I Confessed

...to my mother.

Now, before you start throwing stones at me... I've been having some health problems lately and this afternoon got a call from my doctor's office. I thought when they called me on Friday and said my test results were good they meant they all were, but I've been informed that it looks like I have a little bit of pulmonary hypertension or some shit and that I need to go to the cardiologist, in addition to my high cortisol levels and need for a endocrinologist. I read about it, got scared, my mother tries to comfort me... and I figured, it was time. Time to stop playing this stupid game and sneaking around to fulfill my desires. If I'm going to have these health problems... I just can't keep hiding what comforts me the most.

I told her I had something to talk to her about and to wait outside my bedroom until I was ready. I got out my diaper box and set it on my bed, called her in, and asked her what she saw. She was more concerned about where the box came from at first and then finally started examining the contents and said ''Diapers... why?''

I gave her the the brief run-down and to make a long-story short... She's OK with it. She's fucking OK with it... I don't have to hide anymore. She said I never had to hide, that keeping this inside was bad for my health... That I could tell her anything, even if I was a lesbian... I said I'm actually asexual. I said my therapist knows, my psychologist knows... showed her the paperwork from my psychologist.

I'm just... still emotional about it, I don't have to hide anymore... to be continued I guess...

I'm really happy for you I know how it feels to get that off your chest and finally be who you really are

Yeah but on the other hand she has serious health problems. Such a mixed emorions I can't comprehend.

BabyJacob98 said:

Yeah but on the other hand she has serious health problems. Such a mixed emorions I can't comprehend.

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Not 100% sure what you mean.

the point is: you have 2news: one is bad(health problems) and the other is good(confession). On one hand It must be amazing feeling that your mom is ok with it but on the other hand your current health must be very troubling and frustrating. Don't look for deep meaning. This is just a statement. Maybe your health problem can be considered as a good thing because it made you to make a confession after all. Makes sense?

BabyJacob98 said:

the point is: you have 2news: one is bad(health problems) and the other is good(confession). On one hand It must be amazing feeling that your mom is ok with it but on the other hand your current health must be very troubling and frustrating. Don't look for deep meaning. This is just a statement. Maybe your health problem can be considered as a good thing because it made you to make a confession after all. Makes sense?

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I dunno... On the one hand, yes it feels good to have that weight lifted off my shoulders, but when we're talking a condition that when I look it up it says ''can't be cured'', ''gets worse over time'', and ''may lead to heart failure'' it's kind of hard to see that as a blessing right now...

That is a good thing.

It also opened a door for you to have a line of communication with your mother.

As for the hypertension just follow up with your doctor. It is early and easily controlled.

egor said:

That is a good thing.

It also opened a door for you to have a line of communication with your mother.

As for the hypertension just follow up with your doctor. It is early and easily controlled.

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It's not just regular hypertension - that I'm already starting to show as well. Pulmonary hypertension is high blood pressure in the lungs themselves. It's separate from normal blood pressure, and apparently more dangerous.

KimbaWolfNagihiko said:

It's not just regular hypertension - that I'm already starting to show as well. Pulmonary hypertension is high blood pressure in the lungs themselves. It's separate from normal blood pressure, and apparently more dangerous.

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The good thing out of this is, they caught it early enough that you can make the lifestyle changes that will help you live a longer life and more healthy life. It isn't a death sentence. The best part of it is, if you were worrying about hiding, self-acceptance, and your mom finding out, the stress of the whole thing could of been contributing to the blood pressure issues. I know what you are going through with a condition like this. I have type 2 diabetes, and the more serious side effects are the same (in fact, both are linked). Just please listen to your doctor, make your appointments, follow their advice, and try not to run from it like many people tend to do.

As for your mom, you owe her one hell of a big hug. Acceptance is what we all want, glad you found it ^_^.

Azie said:

The good thing out of this is, they caught it early enough that you can make the lifestyle changes that will help you live a longer life and more healthy life. It isn't a death sentence. The best part of it is, if you were worrying about hiding, self-acceptance, and your mom finding out, the stress of the whole thing could of been contributing to the blood pressure issues. I know what you are going through with a condition like this. I have type 2 diabetes, and the more serious side effects are the same (in fact, both are linked). Just please listen to your doctor, make your appointments, follow their advice, and try not to run from it like many people tend to do.

As for your mom, you owe her one hell of a big hug. Acceptance is what we all want, glad you found it ^_^.

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My mother wanted me to make the cardiologist appointment right away but I was just too worked up with everything to do it today. Not only about my health, but then I had my counselor from the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation return a message right in the middle of my mom and I talking about the adult baby thing. Apparently the paperwork she was supposed to submit over a month ago, she didn't do it yet. At this point though I really don't know if I should be thinking about working. I feel more like I should apply for SSI.

