB/DL is so limited, I hope this inspires others to write their stories.
I don't know how responsive I'll be, but I'll be reading every comment. If you made it this far, I'd love to see people respond with what parts of this story they related to. I hope you'll pay it forward by writing your story. If you want to be heard, you deserve to be.
With love,
Moonlight
After taking the monumental step of getting married, I had a conversation with her that I'd avoided the whole relationship (or really, my entire life). Until then, I had offered fairly dumbed-down explanations of why I'm "this way," often attributing fantasy desires to porn. In reality, as I'm sure many people reading this would empathize with, my path into AB/DL was a lot more complex.
I spent days reconning with how to communicate all of these stories to her, things which I'd never typed or articulated out loud. And finally, I did. Now, a couple months later and after a lot of reflection, I've decided to try to pot my whole story here as well. This is a detailed, thought out sort of AB/DL biography. I am now married to a woman who knows most of this, and we're still happily married. I hope that for someone reading this, it gives you some hope, validation, or joy.
All of these details are true, but obviously, names have been changed.
The early years. Ages 4-6. Origins of AB/DL.
I don't really have memories of potty training, so I can honestly say that my fascination with diapers doesn't begin there. However, two experiences in the years following this were foundational in how I became AB/DL. As I type this, their order is unclear to me, but they must have occurred no more than a year apart from each-other.
As a young child, I had two close friends about the same age as me. One we'll call Mac (M) and one we'll call Jill (F).
Incident 1: My sister is a bit more than two years younger than me, so when I was 4 or 5, she was still in diapers. One day, my mom had Jill's mom over, and I assume the two of them had my sister with them talking in the kitchen or living room. Meanwhile, Jill and I were free to play around the house.
Jill decided that she wanted to play "baby" in my sister's room. She basically came up with the idea that we'd take turns being the "baby" while the other plays as the parent. We firstly both took turns tucking each-other into a crib, pretending to sleep for a few moments, and then getting up.
Jill then wanted to perform "diaper changes." She laid down on my sister's actual changing table. Now myself as a young kid, I basically knew that any sort of play involving private parts would be inappropriate, so I basically just waived my hands around above her as if performing a magic trick and said something like "poof! all clean!"
Then we switched.
When I laid down on the changing table, Jill actually began to unzip my pants. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I apparently was frightened at the possibility of her or my moms discovering us. Jill then went over to the door of the room, closed it, and placed some toys in the way of the door as if to prevent it from opening. She then darted back toward me, and continued to pull my pants off.
I don't know whether she would have attempted to put an actual diaper on me (there were plenty there) but regardless, closing the door apparently caused her and my moms to get up and come over. I quickly zipped my pants as they approached, and my mom opened the door just as I managed to stand up.
Incident 2: In a separate incident that must have taken place no more than a year earlier or later, I was at my friend Mac's house for a sleepover. Both he and I were wearing "footie" pajamas and after an evening of playing with action figures and N64, we were supposed to be sleeping. I don't remember exactly how this conversation occurred, but for some reason, he tells me that an old box of diapers he didn't need anymore was in his bedroom closet. I don't remember how much I contributed to this idea, but somehow we came up with the idea that we should try to find them. We formed a quick plan: Let's unzip our onesies, and then try to climb up to a higher shelf of this closet. We pull down diapers, quickly put them on, and then his parents wouldn't have any idea.
That was the idea. In reality, his mom popped into the bedroom to find the two of us struggling with his closet and our pajamas unzipped. We both immediately went back to bed, and his mom had no idea what had just been going on.
The following morning, I distinctly remember playing with toys as he asked his mom what exactly was in the closet spot we had begun searching. She said something like "oh, just some of your old things," but didn't clarify further. I remember Mac was clearly trying to suggest or prove to me that there had indeed been diapers there that we never found.
My family moved not too long later, but I did have other sleepovers at Mac's house. The subject of diapers never came up again.
