I wish i could just start over.

Fireband

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#1
Look, I've never had it easy. Life has always given me crap. Being autistic has never made things easier. I also have anxiety disorder and PTSD. My childhood was even problematic. In first grade my best friends mom moved her to a new school because she was paranoid about my "autism corrupting her daughter". I know now she was paranoid and had some disorder, but i feared by most of the school 'til middle school. Middle school was the worst time of my life. High school was hell. My school dropped me because my emotional needs made me a liability. I feel like i have kick me hovering over my head. I wish i could start over or just end it all. I was thinking about becoming a little to "recreate the perfect childhood for myself" but i don't know anyone who would be willing to be a partner to a little. Plus i haven't moved out yet. I have no options, plus this incontinence treatment i'm on is taking it's toll. What should i do? I have already seen the shrinks at the psych ward 5 times in my life, and they couldn't patch me up. I'm in a dead end. Pretty soon ill be burntupband instead of fireband.
 

ESPF

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#2
We all wish we could just hit the reply kid. In that respect at least you're not that spechel.

- - - Updated - - -

We all wish we could just hit the reply kid. In that respect at least you're not that spechel.
But in the end I do know one thing... God didn't make mistakes. She makes challenges. Some days I'm challenged to learn to love myself just as she made me. And some days I'm to learn to love the Fred Phelps' of the world. And still other days its the Donald Trumps of the world.
God... You're not making this easy woman.
 

OmiOMy

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#3
Give it time. It sounds like you've got pretty close to rock bottom as it is, and you know what they say about rock bottom: once you get there the only way to go is up. Ending it isn't the answer. I'm no stranger to the insides of the psych ward—I've been there twice so far and it sucked so much I fought to recover our of spite.

As for the desire you have to "become" a Little… that isn't something you become. You either are or aren't. Trying to force it isn't going to work.

I'm sorry your incontinence treatment isn't working. Is there any way you can arrange something else, if it's that bad?
 

AddyShadows

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#4
Like OmiOMy said, give it time. It gets better. Life gets better.

I have my own regrets in life, and some days I break down over it and get depressed about it, but in the end, I know there's nothing I can do to change the past, so I try to focus on changing the future. To better myself. I have my regrets, my choices I've made, and I have to live with them, but that doesn't mean I have to be miserable over poor choices or regrets. The past is the past, unless you've commit some sort of horrible crime, it gets better. It may not seem like it now but it does.
 

SgtOddball

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#5
I too wish I could start over, since there are life decisions when I was a kid I wish I could undo. But like anyone we are stuck with out past, we have to live with it and hope for the future. Some people will say that God will guide you to that future, but that is primitive and superstitious nonsense. But one thing is certain, the future holds a lot more.
 
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#6
I wish I could start over again and never grow up physically ever again past the age of 4 or maybe even 3 1/2!! I have not enjoyed my life at all with my Autism (I have higher functioning Classic Autism) and it's been a nightmare. It seems sometimes I have been bullied all my life, even when I was in university (well, except in 11th and 12th grade, I was actually loved and respected, as I was the school's weatherman, a student body rep, and a Homecoming Prince, and I was nominated one of the most valuable students the year I graduated). Kindergarten to 4th grade was okay, and I didn't really get bullied then, BUT I got sent home a lot for breaking the class rules (usually because I wouldn't follow directions as I have Autism and ADHD. If you can't pay attention, how can you follow directions?). I think the only time I have ever enjoyed my life was when I was in nursery school. My adult life is a joke - I don't even consider myself to be an adult - maybe an "adult in name" only. It is almost laughable. I have a BA degree in Geography, yet in spite of all my hard work in college, I ended up being unemployed and actually unemployable. I wish I stayed 4 years old physically. Yes, I'd be a proportionate dwarf, but on the other hand, then my body would fit my emotional and social age. It's actually more disabling to be 5 feet 11 inches tall and 175 pounds, than be 3 feet 4 inches and 38 or 40 pounds, as far as I go. I act like a 4 year old without even knowing it most of the time. Sure I can function academically. But academic function is not the same as emotional and social age. There are kids who are in community college taking adult level classes like Chemistry at age 10 or 12 - does that mean they are socially and emotionally adults? No, of course not. I struggle with issues that even nonautistic 3 year olds take for granted - such as reading facial cues and nonverbal cues which even toddlers get! I'm not saying being the size of a 4 year old would solve ALL my problems, no, it won't. But some of it would be - for instance, my mom would probably never yell at me because if I looked like a 4 year old her heart would melt and I'd be her darling little boy, and also, I wouldn't get bullied and called stupid names by other people, because usually people don't call 4 year olds names that I've been called. Also, I could ride on more children's rides at amusement parks. I hate roller coasters and even kiddie roller coasters, they scare the daylights out of me. I enjoy more of the circular rides like the Red Baron Airplane type rides, or "aerial carousels" as they are sometimes called. Because of my height though, in quite a few amusement parks, I'm over the height limitation, which is usually 54 to 57 inches tall which is not even that short. There are adults that are that height and are not even dwarfs, like a lot of Asian people. Also, some of the little kid clothes are absolutely to die for - such as dressy overalls as in smocked longalls and jon jons. I would be in seventh Heaven if I could wear longalls and T-strap shoes like some little boys in the Deep South. And no one would look at me strangely at all if I looked like a 4 year old and acted like one, even though my chronological age would still be 42. Every night, I wish that God or Santa Claus or somebody would do a miracle and maybe the next morning, I'd wake up in bed the size of a child. I wish I had gotten growth attenuation as a child so I would have been stuck as a child physically. What I'm facing is a lot worse. I absolutely hate having Autism, but I think I would be a lot happier having Autism and being in the body of a 4 year old. And I know at least a couple of dozen people with Autism or Asperger Syndrome that feel the same way, too, that they wish they were children. It's not an uncommon thought among people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders, I have been told by a clinical psychologist that has a 10 year old son with Asperger's. She had quite a few clients who had autism that actually mentioned they wish they were a child physically - and she had quite a few parents too tell her that they wish that their adult or teen child was smaller and looked like a child so that other people would lower their expectations appropriately. Take care - longallsboy
 