Anyway, my issue is that I'm not really the type of person who likes to be poked and prodded and fussed over too much. With the tests that both the cardiologist and the endocrinologist are probably going to order, half of me just feels like saying fuck it, living out my life, and when my heart goes out my heart goes out. I don't look forward to heart caths, MRI's, possible surgery, and side-effect-causing drugs that I have to fight to get down because I can barely swallow pills; all while worrying that I could possibly lose my health insurance with the plan the Republicans are cooking up. (Last I heard, if just one more Republican says no to it, it will fail. I'm not a religious person, but man that almost makes me want to pray.)

If this happened when I was say, 74 instead of 24, I probably wouldn't care too much because hey, I'd be old and on the fast track to dying anyway. But now I'm left wondering if I'll live to see middle age.

I also understand how scared you are about the health news
I have to go through cancer treatment again with more surgery, Radiation therapy and possibly more chemo along with more blood work at frequent rates and other tests before during and after. so if you ever want to talk just message me

Sorry to hear about your serious health condition. My wife went on kidney dialysis 10 years ago. She worked for two years while on dialysis, but eventually she retired because she didn't have the energy or health to keep on teaching. Her doctor set up the paper work and she was accepted by S. S. as being physically disabled which put her as retired and receiving Social Security as if she retired at age 66. You doctor can advise you on this. Of course, she had worked for 30 years as a teacher so that may have put her into a higher bracket. She also got her full retirement pension because of being on full disability.

dogboy said:

Sorry to hear about your serious health condition. My wife went on kidney dialysis 10 years ago. She worked for two years while on dialysis, but eventually she retired because she didn't have the energy or health to keep on teaching. Her doctor set up the paper work and she was accepted by S. S. as being physically disabled which put her as retired and receiving Social Security as if she retired at age 66. You doctor can advise you on this. Of course, she had worked for 30 years as a teacher so that may have put her into a higher bracket. She also got her full retirement pension because of being on full disability.

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I've worked for four months out of my life, so I'd have to go on Supplemental Security Income. Honestly I was thinking of applying based on my autism alone, but at least wanted to try to let these job agencies place me in a job first... Right now though, working has sort of shifted to the back of my mind.


From what I recall of today's conversation (bad short term memory...) my mom was sort of under the impression that I was calling her into my room to tell her I was on drugs and that was causing my heart problems. Something like that. Or she just used that as an example of much worse things I could be doing than wearing diapers.

KimbaWolfNagihiko said:

From what I recall of today's conversation (bad short term memory...) my mom was sort of under the impression that I was calling her into my room to tell her I was on drugs and that was causing my heart problems. Something like that. Or she just used that as an example of much worse things I could be doing than wearing diapers.

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I think we've had other members who've experienced the same thing. Their parents expected the worst and were relieved it was only diapers. When I was 22, I was having a psychotic break. My mom searched my room expecting to find drugs but what she found were my make-shift diapers and gay porn. I'm not sure she was especially relieved and the upshot was she sent me to see a psychiatrist. In her defense, the biggest problem was having the psychotic break. In 1970, homosexuality was illegal and people who were gay were often confined in a mental institution. That was a big reason I was afraid to see the psychiatrist, because he practiced at a large residential mental facility. Eventually I talked her out of sending me.

Can't see the cardiologist until July, and the endocrinologist still hasn't gotten their credentials from my health insurance... I may not have any insurance by then, depending on if the new health-care bill passes and how fast it goes into effect...

YAYY!!!! you finally did it I know it has to feel great so congratulations!!! Now all you have to do is.........

Confess to your dad good luck.

BluefireJay05 said:

YAYY!!!! you finally did it I know it has to feel great so congratulations!!! Now all you have to do is.........

Confess to your dad good luck.

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I have zero plans on confessing to my father. 1)He wouldn't like it and 2)he doesn't really need to know. He's at work Monday-Friday 9-5 and my mom is the one who takes me where I need to go, so I can get diapers and the like while he's not at home.

Went to the store today with my mom, bought Lion Guard Pull-Ups... so that's that. Yeah it was kind of awkward but I guess it'll take some getting used to.

I'm still nervous about buying baby wipes though, cause I see that as definite proof that I use my padding for its intended purpose and we didn't discuss that.

That's great news! Stress is a known inducer of pulmonary hypertension, and getting that off your mind will go a long way towards your health.

As for the wipes, don't worry about that. The diapers are much harder for people to get used to. Going from diapers to wipes is nothing in comparison.

KimbaWolfNagihiko said:

I'm still nervous about buying baby wipes though, cause I see that as definite proof that I use my padding for its intended purpose and we didn't discuss that.

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Don't worry too much about this, wipes are used by many people and many of them don't use diapers.

If you are too nervous about getting baby wipes, go to the adult toilet paper isle, they usually will have adult 'baby' wipes.