Incident 3: While the other two stories are harder to place in time (or even in order), this incident I can place within a span of months. When I was 6 years old, having just entered the first grade, my mom had a conniption at me for some reason. I was actually in the bathroom (I assume having just peed, I'm not sure) when my mom threw the door open. She had a purple, pull-up style diaper in her hand.
To this day, I have absolutely no idea what she was mad at me for. She probably began this fit of yelling with some sort of explanation, but whatever it was is completely absent from my mind today.
"Do you see this?" she yelled, pointing at a diaper in her hand. "It's a diaper. And that's what you're going to be wearing if you don't get your act together!"
She may have yelled something else after that, but if she did, I didn't hear it. When she said that, I was absolutely feeling a sensory overload that sort of changed my psychology forever. I was profoundly confused.
I think in the back of my mind for the year or two before that, diapers had this bizarre role as a forbidden fruit of some kind. In two separate situations, diapers had been the object of some kind of game, where both times, parents had prevented me from wearing. Like anything else a kid wants and parents stop them from having, they assume the thing must be desirable and "subversive" to possess.
Now, my mother had literally put me the closest I'd actually been to being in one past diaper age, and it was an aspect of a threat of punishment.
To be extremely clear: My parents never put me in diapers (other than as a baby) and never would, and they have no idea I ever wore them again. This particular threat wasn't followed up on or repeated.
I remember that after that, diapers were cemented in my mind as having an almost mystical significance. And yet, I hadn't ever worn them in the time I could remember.
The first time wearing. Approximately age 9
Over the subsequent years, ages 6-9 or so, diapers continued to have a role in the back of my mind. I used to have fantasies of other kids, myself or teachers wearing diapers, but I never spoke of it. While going through this bizarre period of thinking about diapers all the time, I had absolutely no idea why.
I want to be clear here: The three stories I wrote about from ages 4-6 are obvious to me now as being the origins of my diaper fetish "clicking" in. But at the time, I had not made the connection, and probably even actively tried to keep those things out of my mind.
In my internal monologue, I sought after what I called "the diaper feeling." I had a hard time rationalizing my interest in diapers, and so I sort of mashed my interest into this focus on the idea that diapers would feel literally good on my crotch to wear.
We had a house with a large, unfinished basement mostly used for storage, but also with a big rug that I'd play with Legos and toy cars where I didn't have the potential to break anything. There was a dresser with a lot of gear we'd take to the beach, and I once came across the same purple diaper I had been threatened with when I was 6. A few times over the course of the years, I would go look a the diaper, but never dared put it on or steal it.
One day, during the summer when I was around 9 years old, I remember playing with Hot Wheels cars and a Gameboy in the basement, while I knew my mother was upstairs, my dad was working, and my sister was at a friend's house. I hadn't actually planned this, but the idea popped into my head. "Now's my chance."
I quickly grabbed the diaper out of the drawer, undressed right there in the basement, put on the diaper (it fit, but it was tight!!!) and got dressed over it again.
I spent about the next hour playing on my Gameboy, but mostly thinking about what I was doing. I was constantly evaluating: "Is this what I thought it would be?" "Am I enjoying this?"
In some ways, I wanted it to live up to my expectations. On the other hand, I felt like if it was not actually special, I could just be "normal" and move on.
I think the reality was somewhere in the middle. I wasn't floating on a cloud, but I felt happy in a way I could explain.
And then I got called upstairs. I couldn't be left alone, which meant I'd have to come with my mom to pick up my sister. There was no time to put the diaper back where I found it, so I ended up wearing it in the car. My mom picked up my sister, and we drove back, all as I sat there secretly terrified that somehow they'd find out. I remember constantly checking if my underwear was pulled up higher and my shirt was low enough to cover it. Of course, they didn't find out.