BabyTyrant

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#7
I know life sucks, I ended up experiencing mental health problems in my senior year of high school.

I didn't know what was wrong with me at the time, just that nothing felt real (like watching someone else in control of my body as I could do nothing about it), I always felt like crap, wanted to die, and ended up self harming just to feel a little better (which worked but ultimately made things worse as my problems didn't get solved, they only got worse not to mention the scars).

It wasnt long before i ended up on the schools radar as being troubled and in need of help and had the school nurses on my case, from that i was almost hospitalized twice because i just could not stop and it kept only getting worse.

It took a long time before I realized I had a serious problem and really needed help (before that I was in denial, would not admit i had a problem and was not trying to stop self harming and get better).

Fast forward to a few years afterwards and while I had stopped self harming for a while, I still had the thoughts at times and there have been many times that either I'm riding high (manic) or I've fallen from that high, things in my life have got worse (which kept happening largely due to stresses at work, which was multitudes worse as I could not even get the medication I needed, I got maybe 2 hours of sleep a night, I was working 15 hour days, I was working harder than anybody else, AND I WAS GETTING YELLED AT), I was literally at a crossroads of not being able to function both mentally and physically and getting so mad from the mental abuse I felt like Hulk-Raging; I was literally gonna lash out at anybody and everything the next time I got yelled at; but through some miracle I decided to just leave work and walk home and after 3 days of 15 hour work days and 2 hours of sleep a night I just made it home and got myself into bed and collapsed.

Several times since then I have thought of walking into traffic when coming home from work.

But you know what?

I ended up getting back on my medication (eventually I found out my doctor would take over prescribing my medication as long as I went to scheduled Dr appointments, did bloodwork before those appointments and wasnt in crisis), and I got better again, adjusted my attitude a bit (learned to be less stressed out while I was stuck at that nightmare job), and stuck it out until I got a much better job about a month ago.








Point is that life is tough, stick it out and things can become good, though it probably wont be easy; it will take both time and work and it may seem like nothing will ever go right; until it does.

5 years I worked away like a slave for minimum wage at that job unable to actually advance to a better position and better pay.

Now I make 50% or more (hourly) above what I used to make and my pay from the last week (with a little overtime) will probably be close to or above DOUBLE what I used to make in 40 hours at the last job.
 

WDDash

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#8
There is a way to start over. Don't get me wrong, life is awful, and I was depressed as heck for the longest time after I finally got free from my emotionally abusive parents. I wasn't sure what I wanted to feel. I was depressed because I was used to feeling that way.

But somewhere down the line I decided I wanted to be happy. It seems so easy once you think about it, but it really isn't. I mean what does it mean to want to be happy? What you doing so that you're preventing it? Nowadays I try to help out other people and I try to smile just because smiling feels good. I tell myself to believe in something if it doesn't always make sense because it makes me feel better. That's when I started over.

Like some people may see the glass half full or half empty, but I might not be a half full kind of person, but seeing it as half full makes me happier and I like being happier, so that's what I do.

In the case of your incontinence, I'd focus on what's going right, like the things you've learned don't work and the things you do that do work, and how those things are contributing towards an eventual solution.

A while the school dropped you, you were able to find people on here in the community that have made it clear they care about you and wouldn't drop you.

Just look at where you are despite everything in the world. A betting person wouldn't bet on you, but here you are. You had overcome so many odds. You made it through hell and you're here. And I think that's a sentiment I share. Sometimes, a healthy dose of skeptiscism is good, but the converse is also true. Some healthy faith is good too.
 
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