Sexual identity evolving...

julio

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#1
Hello all,

About 10 months ago my wife started using diapers for discipline. That quickly escalated to 24/7 use, which happened off and on for, but became permanent a few months ago. Recently, my wife escalated me again to a changing schedule to ensure that I spend a lot of time messy.

During this new state for me, I'm finding that I feel extremely humiliated and degraded. I feel incredibly vulnerable. I'm often seeking out my wife for hugs and cuddles during this time, and I've found that the dynamic of being reassured and loved while in such a degraded state is absolutely intoxicating. I revere my wife like a god during this time, and I want nothing more than to earn her approval. Despite disliking diapers, I could never bring myself to walk away from this kind of intimacy, vulnerability, and acceptance.

After these experiences, the idea of having a Mommy Domme makes complete and total sense to me. I don't really want to call my wife "Mommy", but I think I'm starting to understand the appeal of that dynamic. It seems like age play (which my wife enforces from time to time) reinforces my mental state and serves as a continual reminder and metaphor of our roles. I truly feel, in many ways, like a child aspiring to court my adult wife who is way out of my league. It's extremely humbling when she loves me back during this state and that feeling is utterly magical.

So my question is this: am I feeling little space? Is this feeling of intense vulnerability -- the feeling of safely shedding my adult identity in a way that feels natural -- what people are talking about when they refer to little space?

Thanks!
julio.
 
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BurgundyRose

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#3
I'm gonna say no... The way you describe it "feel extremely humiliated and degraded" "found that the dynamic of being reassured and loved while in such a degraded state is absolutely intoxicating" "revere my wife like a god during this time" "Despite disliking diapers, I could never bring myself to walk away"; that honestly sounds more like trauma bonding...
 

lilshelly

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#4
the way you describe it no I have to agree with the previous post. little space don't make you feel degraded. It however does make you feel safe and vulnerable which if done right you should feel that way. Not sure why the diapers 24/7 that is not little space. Now I have been told I would be forced into little space and that is fine for me. I however do have some control over how long it lasts. I also believe that little space is fine as long as there is a balance of real life and little space. My Daddy which I call him that because I am the little. It is also something that I call him because he is a little older than I. (not old enough to be my daddy IRL) but he knows that there are some underlying reasons for my little side. I will be honest when my Daddy and I first started talking I wasn't a little and I still have a hard time turning little mode on and off, but it is a way for me to deal with stress. My Daddy and I talk at times about the little side of me but we set boundaries of what I am comfortable with and what he is comfortable with.
All that being said Yes I understand the Dom side of things I would be nice to depend on someone else as a child or baby would.
 

julio

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#6
Thanks for your replies and sorry for responding so late as it's been a busy December. Also, I hope I'm not violating any rules by pheonixing this thread. caCAWWW!

"Not sure why the diapers 24/7 that is not little space" - My wife uses diapers as a domination and domestic discipline tool. At first, I found this experience to be difficult, but in a good way (we're in a D/s dynamic and I'm a bit of a masochist). Now I find they help me get into little space, though they're not the only thing that helps and they're not a sure-fire trigger.

"that honestly sounds more like trauma bonding..." - After reading about it, I think you're right. However, there is another element that has started to come out and I'm starting to identify as a little. Reading about this really helped me sort through my feelings. Having multiple head spaces within a single dynamic can be really confusing at times, so thank you for this lead!

After reading these replies a few weeks ago, I figured out a few things, so thank you all for responding. What I've figured out is:

- I'm no longer humiliated or degraded by wearing or using diapers. I actually like wearing them now (a lot), but I have a preference for using the potty unless it makes my CG happy for me to use my diapers (and in my case she loves it, so I prefer to use my diapers for that reason). This actually changed before I wrote my original message, but I hadn't quite internalized this because my feelings of humiliation/degradation have faded over time.

- A lot of the humiliation/degradation I was feeling during ageplay was actually shame due to the fact that, 1.) I liked it, and 2.) I refused accept that it's an okay thing to like.

- My wife has continued to escalate diapers as a discipline routine, and I enjoy being able to earn potty time (not really little space, more like slave space in a D/s relationship). That said, I find it natural and easy to slip into little space, and happily, my wife seems to be developing a strong preference for interacting with me while I'm in little space.

- I now want to wear a diaper, a onesie, get some stuffies, and use a pacifier at certain times. I want to cuddle with my wife, draw or color, watch cartoons, and just feel vulnerable, joyously weird =), protected, and loved all at the same time. =) <3 Honestly, I think I was completely out of touch with my inner child and I think I've received a lot of therapeutic value from this kind of play (though that's not my motivation for engaging in it - just a happy side effect).

So I've done quite a bit of evolving this month. My christmas gift to myself was wide band plastic pants from cuddlz (I love the way they look and can't wait to get them) and 7 plain onesies so I can wear one every day each week :) (I want to get printed onesies too, but I can wear plain ones under my clothes so I'm optimizing for that first as I have two relationship dynamics to balance out). I find that I want nothing more than to simply cuddle with my wife, color, be silly, etc. That said, I do think I'm experiencing little space.

Ultimately, separating out little space from the other head spaces in my wife and I's dynamic has been both a help and a barrier to discovering my little side, and I thank you all for your advice and help as it's helped me sort things out quite a bit!
 
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