That night, I went to the bathroom to shower. Finally, privacy again! I remember checking and seeing that the diaper was torn up, so I decided I wouldn't be putting it back, but I couldn't hide it either. So the idea came to me:
At age 9, for the first time since before I can remember, I peed in a diaper (standing in the shower to make sure I didn't make a mess). It felt awesome. I tied a small trash bag around it. After showering, I hid it all the way at the bottom of the outdoor trash can, where it wasn't found.
"Ok, so I got it out of my system! All done with diapers now!" I thought.
Not quite.
Ages 10-12: Stealing diapers
Over the next few years, I still had a fascination with diapers and desire to wear them that I couldn't explain and told absolutely nobody of. There's not as much to provide immense details about, but to put it simply: I stole diapers a total of three times. Once (I am ashamed, still to say) I stole a diaper from church. Twice I stole diapers that were out at a friend's house who had a little sister.
On each occasion, I would keep them secretly in my room (I actually hid them amidst a collection of comic books) and wear them several times at night before eventually throwing them out after they became too worn out.
During that time period, I also made improvised fake diapers on a few occasions, using things like toilet paper or my mom's sanitary pads in underwear to make a makeshift diaper. This always felt a little more risky.
Age 13: Discovering AB/DL
I grew up in a restrictive, Christian household where video games and internet were frowned upon (to give a quick example: My parents had to read the song lyrics to every song I wanted to buy. Any swears, violence or "unchristian themes" would mean I couldn't buy it). I only had a Gameboy because my Aunt gifted it without my parents' permission, and I couldn't use my parents' computer without their supervision.
But then in 8th grade, a contest took place at my school. Basically, it was a fundraiser where students would sell magazine subscriptions to their family to benefit the school, and you could get prizes based on what you sold. The highest prize, for 120 subscriptions sold, was a Nintendo Wii. Knowing my parents wouldn't forbid something I'd won as a school prize, I did door to door sales and actually managed to win this thing. Begrudgingly, my parents allowed me to keep the Nintendo Wii I won.
What they didn't know was that it had an internet browser.
Around this time, they also began letting me stay home alone. This didn't happen often, but on a few occasions, I found myself able to browse the internet without supervision, right there on the living room television.
A couple times I spent my time watching what I would call vanilla soft porn, and discovered masturbation right around that same time, as you an imagine.
But one day, I plugged some words into Google that would change my life. I don't remember exactly what I searched, but I wondered whether there was even a slight chance that there were pictures or videos out there of women in diapers.
Until that moment, I had truly believed that I was the only person on Earth who was fascinated with wearing diapers. By this time, I had more sexualized fantasies about women in diapers, but had never seen more than the box on adult diapers at the CVS.
I came across the Wikipedia article on "Diaper Fetishism."
I remember being jaw-dropped as I read this thing. It really was an information overload, but my world became 10x bigger that day. I discovered I wasn't alone. I wasn't a freak. There were others like me.
This is now 15 years ago, but I actually remember seeing this website, ADISC, and lurking on it occasionally to understand better. I made an account a few years later and posted/talked to people a few times as well, but if you've made it this far into the story, I would just say I appreciate you, the reader, for being part of this community that made me feel valid then.
Anyway, this new revelation also opened up my pornagraphic interests. I'll leave this vague, but over the years websites like "NaughtyDiaperGirls" and "ABdreams" as well as the work of Penny Barber meant a lot to me.
Age 14
In the couple years that followed, I had a few girlfriends that didn't get very far, and never dared tell them about my desires. Meanwhile, a couple times I ordered adult diaper samples using a fake name but my parents' real address. This was really risky, but it enabled me to get diapers a couple of times, which I would always inevitably dispose of. Life continued on.
Age 15-16 First shared AB/DL experience
During the summer after freshman year of high school, I connected on Facebook with a girl we'll call Stacy. She was the same age as me, and I'd known *of* her since moving to my town, because she only lived a few houses away from me. Our conversation quickly turned sexual, and we decided that when her mom was at work (she was an only child with a single mother) that I tell my parents I'm going for a run, and then I'd go to her place. I had participated in the track team the previous year, so this kind of jogging was actually normal for me.
Without being overly graphic, Stacy and I quickly realized both she and I were kinky. She was very interested in handcuffs, ballgags, and spanking, and I started "running" two or three times a week to basically go to her house and have kinky sex, unbeknownst to either of our parents. I never dared bring up the subject of diapers, but she was very open to experimentation with all sorts of other things.
After about a half a year, I built up the courage to tell her I wanted to try something new. While not telling her how significant my desires were, I basically told her that I really want to try putting her in diapers, attributing it to aspects of BDSM porn etc. She was surprisingly willing, although unenthusiastic, to go along with it, and bought a box of diapers from a website that delivers a big variety of different types etc to try. In total, I think it was ten different styles of adult-sized diapers.
I remember that when she received the box, she messaged me that I should come over because "the box is here!" I ran there even more nervous than the first time we'd had sex.
There I was, age 15, picking out a diaper from a box and putting it onto my secret girlfriend. We ended up doing a similar role-play to what we often did, spanking turning into fingering turning into sex, but she started off wearing a diaper. It was a huge deal for me.
This relationship lasted about six more months, with her wearing diapers maybe a dozen more times. She was pretty clear that while she was open to anything, she didn't enjoy wearing diapers in particular, and I think she recognized that it was carrying more significance for me than some of the other interests we shared in kink.
I remember being devastated when she actually broke up with me, thinking I'd never find another girl willing to do the same things (much less once who lives four houses away.) In total, it lasted a little more than a year.
Age 17-18 Second Girlfriend
For my last two years of high school, I had a proper girlfriend. She wasn't a secret, but more importantly, the relationship wasn't built on sex. Sex followed trust and love being built. I'll call her Sage for this.
Sage was, to put it bluntly, vanilla. But Sage really, really liked me, and had made no secret of that in earlier years when I was in a secret relationship (which I ultimately told her).
It took about 8 months from the beginning of the relationship to having sex (her first time) and in the months following that, I opened up about my kinks, including diapers. I told her pretty bluntly that I wanted to be open about what I like, but being blunt, I'd take what I could get.
Over the following year and a half, she wore diapers a handful of times, and we often role-played about spanking and handcuffs, etc. Sage did complain on a few occasions that she wants to just have "normal" sex which I obliged, so this was a natural tension.
It's an aside from the subject of AB/DL, but upon graduation, we knew we'd be going to separate colleges. One of the best things I've ever done was talk to her bluntly about the future of our relationship. We enjoyed a final, romantic summer knowing that once we went away to college, we'd be broken up. It was a fully amicable and happy separation. Of all my exes in life, she is the only one where neither her or I harbored any kind of tension or negativity afterwards. We remain Facebook friends, she's happily married, and I am happy for her.
To tell a quick side-story from this time period: I was able to drive, which really broadened my freedom and made acquiring diapers a lot easier, although at the time I'd never even dream of buying adult diapers out of (totally irrational) embarrassment. So on a couple occasions, I actually went into a Walgreens and bought the girls' L-XL Goodnights, which I would wear and also got Sage to wear during that time.
One time, when I arrived home, I knew my parents would be up, and I was frightened about leaving the Goodnites either in the car or somewhere in the house that could be found. So I absurdly opened the pack, put all the diapers and wrapping into the pockets *and sleeves* of my winter jacket, and went inside like that, so that if my parents saw me, they wouldn't see the pack.
I ran straight to my room (which was odd for me getting home) and my dad followed. In probably one of the scariest moments of my life, he began asking me about my evening and talking to me as I stood there with an entire pack of diapers spread out throughout the sleeves and pockets of my jacket. I was visibly distraught, and blamed it on someone almost rear-ending me on the way home (which did happen, but wasn't why I was out of breath.) My dad actually hugged me before leaving, which again, was horrifying, because with a good shake, about a dozen diapers would have fallen onto the floor below us.
Remarkably, I ultimately went to college without my parents having any idea (as far as I know) about my proclivity for diapers.
Age 18-21 - College girlfriend
When I arrived at college, I knew I'd embrace my "freaky side" a bit. My elementary to high school experience had been marred by bullying and an instinct to "fit in" but I wanted the opposite of that in college. I enrolled in nerdy clubs and activities, and at one of them, I met a girl we'll call Katey.
Katey also grew up in a conservative household, and had never been in much of a relationship, but did read a lot of books. She had a very fantasy-driven view of romance, and was fascinated when we talked about relationship dynamics and kink. We actually very quickly formed a relationship which we incredibly framed as a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship. She loved when I'd invent new rules for her to break and be punished, and she wore a small collar around college. We were actually relatively open about this dynamic, and made a group of friends (mostly LGBT) who were also interested in the kink scene. This began as an informal group of friends, but as fellow weirdos kept joining, we actually began referring to our group as the "kink club."
Out of fear of this post being too visible and myself being identifiable from it, I will keep details here minimal. However, I'll just say that this is by far the most visible/public I ever got about kink. My girlfriend and I would be among about a dozen students who would venture out to BDSM play parties in the city and put on events on campus. Although I tended not to talk publicly about the diaper element of my own kink, Katey would wear cute white underwear around at play parties which stood out a lot and clearly represented something more like a daddy dom/little girl relationship.
In private, Katey was very enthusiastic about most elements of our D/s relationship, but she'd occasionally wear diapers basically only because I wanted her to (and she would also wear them on her period).
The summer a year before graduation, however, she cheated on me. Again without too much detail, Katey attended a conference of people in her field and reconnected with a man who she had previously worked for at an internship. They had sex, which she told me about when she got home.
I was absolutely broken. This time, a long-term dom/sub relationship with her wearing diapers sometimes. I felt like it couldn't have been better than that.
She wrote a long, deeply apologetic letter to me. She felt that this other man was more compatible, and she had to be with him. She did cite diapers as one thing about her and I that didn't feel compatible.
Age 21, post breakup
In the few months following that breakup, I was very promiscuous. I was well-known on campus but had been in a monogamous relationship, so I ended up having a lot of sex with random fellow students at the time. Frankly though, it always felt empty (even when - about half the time - it was kinky). I ultimately wanted to find a new girlfriend who matched my desires.
I actually managed to find a woman also in college (but several miles away, different school) online who would call me "daddy" in chats and made plans to meet, but they never panned out. She described herself as also AB/DL and was enthusiastic about the possibility of wearing diapers together, but we never actually got together physically.
It would be easy to write that off as a scam of some kind (and I still wonder) but she did send photos according to things I'd asked, so I think she was real. She certainly never asked for money or anything like that, and she actually reached out a few months after we had cooled down just to say she's sorry for not staying in touch. It was fine. I sincerely hope she found the perfect "daddy."
Age 21-25, abusive relationship
This is going to be difficult to type. C/W for discussion of domestic violence.
In my final year of college, I met a girl who was the same graduation year at a nearby school, walking distance away. I had decided at this point that for any future relationship, I'd be up front about what I like, so that they could basically continue or not with full disclosure.
Lina, let's call her, was extremely embracing of my kinks. She had an adorable capacity to role-play as a little, and fairly swiftly allowed me to put her into diapers, use powder, wear a pacifier, etc. She also was the first woman who ever agreed to put me into diapers. In the first year of our relationship, we probably had a serious roleplay involving diapers a few times a month, which I think caused me to be heavily mentally invested in her.
About a year into the relationship though, she started to get very upset at me, frequently, about extremely minuscule things. Perceived insults where none was intended. Any time I spoke to a female, she would accuse me of wanting to cheat on her.
Then one day she and I and my best friend from childhood who was visiting were out together barhopping, and she had some kind of argument on the phone with friends (who I'd never met). She was grumpy about it, and it was getting to be kind of a drag. I kept asking if there was something I could do to make her feel better, and she kept saying "no." At the same time, I'm trying to have a nice time with my friend.
She eventually orders an Uber to leave, and we wait with her for the car to arrive. As it arrives, she yells at me for not having stopped her from leaving (this was the sort of logic of her attacks) and actually said out loud "I'm breaking up with you. I'm serious" and then gets in the car and slams the door shut.
I was upset, but also felt like the relationship had been going badly. This was a bad end, but, whatever. I have my friend here. My girlfriend is gone. Let's have a nice time.
When my friend eventually goes home, Lina asks me to come over. She is EXTREMELY apologetic, and for hours begs me to stay with her, saying that she didn't mean what she said and so-forth. I ultimately agreed (probably the worst decision of my life) and she acted extremely sweet for a few days to me, including putting me in diapers and powdering and basically the intense-most degree of all my fantasies we could reasonably do.
The reason I'm writing this is to note that it became a tool for her. Over the next couple years, she would frequently have explosive yelling fits at me, mostly for spending time with friends (she basically banned me from speaking to my friend who witnessed the breakup incident, and was furious if I'd even speak to him). This actually escalated into physical violence, which - to be clear - had nothing to do with kink. These extreme downs would often be followed by periods of extreme sweetness, and diaper role-play sex was something she used to keep me hooked. She'd even say, bluntly, "You'll never find another woman like me."
Looking back on it today, I can see that there were lots of textbook elements of an abusive relationship. By year two of this, I think in my heart I knew I had to leave her (she had even given me a black eye once) but I was scared to.
Without excruciating detail, there was one climactic night where she claimed that my parents didn't like her (not true) and actually used the words "You need to choose between your parents and me" and began kicking me. I physically fled her apartment, and the following day built the courage to actually break up with her.
In the months that followed, she insisted on trying to get back together, and often attempted to leverage ABDL against me. She would say things like "You're my baby, how can you leave me? Only I know how to take care of you."
I truly wasted those years, and it was hard to get my sense of trust back.
Age 25-present, the relationship that made its way to marriage
It was about a half a year after that past, horrible relationship that I met who we'll call Chloe, my now-wife. Chloe I met in real life, and I told very rapidly about most of my desires. She doesn't love wearing diapers per-say, but she very rapidly was turned onto the idea of a 24/7 DDLG relationship, and has called me "daddy" for years now. She wears diapers a couple times a week, but always calls me daddy.
A few months ago we got married after a couple years of dating and a year of engagement. To be very blunt, she has said that she can't imagine herself roleplaying as the dom/top in any capacity. She loves being my little, and this is really the foundation of our love. While I think I'd find a "perfect" situation to be one where we occasionally switch, we have a lifetime ahead, and having a beautiful wife who calls me "daddy" every day and occasionally wears diapers makes me very happy.
I am intentionally keeping this section shorter primarily for privacy. It feels a bit closer to home, literally, to describe my present rather than my past. Most of this story I told her, the first person ever to hear it, only a little while ago. Until then, it was only in my head.
If you're the first person reading this, you're only the second person on Earth to know my story.
A quick reflection
I basically spent my entire day writing this (while wearing a diaper, of course!) It's hard to say why I did this, but I guess I think of it as a personal piece of history that could inform others. I think there's a lot here that others may see in themselves. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand why my mind works like this, and how/if I'd change it if I had the chance. Literature on AB/DL is so limited, I hope this inspires others to write their stories.
I don't know how responsive I'll be, but I'll be reading every comment. If you made it this far, I'd love to see people respond with what parts of this story they related to. I hope you'll pay it forward by writing your story. If you want to be heard, you deserve to be.
With love,
Moonlight
